To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

Surely it depends how overweight? A little bit plump, no. Struggling to get through normal daily life, yes a bit.

I will admit I did judge when I was in Greggs a while back. I took DD in there for a treat. She had a doughnut and a cup of water (she doesn't like juice, fizzy pop etc) The woman in front of me ordered 2 sausage rolls and 2 doughnuts each for her and her DD aged about 7, (the same age as mine) and full fat coke. Its just unnecessary. My kids absolutely do not have a great diet, lots of fishfingers, waffles, some kind of pudding after each meal, so I'm not preaching from a perfect place, but literally no-one needs two doughnuts one after the other and especially not a 7 yo (and yes both were v overweight).

It is not okay to rely on your own dysfunctional attitude to food and pass it on to your children. I have met people who are either seriously underweight and overweight and they are harming their kids by not addressing it. In either case, actually shortening or limiting their prospects of a good healthy life. Its not wrong to judge it at all.#

There are plenty of parents who manage to ensure their kids have a healthy life who are overweight. I do not buy this argument that its difficult and passed on it. Its adults who don't address it.

Yes, there was a poor child in my son's class that was built like a brick shithouse he looked like a pumped up mitchelin man the poor kid could run properly and probably felt really bad about himself but he was being fed nothing but shite! If mother had fed him a balanced diet and got him regular excersise the other kids would not be taking the piss out if the poor kid all the time.

I don't, because a) it's none of my business, and b) there are so many reasons for obesity which are nobody's fault.

Even if it is a simple matter of overeating, it's still not helpful or appropriate to be judgemental about it, is it? Do you judge people with other eating disorders? People whose kids self-harm, or don't sleep, or any other disordered behaviour? Obesity is very visible, but it's no more simple than any other characteristic, nor is it automatically "the parents' fault". If you're silently judging someone else purely on the basis of a child's appearance, then you're probably an arsehole. I'd rather be fat, personally.

I also wish people would stop blaming poverty, it's insulting. I grew up poor in a poverty stricken area and yet not a single member of my family, my extended family, the kids in my street or the kids at school were overweight. Sweets, crisps and fizzy drinks were a rare treat and a snack between meals was a piece of toast. Come to think of it, it was pretty rare to see an overweight adult too.

I shouldn't have clicked on this thread I am overweight (well obese if we are being honest) and have had a lifetime of struggling with my weight (weight gain started when I broke my leg when I was about 7 and my dad passing away when I was 8) I have been on diets / diet clubs/ suffered from bulimia and only now in my 40th year starting to get a grip on my relationship with food.
My eldest is a skinny but perfectly in proportion to his height and absolutely eats anything and everything.
My youngest is definitely in the overweight category despite then having the same diet. He is as tall as a 9/10 year old (now taller than his older brother) at the age of 7. He plays football (clubs) 3 x a week, swimming lessons once a week as well as kickboxing for an hour every week. This does not include the playing He does at school, after school club and in the park.
I do not want him to have the same issues I have with regards to food but we have lots of discussions about balancing our diet and if we have treat food in the house, it is portioned out so that he doesn't go overboard.
I am sure many of the parents that see him, whether at school or when playing in a footie match probably judge us, especially as I am obese, but I am doing the best I can and IMHO, as long as we try and get the balance right and I know he is being fed good food, I don't know what people expect me to do!

Judge away.
I am very slim. DS1 is very slim.
Ds2 is overweight. He is 12
I am aware of it and treading very carefully in how I handle it, as he is quite fragile emotionally.
We've had help from the MH team.
He's dealing with the complete rejection from his father.

So judge me, but please do it behind my back so I don't feel even more shit than I already do.

sweetbellyhigh by my parenting being the same, I meant I was not shovelling junk food into DS and giving DD salads. They are of course different children. DS has sensory processing issues and finds it difficult to regulate and is also demand avoidant. He requires a lot more parenting in many ways. It gets difficult because I don’t want to be constantly on at him that he has eaten enough and he needs to exercise but that is how it feels I am.

Yes, I do. For some, there will be genuine health issues but not for most. Even if the child isn't an active child/doesn't like sports, they won't be overweight if they're fed properly. I say this as someone who hated sports as a child and had very poor parents who worked 12 hours a day with no outside help: I had a home cooked meal every day and I didn't see cake or chocolate unless it was an occasion. Feeding your child is the most basic responsibility of any parent.

You’re probably in a very privileged position if you feel confident judging other parents.

As a parent who gets judged for both a skinny dc and a slightly overweight one, as well as dealing with all the shitty looks the other SN behaviours bring, I’m really envious of these high horses.

@Bettyboopawoop

Yes, there was a poor child in my son's class that was built like a brick shithouse he looked like a pumped up mitchelin man the poor kid could run properly and probably felt really bad about himself but he was being fed nothing but shite! If mother had fed him a balanced diet and got him regular excersise the other kids would not be taking the piss out if the poor kid all the time.

And interestingly it's exactly the kind of disgust-laden language you've used about that child that means he "feels bad about himself". Lovely.

DiddyHeckagree with you as I grew up poor, But we had three meals a day , no snacks and had a treat on a friday. My siblings and I are all slim and we are in 40s and 50s now

@firstimemamma

Obviously it is terrible but I often remind myself that the parents were probably fat children themselves and don't know how to break the cycle. I'm not saying that makes it ok though.

Wow!

One of DDs primary school friends became very overweight. I know why though. There was zero control over her eating, she was eating adult meals in restaurants at 6 and still complain she was hungry and then eating again. She was allowed to eat as many sweets/crisps as she wanted as long as she didn’t bother her mum.
Her mum actually said to me her husband had mentioned it and she said it ‘wasn’t her problem and she would need to diet when she was older’.
Mum was always on a diet (that didn’t work) and was always overweight, but not as big as her daughter though.

I’ve seen one picture of her since she started secondary (they moved) and she’s enormous. I judge her mum.

@sadpapercourtesan

I don't, because a) it's none of my business, and b) there are so many reasons for obesity which are nobody's fault.

Even if it is a simple matter of overeating, it's still not helpful or appropriate to be judgemental about it, is it? Do you judge people with other eating disorders? People whose kids self-harm, or don't sleep, or any other disordered behaviour? Obesity is very visible, but it's no more simple than any other characteristic, nor is it automatically "the parents' fault". If you're silently judging someone else purely on the basis of a child's appearance, then you're probably an arsehole. I'd rather be fat, personally.

I certainly did judge one woman who anorexia who then had a near competitive relationship with her daughter who also then developed anorexia. An inversion of what a parent is supposed to be. She could have addressed her attitude to food and helped her child.

She didn't, and they spiralled down together.

Judge, no (I don’t think I do) but I do feel sorry for them because children definitely single them out for being overweight ime.

Being overweight could be due to a whole host of reasons, the parents I judge are those with DC without SEN who shovel shit in their kids mouths constantly creating obesity.

My DC are fussy eaters but I purposefully don’t buy tonnes of sweets and chocolates else I’d have an even harder time getting them to cook my delicious (ha) home cooked meals.

For those that judge, please, please don't. Often its not silent, you may comment to another adult or even to the overweight child, I know my poor ds has had it for years and it has broken my heart many a time.

I have 2 DC's. Both have been raised the same, and given the same food. My eldest is petite and slim, could eat a horse and doesn't seem to put weight on.

Younger DC just turned 17. Was on the 99th percentile for height and weight since birth. He is about 6'2 now and in an adult large to x large. He has been an extremely picky eater since about age 10, however this does not equate to him living off junk food as I expect people have wrongly assumed.

Never forget the day he came home and told me an adult called him a 'Fat Bastard' and the tears that followed. Or the time when we were in a 5* AI when he was 13 and an adult called him a 'Fat Pig' when he was swimming in the pool with a t-shirt as he was embarrassed about his weight.

Before anyone asks what I have done about it over the years? Everything. Regular swimming, bike rides, calorie counted for him, 2hr walks on mild evenings, home gym etc.

Food through his childhood very normal, mostly home cooked. The closest I ever got to 'junk' food was/is frozen pizzas or breaded chicken.

Today for example he had an iced coffee before College (not great, but he doesn't do breakfast atm!) He took in a ready made pasta salad to have for lunch, 1X low calorie crisps and 1lt of water. He has come home and I am cooking spicy chicken with a Jacket Pot and a mixed salad. He might have a bowl of 'Pudding Cereal' prior to bed.

Not the diet of a fat bastard, a neglectful mother or a multitude of other insults I have heard over the years.

Plus side, he has had a good bunch of mates since primary that seem to love him, always someone popping over to see him and a good social life. He doesnt need to be reminded or judged by strangers he is overweight. He knows. He's trying.

Oh and my DS being overweight is nothing to do with my financial status. I am financially secure.

This thread is so full of sweeping generalisations.

i try my hardest not too as im mindful im not the perfect parent and im sure that if someone who knew me wanted to they could nitpick away at some of my failings , but sometimes i confess i do wonder what the hell parents are doing when they have a fat child and do nothing .

although from my observations the fat child normally has a one or two fat parents so its just normal to them . and its more or less encouraged , iv seen fat children getting bought sweets ,chocolates anything they want to eat really , i guess the parents dont feel the need to have the row by saying no

@Lexmitior what good did it do anyone, you judging her? Presumably she was struggling with her mental health, rather than actively wanting to destroy her daughter? It sounds like a heartbreaking situation for mother and daughter, both of whom should have had support.

But I'm sure you hoiking your bosom on the sidelines did lots of good.

Judge... no. As you don't know an individual story.

But the statistics show that a quarter of Reception children and a third of Yr6 children are officially overweight (91-98 BMI percenile) or obese (98+ BMI percentile). That is something as a society we need to be aware of, and that a child can look normal in their peer group but still be overweight.

It's hard not to judge, it's something we do subconsciously.
When I was at secondary school there were 2/3 obese children in my year group of 150. In some primary classes now up to half are obese.

My sister has had comments that she’s anorexic her whole life. She was taken to the doctors when she was 8/9 as my mum started to get paranoid from all the comments. She was told that she had a perfectly good diet and to ignore. Then when she had the kids there were also the comments that she must not be feeding her kids either…

You never know what’s going on at home but I also believe it to be child abuse when a parent is causing obesity.

A lot of it is down to education. Not knowing how to make cheap healthy meals, not knowing portion sizes, not knowing all the hidden calories.

My step sister is yo-yo’r in slimming world. Cares about ‘being healthy’ and her weight but doesn’t have the foggiest where to actual start outside of counting ‘sins’. Her kids are on the heavy side and going to grow up exactly the same as their diet is absolutely shit.

Yes I do, I teach many kids who are really overweight and super unhealthy. It makes me sad.
I’ve got a fruit bowl in my office and always offer fruit- most accept!

Brilliant. More calories is exactly what these children need 😂