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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my three year old awful?

158 replies

buttercrinkle · 06/02/2022 20:57

DS turned 3 in October. I have a partner of a year who works away but stays with us at the weekends and during his annual leave. He has no children and no children in his life like cousins etc.

DP constantly gives me unsolicited parenting advice: why haven't you done this? Why don't you do this? You should do that! There's no way you're doing that?

Tonight, he has said that I am too soft as a parent and that my son would benefit from more strict parenting. He said that he thinks my son is on the worse side of three year olds in terms of behaviour.

For example, DS didn't like the duvet he had on his bed and asked for it to be swapped to another one that he had in his wardrobe. For me, that's no problem. But DP said that if it was his child, he would say either use the duvet that's on the bed or go cold.

I also give him a degree of choice in what he has to eat, instead of giving him a meal whether he likes it or not. And I don't force him to finish his food if he doesn't like it/has had enough. I guess I would say I am a chilled parent, but with clear boundaries and I definitely wouldn't say I follow the very gentle parenting technique.

He is not a bad kid. His speech is very good so he can be cheeky/back chat. I sometimes get "you're naughty" or "I'm going to break x" when he's upset because he's been told off. There are clear boundaries in place and he knows them, there are consequences when he pushes those boundaries. He is cuddly, kind, polite, helpful, empathetic.

But can be high energy and doesn't like to do what he's told a lot of the time e.g. tidy up his toys.

There was an incident where DS did a wee on the floor on purpose during a huge tantrum, he can occasionally struggle to regulate his emotions so will act out like that. It's very rare something like that happens. DP said it was outrageous and that I didn't punish him enough.

I feel like I'm constantly judged by DP on my parenting and like I'm walking on egg shells. His comments tonight, along with everything else have really really pissed me off.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 06/02/2022 21:32

3 yo is behaving age appropriately. He sounds like a wannabe bully. I'd be showing him the door.

KurtWilde · 06/02/2022 21:32

Your DS sounds like a normal little boy. I'd be rethinking this relationship entirely.

Daphnise · 06/02/2022 21:33

Neither the man nor the child sound particularly attractive.

SugarPlumFairy999 · 06/02/2022 21:33

Break up with him, you're parenting styles are to different and it's pretty clear this bloke doesn't seem to care about your child much. Bloods thicker than water and kids come first everytime. Do it your way, you're doing fine.

Katya213 · 06/02/2022 21:34

I’d be very uncomfortable with this situation.

catmg · 06/02/2022 21:37

Please split from this man. His behaviour has got you to a point where you've written a post with that title, about what should be - as far as you're concerned - the most loved little boy in the world. Don't let anybody ever do this to you or your little boy again. I don't post often on this site, but my god, that's your son and you've asked that question!

PerseverancePays · 06/02/2022 21:38

This is a man who sees your child as competition for your attention, a rival. An insecure man who has no natural nurturing instincts, quite the opposite, thinks of punishment as a first go to solution.
This man is not a keeper.

FeloniusGru · 06/02/2022 21:38

Oh yes, 3 year olds are definitely awful. Mine certainly is. Every day is constant battle of making sure things are to his liking and trying to avoid tantrums. But he’s mine and I love him despite all of that and I’m fiercely protective if anyone upsets him (including DH who is his father Grin).
Don’t let this man come between you and your son. He barely knows him and isn’t exactly experienced in dealing with children is he? Your son needs you on side to support and guide him Smile

GrazingSheep · 06/02/2022 21:38

Who will you choose- your child or your partner?

TerryChoc · 06/02/2022 21:39

If someone told me to leave my child to go cold as they prefer a different duvet I would tell him where to go.
Don’t we do this as adults? Decide we prefer a fleece over duvet or something different. Would we then chastise ourselves and think we should learn and have to go cold?

RedScarfJamJar · 06/02/2022 21:39

@Daphnise

Neither the man nor the child sound particularly attractive.
Neither do you in fairness. What are you trying to achieve with this comment, what's the endgame? Does OP have the scales fall from her eyes in a St. Paul on the road to Damascus blinding flash and she realises that she should both jettison the man and change her parenting based on this?

That kind of comment really grinds my rails.

Anyway, OP I had this with a partner who had a son much younger than mine, kept telling me what I ought to do in certain situations because that's how his mother did things and he turned out alright (he didn't) and that his son wouldn't grow up like mine! So I decided that instead of second guessing myself all the time on the whim of a man who saw his son 4 days a month, I'd move out and parent my son the way I saw fit. We're both much happier.

Only you can make the decision but if you're at the stage of reaching out here maybe it's time to pause his visits for a while and see how you feel in a few weeks?

Marmelace · 06/02/2022 21:41

@Daphnise

Neither the man nor the child sound particularly attractive.
Why would you want a child to be attractive?
hangrylady · 06/02/2022 21:41

Bye Bye man, don't let the door hit your arse on the way out

Amaya89 · 06/02/2022 21:41

3 year olds are awful. I've had 4 of them and each one was in their own unique and fantastic way. They're learning. Most adults struggle to control their emotions, it definitely can't be expected of a 3 year old. Your partner is an arse.

Chichimcgee · 06/02/2022 21:41

Neither the man nor the child sound particularly attractive.

You clearly have no experience with 3 year olds

KurtWilde · 06/02/2022 21:41

@Daphnise

Neither the man nor the child sound particularly attractive.
How are comments like this even allowed? This is a 3yo ffs, practically still a baby.
Rjw84 · 06/02/2022 21:42

Your 3 year old sounds gorgeous. Your partner doesn’t.

ChocolateMassacre · 06/02/2022 21:42

This man has no idea but is playing the 'expert' and managing to make you doubt your parenting approach. This is likely to result in you trying to placate him somewhat (even if only subconsciously) and taking a more punitive approach to your son's behaviour than you otherwise would have. Ultimately, this may damage your relationship with your son and lead to his behaviour worsening rather than improving (since you are parenting less positively). Yes, you need to guide and discipline your DS but you also need to be his cheerleader and biggest fan.

WoMandalorian · 06/02/2022 21:43

Your partner has clearly never heard of the phrase "pick your battles". You cannot be against your child on every tiny thing or you will not raise a happy child. You're doing just fine and he doesn't seem to know how to raise another human being.

Wheeloftime · 06/02/2022 21:48

Just to add. A good strategy with a 3 year old is to let him win sometimes, when it's not dangerous or unhealthy for him. His personality is developing and you don't want him to be a passive scared person but a confident person who can reason and discuss. If its a reasonable request, why shouldn't he have his duvet? Instead your dp wants to dominate, just because? He likes power? Wants a tiny boy to bow to him?

If you stay with him, this will escalate. Your boy and you'll both be unhappy. Please don't let him convince you there's something wrong with your beautiful son.

Geppili · 06/02/2022 21:50

No your partner is awful. Get rid of him.

BakeOffRewatch · 06/02/2022 21:52

I have a partner of a year who works away but stays with us at the weekends and during his annual leave.

Just want to add OP this shows other flags. You have a kid and only been together a year, he should still be taking you on dates. How did him staying over at weekends and annual leave (doesn’t he want to go on holiday?) come about? Did he convince you gradually that it’s more convenient and easier and “best for you all”? Every weekend is a lot for your 3yo to spend time with someone who isn’t a main carer. Do you cook and do all chores when he’s there? Does he offer to help? Does he do caring and romantic things for you? We’ve only had that line to go on, but it sounds like he’s shortcut dating and falling in love with you to this situation of convenience and as PP said “man of the house”.

Geppili · 06/02/2022 21:53

He knows absolutely FA about being a parent. He simply resents your child. Protect your tiny son.

Meowwwwwww · 06/02/2022 21:54

@busyeatingbiscuits

Everyone's a perfect parent before they have children!

Get rid of this man.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Unfortunately it is very difficult to understand what it’s like to be a parent until you are one. This happens a lot of a child is a real discipline problem and someone from the outside thinks they can fix it. But your child doesn’t sound like a problem at all. Why on earth shouldn’t she be allowed to switch duvets if there is another one available? As she gets older her behavior will naturally become more challenging at times and if your partner is reacting this way already it’s only going to get worse. He doesn’t love your child and he never will.
Yuckypretty · 06/02/2022 21:59

Who does this guy think he is giving parenting advice when he's not a parent and it's not been asked for.

He won't have a clue how to treat you child properly as he hasn't experienced love between parent and child so inevitabley he will take the stricter approach.

Does he assume he knows best in other areas?