Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if some women possess super powers that I have not been given?

166 replies

Notagoodtime · 07/02/2022 09:04

I have to 2 school age children and work p/t. My house is not the tidiest, I always seem to struggling to keep everything up together and never seem to have the energy to do much exercise. My daughter had become friends with a new girl in her class. Her mum has 3 children, works full time and runs ultra marathons. My dd went for a play date at the weekend and the house was beautiful and the children and lovely and well behaved.Anyone know how to get these super powers? How the hell do some women seem to achieve so much?

OP posts:
endofagain · 07/02/2022 09:06

She has lots of money to pay other people to clean/ tidy.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 07/02/2022 09:06

What does the child's father do?

endofagain · 07/02/2022 09:06

Possibly employs a nanny.

sleepymum50 · 07/02/2022 09:07

I think some women just have lots of energy. I’m sadly lacking, but would give anything for that.

SmolCat · 07/02/2022 09:08

Some people have more money, help and better health (physical and mental) than others. I guess if you were lucky enough to get all of those then that would be considered a sort of superpower!

endofagain · 07/02/2022 09:10

My husband used to tell me repeatedly that his colleague managed her job and family perfectly. She earned 4 times as much as me and had a live in nanny and a cleaner. Her husband worked a reliable 9 to 5 job. My dh worked around 80 hours a week with very unreliable shift patterns.

Wasitworthita · 07/02/2022 09:10

I am friends with a few and I know the secret- have energetic, motivated parents who make you exercise, study and eat in moderation as a child. The habit becomes ingrained and continues through adulthood. I realise this might not be much help but it’s the one common denominator. Other than that, set your alarm, write a big list every day, reward yourself for getting things done and multitask.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 07/02/2022 09:11

How awful that the assumption is her husband must earn enough to buy in help or she employs someone else! So quick to knock other women. Why can't it just be that she's organised, motivated and energetic?
Ask her OP that's the only way you'll know.

minipie · 07/02/2022 09:16
  1. Some people have more energy and better health
  2. Some people have more help (family or paid)
  3. Some people have naturally easier children

When you have one of these you’re more likely to have the others as it’s a virtuous circle - eg your children were easy and slept well, so you had more time and energy to exercise and eat healthy food, so you have more energy for work, so you earn more, so you can afford help, so you have more time and energy for good parenting, so your children are well behaved and easy… etc

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 07/02/2022 09:16

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

How awful that the assumption is her husband must earn enough to buy in help or she employs someone else! So quick to knock other women. Why can't it just be that she's organised, motivated and energetic? Ask her OP that's the only way you'll know.
On the contrary... I was wondering if the father was actually a SAHD and the house was his doing. Not knocking the wife... but men are more than capable of looking after the house and children while the wife pursues a career.
ambushedbywine · 07/02/2022 09:17

Probably more money and family help of some kind.

I’ve learnt over the years that some people seeming to be perfectly together effortlessly won’t tell you that actually her mum/sister/nanny has the kids whilst she is exercising or that she has a cleaner three times a week.

None of those things are wrong at all, it’s fantastic! Its just a shame women feel they can’t admit them publicly for fear of jealous/comments.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2022 09:18

I find the key issue is more much of the physical and mental load their partner takes.

Kennykenkencat · 07/02/2022 09:18

I was exactly the same and for me it was a combination of realising that there were 2 reasons my house was a tip and theirs wasn’t and how they did so much more than me

Firstly they worked f/t and so everyone was out of the house all day so the cleaner could come in twice per week and clean it.

And secondly, I found out at the grand old age of 60 that I have adhd. I think really really badly because 70mg of Elvanse (speed) and some top ups of other Amphetamines throughout the day just make me feel like unloading and loading the dishwasher.

ChicCroissant · 07/02/2022 09:19

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

How awful that the assumption is her husband must earn enough to buy in help or she employs someone else! So quick to knock other women. Why can't it just be that she's organised, motivated and energetic? Ask her OP that's the only way you'll know.
Ultra marathons require a lot of training time, which on top of full time work would certainly take some organising, OP. She may have help or she may have refined her life to cope with her schedule.

Jurgens, MNetters quite often think that money is the solution to every problem and not just help in the house - when you see the posts about how does someone look pulled together/classy/elegant money gets mentioned there as well! Sometimes it is just time and effort from a capable woman and they should absolutely get the credit for it.

FloraPotts · 07/02/2022 09:26

I don't think this is all about money. On reflection I think a lot of this depends on yes, money, but also, what you were used to as a child and the energy levels in your childhood home, and also your current family dynamics.

I am "low energy" I think compared to my friends, and although my parents both worked hard, they were quite perfectionist about things at home, but didn't have much energy for anything else. They weren't very spontaneous and that is the rhythm and pace of life that I was used to, even though I very much took it up a notch in my 20s, 30s and 40s, I have now reverted back a bit!

Money helps of course if you can afford cleaners, baby-sitters, sports coaching for the DC or whatever, leaving time and energy for other things. But in my limited experience, those things also create a bit of work too!

And it also depends upon how supportive your partner is, or not, how much they contribute to daily life, how independent and dynamic they are and whether you gel together as a couple or pull together or against one another. And your physical and mental energy plays a part in all of this too and whether your dc have SN or not of course.

Poptart4 · 07/02/2022 09:26

I find it weird that most people on this thread are assuming she has help. Paid or otherwise.

I used to be like you OP, struggling to keep up with everything. But over time I became more organised and now i am like the woman your talking about. The thing is once you get on top of the cleaning, all you have to do is keep on top of it. It's not like I'm scrubbing every day.

Also just because her house was clean and tidy the day you were there, doesn't mean it's immaculate all if the time. I'm sure she has her messy days too.

Notlostjustexploring · 07/02/2022 09:30

I think it can usually be one of the following:

They just need less sleep
They have extremely well behaved and low maintenance kids (I think this is the important one)
They like their job, so they come home and are full of energy.
They don't watch TV or spend time on screens.
They don't have health struggles, like anaemia, depression, ADHD etc.
They may have lots of family help.

Or, it can be a front. If I'm hosting a playdate or coffee etc for a new acquaintance, my house is immaculate. And I have hobbies and a responsible full time job and probably made a cake. Scratch the surface and you'll see the upstairs of the house is in chaos, the kids were on screens while I spend the 3 hours before people turned up panic cleaning and I permanently feel like I'm drowning.

Although some people genuinely are impressive and have superpowers.

honeylulu · 07/02/2022 09:33

It will never be as perfect as it seems. I have a seemingly "have it all" lifestyle and my outward persona is calm and serene. But inside I'm a hot mess with serious imposter syndrome!

OlympicProcrastinator · 07/02/2022 09:37

I don’t do ultra marathons but I do have 4 kids and a spotless house and work full time. I actually don’t understand how things get messy or dirty. I just put things away in their place as soon as I’ve finished using them or wipe away dirt when I see it or spray the bathroom and wipe when I’ve got a spare 10 mins. It’s something I’ve done since I was a teen as my parents were the same so I don’t know any other way and it’s just completely natural to me. Husband is the same which helps although he works away the majority of the time. I posted because I really don’t like the idea that people can’t possibly have a very clean and tidy home without paying for it. No way could we afford that.

Can’t answer about the kids though, two were born really well behaved and two are utter terrors. Definitely not got parenting sussed.

I do exercise daily but only for 7 minutes as I do that Lucy Whyman Read 7 minute daily workout as it’s all I can realistically stick to. I do it in my p.is in the dark before I do anything else it sets me up for the day.

vivainsomnia · 07/02/2022 09:37

She has lots of money to pay other people to clean/ tidy
Typical this would be the first assumption! Maybe she is just full on all the time, dors t waste time on the internet, super organised, in bed at 10pm, up at 6am. Still up at 7am at weekends.

Glitterygreen · 07/02/2022 09:51

My boss works full-time in a stressful job, has a 4yo and does trail running and has previously done ultra-marathons.

I have no idea what her house looks like but re the rest, she is just one of those people who needs exercise and time alone to relax and unwind.

While I'd rather go out for dinner or sit and watch a favourite show, she'd rather get up at 5am to get in a long run before starting her day. Just one of those things I think.

Kennykenkencat · 07/02/2022 09:52

@OlympicProcrastinator

I don’t do ultra marathons but I do have 4 kids and a spotless house and work full time. I actually don’t understand how things get messy or dirty. I just put things away in their place as soon as I’ve finished using them or wipe away dirt when I see it or spray the bathroom and wipe when I’ve got a spare 10 mins. It’s something I’ve done since I was a teen as my parents were the same so I don’t know any other way and it’s just completely natural to me. Husband is the same which helps although he works away the majority of the time. I posted because I really don’t like the idea that people can’t possibly have a very clean and tidy home without paying for it. No way could we afford that.

Can’t answer about the kids though, two were born really well behaved and two are utter terrors. Definitely not got parenting sussed.

I do exercise daily but only for 7 minutes as I do that Lucy Whyman Read 7 minute daily workout as it’s all I can realistically stick to. I do it in my p.is in the dark before I do anything else it sets me up for the day.

Maybe your house stays clean because no one is at home.
Gonnagetgoing · 07/02/2022 09:53

Snap shot of SIL (DB's DW) - she has a small flat, one child and a currently SAHD husband who cleans for her. The child is generally well-behaved but does have his 'threenager' moments.

Her DB and his DW have 2 under 5 and live in a small cottage, with DB who WFH as well as commutes for work a few times a month. Her DM helps with childcare (not a huge amount) but DW walks to work (30 mins?). They both help with housework and kids are well behaved as the DD is an angel (very well behaved) but her DB (younger) is a cheeky monkey! I think if they were still living in London things might be a bit more chaotic with getting tube etc.

Scrambledbeans · 07/02/2022 09:54

People often comment that I seem to be ‘having it all’ much like the lady you described in your op. We have 4 kids, I work FT in a role with lots of responsibility, we host a lot and house is normally relatively tidy…

I am always upfront with people when they make this comment that I can only do it with a lot of help. I have a very supportive family who live locally so there is always someone who can take the kids so we can have a break. We have a cleaner twice a week. My husband does 50/50 of parenting and housework, and sometimes more when I have a stressful period at work. We have an aupair to help with the kids.

That said I do think that expectations of energy levels is something you inherit from your parents. My parents are very high energy and did endless activities with us as children- we were always off out doing something. DH’s parents were the complete opposite and they spent lots of time at home entertaining themselves. We we first had kids we definitely struggled to find a balance that suited us and he finds a fast paced lifestyle harder so we compromise.

Additionally underneath it all, like another poster I have terrible imposter syndrome and high functioning anxiety which is probably driving the whole machine. I’m taking time to work on it now and it’s hard.

Phrenologistsfinger · 07/02/2022 09:55

She has more spoons - more energy, more executive function. I lack both these things and now I know it is because I have ADHD, I am lacking dopamine, not moral fibre.