To wonder if some women possess super powers that I have not been given?

[Notagoodtime]

I have to 2 school age children and work p/t. My house is not the tidiest, I always seem to struggling to keep everything up together and never seem to have the energy to do much exercise. My daughter had become friends with a new girl in her class. Her mum has 3 children, works full time and runs ultra marathons. My dd went for a play date at the weekend and the house was beautiful and the children and lovely and well behaved.Anyone know how to get these super powers? How the hell do some women seem to achieve so much?

My SIL is highly strung and always on the go; she thrives on little sleep and achieving a lot. I’m “anything for a quiet life” therefore I sling my child in my bed rather than persuading her to stay in her cot, I allow cereal in front of TV then wonder why my sofa is covered in yoghurt, etc; she sleep trained and has a lot of rules. Also a cleaner! And a very organised, energetic partner with a lot of free time (freelance), vs mine who pulls his weight but also has ADHD (added mess and chaos) and works v long hours.

I think it’s just different temperaments, different children, different priorities, different circumstances. A thousand variables!

No idea op. It’s something I used to worry about and it used to make me feel down.

Since I suffered a huge bereavement last year I don’t really care as much. I am yet again a single parent with no help, no money, no dishwasher (council) and I work ft and have 4dc, 2 adults though.

My house is messy, my dc do help but it’s as much as I can do to make sure we have clean clothes and we are fed everyday. Housework can wait until the weekend. I try and wash up and clean the kitchen every evening but the rest can stuff it. I am exhausted and anaemic and now have cardiomyopathy to top it all.

I’m guessing your friends have a good husband/dp,, she has tons of energy and probably gets up at 4am to clean her house if she doesn’t have outside help. I’ve got friends like this and that’s what they do. And have
Doting grandparents who have the kids a lot. Also no clutter in the house

She might not be coping as well as you think she is. I've had lots of people comment about how I have so much energy, always have a clean house etc but really I'm a functioning alcoholic, a bulimic and an opiate addict. I also have a lot of help from my Mum and DD is a good sleeper once we actually get her into bed.

Energy.
It's a wonderful gift to nurture if you or your kids have it.
It's not a male or female thing: my DH has it, a few of his female family members too.
He is tremendously physically resilient.
Can you tell I'm envious?!
I have learned to focus on slow and steady habits. I can't pull off stuff just by energy and will. I will end up slumped on the floor exhausted. Then I will catch a virus.

Some people are busy and busy and wouldn't dream of spending time on mumsnet.
I know a couple like this. During lockdowns (they both work) they posted photos on Facebook of the amazing projects they were doing with their kids. They have a clean house, cook healthy vegan meals, and volunteer. No they don't have a cleaner, gardener or a nanny. They just never sit down for long and seem to genuinely enjoy what they do. The mum especially is like a kinder Mary Poppins. And they have various pets. I feel incredibly lazy around them.

Of course the couple I know, they are both busy doing things. It is not the mum trying to do everything.

I think it is energy and temperament. I have an underactive thyroid and am quite low energy. I also have dyspraxia so do struggle a bit with executive functioning.

Well some do have help, but all things being equal, some people will prioritise cleaning, tidying, grooming, fitness or whatever over other things, and other people prioritise different things. My house has never been immaculate because I use the time I could be tidying it on doing other things, whereas my friend who's house is lovely, gets up early to clean before work.

I am like you OP. I don't run at all now but I would say that when I trained for a marathon, I was probably more motivated as a result. My mental health was stronger, motivation better, generally less of the can't be bothered feeling I have now.

Blimey, lots of self realization going on here... I must dust off my trainers. If I could only be bothered.

I know someone like this. She works, has 2 DC , her house is like a showhome and she's always immaculate. The truth is that she never sits down relaxes, she's mopping the kitchen floor at 6am! I envy her but I'm just not that way inclined.

Ask yourself honestly how do you prioritise your time? If you have 30 mins to spend on the internet could you tidy instead? Do an exercise class online? Etc etc

I have one child - I've been told she is easy, she is, but I've worked hard to get to this. Strict about routine and expected behaviour for example. She is neuro typical and no disabilities so can't compare with those who do have this to work with.

I'm exceptionally organised with reminders on my phone for everything. I have no paid help in the house. I work 30 hours, husband - full time with standby rota. Husband is helpful - will do bins, dishwasher, bathtime/bedtime, hoover etc do workload shared to an extent

I clean as I go, I tidy as I go. If I boil the kettle for a cup of tea a wash goes on while I wait for example.

Exercise is done via online classes by getting up 30mins earlier than the rest of the house.

My neighbour doesn't work, has 2 at school/preschool and small baby at home, I can hear her playing her piano most days for long periods of time yet when she talks at school pick up she moans about not having any clean clothes, the house is a mess etc I bite my tongue not to point out that she could decide to spend less time playing her piano and more getting stuff done. Obviously her piano practise is important to her but realise that's why nothing else gets done.

It's not always about other people having it easy - they work hard they just prioritise what's important.

Decide what is important to you and do it.

Thanks @rhowton.

DTwins are playing nicely and I'm sat on my ass but I'm shattered, was awake twice in the night with them. I F if I tidy anything up, it just gets messy again. We have too many toys but don't know how to reduce them. I feel like I'm always losing in the endless cycle because I'm so tired

My friend is the same. She runs her own very busy business, has an immaculate home (no cleaner), her two girls are highly educated with impeccable manners (they go to the same school as my DC), she even gets up early and bakes and cooks all the meals from scratch.

Supportive partner/family and a preference for being active. I'd rather clean with music than watch telly so consequently my house is really clean. Partner loves a tidy home so does a lot of tidying. Partner likes indoor activities so is in the house when I go out to exercise. I dobt letmyself sot down after collecting kids otherwise I wouldn't get up again and get out to gym etc.

It's not down to money at all. My house is tidy and clean most of the time, I work more than full time, I go choir practices and performances every week, DS and DH have their hobbies, I run, I see my friends. We're not rich by any stretch, can't afford a cleaner anymore (did have one for six months but had to stop) but we do split house stuff between us so it doesn't all fall on me. I am super organised and DS has been brought up to pitch in from toddler age when he used to help pair up socks.
If no one else in household is helping run it then they need to be told. Don't be a martyr and then complain you have no time for yourself.

I have come to the conclusion that some of it is metabolism. I had an overactive thyroid which was awful - I was constantly hungry, twitchy, lost weight etc. Obviously had medication which then made me tired and sluggish and fat, now have thyroid in the middle approx and am in the middle. But it made me realise how big the normal range is - some people must have thyroid levels that are the high end of normal and those people will have more energy

Well, she must have some support, because she can't be leaving the children home alone.

I am a single parent and work full time. Only now that I can leave him alone (he's 12) can I do anything outside the home w/o having to organise sitters or whatever.

Exercise gives you more energy

I don’t see the point in comparing myself.

I’m a single parent to 3DC.

I work/study full time, DCs are in wrap around care full time, I also study well into the night most nights.

I have a cleaner.

My house is not tidy.

I have ADHD which doesn’t help.

I can’t go for runs or to the gym or do anything fun for myself due to no family members nearby, can’t afford babysitters.

DD2 has a lot of appointments, is under CAMHS and is Autistic and also has ADHD.

It pisses me off that ExP is a useless arse, and that I miss out on a lot as he only bothers with them 2 nights a month, it pisses me off that I have no family nearby to help out, etc etc. If I think about it too much I’d end up a bitter mess and I won’t let them happen to me.

Instead I focus on what I can do, what I do do.

I know someone like this but she never just sits down and watches tv etc she is constantly cleaning etc . Not in an ocd way just doing everything thats needs doing that I would just let slip for a day or so

Most people I know who seem to have this flawless life do have certain privileges that help them:

• working full time means people aren't in the house to mess it up
• likely have a cleaner
• likely have more energy when with the kids bc they aren't burnt out from having them at home full time
• naturally high energy

But not everybody has these things and everyone can do things to improve themselves and how they manage their life. I listened to a podcast about this and said that it's all about forming good habits and some people are really good at this and others are not. Once helpful behaviours are a habit then they don't seem like work and are as simply part of your day that you don't have to think about or try hard. It's much more difficult if every task in the day from tidying to exercising feels like a great effort.

I think priorities contribute as well, if her priorities include running and cleaning she will find time for them.
Personally I’d rather watch Netflix and eat biscuits

DH and I both hate living in a mess and we both chip in/do our bit, so it's easier for me as I am only 50% responsible for the household and we both tend to tidy as we go. Only 1 DC and both work FT. Cleaning and tidying is not something I ever have to set time aside to do - it just sort of gets done here and there in bits.

if they work f/t they are not in the house to mess it up
some people are just tidier by nature
some people have more money for cleaners and "help" sometimes more than once a week
some people have houses that have more storage options to tidy away stuff eg utility room spare bedroom expensive storage solutions etc
some people have family help to take the kids

btw i know someone very much like that and i do wonder how she does it - tbf she is v energetic and focused but she is also loaded pays for cleaners etc has a house which is large with extra bedrooms and expensive built in storage and her husband and family is sympathetic to having her kids if she wishes to do any of the many activities/weekends away she seems to manage

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

How awful that the assumption is her husband must earn enough to buy in help or she employs someone else! So quick to knock other women. Why can't it just be that she's organised, motivated and energetic? Ask her OP that's the only way you'll know.

Absolutely this. What a sad set of responses in this thread.

Truth is some people can handle a lot more. Everyone has areas they excel in and others they don't. But to diminish one's achievements in this way is horrible. Women are often other women's worst enemy.