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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my three year old awful?

158 replies

buttercrinkle · 06/02/2022 20:57

DS turned 3 in October. I have a partner of a year who works away but stays with us at the weekends and during his annual leave. He has no children and no children in his life like cousins etc.

DP constantly gives me unsolicited parenting advice: why haven't you done this? Why don't you do this? You should do that! There's no way you're doing that?

Tonight, he has said that I am too soft as a parent and that my son would benefit from more strict parenting. He said that he thinks my son is on the worse side of three year olds in terms of behaviour.

For example, DS didn't like the duvet he had on his bed and asked for it to be swapped to another one that he had in his wardrobe. For me, that's no problem. But DP said that if it was his child, he would say either use the duvet that's on the bed or go cold.

I also give him a degree of choice in what he has to eat, instead of giving him a meal whether he likes it or not. And I don't force him to finish his food if he doesn't like it/has had enough. I guess I would say I am a chilled parent, but with clear boundaries and I definitely wouldn't say I follow the very gentle parenting technique.

He is not a bad kid. His speech is very good so he can be cheeky/back chat. I sometimes get "you're naughty" or "I'm going to break x" when he's upset because he's been told off. There are clear boundaries in place and he knows them, there are consequences when he pushes those boundaries. He is cuddly, kind, polite, helpful, empathetic.

But can be high energy and doesn't like to do what he's told a lot of the time e.g. tidy up his toys.

There was an incident where DS did a wee on the floor on purpose during a huge tantrum, he can occasionally struggle to regulate his emotions so will act out like that. It's very rare something like that happens. DP said it was outrageous and that I didn't punish him enough.

I feel like I'm constantly judged by DP on my parenting and like I'm walking on egg shells. His comments tonight, along with everything else have really really pissed me off.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Beamur · 06/02/2022 21:00

You and your BF are not on the same page with regards to parenting.
I think both you and DS would be happier without this man around.

Wolfiefan · 06/02/2022 21:01

All three year olds can be awful! Because they’re three! They haven’t learnt to express everything they feel verbally. They struggle to cope with strong emotions. It’s normal.
You’re the parent. He’s visiting. He doesn’t get to tell you how to do it. He needs to be quiet or stay away

Original poster
buttercrinkle · 06/02/2022 21:02

Thank you. At the end of the argument he said that he won't say anything in relation to my parents again. But I feel like the damage has been done.

OP posts:
HardbackWriter · 06/02/2022 21:02

Please get rid of this man. The fact he's managing to make you doubt both yourself and your tiny child like this is so sad.

JustBlethering · 06/02/2022 21:02

He sounds like a typical 3yo.

This man will never love your child. I'd get rid.

Concestor · 06/02/2022 21:04

@Beamur

You and your BF are not on the same page with regards to parenting. I think both you and DS would be happier without this man around.
This. He not only has no idea but thinks he can tell you how to parent your own child despite not even living with you. He needs to stop and learn about gentle parenting (which it sounds like is your parenting style) or ship out.
Blueeilidh · 06/02/2022 21:04

I don't think I'd be staying with a partner like this. Three year olds test boundaries, you pick your battles. If you are happy with your parenting decisions, don't be swayed by someone who thinks they know better but is speaking through inexperience.

RosaBaby2 · 06/02/2022 21:04

Your 3 year old is normal and you are doing just fine.

Zapx · 06/02/2022 21:05

Sounds like almost every three year old that has ever existed to me! Does he like children generally?

WulyJmpr · 06/02/2022 21:06

He doesn't understand normal child development so is in no position to pass comment let alone attempts at advice.

He sounds like a drainer too.

amoobaa · 06/02/2022 21:06

God no, you are not being unreasonable at all.
I wouldn’t want someone with that attitude to be involved in any of my parenting decisions.

Sounds like you are doing an excellent job and don’t need any of this unnecessary and unhelpful advice.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this Flowers

GeraneousGiraffe · 06/02/2022 21:07

Sounds like my three year old. . who admittedly is pretty awful at times but I believe they all are. Go to bed cold?! What a weird thing to take a stand on.

myyellowcar · 06/02/2022 21:08

He doesn’t know what he is talking about. He is not a parent and has no experience of children.

There is something I find really galling about this, that he thinks he knows better than you. He has no knowledge and no experience and yet he is so confident that he is right that he is challenging your parenting?

It’d be a hard no for me. Your child’s behaviour is irrelevant. This man doesn’t get a say in how you care for your child.

ShirleyPhallus · 06/02/2022 21:10

Unsolicited advice is the worst, let alone from someone who doesn’t have children!

He would leave a 3 year old to be cold and go to sleep? Cruel. You and your child deserve better

liveforsummer · 06/02/2022 21:10

He's 3, yes it was outrageous but 3 year olds are often outrageous. They are awful often too but as you say lots of good bits too that take over when you parent as you say and provide clear boundaries while at the same time licking your battles. If you don't mind changing the duvet then what's the problem?! If you did minds then you'd put your foot down. I don't think your dp has a clue. He doesn't have dc himself so looking through those rose tinted glasses we probably all had before the toddlers came and smashed them to bits 😆. Only you can do side where to go from here but I can assure you your 3 year old isn't the problem

imjusthavingaworrytime · 06/02/2022 21:10

Leave. He will always criticise your son. You can't let that happen. Leave him.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/02/2022 21:10

It's hard to say without the specifics of what your child is doing or what your partner is saying.

But most child physiologist agree never to make a big deal of any tilting related incidents and all health professionals agree you should never try and make a child finish what's on your plate.

Unless your bf is a child development professional, I'd say its unlikely he knows wtf he is talking about and should stfu

busyeatingbiscuits · 06/02/2022 21:11

Everyone's a perfect parent before they have children!

Get rid of this man.

HotPenguin · 06/02/2022 21:11

Your son sounds lovely and you sound like a great mum. Your DP doesn't know what he's talking about. If he asked you to change his duvet nicely then why wouldn't you? If he screamed at you then no I probably wouldn't but I think it's good to teach them that asking nicely gets results.

myyellowcar · 06/02/2022 21:12

I also think the duvet thing is cruel. If you are happy to make a simple change, why on earth does he think that should descend into a situation where a 3 year old is going to bed with no means to keep warm? What is that teaching a child? Watch him carefully OP if you continue this relationship.

OooohBabyBaby · 06/02/2022 21:13

Get rid, he sounds horrid
Imagine if it was his dc you’d just argue constantly
A year in shouldn’t be like this, don’t wast another year

Stompythedinosaur · 06/02/2022 21:13

I wouldn't want someone in favour of very harsh parenting around a small dc.

The duvet example is bizarre - why wouldn't you agree to this small and easy request? The only reason I can see is wanting to get a kick out of exerting power over a tiny child. He doesn't sound nice at all.

Your ds sounds completely normal and you sound like a normal and balanced parent!

unsalted · 06/02/2022 21:14

I would accept the blanket thing and most of the things. Not sure about the back chat, guess it depends how prevalent it was? But then, I'm a teacher of older children (7-8) but not a parent, so make of that what you will.

I think you're fine OP. Sounds like it's his expectations that are the problem. Your child is still so young

LlamaLucy · 06/02/2022 21:14

Your DS sounds like a lovely little boy, and you treat him like a human, giving him the opportunity to develop decision making skills (the duvet, the choice of food). I don’t personally think it’s right to aggravate an already emotional situation (weeing during tantrum), surely you’re best of trying to ‘share your calmness’ with him, than pour fuel on the fire. I’m with you 100%

FlyingPandas · 06/02/2022 21:14

He has no children, no children in his life and presumably no experience of ever working with children.

And yet he feels qualified to make you feel like you’re doing a bad job of parenting a child?

That tells you all you need to know OP.

Your 3yo sounds fine. Your partner does not. I’d be making moves to end this relationship if I were you.