Is my three year old awful?

[buttercrinkle]

DS turned 3 in October. I have a partner of a year who works away but stays with us at the weekends and during his annual leave. He has no children and no children in his life like cousins etc.

DP constantly gives me unsolicited parenting advice: why haven't you done this? Why don't you do this? You should do that! There's no way you're doing that?

Tonight, he has said that I am too soft as a parent and that my son would benefit from more strict parenting. He said that he thinks my son is on the worse side of three year olds in terms of behaviour.

For example, DS didn't like the duvet he had on his bed and asked for it to be swapped to another one that he had in his wardrobe. For me, that's no problem. But DP said that if it was his child, he would say either use the duvet that's on the bed or go cold.

I also give him a degree of choice in what he has to eat, instead of giving him a meal whether he likes it or not. And I don't force him to finish his food if he doesn't like it/has had enough. I guess I would say I am a chilled parent, but with clear boundaries and I definitely wouldn't say I follow the very gentle parenting technique.

He is not a bad kid. His speech is very good so he can be cheeky/back chat. I sometimes get "you're naughty" or "I'm going to break x" when he's upset because he's been told off. There are clear boundaries in place and he knows them, there are consequences when he pushes those boundaries. He is cuddly, kind, polite, helpful, empathetic.

But can be high energy and doesn't like to do what he's told a lot of the time e.g. tidy up his toys.

There was an incident where DS did a wee on the floor on purpose during a huge tantrum, he can occasionally struggle to regulate his emotions so will act out like that. It's very rare something like that happens. DP said it was outrageous and that I didn't punish him enough.

I feel like I'm constantly judged by DP on my parenting and like I'm walking on egg shells. His comments tonight, along with everything else have really really pissed me off.

AIBU?

DS sounds really normal & may be playing up more when BF is visiting as presumably you have to divide your attention.

BF doesn't sound like he enjoys DS company.

I think it will escalate. Teenagers can be challenging. Kids aren't robots and they will challenge in various ways over the years.

I don't think you should continue seeing him. You need to put DS first.

Didn't even finish reading your post.

Break up with him, you and your son will be much happier!

Your son sounds like a 3 year old.

Your DP sounds like a pain in the arse. Nothing more annoying than unwanted parenting advice form someone who’s never had kids! Tell him to shut up or send him packing!

Sounds like mine and definitely not awful. He sounds completely normal for a 3 year old. I let mine chose his food and help me cook it, he feels involved and more inclined to eat it. He refuses certain clothes, fine, no big deal I help him pick what he wants to wear. Considering he has none of his own and never had sole responsibility for a threenager he has absolutely no say in how you parent you child. Tell him to keep his nose out

When you've done it alone at the terrible toddlers age then your partner can have an opinion. My DD still Co sleeps with me because that's what I had to do to get sleep and be able to function. My partner doesn't agree with that but he gets up on a morning with her when he stays and those 2 hours he struggles. He is more understanding now how hard it is having a toddler who has so much energy and such big tantrums.

You're partner hasn't walked a day in a single parents shoes so personally I don't think he has a right to a opinion. You're doing great, no parent can hands down say they know what they're doing because we don't

It's shocking that you still allow this shitbag of a man anywhere near your child. He's awful and he's cruel. Your poor little boy.

Your partner is awful, your 3 year old is entirely normal. What do you want from the relationship long term? Because I don't think it will be good for your boy to have someone in his life who has such ridiculous expectations of children and thinks throwing your weight around be authoritarian is a good thing.

Fucking nope! Mansplaining parenting that you’re managing perfectly well with when he doesn’t have actual experience?!

He’ll eventually start having opinions on other things in your life that “you’re doing wrongly”

Bin and move in, you deserve better

You are definitely too soft because you're still with him.

He might not say anything else starting now but you know what he thinks of you as a parent and of you child. He obviously doesn't like him much. He might not say it but he will think it and feel it.

What about the future? Do you want your son to live with someone like that full time? Do you want someone like your partner to eventually have a say in how the house is run,how the money is spent and other things affecting your son?

In my experience these things just get worse,not better.

It’s hard to love someone else’s child and what we tolerate in our own we often find irritating in another’s child. However, your son sounds perfectly normal and he comes first before this man. You have some decisions to make.

All three year olds are at least a little bit awful at times. I think it's normal. The weeing on the floor is obviously very naughty but I imagine he will grow out of it!

Your boyfriend doesn't have his own kids. I find thinking what you'd do to parent someone else's kid is pretty much always a lot simpler than actually doing the parenting.

Red flags all over the place here.

The fact he feels entitled to comment on your parenting.
The fact he clearly feels frustrated at not seeing your son treated more harshly - sorry, ‘strictly’.
The fact your son is only 3 and he is critical of his normal toddler behaviour.

All this smacks of wanting to make himself ‘man of the house’ and priority over your son. I would get rid of him.

Op, please run away from this man. The vast majority of child abuse cases are from step dads to step sons. And it typically starts like this. Completely normal 3 year old behaviour irritates the guy, who has no clue, foolosihly thinks oh he needs discipline. Convinces you that he's not normal, let's apply some discipline. Then escalates. Don't take that risk. Protect your son.

Choose your son … looks at my perfect 3 year old sleeping.

Tell him to fuck off.

So he has absolutely zero experience with kids and is arrogant and entitled enough to not only tell you what to do, but judge and put you down.

It’s really sad that the thread title is questioning your 3yo rather than the man.

Something a PP has said has really struck a chord. “This man will never love your child.”

That’s very true and very, very sad. Forcing a child to endure living with a man who doesn’t and won’t ever love him would be awful. He sounds like an insufferable know-it-all with a capacity for cruelty.

@HardbackWriter

Please get rid of this man. The fact he's managing to make you doubt both yourself and your tiny child like this is so sad.

Yep exactly this

To be honest OP your thread title suggests this prick has got inside your head already

He is resenting your child, seriously get rid of him.

He sounds normal, you sound like a great mum. He needs to take a step back and respect your parenting choices.

First he = your son. Second he = your DP

Yeah, YABU to put up with this man. For so many important reasons. One is the sheer arrogance of him thinking he needs to scold you despite not knowing your son or having any experience with children. No.

Your ‘dp’ is a knob.

Firstly it’s easy to give parenting advice when you’re not a parent. I reckon 100% of parents who thought they’d do a/b/c and be a certain way now parent completely differently.

It’s never going to work. LTB

And remember the parenting mantra ‘pick your battles’ change of duvet isn’t a battle I’d personally be arsed with.

How does he want you to ‘punish’ a 3yo?! I am the last person to suggest LTB or scream ‘that’s abuse’ at the slightest thing. However I can really see this escalating into him being ‘step dad’ and smacking or emotionally abusing your sweet, perfectly normal boy.

It's the job of a 3 year old to be unreasonable, illogical and demanding. You just have to largely go with it and lovingly parent them as I'm sure you have been.

Please don't doubt yourself.

And never prioritise your love life over your children. Get rid of someone like this. They will never love your child and your child will sense it and it will cause untold damage.