Is my three year old awful?

[buttercrinkle]

DS turned 3 in October. I have a partner of a year who works away but stays with us at the weekends and during his annual leave. He has no children and no children in his life like cousins etc.

DP constantly gives me unsolicited parenting advice: why haven't you done this? Why don't you do this? You should do that! There's no way you're doing that?

Tonight, he has said that I am too soft as a parent and that my son would benefit from more strict parenting. He said that he thinks my son is on the worse side of three year olds in terms of behaviour.

For example, DS didn't like the duvet he had on his bed and asked for it to be swapped to another one that he had in his wardrobe. For me, that's no problem. But DP said that if it was his child, he would say either use the duvet that's on the bed or go cold.

I also give him a degree of choice in what he has to eat, instead of giving him a meal whether he likes it or not. And I don't force him to finish his food if he doesn't like it/has had enough. I guess I would say I am a chilled parent, but with clear boundaries and I definitely wouldn't say I follow the very gentle parenting technique.

He is not a bad kid. His speech is very good so he can be cheeky/back chat. I sometimes get "you're naughty" or "I'm going to break x" when he's upset because he's been told off. There are clear boundaries in place and he knows them, there are consequences when he pushes those boundaries. He is cuddly, kind, polite, helpful, empathetic.

But can be high energy and doesn't like to do what he's told a lot of the time e.g. tidy up his toys.

There was an incident where DS did a wee on the floor on purpose during a huge tantrum, he can occasionally struggle to regulate his emotions so will act out like that. It's very rare something like that happens. DP said it was outrageous and that I didn't punish him enough.

I feel like I'm constantly judged by DP on my parenting and like I'm walking on egg shells. His comments tonight, along with everything else have really really pissed me off.

AIBU?

Your little boy sounds like my three year old who I think is pretty well behaved 🤷‍♀️ don't let someone else make you feel that you aren't doing a good job!

Ref flags everywhere! Ditch this bloke & be happy in the knowledge that your son is a perfectly normal 3yr old & your parenting style is absolutely fine. Seriously. Get rid. If he's like this now, he'll only get worse as time goes on. X

Please don’t put this relationship over the happiness of you and your little boy. You have just been a kind Mum. Three year olds don’t need disciplining. You partner really sounds horrible and like he will get worse as your son gets older.

Your little boy sounds like a very normal 3 year old. The objection to the duvet request is just bizarre - what earthly problem does it cause for the child to be given his choice of duvet sitting three steps away? It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't see children as little human beings learning their way into life but little exhibits there to demonstrate how much control you have been able to exert and 'training' you've been able to apply (as a measure of your parenting success).

I'm not a super fluffy, laid back parent but in my opinion of you say 'no' to everything all the time for no good reason, it massively lessens the impact of the 'nos' that really are necessary and eventually teaches your child not to respect your judgment. I also think that shouting - outside of warning of imminent physical pain - and harsh punishment doesn't teach anything or improve behaviour. Remove child from situation, get them to calm down and look at you, explain why said behaviour isn't ok and explain the natural consequences that will be applied next time it happens.

Your DP would hate me!

Honestly, it sounds like this relationship doesn't have a future. Partly because your parenting styles (yours actual, his theoretical) don't align so it's never going to make for a happy blended home) and partly because he's the sort of person to get on his high horse and hold forth on a topic about which he has absolutely no experience. That pattern is going to get old very quickly.

You DS sounds like a fairly normal 3 year old and your parenting sounds like good parenting in the 21st century.

Your partner sounds like a bit of a dinosaur and, as someone has said, not someone who will ever love your son.

If you like him a lot, you could keep seeing him, but I think it's detrimental to your son and to your relationship with your son to have him staying in the house any time your son is there. And I don't think that situation is likely to change.

You sound like a lovely mum. Completely normal behaviour for a 3 yr old but I think you know that. As you said, your Bf has nothing to compare it to and he is completely inexperienced. You are the perfect parent until you actually become one.

Trouble is, do you like his parenting style? He sounds very old school and you should decide now if you'd ever want him to parent your kid or any of your future joint children. Ask yourself can he adjust to your parenting style?

If you keep this horrible man in your child's life, your little boy will probably grow to resent you for it. The comments about how you should 'punish' him etc just made me feel sick. Yes children need boundaries but I associate the word 'punish' with abuse. Please look after your child and forget this awful man

I have a three year old. Sounds perfectly normal.

For instance, I would class my daughter as very well bahaved because she's polite, kind, caring and all round a lovely little person.
BUT she is still a three year old and can't regulate her emotions. Last night she threw a terrible tantrum because I asked if she wanted covered up with her blanket at bed time. Last week she threw her play sand all over the living room. A few days ago she kicked our dog in the face. All of which are unacceptable behaviour (to varying degrees) but all we can do is let her know what is, and isn't acceptable and she's learning, and growing.

She has times where she stomps her feet, screams and bangs about daily.

Despite this, I still consider her brilliant and well behaved, because at least 60 percent of the time, she is.

Ditch your partner. He's an absolute red flag.