Is my three year old awful?

[buttercrinkle]

DS turned 3 in October. I have a partner of a year who works away but stays with us at the weekends and during his annual leave. He has no children and no children in his life like cousins etc.

DP constantly gives me unsolicited parenting advice: why haven't you done this? Why don't you do this? You should do that! There's no way you're doing that?

Tonight, he has said that I am too soft as a parent and that my son would benefit from more strict parenting. He said that he thinks my son is on the worse side of three year olds in terms of behaviour.

For example, DS didn't like the duvet he had on his bed and asked for it to be swapped to another one that he had in his wardrobe. For me, that's no problem. But DP said that if it was his child, he would say either use the duvet that's on the bed or go cold.

I also give him a degree of choice in what he has to eat, instead of giving him a meal whether he likes it or not. And I don't force him to finish his food if he doesn't like it/has had enough. I guess I would say I am a chilled parent, but with clear boundaries and I definitely wouldn't say I follow the very gentle parenting technique.

He is not a bad kid. His speech is very good so he can be cheeky/back chat. I sometimes get "you're naughty" or "I'm going to break x" when he's upset because he's been told off. There are clear boundaries in place and he knows them, there are consequences when he pushes those boundaries. He is cuddly, kind, polite, helpful, empathetic.

But can be high energy and doesn't like to do what he's told a lot of the time e.g. tidy up his toys.

There was an incident where DS did a wee on the floor on purpose during a huge tantrum, he can occasionally struggle to regulate his emotions so will act out like that. It's very rare something like that happens. DP said it was outrageous and that I didn't punish him enough.

I feel like I'm constantly judged by DP on my parenting and like I'm walking on egg shells. His comments tonight, along with everything else have really really pissed me off.

AIBU?

Your DP knows nothing about DCs and doesn't want to learn. I don't think he's right for you and your DC. Your DS sounds fine. Your DP sounds awful.

Have you posted about this man before? Regardless, you should get rid of him and I don't say that lightly. He doesnt understand kids, has a different parenting style to you and if you got more serious then he'd have more of a say...is that what you want? I wouldnt want him as an influence around my son.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells

There is your big red flag, right there.

If your partner doesn't know many other children then how can he say your DS is badly behaved compared with other three year olds?

My DS is about a year younger than yours but I take a similar approach to things like which blanket to have, what food to eat (I don't mean letting him eat junk, I mean letting him choose between healthy options), which clothes to wear etc. We do have much stricter rules and routines around, for example, not hitting or biting or hurting others, taking turns, never playing with things that could be dangerous, brushing teeth and going to bed at a reasonable time etc.

I figure we're all more likely to respect the rules if they're reasonable and easy to justify. If he got punished for asking for a different duvet just the same as hitting another child, he'd think they were equally important and they're obviously not.

Your DS sounds very normal.

Children need to feel loved and secure and if my child had a preference over which duvet she wanted I'd happily make sure she had the preferred one, that's just being kind!

You and your son do not need this man in your life, butter. He has forgotten that he was three once and that is little more than a baby.

Ditch him.

This man will bring you and your son nothing but heartache.

Ultimately he doesn’t like your son. There’s no future there.

This made me sad. Your little boy sounds delightful and 200% normal. Your parenting sounds great.

Your “D”P sounds like a controlling nob verging on being cruel (the duvet thing, and the “he needs to be punished”) and I wouldn’t want to stick around to see where that progressed if I were you tbh.

Your partner is an arrogant POS to think he can just barge in a few months into a relationship and tell you how to parent. He's going to become more and more controlling over time.

Your is the bring style sounds very similar to mine. Honestly I couldn't be arsed justifying it all the time; I'd get rid!

If there’s a possibility of you having children together, then you need to consider how that would work when he is more entitled to have a say

@buttercrinkle you sound like a lovely Mother :) do you follow biglittlethings on Instagram? Everything you're doing is exactly what these parenting experts on there say to do. And from my experience it does work! Why say no to the blanket issue when you can say yes and there be no fall out! These toddlers like to be in control too and so by offering him choices you are giving him a sense of control of the little things and so you've got control of the bigger things...

You're OH has not got a leg to stand on. Keep doing what you're doing!!

He’s not awful, he’s THREE

You sound, as you say, on the liberal side but not extreme end. But it doesn’t matter because it’s up to you. And clearly it’s working for you and your son.

I’d be slightly concerned about the maturity of a person who didn’t know not to comment on other people’s parenting. It’s pretty 101. I suspect he finds your son an irritation, which means he’s probably not a keeper, sad to say..

Your 3-year old purposely pissed on the floor and you’re ok with that?

So I guess the question is, what are you going to do about it?
Please don’t let you little boy grow up with someone so critical. And don’t fall into the trap of thinking if you have a child together it will change his perspective. It won’t.

Do your kid a favour and bin this loser off

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Your 3-year old purposely pissed on the floor and you’re ok with that?

Where did you read that? I can't find it

I was also an amazing parent like your DP….until I had kids.

It’s super easy to have an opinion and say how it should be done when you aren’t living through it day after day. I would just change the duvet too, winning the war not the battles is the aim of the game 😂

Stupid fucking man expects your three year old to operate as though he’s thirty five. Stupid fucking arbitrary rules about blankets and dinner. He’s a domineering twat. Get shot. Good luck. Xx

Please don't listen to him. You're doing great and your kid is totally normal. He knows literally nothing and can jog on

@buttercrinkle
Please beware this man.
My friend had a ''DP'' who when he thought no one was looking, kicked her 3 year old .

But I saw!
He obviously has no 'Connection' with your son, be very careful.

30 years working in childcare here. Your child is a normal 3 yr old.
Your partner however is an arse.

I don't know if your 3 year old is "awful" I doubt it though, he's 3 at the end of the day and still learning!
Really though it's irrelevant. It's a bad idea to be with somebody who so openly dislikes/resents your child. That's going to end up being damaging and stressful for you both.

Get rid.
He's not your son's father, and he sounds vile.
Maybe your son peed on purpose because he's under stress from this horrid man.