Is 12am too late to be hanging around outside for 15 year olds ?

[GreekGod]

Over the weekend, four of our DD friends all 15 years old were involved in an awful accident and two of the girls are still in intensive care and they are in a critical condition. This has shook our community to the core and I just can't stop thinking about the parents who we know really well. Basically a car driven by an 18 year old at a great speed who just got his license hit two of the girls and the other two had minor injuries. The accident happened outside a coffee shop that is full of teenagers every Saturday night (13 to 16 year olds). My DD was also going to go out that evening to the same place but cancelled at the last minute as we were invited out to a family birthday meal. The accident happened at 12am on Sunday morning and today at the school there was a general discussion by some of the parents saying that they would never allow their children out that late and that the accident would never happened at an earlier time. They talked about attacks and rapes, joyriding and all sorts. We do allow DD out that late. She is a good kid, achieves excellent grades and is very respectful. She is also mature for her age. But it got me thinking. Are we wrong in allowing a 15 year old out at 12am in a group outside in a town with other 15 year olds? My DD could have quite easily been in intensive care herself and I now feel awfully guilty in giving her this freedom that could harm her ? I am so confused. AIBU in allowing a 15 year old to stay out till after 12am ?

Well I'm a rationalist so it would be logical to infer from your criticism these things would it not🤔 or do you agree with that kind of upbringing. I'm not sure why you keep bringing up how you think I think my son's amazing. As it happens, I do because I'm his Mum but still do you have some kind of issue with believing in your dc then? Maybe you should explore that- do you have trust issues.

Oh wait, I think thats my non existent teenager climbing out of his window as we speak, the imaginary restrictive parenting I’m doing to turn my non existent teenager into a carbon copy of myself and infantilising him must be too much for him to take! He’s probably off to get some heroin. 🙄

Its too late. What would you be doing at that time OP? Because every where is shut? At 15 your too young for a club/bar.

Well I'm not being funny but I can't imagine having any opinion on 'good parenting' of a teenager if I didn't have one- you are right that is pretty funny as you speak of 'good parenting' to those of us with teenagers and you don't have one- well yes we are always the best parents of teenagers when we don't have them!

@Goldenbear I highly doubt a rational person would conclude that someone who doesn’t agree with 13 year olds drinking until 1am in peoples houses and doesn’t agree with 15 year olds wandering the streets of a town after midnight would be a parent who insists on infantilising their child to the extent they try climb out of windows to get away from them. A rational person might consider this thing l called a ‘middle ground’ you know the whole realm of other parenting choices aside from out after midnight and locked in their room with a bowl of water and some snacks from 4pm! 🙄🙄

@Goldenbear but I thought I had a teenager? Remember you inferred I did and criticised my parenting??? 🙄

Why would you even contribute to a thread about parenting a teenager - you gave the impression that you had one to me and another poster. Maybe that impression was encouraged by you're comprehensive and judgemental posts about what is good parenting of a teenager and you don't even have one!

@Goldenbear I must have missed the part of the OP that said ‘only parents of teenagers are allowed to reply other people aren’t allowed to have an opinion or golden bears will have a tantrum’

Sounds like you’re more upset your ‘rational inferences’ are just nonsense that facilitated your ramblings about children climbing out of windows due to bad parenting.

Much too late. 15 year olds are still children whatever they might say. They need a proper sleep pattern too

DrivelandNonsense, have an opinion by all means but what is based upon, what experience have you in bringing up teenagers. Your opinions are judgments really and I'm not sure i can respect imagined 'good' parenting of a teenager.

@hopperrock

of course no man would ever attempt to attack a girl out wandering the streets in the middle of the night when she has the protection of eh some other young girls.

She is with a group of boys and girls. I do think it's unlikely a man would attack her as a member of a group of people, some of whom are 6ft+ lads.

If you believe that why not let your 15 year old go to nightclubs, sneak into pubs and get drunk, go back to random people she doesn’t know houses for house parties, watch porn? All also exposures and risks.

You've missed the bit where I said assess the risks and benefits. The benefits of going to a nightclub / pub / getting drunk / going to strangers' houses / watching porn at this age do not outweigh the risks. Whereas imo, the risks of being out in a safe place close to home with her friends are very low, and she is gaining independence, having shared experiences, deepening her friendships, getting out of the house, spending time out in the world instead of watching tv or being online, becoming herself away from us, growing up and having fun.

The downside for us is as a PP says, having to stay sober so that we can pick her up, but for such a short time it's worth it. Especially as my saintly DH volunteers most of the time

6ft lads mid teenagers are no match for adult males wanting to attack someone. There's a reason why teenage boys do not go to adult prisons.

Anyway, it's nice you feel safe enough and your child is sensible enough for you to relax when they're out and about.

We used to go swimming on our own for hrs on end, I couldn't imagine letting my ten yr old do that without me dropping them off.
Maybe it's irrationality, who knows.

How awful, hope your DD’s friends make a speedy recovery. When I was 15 (in 2010!) I would not have been allowed out past 10pm and not to just generally hang about in town, only to go to a friend’s house, cinema for a specific showing, etc.

Yes it’s too late. I have a 15 year old daughter. If she’s at a friends it’s 10/11pm. She wouldn’t be allowed to go out to just hang around in the evening. It’s not an issue because none of her friends are either. In winter she had to be home by 7pm, later in the summer but no later than 9pm.

The parents reaction (and community) is basically Footloose.

It’s hardly footloose to suggest 15 year old girls can be at risk hanging about a town centre at midnight. I’m 47 and don’t particularly enjoy the town centre at midnight.

Banning freedoms is a knee jerk reaction to wanting to keep those you love safe. Easier to blame something than accept that accidents happen in all walks of life.

Who is talking about “banning freedoms”? At what age do you think kids shouldn’t be hanging about at midnight? 13? 10? Is it banning their freedoms to not let them do that?

Firstly what a terrible event! Just praying the girls are OK and pull through .Not a time for judgement as you say .I would not be happy about young teenagers out at such a late hour. Even if they are sensible so much can and sadly does go wrong. As a teenager a friends BF spiked my drink with drugs .(We had already been drinking) and I felt terribly unwell the next day ,and scared as well to tell my parents . My DD had a bad incident where she and her friend were accosted by some guys ,luckily a passing Taxi driver came to their rescue .I am not saying this to scare you ,but sadly these tales are all too common .Maybe let her to a friends house instead ,or collect them 10.30/11.00 from town ?

Irresponsible

I agree that is too late for 15-year-olds to be hanging around outside! My dc is 16 and very sensible, I wouldn't allow that.

@BoredZelda

The parents reaction (and community) is basically Footloose.

It’s hardly footloose to suggest 15 year old girls can be at risk hanging about a town centre at midnight. I’m 47 and don’t particularly enjoy the town centre at midnight.

Banning freedoms is a knee jerk reaction to wanting to keep those you love safe. Easier to blame something than accept that accidents happen in all walks of life.

Who is talking about “banning freedoms”? At what age do you think kids shouldn’t be hanging about at midnight? 13? 10? Is it banning their freedoms to not let them do that?

Because the op says they didn't worry about it before the accident, the community didn't worry about it before the accident. This is in Greece, near a cafe that is happy to have youngsters, not some shirts lawless town in the UK where only degenerates and drunks are hanging out (I wouldn't be in my local town at midnight either)

They are 15 not 10 and a knee jerk reaction to stop them doing something on the back of a terrible accident is banning their freedoms. The car accident could have happened at 9pm

It's all well and good for those parents to preach what they would and wouldn't allow, but it's likely that many of them think their child is at a friend's when in reality they are out roaming the streets/at a cafe/wherever else.

YABU. A friends house maybe, hanging around the streets no.

They should stop the judging and gossip, patting themselves on the back that it couldn't possibly have happened in their own lives, and mind their own business. I don't think it's relevant whether others would allow their teenager to be out at midnight. Either way it isn't the fault of the girls or their parents. There are irresponsible drivers out at all times, and, whatever time you go out, you should of course be able to expect that you are safe. The speeding 18 year old is responsible for the accident.

An update:

One of the girls is out of intensive care and the other girl sadly not yet. We are all praying for them and the kids are totally destroyed by this accident.

Regarding the comments made. I am not a lax, negligent or even crazy (as one poster has said) parent. DD got 11 IGCSE A* (International IGCSE) so clearly, I am doing something right and she is never out on a weekday when she has school. DD is one of the nicest people I know, is a joy to raise and she's not up to any "shennanigans" as one of the posters has said and she is certainly not my friend - DD respects boundaries and completely understands I am the mother and when I tell her no, I mean no. The reason she didn't go out with the group of girls at the weekend is because we had a family birthday for an elderly relative and she completely respected that without any issue whatsoever and she came out with me, DH and my other 2 DC. She is a hardworking kid who just wants to relax a bit at the weekend and go out with her friends in a cafe culture that quite often in a Southern European country is deemed to be very normal albeit people here in our community are now merely questioning if due to the accident whether fifteen year olds should have been out at 12am. Some of the posters have quite rightly stated that the accident could have happened at any time and as the days pass, I believe this too and the time it happened when the girls were out is irrelevant.

Regardless of whether you think AIBU in letting her out at 12am, what has made a huge impact on me in the comments is the lack of trust and respect a lot of posters have for young people today and the suspicions a lot of people have for their own teenage kids which is so so sad. I honesty do not believe most teenage kids go out to only be up to "shennanigans" or "up to no good". I grew up that way with my own parents who always thought i was up to no good (I wasn't - I actually was quite a good boring kid) and it really affected my confidence at the time as a teenager and my relationship with them at the time but that was so many years ago and I honestly thought people are not judgmental like that anymore and its a generational thing. Clearly, that's not the case and the comments have made me sad. I wish honestly, some people could trust young people more.

Makes me wonder if the parents got up to all sorts as teenagers or their own children have been raised badly. My three knew the rules but hold them close with open arms mantra served us well.

Why are you putting so much personal information about other people’s DC online?