To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

Yep. My parents are in total denial she’s overweight and complain about how ridiculously small they make children’s clothes or how she’s gearing up for a growth spurt. I probably need another discussion with school to see if they’d be more prepared to ensure she only ate what was in her packed lunch if we started sending one. It would at least reduce the meals where we had no idea what she was eating

Yeah I’d imagine it would be harder with Grandparents, they all like to spoil the kids don’t they? But the school should be on your side, definitely worth a little talk, I’d say. Good luck.

It frustrates the hell out of me but people (including school) just assume it’s fine for her to have (for example) another half jacket potato with beans because if she wasn’t hungry she wouldn’t ask and it isn’t unhealthy and it would be awful to refuse her food when she’s hungry.

I think some people are scared of being a bit hungry, as seen by the amount of snacks some people take when only out for a short while! DS' childminder we had to put notice in as although we would pack a lunch and snacks and not adverse to food like chocolate now and again; it was being used as a reward tool, which is behaviours around food I struggled with and didn't want to repeat. Nursery was great though, plenty of nice food so never went hungry, but it wasn't have some buttons for getting in the car, crisps at the park to keep you occupied, loads of breadsticks as they're 'like air basically'. It was balanced meals and then fruit and veg sticks available whenever. Again, no issue with chocolate and crisps, but not associated with praise or regularly.

@Gwenhwyfar

"You then look at the calorie count on any standard ready meal. Again, any woman below average size would have to either skip meals completely or not eat a whole portion."

I used to eat a lot of ready meals and there were loads under about 450 calories. Really not that difficult to find.

What surprised me was reading on MN that people add things to ready meals. That would of course up the calories.

This is something that really bugs me. The "average" as if that's making it ok. What happens in a few more years when the average size of a woman is a size 18. Then it's fine right? I mean, I'm fat but everyone else is. If we're all obese, we can call normalise it under the phrase "average" and then it's fine

@RedToothBrush

What I find most frightening is how people get offended when you state the bleeding obvious link over what people eat and their weight.

The deliberate cognitive dissonance to avoid the truth is telling.

But you must see the link between the blame culture and minimisation/denial? The more stridently people berate othes with accusations of abuse, laziness and neglect, the more likely they are to disengage, and any valid points hidden beneath all the hyperbole are lost. Obviously some are on here just for the fun of it, but for those genuinely concerned, I mean.

Yeah people generally change and are best able to look after themselves, make good choices etc when their self esteem is good and things are fairly settled.
Having lots of randoms on the Internet (perhaps snerry looks in real life or comments) telling them how easy it is and how lazy, stupid and neglectful they are and I am so much better than they are is hardly going to put them in a frame of mind to change

Its cowardice and yet another excuse.

"i cant do anything because of other people"

Utter rot.

If people started just getting on with it and confronted the problem it wouldn't be a big deal. There would be a network of people all doing the same thing and over time, support for those doing it.

The fact remains that these parents don't want to do something that might be a bit difficult.

The very act of doing nothing is the issue here. Parents who continue to do this are putting their feelings before whats in the best interests of their kids.

Its like other taboo things, someone has to break the ice and get on with it.

We have a health timebomb thats ticking here. Which will leave the next generation with a reduced quality of life and life expectancy. If your first thought is 'what if people judge me' in that context, all it proves is the selfishness of these parents.

I have maximum respect for anyone who does take responsibility.

Stop justifying the unjustifiable. Cos thats what you are doing.

Also. Stopping having snacks in the house doesn't involve much effort.

The issue (again) is the parents doing want to give up the snacks and they don't want to have to deal with children hassling them for snack because they want an easy life rather than to parent their children.

Sorry done with excuses.

I was referring more to adults TBH and my personal experience over the years where my weight has fluctuated based on how challenging life is and how good my Mental Health was at the time.
Currently overweight but working on it and my Mental Health through exercise mainly. Including teens in this too as much as possible. More difficult for the one do anxious and depressed she barely leaves the house.
My kids were not overweight as little children ( my youngest definately isn't now) but as teens the weight has crept up due to a plethora of reasons.

Nobody knows what is going on in others lives and how hard they are trying.

Not hard enough if you have an overweight child under 10 is the answer.

@RedToothBrush

Its cowardice and yet another excuse.

"i cant do anything because of other people"

Utter rot.

If people started just getting on with it and confronted the problem it wouldn't be a big deal. There would be a network of people all doing the same thing and over time, support for those doing it.

The fact remains that these parents don't want to do something that might be a bit difficult.

The very act of doing nothing is the issue here. Parents who continue to do this are putting their feelings before whats in the best interests of their kids.

Its like other taboo things, someone has to break the ice and get on with it.

We have a health timebomb thats ticking here. Which will leave the next generation with a reduced quality of life and life expectancy. If your first thought is 'what if people judge me' in that context, all it proves is the selfishness of these parents.

I have maximum respect for anyone who does take responsibility.

Stop justifying the unjustifiable. Cos thats what you are doing.

I'm not justifying anything. I have no personal investment in this. My children were slim and have grown up slim and healthy, despite my own crimes against nutrition, and we are all now wholefood vegans. I was making a wider point that if people feel they will be blamed and berated for something they are often more likely to minimise it. Which isn't a matter of opinion, but of fact. Surely anyone concerned about the problem shouldn't want to exacerbate it.

The problem is they aren't going to address it if we just say 'oh yeah no problem it doesn't matter big is beautiful' though either are they? And thats what is creeping in. The normalisation of what is a real problem.

What are adults who have an interest in child welfare and health supposed to say? Nothing?

Seriously?!

We don't have a choice but to tackle it head on and to have a zero tolerance type attitude to shit excuses.

Many will ignore it, but quite frankly thats a conscious decision to bury your head in the sand.

Either engage or quite rightly be questioned as to why you are ignoring your children's wellbeing.

@Thymeout

I don't know if anyone else has seen the ads for On the Beach holidays? Family of four, 2 kids, girl about 8 and brother probably around 10. Girl is slim. Boy obviously overweight, but focus is on him. They show him practically drooling over the free buffet in the private airport lounge. Double chin. Then in the next ad, his sister drops her ice cream and he's rubbing it in by making a show of how much he's enjoying his, right in her face. Parents are a bit overweight but not as much as the child, and when the mum strips off to jump in the pool the dad has a look in his eye to show he still fancies her.

I thought they were going down the Dove route, not choosing the most photogenic family, with perfect physiques, but the way it's coming across is that the boy is overweight because he loves his food, but that's OK because he's got a great personality and isn't self-conscious about how he looks.

Can't help thinking they've got this wrong. That's going to be a v unhappy teenager if he's allowed to carry on like that.

Yes! Why did the advertising agency think this was a good idea?

Not hard enough if you have an overweight child under 10 is the answer.

@RedToothBrush I don't/didn't

I think a lot of it is genetic- eg high or low metabolism. Babies are born with a certain build/muscle tone etc which can change but on a general level, is pre set. So chubby active kids with a good diet, no. Hugely obese kids I feel sorry for- they didn’t choose that life for themselves. They will miss out on so much because of weight.

You only have to look at threads from parents who get a letter age 5 saying their kid is overweight and the reaction they have to it.

There is a duty of care to point out the problem. And that is apparently offensive or shaming. Its nonsense. No one is shaming by doing that. Just identifying there is an issue you should be following up. If you don't take action to follow it up, you have to start asking why.

The reality is that if your kid has no known underlying medical issues and their bmi is significantly north of where it should be, you need to act before the problem spirals. Once they are a teenager it becomes much more difficult to change their habits and life style. Before age 10 there are no excuse unless properly diagnosed by a doctor.

Having seen the reaction of parents to this letter (and having seen their eating habits) there isn't a great mystery going on here.

My nephew (now 12) is overweight or better described as obese.
He has been conditioned that he needs to have snacks available at all times. There are no underlying health issues.

I used to take him to the park for a few hours to play with DS (same age) when younger... he always came with a backpack full of chocolates, crisps, sweet drinks & co. He wouldn't go off and play properly, he would literally take one walk around the playground and be back snacking.

I stopped taking him as the snacking stopped him from playing and my DS didn't really like him after a while.

(This also means it stopps him from socialising)
Obesity in children IS the parents fault in the majority of cases. (Exemptions are underlying health issues/ certain medication that will increase weight)

@RedToothBrush

The problem is they aren't going to address it if we just say 'oh yeah no problem it doesn't matter big is beautiful' though either are they? And thats what is creeping in. The normalisation of what is a real problem.

What are adults who have an interest in child welfare and health supposed to say? Nothing?

Seriously?!

We don't have a choice but to tackle it head on and to have a zero tolerance type attitude to shit excuses.

Many will ignore it, but quite frankly thats a conscious decision to bury your head in the sand.

Either engage or quite rightly be questioned as to why you are ignoring your children's wellbeing.

It doesn't need to be one extreme or the other though. There is a middle ground between ignoring an issue and wading in with a verbal sledge hammer. Like it or not, it is a complex area with a great deal of emotional and psychological factors at play. Sticking your caps lock on and yelling at people about how straightforward it is if they weren't so lazy/neglectful/stupid as some posters have done will alienate them, and the content of the message will be lost in the delivery.

Im sorry but how soft do you want it to be when sending a fucking letter telling parents 'hey you have a problem' sets off 'there's nothing wrong with my child' nonsense.

Stop it. Just stop it.

If you are offended by material reality, then really the soft approach isn't going to work is it?

People who want to live in fantasy land aren't being served if you pander to it. It doesn't stop the problem existing. All this pandering does is give licence to continue to ignore said issue.

The brick wall of reality doesn't change if you paint it pink and fluffy and use euphemisms for it and pretend its not really going to go hurt when you walk into it.

All the time, money and effort that goes into pretending there isn't a problem for people who don't want to own and take responsibility for problems does not magic problems away. I don't think it makes it easier to engage either. It just allows a problem to fester.

Sometimes there are issues where you cannot go 'oh well we should take a middle route', because no middle route actually exists and if you don't fully acknowledge the problem you just let it continue. You either have a problem or you dont.

You don't tell alcoholics with a full on problem to just drink 5 pints in a night instead of 10, do you?

Yeah but you can't tell a morbidly obese person (ie a full on problem) to stop eating completely either.
It has to be a gradual change of lifestyle that is sustainable.

And actually @RedToothBrush that is precisely what you do with sn alcoholic. If they go cold turkey they can have fits etc.

Obviously the final destination is compete abstinence but it has to be a gradually process .

They have to actually admit there is a problem for their children.

The issue is the parents not admitting the problem. They have the means to treat children before it becomes more problematic through early intervention.

They don't want to.

And are offended at the merest hint of telling them there is a problem witb their child.

And yeah just removing snacks wouldnt be a bad first step.

Wont happen. Its neglect.

I have five children. All eaten the same and one is overweight. The others are all within the normal range. He eats no differently to the others. The only difference is he has a different father to the others. It baffles me!

Yes! Why did the advertising agency think this was a good idea?

I think the advertising agency knows exactly what they are doing. It's for an All-inclusive holiday isn't it? I guess more people will be drawn to it if the kid on the advert looks like their not so little Johnny and they are the ones that go on that type of holiday.