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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 12am too late to be hanging around outside for 15 year olds ?

285 replies

GreekGod · 07/02/2022 20:30

Over the weekend, four of our DD friends all 15 years old were involved in an awful accident and two of the girls are still in intensive care and they are in a critical condition. This has shook our community to the core and I just can't stop thinking about the parents who we know really well. Basically a car driven by an 18 year old at a great speed who just got his license hit two of the girls and the other two had minor injuries. The accident happened outside a coffee shop that is full of teenagers every Saturday night (13 to 16 year olds). My DD was also going to go out that evening to the same place but cancelled at the last minute as we were invited out to a family birthday meal. The accident happened at 12am on Sunday morning and today at the school there was a general discussion by some of the parents saying that they would never allow their children out that late and that the accident would never happened at an earlier time. They talked about attacks and rapes, joyriding and all sorts. We do allow DD out that late. She is a good kid, achieves excellent grades and is very respectful. She is also mature for her age. But it got me thinking. Are we wrong in allowing a 15 year old out at 12am in a group outside in a town with other 15 year olds? My DD could have quite easily been in intensive care herself and I now feel awfully guilty in giving her this freedom that could harm her ? I am so confused. AIBU in allowing a 15 year old to stay out till after 12am ?

OP posts:
UserError012345 · 08/02/2022 18:29

I wouldn't let my DD out that late. She's 15.

Original poster
GreekGod · 08/02/2022 18:31

@Loopytiles - we are a small community and the girls mums are friends of mine and are fully aware of this thread. They are also on MN but not on this thread.

OP posts:
woohoo54 · 08/02/2022 18:46

No it's too late

Darbs76 · 08/02/2022 18:48

My DD is 14 and no way I’d be allowing her out until that time, not even anywhere close. My son is 17 and I guess if he was adamant I wouldn’t stop him at that age but nothing good happens after midnight as they say and unfortunately that is the time that accidents can happen with joy riders etc. Of course it could happen anytime but even aside from accidents I wouldn’t want my daughter out that late personally. So I agree with the people saying this, but of course the person to blame is the driver. Do wish these girls a full recovery, how awful

Rainallnight · 08/02/2022 18:51

Not a snowball’s chance in hell. Maybe at a party or disco where there could be clear arrangements for getting home and I knew where they were. But hanging around the street, at midnight? That’s neglectful.

Darbs76 · 08/02/2022 18:58

Having read that you’re not in the U.K. I don’t think it’s quite as bad being out so late. I’m picturing some dodgy cafe in south London. I think as OP has said that many European countries do socialise much later than the U.K. so your 12 is probably our 10. I genuinely think here in the U.K. it’s a very bad idea for a 15yr old girl to be out at that time, no matter how many GCSE’s they got, as it’s not them you’re not necessarily trusting but all the other people you encounter at that time of night

Original poster
GreekGod · 08/02/2022 19:10

@Rainallnight - the girls that got hit by the car were not hanging around the street. They were outside a cafe waiting to get collected by their parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreekGod · 08/02/2022 19:14

@Darbs76 the other people they encounter are teenagers their own age. It is a cafe frequented by 13 to 16 year olds

OP posts:
maddy68 · 08/02/2022 19:30

I think that's definitely too late to be hanging around outside. Drunk people are coming out of pubs. You don't know what situation they could end up in

Maireas · 08/02/2022 19:40

[quote GreekGod]@Darbs76 the other people they encounter are teenagers their own age. It is a cafe frequented by 13 to 16 year olds[/quote]
So this is a café frequented by teenagers that stays open until the small hours?

Maireas · 08/02/2022 19:42

Whereabouts do you live, OP?.

Piggyk2 · 08/02/2022 19:44

@Maireas

Whereabouts do you live, OP?.
I don't think you should be asking OP considering the girls are someone's kids! In hospital or one of them still.
Original poster
GreekGod · 08/02/2022 19:45

@Maireas - yes it is. it is open to everyone but no-one goes there at that time other than teenagers as its "the teenagers place to hangout". It would be quite odd if there were older people there at that time as people know that teenagers hang out there at that spot

during the daytime, small kids go there as there is a play area

OP posts:
Maireas · 08/02/2022 19:46

No, Piggy, the country, not the exact location.
I'm just trying to imagine where teenagers are routinely out like this, probably not the UK.

Maireas · 08/02/2022 19:48

[quote GreekGod]@Maireas - yes it is. it is open to everyone but no-one goes there at that time other than teenagers as its "the teenagers place to hangout". It would be quite odd if there were older people there at that time as people know that teenagers hang out there at that spot

during the daytime, small kids go there as there is a play area[/quote]
Right. So it's very definitely a teenagers' hangout. I hope everyone is ok, it's a shocking incident, but you can understand why people are concerned why they're out so late.
However, your parental judgment.

Original poster
GreekGod · 08/02/2022 19:48

@maddy68 - there are no pubs around (nearest pub is 15km away and a 15 year old would be refused entry) and no drunk people, just a couple of shops near the cafe that are closed

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 08/02/2022 19:59

To me a coffee shop sounds like a great place for older teens to be. At 15 I was drunk in pubs and nightclubs. That accident could have happened just as easily at 9pm

Furbulousnous · 08/02/2022 20:05

No judgment under the circumstances but no, my DS will not be hanging out with mates on the street after midnight. Too young. Same for DD.
At our hse, sure. At a mates hse, like actually in the hse for a sleepover yes but out with a load of kids hanging outside Not a chance.

Furbulousnous · 08/02/2022 20:15

Op, you don’t seem happy with a lot of the answers. The upshot is - yes many people think that’s too late for a child that age regardless of what kind of ‘culture’ they’re part of. I wouldn’t want my kid out at that time regardless and separately would go BATSHIT on him if I thought he was drinking, smoking or taking drugs.
Clearly whatever country you’re in your teens don’t sneak alcohol, or smoke, or bake or take anything, they apparently are all happy drinking milkshakes in the middle of the night.

appleturnovers · 08/02/2022 20:26

@GreekGod

Thank you so much for all your comments. I should add that we no longer live in the UK but in a Southern European country where "cafe society" is very normal till quite late and the crime rate is very low in our town. But still I fully take on board all your points as to her age. She is such a respectful and well behaved kid but still I now need to rethink as very valid points have been made.

Yes, the coffee shop was open and the teenagers gather there and have coffee and milkshakes etc.

Tbh, this changes everything.

When I was 15 (in England) I was expected to be in bed by 11pm, unless there was a special event such as a concert or a party round someone's house, (in which case we were allowed out til 1am).

However, I have also lived in Spain, where the 6 year old I lived with went to bed later than I did and it's not unusual to see toddlers sat outside restaurants with their parents at 10pm on a weekend evening. If it's the norm where you are then I'd say there's nothing to worry about.

Also, a car accident like that could just as easily have happened at 9pm as midnight.

Original poster
GreekGod · 08/02/2022 20:29

@Furbulousnous - the answers are fine. I'm extremely grateful that people have commented and if I lived in the UK, then yes, i may feel the same way

Don't worry - there is alcohol drinking etc here at other places for older teenagers but at that cafe they are drinking hot chocolate on weekends rather than milkshakes now as its a bit cold

OP posts:
maddy68 · 08/02/2022 20:30

I'm my country we don't go out to eat until 10 so if you are in a country like that then 12 is fine

Original poster
GreekGod · 08/02/2022 20:31

@maddy68 - yes, i think we're in the same country :)

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 08/02/2022 20:49

@Weclome

YANBU to allow your DD to stay out till that time. You are her parent and it is up to you what times you allow her to stay out, everyone parents differently. My dd, just turned 15, would not be allowed out at that time and neither would her friends but right now I wouldn't be judging the parents of the children who have been injured
Agree with this.

You can make the decision about your own dd. And if she's in a coffee shop it's not wandering the streets or different to being at a friends home.

My ds wouldn't have been allowed at that age because he's socially unaware and vulnerable. But i know others of his age had a lot more freedom.

But also people need to avoid the blame game. Children can just as easily be hit by drivers making their journey to and from school.

Tragic accidents are just that Sad

Lovemusic33 · 08/02/2022 20:54

I think when I was 15 I had to be in by 10pm at weekends. I wouldn’t allow my DD’s out that late.