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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my three year old awful?

158 replies

buttercrinkle · 06/02/2022 20:57

DS turned 3 in October. I have a partner of a year who works away but stays with us at the weekends and during his annual leave. He has no children and no children in his life like cousins etc.

DP constantly gives me unsolicited parenting advice: why haven't you done this? Why don't you do this? You should do that! There's no way you're doing that?

Tonight, he has said that I am too soft as a parent and that my son would benefit from more strict parenting. He said that he thinks my son is on the worse side of three year olds in terms of behaviour.

For example, DS didn't like the duvet he had on his bed and asked for it to be swapped to another one that he had in his wardrobe. For me, that's no problem. But DP said that if it was his child, he would say either use the duvet that's on the bed or go cold.

I also give him a degree of choice in what he has to eat, instead of giving him a meal whether he likes it or not. And I don't force him to finish his food if he doesn't like it/has had enough. I guess I would say I am a chilled parent, but with clear boundaries and I definitely wouldn't say I follow the very gentle parenting technique.

He is not a bad kid. His speech is very good so he can be cheeky/back chat. I sometimes get "you're naughty" or "I'm going to break x" when he's upset because he's been told off. There are clear boundaries in place and he knows them, there are consequences when he pushes those boundaries. He is cuddly, kind, polite, helpful, empathetic.

But can be high energy and doesn't like to do what he's told a lot of the time e.g. tidy up his toys.

There was an incident where DS did a wee on the floor on purpose during a huge tantrum, he can occasionally struggle to regulate his emotions so will act out like that. It's very rare something like that happens. DP said it was outrageous and that I didn't punish him enough.

I feel like I'm constantly judged by DP on my parenting and like I'm walking on egg shells. His comments tonight, along with everything else have really really pissed me off.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/02/2022 05:59

*does

Holly60 · 07/02/2022 06:02

Get rid of this horrible man. Your 3 year old sounds gorgeous and just like my 3 year old DGC (whom everyone in the family ADORES)

dottycat123 · 07/02/2022 06:30

I do agree that there are plenty of red flags here and you should consider ending the relationship, the duvet change is a typical want by a 3 year old and easily sorted without fuss. If the weeing on the floor was an isolated incident then I would have firmly told off, if it is a 'go to' response when angry/ stressed/ upset then I think you need to act more firmly. I am the mum of grown up boys and would not have considered weeing on the floor as a reasonable response when upset. I think at three that is a boundary I would be setting.

Aussiegirl123456 · 07/02/2022 06:47

Unsolicited parenting advice from someone who doesn’t have children…hmm

Kgutdfn · 07/02/2022 06:51

Get rid!! He will suck the life out of you and your son. Don't let this man spoil these precious years by grinding you down slowly bit by bit. He sounds controlling.

Pamlar · 07/02/2022 07:00

I think you know your son and your parenting are not the problem.
I feel sad for your son being around this man who resents him and sad for you that you are caught in the middle.
If you were to have a child with this man your son would forever be the "difficult one"
I hope you can find the strength to end the relationship and find someone who treats you both with love and respect

Dreambigger · 07/02/2022 07:06

No but your partner is. He sounds horrible. Please get rid of him before this gets worse. You deserve someone much nicer.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 07/02/2022 07:10

DP constantly gives me unsolicited parenting advice: why haven't you done this? Why don't you do this? You should do that! There's no way you're doing that?
The man is turning up at your house just to put you down. He doesn't sound like a pleasant or kind person, and he certainly isn't someone you want to have near your child. What sort of "punishment" does he want, and why is a grown man trying to get involved with "punishing" a little boy? Where did you think it starts with those poor children who end up serially injured and killed after abuse from someone's partner? You are responsible for your child's safety, so you don't have the luxury of being able to date whatever nasty man you come across, you need to remove him from the house and not have him near your child again. For your own sake, breaking up would be the sensible option.

firstfamhol · 07/02/2022 07:17

If you are walking on eggshells around him, it sounds like he’s the one who can’t manage his own emotions and feelings - not the three year old!

boobot1 · 07/02/2022 07:17

@buttercrinkle

Thank you. At the end of the argument he said that he won't say anything in relation to my parents again. But I feel like the damage has been done.

He's the one who sounds awful. I would get rid.

UniversalAunt · 07/02/2022 07:23

‘ Just want to add OP this shows other flags. You have a kid and only been together a year, he should still be taking you on dates. How did him staying over at weekends and annual leave (doesn’t he want to go on holiday?) come about? ’

This, parenting comments AND the eggshells.

That’s plenty.
Nip this relationship in the bud.

Sidge · 07/02/2022 07:23

This control in trying to tell you how to parent your child is your boyfriends equivalent of pissing on the floor - he’s marking territory.

He’s threatened by your love for your child as he’s insecure and immature. He wants all your love and attention and doesn’t like your son.

Please end it. The fact you’re walking on eggshells despite only seeing the boyfriend at weekends means deep down you know this is not a relationship with any future. No relationship should make you feel like that. I bet you feel just fine and dandy during the week when he’s not there.

UniversalAunt · 07/02/2022 07:25

‘ Your partner seems to believe in parenting in a way that was more common in the 90s’

Eh?

Copasetic · 07/02/2022 07:29

I expected you to say really bad behaviour from your 3 year old but this is absolutely standard behaviour. Without a doubt I’d get rid of the partner. He won’t not comment on your parenting. He will eye role or go quiet and make it completely obvious in other ways that he disagrees but that aside, the fact that he feels that you looking after your 3 year old in a completely warm and loving way is wrong, speaks volumes about him.

Bunnycat101 · 07/02/2022 07:34

It was this that stood out for me: ‘ I feel like I'm constantly judged by DP on my parenting and like I'm walking on egg shells.’ You don’t sound like he’s making you happy so is it worth continuing the relationship? You don’t see eye to eye and you sound very uncomfortable.

But, while all 3yos are annoying at times, do you think he has a point about behaviour? 3yos very quickly become 4yos who need to go to school and conform. He may not be going about it in the right way but if there is a grain of truth it may be something to think about.

CallMeNutribullet · 07/02/2022 08:03

Your 3 year old sounds perfectly normal and your parenting sounds healthy.

I'd get rid of the man honestly.

Wheeloftime · 07/02/2022 09:58

". What sort of "punishment" does he want, and why is a grown man trying to get involved with "punishing" a little boy? Where did you think it starts with those poor children who end up serially injured and killed after abuse from someone's partner? You are responsible for your child's safety, so you don't have the luxury of being able to date whatever nasty man you come across, you need to remove him from the house and not have him near your child again."

Completely this. This is where and how abuse starts. This is the 3rd time I'm posting on this thread, because it really rang an alarm bell with cases I've seen. Be very careful op and run. This is not the loving relationship you want in your life.

EKGEMS · 07/02/2022 22:54

The most perfect parents are those without children-boy did I realize parenting isn't easy when I became one. Your boyfriend sounds like he is a gigantic jackass and you would be well rid of him

Panda2020 · 07/02/2022 23:00

Your son sound perfectly normal and probably on the good side in my opinion now I know how difficult little boys can be. I would not let any man like that near my child.

NowEvenBetter · 07/02/2022 23:02

No need to inflict this boyfriend on your child, if you need to keep dating him, do it away from your kid.

Suzanne999 · 07/02/2022 23:09

All 3 year olds are awful some of the time. They’re 3 —- been in this world less than 48 months and they’ve already learnt so much, but they don’t know everything yet ( that kicks in at about 13 :)

Can you imagine listening to this man criticising you and your child for the next 15 years? His criticisms don’t even sound constructive in the slightest and border on downright nastiness.

Barnybrown · 07/02/2022 23:17

I agree with almost all of the previous posters . You have a huge responsibility when choosing a partner to make sure this is someone who will nurture your child - you are choosing for both of you. There are huge red flags in this man’s behaviour - your instinct is telling you this, which is why you feel like you are walking on egg shells even though he doesn’t even live with you full time. Please listen to your gut and do not allow this man into your child’s life - you are responsible for protecting him from this man’s horrid attitude.

Bellyups · 07/02/2022 23:22

This man will just get worse and worse. Get rid

LittleMissTake · 07/02/2022 23:25

Sounds like DP is jealous of your son. This will not work. Time for a new DP.

Greenzone · 08/02/2022 06:10

Next thing he’ll be mansplaining how to wear bras and deal with periods because he knows all about that too.

He sounds like a knob.

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