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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my three year old awful?

158 replies

buttercrinkle · 06/02/2022 20:57

DS turned 3 in October. I have a partner of a year who works away but stays with us at the weekends and during his annual leave. He has no children and no children in his life like cousins etc.

DP constantly gives me unsolicited parenting advice: why haven't you done this? Why don't you do this? You should do that! There's no way you're doing that?

Tonight, he has said that I am too soft as a parent and that my son would benefit from more strict parenting. He said that he thinks my son is on the worse side of three year olds in terms of behaviour.

For example, DS didn't like the duvet he had on his bed and asked for it to be swapped to another one that he had in his wardrobe. For me, that's no problem. But DP said that if it was his child, he would say either use the duvet that's on the bed or go cold.

I also give him a degree of choice in what he has to eat, instead of giving him a meal whether he likes it or not. And I don't force him to finish his food if he doesn't like it/has had enough. I guess I would say I am a chilled parent, but with clear boundaries and I definitely wouldn't say I follow the very gentle parenting technique.

He is not a bad kid. His speech is very good so he can be cheeky/back chat. I sometimes get "you're naughty" or "I'm going to break x" when he's upset because he's been told off. There are clear boundaries in place and he knows them, there are consequences when he pushes those boundaries. He is cuddly, kind, polite, helpful, empathetic.

But can be high energy and doesn't like to do what he's told a lot of the time e.g. tidy up his toys.

There was an incident where DS did a wee on the floor on purpose during a huge tantrum, he can occasionally struggle to regulate his emotions so will act out like that. It's very rare something like that happens. DP said it was outrageous and that I didn't punish him enough.

I feel like I'm constantly judged by DP on my parenting and like I'm walking on egg shells. His comments tonight, along with everything else have really really pissed me off.

AIBU?

OP posts:
5keletor · 06/02/2022 22:45

Why are you letting him continue to be around your child? He quite clearly doesn't like him and is looking to pick fault with everything.

5keletor · 06/02/2022 22:45

@oakleaffy

Get rid. He's not your son's father, and he sounds vile. Maybe your son peed on purpose because he's under stress from this horrid man.
I thought this too, it is probably quite stressful for a child being around someone like that.
oakleaffy · 06/02/2022 22:47

@5keletor
Definitely little ones pick up on stress.
They instinctively know if they are liked or not.

Italiandreams · 06/02/2022 22:48

Sounds exactly like my 3 year old. Struggles with impulse control, can't always regulate emotions, regularly completely unreasonable and irrational. Also very loving and hilarious at times for balance! Perfectly normal from what I see of all the other 3 year old we know!

GrandmasCat · 06/02/2022 22:48

I agree you cannot continue with this relationship as you have very different parenting styles. It is never going to work in the long term.

But I have never seen a three year old behaving that bad either. The changing of the duvet and seeing on the floor on purpose, ha! That’s a child who knows he is calling the shots not mum.

Mischance · 06/02/2022 22:49

You owe it to your child to get this man out of your life.

surreygirl1987 · 06/02/2022 22:50

Your son sounds exactly like my 3 year old. The guy sounds really unreasonable and unpleasant.

oakleaffy · 06/02/2022 22:51

As for ''Punishing'' a child of three who wees on the floor??
My son did a wee at an older age than that because we were abroad, and he was really stressed.

What ''Punishment'' did this man want you to mete out?

Your son probably has the measure of this man on an instinctive level.

Please listen to your son...Not the man.

Mogwig · 06/02/2022 22:54

@JustBlethering

He sounds like a typical 3yo.

This man will never love your child. I'd get rid.

This.

GET RID.

KurtWilde · 06/02/2022 22:55

I remember my eldest DD had a wee on the floor around 3yo, she was stressed because her dad had just moved in with us and he was absolutely shit with her. He didn't live with us for long.

PinkSyCo · 06/02/2022 22:57

Your 3 year old’s behaviour sounds pretty normal to me, but even if you were letting him get away with murder it’s not really any of your partner’s business. Sorry to say but your relationship is not going to work. Imagine how it would be if he was in your home full time. What about, God forbid if you had a child together. How would that work when your parenting styles are so different. I’d cut my losses and get out now if I were you.

Lilymossflower · 06/02/2022 22:59

Is it his child ? (Assuming it's not by your post)

If it's not his kid then he can stick his opinions where the sun don't shine.

Even if he has other kids of his own, even if he works in childcare or whatever. The same stands if it's not his kid he can fuck off with the parenting criticism.

At best he is just an ignorant dickwad and at best, he is doing it as a control tactic

Lilymossflower · 06/02/2022 22:59

At worst, it's a control tactic is what I meant.

oakleaffy · 06/02/2022 23:00

@KurtWilde

I remember my eldest DD had a wee on the floor around 3yo, she was stressed because her dad had just moved in with us and he was absolutely shit with her. He didn't live with us for long.
Exactly....Inappropriate weeing out of character is surely a sign of deep rooted distress.
Schmoozer · 06/02/2022 23:05

You are right OP
The damage has been done
You sound great
DS sounds normal
The dickhead sounds like a nightmare that is not good for your sons well-being -
Get shot of the dickhead

GinLimeandLemonade · 06/02/2022 23:05

Your partner is a prick.

You and your DS deserve better.

Thewindwhispers · 06/02/2022 23:09

DP is not a parent and doesn’t get it. His comments were insensitive and rude.

That said, isn’t great that your son is threatening to break stuff / weed on the floor on purpose during an argument. Gentle parenting is good, giving a child a choice is good, of course he can choose a different duvet, but also: male children do try to dominate their morhers from a surprisingly early age, and it sounds like yours is pushing it a bit far. Hopefully he just lost control of his bladder, which can happen, but anger-wees-as-revenge aren’t normal behaviour, not clear if that is what happened.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2022 23:21

@buttercrinkle

Thank you. At the end of the argument he said that he won't say anything in relation to my parents again. But I feel like the damage has been done.
If you stay with him, the damage to your child is just beginning. FFS, don't be one of those women who chooses a man over the well-being of their child.
amitoooldforthisshit · 06/02/2022 23:27

@JustBlethering

He sounds like a typical 3yo.

This man will never love your child. I'd get rid.

this
Sunnytwobridges · 06/02/2022 23:34

I find it strange that everyone thinks back talk and weeing on the floor in retaliation is normal for a 3 year old, but I guess my DD didn't do any of that so maybe she's the one that's not normal lol

Anyway you dont have the same parenting styles so it won't work. I dated a man that was very lax on his kids, let them talk back, catered to every one of their demands etc. After a while I couldn't stop myself from making comments and It would irk me so I ended it. YOu should end it cause it will only cause issues in the long run.

damnthisvirusandmarriage · 06/02/2022 23:38

Sounds like a 3 year old. As does your son.

Get rid!

Nowayoutonlydown · 06/02/2022 23:40

@buttercrinkle

DS turned 3 in October. I have a partner of a year who works away but stays with us at the weekends and during his annual leave. He has no children and no children in his life like cousins etc.

DP constantly gives me unsolicited parenting advice: why haven't you done this? Why don't you do this? You should do that! There's no way you're doing that?

Tonight, he has said that I am too soft as a parent and that my son would benefit from more strict parenting. He said that he thinks my son is on the worse side of three year olds in terms of behaviour.

For example, DS didn't like the duvet he had on his bed and asked for it to be swapped to another one that he had in his wardrobe. For me, that's no problem. But DP said that if it was his child, he would say either use the duvet that's on the bed or go cold.

I also give him a degree of choice in what he has to eat, instead of giving him a meal whether he likes it or not. And I don't force him to finish his food if he doesn't like it/has had enough. I guess I would say I am a chilled parent, but with clear boundaries and I definitely wouldn't say I follow the very gentle parenting technique.

He is not a bad kid. His speech is very good so he can be cheeky/back chat. I sometimes get "you're naughty" or "I'm going to break x" when he's upset because he's been told off. There are clear boundaries in place and he knows them, there are consequences when he pushes those boundaries. He is cuddly, kind, polite, helpful, empathetic.

But can be high energy and doesn't like to do what he's told a lot of the time e.g. tidy up his toys.

There was an incident where DS did a wee on the floor on purpose during a huge tantrum, he can occasionally struggle to regulate his emotions so will act out like that. It's very rare something like that happens. DP said it was outrageous and that I didn't punish him enough.

I feel like I'm constantly judged by DP on my parenting and like I'm walking on egg shells. His comments tonight, along with everything else have really really pissed me off.

AIBU?

It sounds like you parent your son how I have parented my daughter. He has clear boundaries and is treated with respect as a person in his own right, this will teach him clear expectations of his own and other people's behaviour toward him throughout his life. Your partner seems to believe in parenting in a way that was more common in the 90s, don't like it, starve. Don't like it, be cold. My way or the highway. I am the parent, you'll do as I say, no explanation required!

I'd also say that your 3year old doesn't sound too dissimilar to any other child of his age. Odd tantrums and the inability to really regulate their emotions at that age is pretty normal.

What I would say is if your partner views your child in this way and has such a different viewpoint of raising children, this is probably a sign that there are quite huge disparities in other areas of your lives. This may not be the man for you OP.

Kinex · 07/02/2022 00:18

So he comes round, acts like a dick about the way you parent your child, then fucks off again? Nope - not cool at all!

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 07/02/2022 01:15

Massive red flag!

He's not his parent and shouldn't be thinking or acting like he is. It doesn't sound like he's got any affection for your son. He sounds mean, your son is 3 FGS, and he's YOUR son, not his.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/02/2022 05:58

@JustBlethering

He sounds like a typical 3yo.

This man will never love your child. I'd get rid.

This. It doesn't matter if he never verbalise one negative sentiment again.

He dies not like let alone love your child.
You have no future together

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