To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

Can I just interject to say please do not judge as you cannot possibly know the reason for the child being overweight.

My son was very slim until 9 years old, so slim we had to buy skinny fit trousers and alter the waists to stay up. He was strong and healthy.

An illness then manifested which required medication that made him gain weight, rapidly.

He felt terrible about himself, repeatedly telling me he was fat, horrible. Told me never to buy him a sweet again because he was too fat to be allowed nice things.

This from a poorly child who had not changed diet at all.

I know he will be the minority, a lot of overweight children are so because of choices at home, but please don't be going around judging the children and parents who are trying to keep those kids self esteem up.

We've been advised ds will grow into his weight now and it seems to be working as he recuperates.

Also, I was a skinny child but have been overweight my whole adult life. Love choc biscuits.

@frogsbreath

Can I just interject to say please do not judge as you cannot possibly know the reason for the child being overweight.

My son was very slim until 9 years old, so slim we had to buy skinny fit trousers and alter the waists to stay up. He was strong and healthy.

An illness then manifested which required medication that made him gain weight, rapidly.

He felt terrible about himself, repeatedly telling me he was fat, horrible. Told me never to buy him a sweet again because he was too fat to be allowed nice things.

This from a poorly child who had not changed diet at all.

I know he will be the minority, a lot of overweight children are so because of choices at home, but please don't be going around judging the children and parents who are trying to keep those kids self esteem up.

We've been advised ds will grow into his weight now and it seems to be working as he recuperates.

Also, I was a skinny child but have been overweight my whole adult life. Love choc biscuits.

That is so sad. I am sorry your son feels like this.

@hugr I think you have to get a grip if that is the case - everyone knows that obesity in children leads to poor health outcomes. Parents are supposed to care for children, not managing their weight is their fault alone.

When I was a kid we had lunch and then an evening meal much later.

But it is now commonplace for children to have McDonalds etc as an after school snack, in effect two dinners. This was not an option for us and we didn't have takeaway outlets.

Children are often extremely hungry after school especially during growth spurts so I can understand why a quick meal can seem like a good idea. But probably something that should not be a regular event.

That fast food is so cheap exacerbates the problem.

Medical conditions aside.....
Do you ever see a fat child with skinny parents? Nope! The parents are always overweight/obese too. It's a lifestyle problem. & yes in some cases, I consider it neglect/abuse

No I don’t. I would have in the past. Now I realise it could be caused by a great number of things and it’s really inappropriate for me to even think it’s my business or think badly of parents who might actually be trying their best in difficult circumstances.

@KatyAnna

I have one daughter who is petite and can eat as much as she likes and not gain weight and one son who has always been on the heavy side. He puts on weight very easily. My parenting of both is the same. If anything my son does more sport and activities than my daughter does and I make sure he does an hour at least every day as this is what the dietician recommended. I cook from scratch etc. I am not overweight. Maybe I am a shit parent but having been to the GP, a paediatrician, two sets of healthy eating/lifestyle classes, and a dietician, I would really like someone to tell me what exactly I am doing wrong because none of the above seem to be able to tell me. But yes, judge away. Very glad his friends don’t seem to!

Of course you are not a shit parent.

But I don't think we should necessarily parent our children the same. All children are different and need to be parented accordingly.

Having said that, it sounds as though you are very attuned to your children's individual needs.

@Nc123

Of course not.

I have three sons, two of whom are slim and one of whom was a big heavy baby and is now a big chunky 7yo. He’s always been tall and heavy for his age and eats plenty of fruit and veg; it just seems to be the way his body works.

You don’t judge anyone for their weight or body shape, whether they’re 4, 14 or 40. It’s a horrible way to view the world.

By 'heavy' do you mean fat? Unless he has a medical problem, surely you should feed him according to how his body works in order to prevent that?

@CandyLeBonBon

What is the point of judging this child op? Will your judgement instantly cause the child's weight to settle at a healthier level? Will your judgment improve anything about that child's life?

Because if not, then your judgement is a pointless, spiteful exercise in simply feeling morally superior. Who does it serve?

Can I make it abundantly clear I don't judge the child!? I don't, I really really don't. I feel for them, encourage my own daughter to get to know them, it's my fleeting judgement of the parents I wondered about, as it clearly states in my op... and the thread title.

Pumpkinstace that's exactly the situation I wouldn't judge as I would think there must be something else going on there.

I try not to judge, but I do worry it will set them up for problems later in life. My DH was a very overweight child and teenager. His parents were both doctors, so it was hardly through ignorance of what to feed him! He says it was because he used to eat as much as his two much older brothers and completely blames himself for it, even though the issues started when he was 5 or 6. Now as an adult his weight yo-yos constantly and when he is heavier he is utterly miserable. I do feel his parents should have taken more action when he was a child, as now his overeating is set and always a challenge for him. The self-loathing is just so hard to deal with, plus when he is thinner I feel like a killjoy reminding him to be careful as I know he will just pile it on again (and he does). Rinse repeat.

@OnceuponaRainbow18

Yes I do, I teach many kids who are really overweight and super unhealthy. It makes me sad. I’ve got a fruit bowl in my office and always offer fruit- most accept!

Why do you offer fruit? It's extra calories and snacks that they don't need. Eating fruit won't make them slimmer or perceptively healthier.

Obese children very often have obese parents. I would like not to judge, but it feels like these kids have no chance.

People who let their children become obese are bad parents. I feel sorry for the kids.

I feel sorry for the children but no, I don't judge. I might in individual cases if I knew the family and it was just neglectful parenting. But there's usually more to it.

Firstly, because health is hugely bound up with socioeconomic factors. If you're well off, you have more choice as to the food you buy, there will usually be more time to prepare food, you can afford more activities for your DC, they will usually have greater access to outdoor space and you can afford non-food treats for your kids such as trips to the soft play, zoo, theme parks etc. Being poor takes up a lot of time and energy that you then don't have for feeding your kids healthily. It just becomes about survival and getting through the day. And food is an affordable 'treat' you can offer your children. And everyone likes to treat their children sometimes.

Second, children differ. My DS is thin as a rake and not very interested in food. He wants to be away playing. My battle with him is to make him sit nicely at the table long enough to eat something. Some of his friends are much better at sitting down and enjoying their food and will eat a lot more than him. Some of them are chubbier. It just depends on the child. If you have a child who enjoys eating and doesn't necessarily regulate themselves particularly well and stop when they're full, it's much harder to ensure they maintain a healthy weight especially as they get older and have more freedom.

I don’t judge overall but do judge those who are aware it’s an issue but keep their head in the sand.

@ChocolateMassacre

I feel sorry for the children but no, I don't judge. I might in individual cases if I knew the family and it was just neglectful parenting. But there's usually more to it.

Firstly, because health is hugely bound up with socioeconomic factors. If you're well off, you have more choice as to the food you buy, there will usually be more time to prepare food, you can afford more activities for your DC, they will usually have greater access to outdoor space and you can afford non-food treats for your kids such as trips to the soft play, zoo, theme parks etc. Being poor takes up a lot of time and energy that you then don't have for feeding your kids healthily. It just becomes about survival and getting through the day. And food is an affordable 'treat' you can offer your children. And everyone likes to treat their children sometimes.

Second, children differ. My DS is thin as a rake and not very interested in food. He wants to be away playing. My battle with him is to make him sit nicely at the table long enough to eat something. Some of his friends are much better at sitting down and enjoying their food and will eat a lot more than him. Some of them are chubbier. It just depends on the child. If you have a child who enjoys eating and doesn't necessarily regulate themselves particularly well and stop when they're full, it's much harder to ensure they maintain a healthy weight especially as they get older and have more freedom.

This is a really thoughtful reply, thank you! You're right about the socioeconomic factors, something for me to think about, I appreciate it.

I used to feel bigger as a child( although looking back on photos I wasn't as big as I thought I was!!) but I was bigger than most girls in my class ,my sister and brother were both skinny, we ate the same, did same amount of activity, sweets etc were a special treat , so I think there is a genetic component to weight and some kids can eat loads and still be super skinny- I had friends like this!
However I think kids are getting larger,looking back at the same school photos the boy who we all thought was fat ( sorry it was the 80s !)
Would pass for a normal size now in my children's peer group.
To answer your question I try not to judge and wouldn't judge the child at all because they can only eat what they are given but if they were very very overweight I would perhaps wonder about the parents.

Obviously it is terrible but I often remind myself that the parents were probably fat children themselves and don't know how to break the cycle. I'm not saying that makes it ok though.

How do you know they don't have a medical condition like Prader-Willi Syndrome, for example?

I used to judge. Then one of my children became very overweight. He’s autistic and went through a compulsive eating phase for a few years. He got huge and I felt so ashamed, but it was honestly so hard to manage. He would steal and binge food, and I had to put locks on cupboard doors and hide food around the house to stop him from consuming it. He even stole money from me to go to the shop and buy food.

I’m sure people judged me and his Dad.

My son eventually stopped eating like this and the weight has gradually dropped off. But it’s made me more philosophical about these things.

yes i do judge...there is no reason (apart from health related) that children are overweight. Parents feed them and are responsible for that and the duty of a parent is to look after them , nurture and send them on there way as adults to enjoy life. Many parents have there own battles with weight and pass it on to their kids. My friend struggled with weight after having kids, both her DC are obese, her DD was obese by the time she was 6. I baby sat once and she had a student cupboard, filled with nothing apart from some pasta and in her freezer some nasty super high calorie and sugar pizzas. One tiny one was 1000 calories. i couldnt prepare her kids food. Any child with a massive waist line in primary as far as i am concerned its neglect. It leads to long term health issues and increases the risk of diabetes. No excuse these days with the amoung of information available. I know someone who also struggled with her weight but her DC are slim, she has them engaged in various sports and ensures they have a healthy diet. Being an overweight adult is no excuse for your DC being overweight.

I would have before having my own child. Having a chronically underweight non-NT child massively changed my perspective. You never know the whole story.

Why is it horrible? Do you not know the cost (mental, physical and financial) of obesity? Just because you don’t want/can do anything about it, it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable

I was a fat child. I also loved fruit and veg and ate loads of it. My mum was far stricter about healthy eating than other parents. We never had fizzy drinks ever for example.