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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 12am too late to be hanging around outside for 15 year olds ?

285 replies

GreekGod · 07/02/2022 20:30

Over the weekend, four of our DD friends all 15 years old were involved in an awful accident and two of the girls are still in intensive care and they are in a critical condition. This has shook our community to the core and I just can't stop thinking about the parents who we know really well. Basically a car driven by an 18 year old at a great speed who just got his license hit two of the girls and the other two had minor injuries. The accident happened outside a coffee shop that is full of teenagers every Saturday night (13 to 16 year olds). My DD was also going to go out that evening to the same place but cancelled at the last minute as we were invited out to a family birthday meal. The accident happened at 12am on Sunday morning and today at the school there was a general discussion by some of the parents saying that they would never allow their children out that late and that the accident would never happened at an earlier time. They talked about attacks and rapes, joyriding and all sorts. We do allow DD out that late. She is a good kid, achieves excellent grades and is very respectful. She is also mature for her age. But it got me thinking. Are we wrong in allowing a 15 year old out at 12am in a group outside in a town with other 15 year olds? My DD could have quite easily been in intensive care herself and I now feel awfully guilty in giving her this freedom that could harm her ? I am so confused. AIBU in allowing a 15 year old to stay out till after 12am ?

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 07/02/2022 22:13

That’s not very fair @Thunderpunt. I don’t know any 15 year olds who are binge drinking or going to the pub. Most of them are at various sports clubs, meeting their friends at each other’s houses, that kind of thing - and the rubbish UK weather plays a bit part in where they go at this time of year.

hopperrock · 07/02/2022 22:14

I think this is completely fine OP and those suggesting it's neglect or that they don't let their teenager out after dark (so from about 4.30pm in the winter) are the ones BU. But it really depends a lot on the DC and the area you live in I think. I don't have a problem with DD out late around our home town, wandering the streets if that's what she wants to do, as long as I know where she is and as long as she's with other people. If we lived somewhere riskier and she wasn't sensible I'd think differently.

Parky04 · 07/02/2022 22:14

I have always considered myself as a laid back parent, but no my DC would not have been allowed out at that time.

Wineat5isfine · 07/02/2022 22:15

No, I think 15 is too young to be out that late, but that’s just my opinion.

You know your child / children and no circumstance is the same.

I’m so sorry about the children who were hurt - I hope they make a full recovery

Thunderpunt · 07/02/2022 22:17

Very lucky @SirChenjins
Friday night a local 16 year,olds birthday party ended prematurely as she'd got so drunk and passed out, her parents quietly but firmly had to ask everyone else to leave....and many of them were worse for wear. And that isn't an unusual situation in our leafy Home Counties middle class suburb (and I say that to point out it's supposed to be a 'naice' area not to brag) It's shocking but very common. The pub culture bit was probably a stretch I grant you...Wink

Feilin · 07/02/2022 22:17

I cant comment from a parent view as mines 5 but i know at 15 neither me my brotber or sister would ever have been out then. Mid 90s. Others were but my dad was not happy withthat. I think it boilsdown to your relationship with your kid. Yes its a risk but its a risk at 15 20 25 30 etc etc. The keyis in talking to your child and knowing them. Talking wasnt something my dad did..

justasking111 · 07/02/2022 22:17

I remember during the first lockdown the kids in Spain who were used to this lifestyle relocated to Paris, beaches to meet up at night which caused the police no end of headaches.

justasking111 · 07/02/2022 22:18

Parks not Paris

MushMonster · 07/02/2022 22:18

What a tragedy OP! I hope the girls recover.
I do not think that it has nothing to do with the time, at all. It could have happened at 8 pm.

I think regarding their general safety, it all depends on the place, distance to their home, transport they use to get there, and environment.
You say it is a cafe, frequented by youngsters, and you pick her up. I do not see a major issue with that. If they do not drink or get into other troubles, it sounds good.
If it was dodgy, you would not let her be out. You were happy with it. A driving accident can happen at any time.

apprenticewage · 07/02/2022 22:20

Of course it's too late!!

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/02/2022 22:21

Depends on the town - if you feel it’s safe I’m sure it is. A coffee shop is not a bar. And if there’s a whole gaggle of them that helps too.

To blame the accident on the parents letting their girls stay out is an irrational bit of victim blaming. If he’d ploughed into a group of 18 year olds why would that have made a difference?

I hope the girls recover quickly.

iwanttobeonleave · 07/02/2022 22:22

Absolutely no way would I let my 15 yr old stay out at that time.

ihaveonecat · 07/02/2022 22:22

I was allowed out at that time, providing my parents knew where I was and what time I would be home. Never had a curfew. But I was a sensible teenager apart from the smoking and wasn't out drinking

BadgerStripes · 07/02/2022 22:23

I wouldn’t let my kids at age 15 be out that late, not in a million years.

Goldenbear · 07/02/2022 22:23

The friends I have with kids in the 6th form so there is no 'pub culture' for this age group anymore as you can't get in to a pub. I went to pubs or parties as an older teenager mid to late 90s so I didn't just 'hang around' but apparently there is lots of hanging around at parks etc and these are the kids that are straight As at A levels and gone on to Oxbridge etc in my day it was a not my tribe that hung around in parks and they certainly weren't going to Oxford!

Bbq1 · 07/02/2022 22:23

@refraction

Yes I think it is probably too late.

The cafe sounds a nice idea though but probably until 9 at the latest. Are there many places like this cafe for teenagers?

What normal cafe is open at gone midnight and heavily frequented by teens? I can't imagine a cafe owner being happy to serve hordes of teens just ordering hot chocolate etc and then allowing them to use the cafe as a place to hang out? Sounds odd.
Original poster
GreekGod · 07/02/2022 22:26

@ThirdElephant - yes, the mums were connecting the accident to the girls being out late which I find rather sad as upon review, the accident could have happened at any time not just in the early hours. What's even sadder is that DH has now told DD she is not to go out late and is blaming the accident for this. They all seem to be making this connection in our town.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 07/02/2022 22:27

I think in year 11, especially at the end so the summer before 6th form it wasn't particularly unusual to be out at midnight. I think the attitudes that have resulted in more infantalising of older teenagers is quite recent. I'm not sure how good it is for teenagers when they can not be stopped from doing what they want at 18! I am overprotective of my teenager but I don't know how healthy it is.

justasking111 · 07/02/2022 22:28

The café is in Europe not the UK so quite normal

Mermaidwaves · 07/02/2022 22:28

That's far too late for a 15 year old. Apart from McDonalds what else would be open for them to be doing at that time that's age appropriate? It's terrible what happened to those girls, maybe see it as a warning sign.

Chely · 07/02/2022 22:29

Far too late. Our 16 year old rarely asks to be out later than 6/7pm, if we do allow later it's at a friend's house or with family (dropped off & collected). I don't like her out after dark. I was terrible at her age, I would say I was staying at my friends, she would say she was staying at mine and we would stay out all night.

Original poster
GreekGod · 07/02/2022 22:30

@Bbq1 - ha ha !!! the cafe owners make a lot of money off these teenagers. Think of 70/80 teens ordering hot chocolate and you get my drift...they love serving hordes of teens

OP posts:
MushMonster · 07/02/2022 22:30

When I was in my teens and 20s there was a bakery (yes, a bakery!) that we all of us frequented. After school. Early hours in the morning after clubbing. It had all sort of yummy baked goodies. We all went in and spent the equivalent of 80p to £1. Imagine a huge cloud of young people around the place, each day lol.
They loved us. They made quite a bit out of us.
Also, local cafes used to be a meet up point. Before going to the club.
Those were the days!

hopperrock · 07/02/2022 22:31

I'm not sure how good it is for teenagers when they can not be stopped from doing what they want at 18!

Quite. They need to learn to negotiate the world, including after dark. I'd rather DD did this kind of thing for the first time around the corner from our house with a bunch of her mates (that we know), than at freshers week in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 07/02/2022 22:33

Well the cafe they were all in was open Confused

If its something that the majority of teens do in the country you live then it's not unreasonable.

Sitting in a cafe with a group of mates isn't the same as wandering the streets. Especially if you pick get up

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