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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Exs mum cut my daughter's hair!!

169 replies

Singlemum90 · 06/02/2022 20:50

I have 2 DC's with ex. He lives with his parents and has children 1 night a week-so they stay in his parents house with him. He has lived there since we split years ago. The rest of the time children are with me and DH and our youngest child.

So ex had the kids his night this weekend and daughter returns with her hair cut! I'd say 6 inches of her beautiful long blonde hair all gone. I was obviously shocked and asked had he taken her to the hairdresser. Nope, his mum had decided she needed a hair cut, booked an appointment for DD, and told the hairdresser she wanted it all chopped off. Previously long hair is now shoulder length. DD isn't upset but doesn't like it as it was shorter than she wanted but granny had the final say. Her hair had not been cut in a year but I had literally just booked her brother in for a haircut the day before and had planned me & my DD would get booked in this week as we could both use a trim. She had lovely thick long blonde hair so was in no way bad looking or stragily-i assume his mum just didn't like the length.

He can't understand why I am absolutely fuming!! Neither can his mum by the sounds of it. AIBU to think that his mum had no right to take my daughter without my permission to get her hair cut !?! I asked DD had she asked to have her hair cut and she said no but his mum said she needed it done. Why would she think thats her decision!? It's so much shorter! I really don't like it, she looks so different. Ex wasn't there as had taken other DC out for the day so it was all his mum. Apparently she had booked the appointment a few weeks ago so had plenty of opportunity to ask if I was ok with it or what way she should have it done or if I wanted to take her myself but nope, she just completely bypassed me!!

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 06/02/2022 20:55

If your ex said it was ok then I can't see why she would have ran it past you. I imagined he knew about it and said it was fine.
I can see why you are annoyed but it's not the end of the world and it will grow back.

Codswallopcurry · 06/02/2022 20:58

No, you are right to be annoyed! She has no right to do that and I'm sure there must be some kind of rule about this kind of thing. I would make it clear that it should never happen again. I'd be fuming.

Bananarama21 · 06/02/2022 20:59

She had no right to do that, I'd tell her so.

Inspectorslack · 06/02/2022 21:00

I’m sorry but if your ex was ok with it there’s nothing you can do. I’d be raging too but it’ll grow.

badg3r · 06/02/2022 21:04

I think the biggest issue is that her gran put her own opinions first and dictated that your DD did something she didn't want to.

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 06/02/2022 21:04

Would you check with ex before taking your kids to the hairdresser?

Your ex is an equal parent. Ideally he should have spoken to you about a haircut, but you are overreacting IMO. It's only hair.

Tulips21 · 06/02/2022 21:08

I'd be furious.
Your exMil has zero say on that.
I hope you had a go at her

Cryalot2 · 06/02/2022 21:09

I would be fuming .
Yes it is only hair and will grow.
But I think clear rules must be laid down.
Certainly gran should have no say in anything.

If your ex thinks her hair needs cut then he tells you and you can take her to her normal hairdresser.

No major decisions without first consulting you.

phoenixrosehere · 06/02/2022 21:11

I’d be fuming regardless if ex said so or not because it should be a mutual decision (unless agreed otherwise) until the child can decide for themselves. I would go up to her and ask why she thought she had any say in such a decision and that DD is not her child. I’d go after ex after if he okayed it.

I get comments from my own MIL and father about cutting our sons’ hair (lovely dark curly hair that is too long for their tastes and they look like girls, so what) but they know they would be crossing a line if they did so without permission. My own DH checks with me about our sons’ hair because I’m the only one who does it and would be doing it on an almost daily basis regardless of how much was cut off or not.

daisypond · 06/02/2022 21:14

But your ex is allowed to parent as he judges fit under his watch. YABU.

CoastalWave · 06/02/2022 21:14

@Tulips21

I'd be furious. Your exMil has zero say on that. I hope you had a go at her
Her ex mil is the chid's grandma?!

Hardly a bloody stranger.

Is rude not to have run it past Mum, but if Dad said it was ok..I can see how it happened.

It's just hair. Not worth getting 'furious' over especially if you're split up and have to continue like this for another 10+ years imo. I would express my displeasure though.

Thewindwhispers · 06/02/2022 21:15

Yanbu. She doesn’t have any respect for you obviously. I would be seething.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/02/2022 21:17

Your dd has two parents. One of them approved a haircut. Do you ask ex if you can cut your child's hair?

Poetrypatty · 06/02/2022 21:18

YANBU it's not her place and an odd thing to do.

Knockoneofftheshelftowin · 06/02/2022 21:19

That is so very wrong. I wouldn't dare take my granddaughter to have her hair cut without her mam and dad's say so.

She was out of order.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2022 21:20

I can see why you’re annoyed, but it’s not a huge deal.

Do flag to your ex that your daughter did not want her hair cut that short, but she felt she couldn’t say no to her grandmother, hence you’d rather manage it.

He is an equal parent but plans for haircuts and dentists etc need to be jointly managed, if you’ve always managed haircuts then it’s odd to change that without communicating it.

I’d focus on better communication going forward.

ThatsGoingToHurt · 06/02/2022 21:21

How old is your DD?

runningoutofnewnames · 06/02/2022 21:22

It's got nothing to do with whether they're together or not. I'd be raging if my MIL had done this and I'm with my DC's father (just).

It's the MIL trampling over the OP's boundaries. Of course such a drastic cut should be run past the resident parent, not just done.

A trim, fair enough, perhaps, but this is a total restyle.

Chichimcgee · 06/02/2022 21:22

If your ex thinks her hair needs cut then he tells you and you can take her to her normal hairdresser.

So the child’s dad has no parental rights at all? It’s only hair, it will grow.

Just tell ex and gran that you don’t want her hair cut in the future as dd isn’t happy with it

Rubyupbeat · 06/02/2022 21:22

Would you ask your ex if you can get your daughters hair cut?
Surely she is as much his daughter as yours and if he is ok with it surely that is ok?
Plus the fact it hadn't been cut in a year probably didn't help.

Nightlystroll · 06/02/2022 21:23

I guess it depends. If you run styles and lengths past your ex, then he is unreasonable not to do the same. If you don't, then it's unreasonable for you to criticise him for not doing so either.
Basically though, if your daughter's not upset, then I don't understand why you are. There'll be a lot more hair disasters ahead of her than that.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/02/2022 21:24

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin

That is so very wrong. I wouldn't dare take my granddaughter to have her hair cut without her mam and dad's say so.

She was out of order.

Would you wait for both parents to confirm? Or would one parents saying "can you take dd for a hair cut" as sufficient?
MatildaJayne · 06/02/2022 21:28

My exH took my boys for a really short haircut just before his wedding. So they’d look tidy in the photos. I preferred a longer, surfy look. I was really upset, they looked a bit thuggish, but sadly he’s their parent too so I really had no comeback.

I’d make sure your DC know that they can say no to their grandmother about haircuts in future, but that does mean they can also say no you.

Cissyandflora · 06/02/2022 21:28

Are you asking your ex for permission to cut your son’s hair? You mentioned booking the appointment.

Also hair is just dead keratin. More will grow.

Darbs76 · 06/02/2022 21:30

I’d be absolutely furious. How dare she?

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