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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

893 replies

PaddleBoardingMomma · 07/02/2022 17:24

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

OP posts:
Youcansaythatagainandagain · 07/02/2022 17:44

@drpet49

* Yes I do because, nine times out of ten, the parents are overweight too. They're adults - that's their choice to eat too much but their child has to rely on them for food so doesn't get to choose.*

^This

I judge the parents too and feel sad for the children tbh.
MomOfCritters · 07/02/2022 17:45

I don't instantly judge because it's not who I am, but I have noticed one child in my ds class is larger and his mom sends in unhealthy snacks for him which I do judge her for that 🙈

Startingtomoveon · 07/02/2022 17:46

Yes and no. If it was my DC becoming overweight I would be seriously overhauling their diet, if need be, and ensuring exercise was a priority as a family. A girl my DS(6) went to nursery with is in his class and she was very overweight at 3, and is still very overweight at 7. Her mum said she has always been obsessed with eating, whereas her two older DC aren’t and are a healthy weight. If it were me I would have tried to address this at 3, and sought GP help if necessary.

Maybe I’m biased because I was a skinny child who suddenly blew up like a balloon at 10. I was never bullied by anyone except my parents, whose relentless bullying about what I looked like have affected me throughout adulthood. They just piled the blame on me, when they did nothing to help - they were the ones providing all meals, and never encouraged exercise.

When it’s children who are overweight I believe it is the adults around them who need to guide them to healthy choices, and ensure that they set an example themselves.

Hospedia · 07/02/2022 17:46

You really can't think of reasons why a child could be overweight?

  • disability and/or illness
  • medical treatment that causes weight gain
  • sensory issues related to ASD, ADHD, SPD, etc that can lead to excessive eating/only eating specific foods (e g , processed foods)
  • poverty
  • genetics
  • emotional issues relating to food
  • parental lack of support/education, e.g., lack of knowledge around child nutrition

And that's just a short list. It's a complex issue and does not have an easy fix.

Retisestress · 07/02/2022 17:47

It depends how chubby they are . My daughter in yr 6 was overweight but can honestly say that as a Mum I didn’t see it! She is now in her late 20s and is a size 8 and has had a baby..so unless a child is eating absolute crap…just wait and see !!

Diditopknot · 07/02/2022 17:47

No.
I have no idea of what’s happening in the background.
For instance, my friends child had an incurable brain tumour. She was treated with heavy duty steroids.
She remained at school for as long as she was well, the steroids contributed to her being well.
Then she went part time.
Before such time as she became end of life.
Steroids make people puff up.

So no.
I do not judge.

Hospedia · 07/02/2022 17:48

If it were me I would have tried to address this at 3, and sought GP help if necessary

I think you're severely overestimating how much dietary support there is available on the NHS.

Horst · 07/02/2022 17:49

Yes I do. I have a friend or more someone I know who’s 2 year old is bigger than my slap bang average nearly 6 year old.

She slaps back commented from friends and her own mum that the child needs to be on some kind of diet. Then posts “hard day at preschool so had a sneaky mc Donald’s” or every couple of days a full fry up as breakfast. Like yeah the child obese because of what it’s being fed. It’s in age 7-8 clothes and often looks like it’s about to burst out of them.

TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 07/02/2022 17:51

I have on occasion. I’ve taught year 2/3 children that can’t sit on the floor with others, or struggle to get off the floor in P.E.. I’ve been on year 5 residential trips and helped a child with compression socks as a result of extreme obesity. I’ve taught children with type 2 diabetes. I’ve taught kids who have clear breathing impediment, who can’t join in slow paced games. Kids who can’t use the furniture for year 6 by year 3.
It seems cruel in these cases I’ve seen at the extreme end (I knew the medical info, none of these children had a primary cause for weight gain that was medical).
If the kid is miserable, and the parent obstructive and defensive that’s my judgement line. Before that it’s not my business

PatchworkElmer · 07/02/2022 17:51

Honestly, yes I do, because of the long term health risks. I do understand that it’s often linked to disability or health issues, but I do find it hard not to feel sad for the child.

maddiemookins16mum · 07/02/2022 17:51

Yep. There was an obese boy in DD’s class, he was at least twice the size of all the other wains. His Dad was over 20 stone and collected him every day, with a grab bag of crisps. I saw him before Christmas, he’s nearly 18 (the boy that is), and he’s a very large lad.

Chely · 07/02/2022 17:51

A little bit of podge, nah they often trim down when they get older.

When they have calves chunkier than mine (I'm not the slimmest atm), I raise an eyebrow at and take my own kids for a walk.

Coughee · 07/02/2022 17:52

I don’t no. You have absolutely no idea what potential health conditions there may be or what their family life is like. Feeding our kids is hugely bound up with how we love and nurture them - watching them grow and thrive and being proud that they’re eating well is such a big thing when they’re babies and toddlers. I can totally see how this can get out of control. I don’t believe for a second all obese kids have parents who ply them with junk food. I think just as many eat healthy food but too much of it. It’s also not that easy to ensure kids are active if both parents work.

I also think there are very few perfect parents out there and while you might be judging a parent for getting one aspect wrong they could have every reason to judge you for fucking up a different aspect of parenting.

busyeatingbiscuits · 07/02/2022 17:53

I feel sorry for the child but try not to judge - you don't know the parents' situation.
Most people love their children and are doing the best they can, even if it's a bit inadequate.

When a young child is very obese I think there must be a combination of poverty, ignorance, emotional or mental health needs etc at home. The family need more support and intervention from health and social services rather than judgement.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 07/02/2022 17:53

I have an overweight son, he is 5. He has a twin who is borderline underweight and small for his age. They have the exact same diet.

1winterblues · 07/02/2022 17:55

So as a obese mum I have always been worried about my children have a balanced and healthy diet and relationship with food. My daughter has always been bigger, wearing clothes sometimes 2 sizes bigger, but her brother is small for his age and so skinny.

As a family we don't do anything different with them both, but my son has a small appetite whilst my daughter is always hungry, always moving, dancing around the house, loves sport etc.

RealBecca · 07/02/2022 17:56

Stirring the pot here bit how many people who judge the parents also judge overweight adults?

SlashBeef · 07/02/2022 17:56

Yes I do. I don't understand why parents allow their kids to get obese. You're condemning them to a life of struggling with weight and they don't even have a choice in the matter. It is neglect and it should be taken far more seriously. A lot of parents I've met seem proud of their "big boned/strong" offspring too when it's patently obvious the child is just fat.

DreamTheMoors · 07/02/2022 17:56

Many years ago now, I was living in the family home out in the country.
The ranch had a farmhand, and my dad had just hired a new man. He and his family had just moved in to the little house behind mine, so I bought a lovely strawberry pie and took it over to say welcome.
The wife welcomed me in, and there sat at the table was her 5-yr-old granddaughter - extremely overweight, eating a plate piled high with chicken nuggets & chips, which granny called a “snack.” Granny was in the midst of preparing their supper.
The lady exclaimed excitedly, “Ooh look what the nice new neighbor has brought you!”
I felt so bad. I’ve welcomed many neighbors since then - always with flowers, never again with food.
I’ll never understand why people think food = love.
It’s a recipe for disaster for many folks, young and old.

Nandocushion · 07/02/2022 17:57

@Mojoj

Yes I do because, nine times out of ten, the parents are overweight too. They're adults - that's their choice to eat too much but their child has to rely on them for food so doesn't get to choose.
I'm afraid this is usually true and though I try to MYOB, I do too. Though I do less if I've seen the parents and they are a normal weight because then I assume there might be factors beyond their control - which is stupid, really.

I've known lots of slim kids who have shite diets and am judgy about that too. None of any of this affects me in any way so no reason to be.

Bananarice · 07/02/2022 17:58

Ds1 is like me. Inactivity leads to weight gain. Our bodies are very sensitive to exercise/ movements. He is not overweight but came close few time, during lockdown. He needs regular exercise more than portion control or special diets.

PugInTheHouse · 07/02/2022 17:58

A lot of children do even out once they hit puberty, particularly boys. My DS is on medication that potentially means he won't get quite as tall as he may have. He also has severe sensory issues also. We genuinely do our best but it will be a very slow process. Our hope is that we keep him fit and active and he will grow 5 or 6 inches (as DS1 did between 15 and 15) which will help him become a more normal weight.

okthx · 07/02/2022 17:59

I do and I don’t. I know how being an overweight child/teen negatively affects your life. I saw too many times when a very overweight child is been fed chocolate straight after the pick up at school and it makes me sad. They think it’s cute, I think it’s sad and unhealthy. But I’m aware that not every single thing is due to parenting, so try to stop my judgemental mind.

tootiredtospeak · 07/02/2022 17:59

It depends on the circumstances if their parents are also very overweight then yes I would as it's much more likely to be overeating than a disability. If the parents weren't then I probably wouldn't as much and would wonder if there was another cause of it.

Pumpkinstace · 07/02/2022 17:59

My daughter is in 99th centile for weight.

She is 127cm and weighs 38kg.

Her sister is 1st centile for weight.
I'm only 8st and 5ft 5 and a size 8. Her dad is the same height and 9st with a 30 inch waist.
My point is she very big but the rest of the family are tiny.

My daughter has a medical issue that is still being investigated but they have tested for all sorts including celiac disease and we still don't know why she is this way.

Breaks my heart to think you lot are judging her. Her peers don't seem to.