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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you judge the parents of overweight children

893 replies

PaddleBoardingMomma · 07/02/2022 17:24

At school pick up today I noticed a new girl in my daughters class was in the line waiting to be collected.

She is a very heavy set little girl, they are all in year 1, so still very young but this particular child looked far bigger and sadly really stood out. I found myself feeling so sad, wondering if she will settle in OK and then irrationally annoyed at her parents for putting her in that position.

I was quite a chubby child for some of my school years and recall the taunts vividly, it made my school experience pretty horrible so I think I have quite a skewed view on this in fairness, it hits a nerve.

I had a word with myself for being judgemental and not knowing the situation and I know it's non of my business, but I wondered if I'm just a horrible person or if anyone else feels a pang of sadness for these kids and (rightly or wrongly) finds themselves blaming/ judging the parents.

OP posts:
wanttomarryamillionaire · 07/02/2022 18:01

Yes I definitely do, its lazy parenting.

Blackmagicqueen · 07/02/2022 18:02

If parent/s are slim and just the child is overweight I would think there must be a medical issue. However if the whole family is obese, I would be thinking it is down to diet and then feel sad for the young child.

godmum56 · 07/02/2022 18:03

@Hospedia

No, I don't judge them because I have no idea what factors are behind it so its none if my business.

One of my DC was overweight due to issues related to their disability. The management plan for this was to maintain their weight as it was and they would grow into it - what is 95th centile for weight at 7yo is (approx) 75th centile at 8yo, and 50th centile at 9yo. Anyone judging would be quite welcome, in my opinion, to stick their head up their hoop.

I love this and totally agree with it....especially the head up the hoop bit.
Bywayofanupdate · 07/02/2022 18:03

I try not to, my nephew is overweight but comes from a very fit and healthy family. However, when you see whole families that are overweight and see what they eat, it's very hard not to judge.

Chichimcgee · 07/02/2022 18:03

I don’t judge as I’ve no idea of the circumstances, difficulties or whatever.

The parents I absolutely judge are the ones of this certain 6/7 year old who is really big. I judge because she’s always in TINY clothing. Her school polo shirt doesn’t cover her belly, it’s so tight and her belly hangs out and I just think it’s cruel to be honest. The school have a uniform bank so no need for her to look like that.

Hankunamatata · 07/02/2022 18:03

Yes I do. I have an acquaintance with a slim child and an overweight child, differences sexes. She says it not her feeding as she has a slim child but the slim child tends to eat smaller meals, doesnt really snack and is incredibly active. The overweight child has been constantly given with sweets from young age to entertain her - talking whole share bag sweets while we took older kids to activities. They then eat huge adult size meals with desserts then sweets all evening.

PugInTheHouse · 07/02/2022 18:04

It's so difficult isn't it pumpkinstance. Luckily DSs friends are absolutely lovely, they adore DS. His best friend is 6ft and so skinny it's ridiculous with DS at 5ft 4 and 2 stone overweight. They are a lovely pair!

Theworldisquiethere · 07/02/2022 18:04

depends on the situation. one large child in a slim family I wouldn't, the mum I see on the school run with four very overweight children I do judge a bit

DiddyHeck · 07/02/2022 18:04

Yes I do because it's neglect.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/02/2022 18:04

Yes I do. There is an overweight child in DSs class.
Every day when he gets picked up from school his DM has a backpack full of food including 2 sausage rolls from Gregg's and this kid will usually polish these off before they've even left the school grounds. Everywhere they go he won't go longer than 15 mins without eating something. I definitely judge the parents as this is learned behaviour.

GreenWheat · 07/02/2022 18:05

Yes, I do judge, albeit silently. Most overweight children are overweight because they eat too much sugar laden food and don't exercise enough. I think it is really sad to see a six year old laying down belly flab.

Satingreenshutters · 07/02/2022 18:06

The VAST majority of kids will NOT have a medical issue but a small amount will. The VAST majority of overweight kids will have overweight parents. The VAST majority of parents of overweight kids will say their kids eat healthily but they are "big boned" have "puppy fat" or it's in their "genes". They blame everyone but themselves yet THEY make the dinners and THEY do the shopping and THEY buy the crap.
There are SO many fat kids than there was years ago and it all boils down to poor diets, fussy eaters, parents giving in, lack of education and in a lot of cases, poverty.
I do however think that there are a lot over overweight kids with mental health issues which sees them finding solace in food and that can be a really hard one to combat. I do think there needs to be more support for parents who are struggling with this because it is such a huge problem and when a child literally refuses to eat anything but crap, it must wear you down.

germsandcoffee · 07/02/2022 18:07

No because my child is the other way and very underweight.
She has food sensory issues that people don't know about but the amount of parents who make comments in the playground piss me off daily!
I'd love my child to eat a meal with the family because she's only young but it won't be long before she understands what her classmates parents are saying about her 😩.
Her friends and school peers never comment because kids are much more accepting of differences.

grey12 · 07/02/2022 18:07

It crosses my mind but I try to remember that it could be due to a health issue

I remember reading that the first tought is what you grew up with and the second thought is how you want to be Wink

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 07/02/2022 18:07

No. I try not to judge too harshly as I just don't know if there are any hidden disabilities that could be causing the issue. I find it harder if it's in a supermarket and you see the contents of the trolley. But again, you don't know the situation based on that glimpse.

It is worrying though

Chasingaftermidnight · 07/02/2022 18:07

I probably would have done at one point but I don’t since having my own children. My son’s two and a half, he’s on the 99th centile for weight and has been since he was 6 weeks old. He eats a healthy diet, his father and I are slim and he walked about 4 miles yesterday (including climbing a steep hill). Now I just think people are all different.

sweetbellyhigh · 07/02/2022 18:07

@Ozanj

I work in childcare and take notice when a 2-3 year old with short / average sized parents suddenly reaches 90+ centile in height. Height gain is the precurser to weight gain in obesity but parents are usually far too proud of it to take me seriously and then when that child becomes obese at 6-7 it becomes much harder to control.
What is your role?
CandyLeBonBon · 07/02/2022 18:08

What is the point of judging this child op? Will your judgement instantly cause the child's weight to settle at a healthier level? Will your judgment improve anything about that child's life?

Because if not, then your judgement is a pointless, spiteful exercise in simply feeling morally superior. Who does it serve?

Thatoldgumtree · 07/02/2022 18:08

Yes I do, as I judge any other type of neglectful parenting

booplefloof · 07/02/2022 18:09

I only judge one set of parents who of an obese 10 year old in my class and sibling in the next class. These kids live for screen time, films and gaming, esp VR. During lockdown it was insane. The parents resist all attempts for us to ask them to reduce screen time (as the kids walk the dog, so they are exercising). They are not a family suffering from financial difficulties, I teach in a private school and they have the latest and best of everything. Mum has a very high up position and works a lot of hours. Father is a chef so unsociable hours. They admit that the screens are their babysitters while they focus on work.

They also often turn up with dirty overgrown nails, unbrushed teeth and ill fitting clothes.

It's pure neglect. The screen damage is visible and the impact it has on their lives is so so so sad. They can't play games, have very little concentration and whilst they are polite, they are loud and disruptive.

I am overweight so I am not without sympathy or understanding. I usually try to MMOB, but this is the worst I have ever seen.

KatyAnna · 07/02/2022 18:09

I have one daughter who is petite and can eat as much as she likes and not gain weight and one son who has always been on the heavy side. He puts on weight very easily. My parenting of both is the same.
If anything my son does more sport and activities than my daughter does and I make sure he does an hour at least every day as this is what the dietician recommended.
I cook from scratch etc. I am not overweight.
Maybe I am a shit parent but having been to the GP, a paediatrician, two sets of healthy eating/lifestyle classes, and a dietician, I would really like someone to tell me what exactly I am doing wrong because none of the above seem to be able to tell me.
But yes, judge away. Very glad his friends don’t seem to!

LexMitior · 07/02/2022 18:10

Only if the parents are overweight also- then you know the source of the problem is them. If they can't manage their own eating and fail to do the same for the child, its pretty unfair to imagine the child will all by themselves.

DiddyHeck · 07/02/2022 18:11

@GreenWheat

Yes, I do judge, albeit silently. Most overweight children are overweight because they eat too much sugar laden food and don't exercise enough. I think it is really sad to see a six year old laying down belly flab.
This is true imo. So often parents will not leave the house without snacks in their bags 'just in case', and you still often read on MN people advising 'take plenty of snacks to keep them occupied' if an OP has an appointment and has to take the DC. Some kids can't even make it home without the daily snack their parents bring to meet them at the school gate.
sweetbellyhigh · 07/02/2022 18:11

I popped some of my 14yo's clothes onto a giveaway site the other day and received a message from a woman wanting them for her 7yo. She said he was adult size around the waist but too short for adult clothes.

I was trying to imagine what he looked like but mostly I thought it sounded incredibly unfortunate and difficult. When it's hard to find clothes to fit a 7yo you just know the rest of their life is going to be tough.

hugr · 07/02/2022 18:11

@LexMitior

Only if the parents are overweight also- then you know the source of the problem is them. If they can't manage their own eating and fail to do the same for the child, its pretty unfair to imagine the child will all by themselves.
Maybe they were the children of obese parents?
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