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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 12am too late to be hanging around outside for 15 year olds ?

285 replies

GreekGod · 07/02/2022 20:30

Over the weekend, four of our DD friends all 15 years old were involved in an awful accident and two of the girls are still in intensive care and they are in a critical condition. This has shook our community to the core and I just can't stop thinking about the parents who we know really well. Basically a car driven by an 18 year old at a great speed who just got his license hit two of the girls and the other two had minor injuries. The accident happened outside a coffee shop that is full of teenagers every Saturday night (13 to 16 year olds). My DD was also going to go out that evening to the same place but cancelled at the last minute as we were invited out to a family birthday meal. The accident happened at 12am on Sunday morning and today at the school there was a general discussion by some of the parents saying that they would never allow their children out that late and that the accident would never happened at an earlier time. They talked about attacks and rapes, joyriding and all sorts. We do allow DD out that late. She is a good kid, achieves excellent grades and is very respectful. She is also mature for her age. But it got me thinking. Are we wrong in allowing a 15 year old out at 12am in a group outside in a town with other 15 year olds? My DD could have quite easily been in intensive care herself and I now feel awfully guilty in giving her this freedom that could harm her ? I am so confused. AIBU in allowing a 15 year old to stay out till after 12am ?

OP posts:
littlecottonbud · 08/02/2022 08:50

I would not - they do not have the common sense to have the necessary judgement, too easily led, reign it in OP

BoredZelda · 08/02/2022 08:56

That won't last! In less than 3 years he will be an adult.

What a ridiculous comment. Are we to now change what we allow or the rules we put on our teenagers because in x years they will he 18?

Yes, in 3 years he will be an adult but right now he is 15 and does what his mother believes is right for her 15 year old?

In 3 years my daughter will be 16, should I be ok if she started having sex now?

momls20 · 08/02/2022 08:59

I was out that late, probably later from 13+. Personally at 15 I would allow, no younger

Marvellousmadness · 08/02/2022 09:00

Some mum you are....

hopperrock · 08/02/2022 09:01

She wasn't allowed to hang around anywhere and her friends were vetted.

This seems odd to me - how / in what way did you vet the friends? Was she really only allowed to be friends with people who had passed the vetting? How did you enforce that? How will she learn to judge people for herself if you don't trust her to try?

Add in alcohol, motor vehicles, hormones, and viola you have prime ingredients for the swiss cheese effect.
This too - there was no alcohol involved, and the idea that groupings of teenagers shouldn't be allowed because they have hormones and there are roads nearby is a bit odd? They'd never go anywhere then? But again I am saying that from a safe area with a sensible 15 yr old.

Norgie · 08/02/2022 09:02

At 15 no. There's no reason to be out hanging around at that time.

Livelovebehappy · 08/02/2022 09:03

Nope. Absolute madness to allow a 15 year old out at that time of night. That’s the reason we have lots of feral teens running around late at night causing issues for people. You’re lucky your dd is currently getting good grades etc, but that can change in a heartbeat with teens if they meet others who hang about late at night for different reasons, and who could influence her.

megletthesecond · 08/02/2022 09:05

My DS has never been out after 7pm. Him and his mates want to be home for food and then they game together on-line.

Ducksurprise · 08/02/2022 09:16

The parents reaction (and community) is basically Footloose.

Banning freedoms is a knee jerk reaction to wanting to keep those you love safe. Easier to blame something than accept that accidents happen in all walks of life.

hopperrock · 08/02/2022 09:17

@megletthesecond

My DS has never been out after 7pm. Him and his mates want to be home for food and then they game together on-line.
How old is he? Has he never been to the cinema in the evening, or to a party or dinner or a cafe or a gig etc? Game of football with his mates in the summer? Wouldn't the addition of some of these be good instead of doing the same thing all the time?
Bolets · 08/02/2022 09:21

Wow, I'm quite shocked at reading some of the responses here. I remember regularly being out that late on non-school nights from... 14 ish I think? Usually at friend's houses, house parties, or gigs at the nearby largest city. My rule was always that I could set the time I came home (within reason), but I was absolutely not allowed to be late, plus I needed to say where I was. My parents (and friends' parents) weren't even particularly lax.

BooksAndHooks · 08/02/2022 09:23

Of they are at a specific place then yes. We used to go to the under 18s club night at that age. Hanging around the streets/ park no. Also I think 15 in final year of school needs a bit more freedom than 15 and in year 10. This could just have easily happened when they are at college at 17/18 so I think the age is a red herring.

DrivelandNonsense · 08/02/2022 09:23

@Bolets

Wow, I'm quite shocked at reading some of the responses here. I remember regularly being out that late on non-school nights from... 14 ish I think? Usually at friend's houses, house parties, or gigs at the nearby largest city. My rule was always that I could set the time I came home (within reason), but I was absolutely not allowed to be late, plus I needed to say where I was. My parents (and friends' parents) weren't even particularly lax.
@Bolets eh that’s incredibly lax going to house parties at 14 and coming home whenever you wanted (even if you did set the time - so you say oh I’ll be back at 3am and your parents said ok then - madness for a 14 year old.
Ducksurprise · 08/02/2022 09:24

@megletthesecond

My DS has never been out after 7pm. Him and his mates want to be home for food and then they game together on-line.
How sad, your only young once and teenage years shut in a room living an unrealistic life online.
Ducksurprise · 08/02/2022 09:24

You'r

nomoneytree · 08/02/2022 09:27

Mine is only 13 so I guess a lot can change in 2 years, but no, I do not think I would allow this. A special party maybe but just hanging around - I hope she never does that.

Undertheoldlindentree · 08/02/2022 09:29

No, I would not knowingly have my mid-teens out at midnight in a public setting where trouble could arise. Even just distressing arguments or fall-outs as well as drinking and accidents are all more likely after 10pm ime. Yes, all part of life, but when they have lots of other worries like GCSE, friendship groups etc, it seems best to increase the likelihood of them staying on an even keel by reducing some of those risks.

At 15/16 I varied times according to the season; schoolday or weekend; what they were doing; here they were; what I knew of the friendship group they were with. So:

Hanging out in park with known friends- Winter (dark) 7-8pm. Summer (light) 9-10pm
Party at house of friend I knew well and parents there up to 11.30pm
Party at house of friend I didn't know well or not convinced parents at home - 10pm - or didn't go.
Structured setting (bowling/cinema etc) - 10pm
Family party/wedding/holiday -as late as they like.

Obviously apply common sense each time, I but tried really hard to avoid too long at those random teen gatherings in the park where teens from other schools/villages turn up. I know it's important to socialise but that seems to be where more alcohol and drugs appear....things escalate quickly as the evening wears on. Giving a firm pick up time and location can help them say no to stuff (no guarantees Smile!)

Hankunamatata · 08/02/2022 09:30

Friends houses I wouldn't mind that late. A cafe in town no I wouldn't.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 08/02/2022 09:31

Yes, it is too late for a 15 year old to be out. And as for you picking them up at 12.30am - just no. If they're not old enough to get themselves home at that time of night then they're not old enough to be out. Once in a while for a special occasion, fine - every week, no.

Ducksurprise · 08/02/2022 09:31

Hanging out in park with known friends- Winter (dark) 7-8pm. Summer (light) 9-10pm

I'd much rather they were at a cafe than in a park.

QuizzicalEyebrows · 08/02/2022 09:31

They're lucky to have a warm cafe that will have them at that time.

Loads of teens are out till that time it's perfectly normal

QuizzicalEyebrows · 08/02/2022 09:33

I'd never pick my teens up. They have to make to make their own way home meaning they can't go too far but we are in an urban setting with buses and it's never too far to walk

SartresSoul · 08/02/2022 09:34

I had a 9pm curfew until 16 but I would regularly get around this by telling my Mum I was staying over at my friend’s house. I would eventually sleep there but we’d go out drinking beforehand! We used to go drinking at the local uni when they had a goth night, never got ID’d. My main point is 15 year old’s will find a way around rules if they really want to.

Gowithme · 08/02/2022 09:39

No 15 year old gets up to anything good hanging around on street corners at midnight - I know as I was one of them! No way would my 15 year old be doing that.

hopperrock · 08/02/2022 09:43

And as for you picking them up at 12.30am - just no. If they're not old enough to get themselves home at that time of night then they're not old enough to be out.

I disagree - I think 15 is old enough for DD to be out late with her friends but getting home means walking alone and I don't want her doing that at that time of night.