To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

If the whole family is overweight I just figure that for whatever reason they're not eating great. Or they're eating loads. Or both.

DD2 is definitely a different build to DD1, she's got no off switch especially when it comes to sugar and she's lazy. Hopefully we can try and mitigate these factors but I can see easily how one child ends up overweight and no-one is sure how it happened.

@DiddyHeck

I also wish people would stop blaming poverty, it's insulting. I grew up poor in a poverty stricken area and yet not a single member of my family, my extended family, the kids in my street or the kids at school were overweight. Sweets, crisps and fizzy drinks were a rare treat and a snack between meals was a piece of toast. Come to think of it, it was pretty rare to see an overweight adult too.

Statistically poverty and obesity are linked. The existence of "food deserts", for example.

I know a few teenagers who are overweight. They also have severe disabilities and often mental health issues as well and are on medications that cause weight gain. I would judge anyone who judged their parents.

@sadpapercourtesan

I don't, because a) it's none of my business, and b) there are so many reasons for obesity which are nobody's fault.

Even if it is a simple matter of overeating, it's still not helpful or appropriate to be judgemental about it, is it? Do you judge people with other eating disorders? People whose kids self-harm, or don't sleep, or any other disordered behaviour? Obesity is very visible, but it's no more simple than any other characteristic, nor is it automatically "the parents' fault". If you're silently judging someone else purely on the basis of a child's appearance, then you're probably an arsehole. I'd rather be fat, personally.

You said it so much better than I did. Agree 100%

[quote sadpapercourtesan]@Lexmitior what good did it do anyone, you judging her? Presumably she was struggling with her mental health, rather than actively wanting to destroy her daughter? It sounds like a heartbreaking situation for mother and daughter, both of whom should have had support.

But I'm sure you hoiking your bosom on the sidelines did lots of good.[/quote]
She was self obsessed and competitive with her daughter, and they spent time designing increasingly restrictive diets together. Two little skeletons. She had all the resources to address it, but remained totally self obsessed even when in therapy.

Her daughter eventually left her at 18 and no longer speaks to her.

@PaddleBoardingMomma

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

My DD is a little chubby but I'm keeping an eye on it and helping her grow into her weight; but yes there is a particularly big little girl in her year and a boy in a higher year and I do think, it's not fair. Some kids are just chubby, some have stocky frames and some are just a little overweight as they are fed a bit too much, but for a child to be huge by that age yes, I do think it's cruel.

I had weight issues growing up but I was also sport and (cringe) pretty and popular so it balanced out and my weight was rarely commented on even as a teenager. I wasn't humongous though around a size 14. And in my head I still really struggled with self image, flip flopping between confidence and extreme self consciousness. And that's just the emotional aspect, not even the physical/health size.

All I know though is that shame/negative reinforcement doesn't work and with kids because they are growing there is a lot of room for improvement. Sadly by the same token if someone is willing to feed their child to obesity by the time they are a handful of years old, I don't know if they are going to easily change their habits which have led to this :(

sporty*

@HugeAckmansWife

I will admit I did judge when I was in Greggs a while back. I took DD in there for a treat. She had a doughnut and a cup of water (she doesn't like juice, fizzy pop etc) The woman in front of me ordered 2 sausage rolls and 2 doughnuts each for her and her DD aged about 7, (the same age as mine) and full fat coke. Its just unnecessary. My kids absolutely do not have a great diet, lots of fishfingers, waffles, some kind of pudding after each meal, so I'm not preaching from a perfect place, but literally no-one needs two doughnuts one after the other and especially not a 7 yo (and yes both were v overweight).

How do you even get a 7 year old to eat that much though? Mine all take a few bites of a doughnut and leave the rest? This is what I don't understand, how are people getting their children to eat these enormous portion sizes in the first place.

If you judge people with fat children, you should be ashamed. My dd’s bff weighs twice what my dd weighs due to a brain tumour. Ok? Sorry about that.

Do you judge people for having a lack of education? Being poor? Being stressed? Nice world we live in. Fwiw both my children are enviably lean. Instead of hanging a gold medal round my neck, I’ll be thankful that they got good genes and are healthy.

It must be easy to judge when you have slim children yourselves!
I have 3 late teens/ young adult children. The 2 boys are slim and tall. DD is short and has always been solidly built. Now she is an adult she is overweight. She plays 2 sports competitively but she loves to eat. She has never struggled with friendships or sport.
I hate that she's big but don't appreciate being judged for it!

I don’t. And unless the whole family are obese, I don’t assume it is due to the parents.

I know someone with 4 children, 3 have never been overweight, one has always been overweight or obese. No health issues, just a couple of very bad influences in her childhood which fucked up her relationship with food, and her mother’s attempts to deal with it only made it worse.

I was a fat kid and tall and had glasses was perfect combination for low self esteem
I got to 18 and thought enough been a size 12/14 ever since
My mum was obese her whole life until surgery and is now fitter than me she was so aware of her weight her whole life yet she point blank refuses to see i was fat as a kid
I wouldnt feed my kids some of the shit we ate
Some people just dont see it

I do. My cousin has a very overweight child - she posted a pic of their 'Movie Day' last week.

Just the 2 of them (child is 9) and they had kebab, pizza, pop, 4 different sharebbags of sweets and 2 cheesecakes.

I'm greedy but if me and ds were having a similar day we'd share a pizza and 1 share bag of sweets.

You only have to look at some of the packed lunch threads on MN to see a lot of kids are overfed. When I was at school most of us brought a sandwich, an apple and a drink and then went out to play. Now some of the lunches look like they're fit for Henry VIII and that's after a 2 course breakfast.

@Slowfoxfast

How do you know they don't have a medical condition like Prader-Willi Syndrome, for example?

Statistical likelihood? There are far, far, far more obese children out there than there are medical conditions to account for them.

Making your child obese (which is what's happened to most obese children) is not good parenting. It's only 1 better than leaving them hungry. Shaming is unpleasant and useless but we dont need to be all accepting of it on a societal level either. It needs to be changed not normalised.

Yes I do. There's substantial evidence of the health issues linked to childhood obesity

@LexMitior

It is not okay to rely on your own dysfunctional attitude to food and pass it on to your children. I have met people who are either seriously underweight and overweight and they are harming their kids by not addressing it. In either case, actually shortening or limiting their prospects of a good healthy life. Its not wrong to judge it at all.#

There are plenty of parents who manage to ensure their kids have a healthy life who are overweight. I do not buy this argument that its difficult and passed on it. Its adults who don't address it.

I agree but I don't think parents universally pass on their dysfunction around food. I struggled with disordered eating at both ends of the spectrum at points in my life but I'm not unaware of health and nutrition, and my kids are all within range of a healthy weight. My boys are slim and full of vim and vigour, my girl is a little bit chubby it's true but she's lovely and active.

Their diets are I would say typical but on the verge of being above averagely healthy - lots of fresh ingredients, lots of home cooked meals, lots of fruit and dairy, but then also typical carbs.

Going off on a bit of a tangent here, but I notice the boys self regulate carbs really well, my 4 year old will frequently leave carby snacks but eat all the meat, cheese, yoghurt, fruit and veg that he likes on his plate. My girl is like me and favours the more stodgy stuff. Weird.

@Susiesue61

It must be easy to judge when you have slim children yourselves! I have 3 late teens/ young adult children. The 2 boys are slim and tall. DD is short and has always been solidly built. Now she is an adult she is overweight. She plays 2 sports competitively but she loves to eat. She has never struggled with friendships or sport. I hate that she's big but don't appreciate being judged for it!

What does 'solidly built' actually mean?

It's only 1 better than leaving them hungry

Oof I don't know about that.

i think folks are getting a bit sensitive on here....i dont know if some children have learning disability which leads to over eating or if they have a health related condition. My judgements are based on those DC where I know the parents and them and there are no other underlying issues

I judged the mum who made a fuss about the letter saying her 5 year old daughter was obese, which she turned around and said "I just don't see it."

Her daughter is huge. Like proper huge. Twice the size of the other girls huge. (Mum is also huge)

Apparently she can't be overweight because she's vegetarian.

(A vegetarian who eats A LOT of chocolate and doesn't do ANY exercise).

I'd barely register it, given about half of the young DC I see are overweight, even more in older age groups and teens, particular girls. And probably 80% of the mums too. Until 2 years ago I was one of them according to my BMI, but strangely regarded as 'slim' nonetheless, because now only obesity seems to be classed as overweight. (Which is probably helpful to that child OP, as what would have marked her out as a target for bullying is now much more likely to be the norm.) As a society we are overweight, and there are many reasons why that's the case, that go way beyond some young child's mother and the quality of her parenting. If the majority of grown adults can't manage their own weight, I'm not sure why we should particularly judge a mother who can't manage her child's.

Yes until I met a little girl who is obese, due to an underactive thyroid. She hardly ate any sugar/fat. She has a healthier diet than my children who are half her size, and has to excerise every evening.

Sorry yes I do. When there are 9 year old boys with bigger boobs than me, the parents are failing them.

@SilverDoe

It's only 1 better than leaving them hungry

Oof I don't know about that.

Why not though? Childhood obesity is dangerous. These are just some of the things it can cause...

High blood pressure and high cholesterol, which are risk factors for cardiovascular disease. Increased risk of impaired glucose tolerance, insulin resistance, and type 2 diabetes. Breathing problems, such as asthma and sleep apnea. Joint problems and musculoskeletal discomfort.