Page 7 | Exs mum cut my daughter's hair!!

Singlemum90 · 2022-02-06T20:50:07+00:00

I have 2 DC's with ex. He lives with his parents and has children 1 night a week-so they stay in his parents house with him. He has lived there since we split years ago. The rest of the time children are with me and DH and our youngest child. So ex had the kids his night this weekend and daughter returns with her hair cut! I'd say 6 inches of her beautiful long blonde hair all gone. I was obviously shocked and asked had he taken her to the hairdresser. Nope, his mum had decided she needed a hair cut, booked an appointment for DD, and told the hairdresser she wanted it all chopped off. Previously long hair is now shoulder length. DD isn't upset but doesn't like it as it was shorter than she wanted but granny had the final say. Her hair had not been cut in a year but I had literally just booked her brother in for a haircut the day before and had planned me & my DD would get booked in this week as we could both use a trim. She had lovely thick long blonde hair so was in no way bad looking or stragily-i assume his mum just didn't like the length. He can't understand why I am absolutely fuming!! Neither can his mum by the sounds of it. AIBU to think that his mum had no right to take my daughter without my permission to get her hair cut !?! I asked DD had she asked to have her hair cut and she said no but his mum said she needed it done. Why would she think thats her decision!? It's so much shorter! I really don't like it, she looks so different. Ex wasn't there as had taken other DC out for the day so it was all his mum. Apparently she had booked the appointment a few weeks ago so had plenty of opportunity to ask if I was ok with it or what way she should have it done or if I wanted to take her myself but nope, she just completely bypassed me!!

EmmaGracemum · 07/02/2022 20:15

She’s not just ‘ex’s mum’, she’s her grandmother.
If the child’s father said it’s okay, then it’s okay. I don’t blame you for being upset but there’s nothing to be done about this.

WomanStanleyWoman · 07/02/2022 20:27

@cheninblanc

I think the thing that stands out most for me is that as a family her father and his mum have had your dd hair cut, and in your original post your quick to point out he does nothing. So they've done something, a job, cared for her and your still unhappy. They've had her hair cut, they've cared for the child, it certainly isn't abuse as some have suggested

I don’t consider forcing a child to have a drastic haircut she didn’t want ‘caring’.

Wednesdayafternoon · 07/02/2022 20:45

I would be absolutely furious, really and truly so.
Having that much hair cut is a massive deal, why or why would her Nanna think it's appropriate to do that without talking to you?!?!!

Yes her Dad was there, and genetically he may be an equal but you are the primary carer as much as anyone may want to skirt around it. A big deal like this and you should've been consulted!

It's absolutely awful and I'm so upset for you!

I

Wednesdayafternoon · 07/02/2022 21:01

Sorry to return to this thread but I have more to add 😅🙈
I had 6 inches of my hair cut off my hair recently. It was a massive deal. I remember having my hair cut long today short when I was little, I also remember this being a HUGE deal.

Those making out Nanna was doing a nice bonding experience... come onnnnnn! Cutting that much hair off is massive and it's so disrespectful to the mum who looks after the child 90% of the time to not discuss before hand!

OP I am so sorry this happened to you. I'm a single parent too and maybe that's why I've reacted like this as I would be devastated if I wasn't involved in this!

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2022 22:33

@CrinklyCraggy

What if her long hair was her pride and joy?

Well that's my point. Why would you teach your daughter that her biggest "pride" is the way she looks?

It isn't 'taught'

One of my DGD had really long hair and would have hated having it cut - her choice, not her mother's. She was pretty relaxed about what her daughter wore or how she looked. Children are capable of deciding for themselves

Why is it ok for the child's grandmother to overrule what she wants to do with her own hair?

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2022 22:34

@Dillydollydingdong

You're being ridiculous, OP. The hair will grow again. It's not as though your dd came home with tattoos or piercings. And as other pps have said, would you expect to have to get the father's consent before you got dd's hair cut? No, of course not!

What if grandma decided she'd look cute with pierced ears?

Northernlurker · 07/02/2022 22:37

The kid has two parents. This happened on his watch and he's fine with it. That's what happens when parents are no longer together. So if you've got red lines eg piercing make sure you make that absolutely clear.

lisaandalan · 07/02/2022 23:28

I'd be fuming unless she asked first. X

sweetbellyhigh · 07/02/2022 23:46

@cheninblanc

I think the thing that stands out most for me is that as a family her father and his mum have had your dd hair cut, and in your original post your quick to point out he does nothing. So they've done something, a job, cared for her and your still unhappy. They've had her hair cut, they've cared for the child, it certainly isn't abuse as some have suggested

What utter rubbish.

Ex and his mum have shown contempt for the mother by railroading the child into a drastic haircut.

Nothing caring about that, it reeks control

sweetbellyhigh · 07/02/2022 23:47

@Dillydollydingdong

You're being ridiculous, OP. The hair will grow again. It's not as though your dd came home with tattoos or piercings. And as other pps have said, would you expect to have to get the father's consent before you got dd's hair cut? No, of course not!

No she is not being ridiculous, you are. In fa t you are gaslighting and it's not cool.

Clearly you have never had someone strong arm your young child into doing something that neither you nor they wanted.

pollyglot · 08/02/2022 00:18

Sorry, but I consider this to be assault, if the girl gave in under duress from the MIL. She arranged it deliberately to bypass the child's mother. For an 8-year old, the time to grow it back to how it was can be interminable, and pretty upsetting.

phoenixrosehere · 08/02/2022 02:41

You're being ridiculous, OP. The hair will grow again. It's not as though your dd came home with tattoos or piercings.
And as other pps have said, would you expect to have to get the father's consent before you got dd's hair cut? No, of course not!

How many times does it need to be said? MIl didn’t have EITHER parents’ consent nor the child and booked the appt in ADVANCE without telling anyone.

That is out of order, no matter how much you want to argue equal parenting or her family relation. MIL is not a parent. It was none of her business and she could have asked beforehand but she chose not to because she wanted things her way and still doesn’t see how she should have asked the parents.She is not entitled to make such decisions and just because her son was happy about it AFTER the fact doesn’t make it right.

thirdfiddle · 08/02/2022 04:20

It seems that the dad is delegating parental responsibility to gran on his watch. I don't think OP has any control over that. It's an unfortunate fact of coparenting that the other parent doesn't always do things the way you would want.

Now, if gran was over-pushy then it's her own relationship with granddaughter that she's jeopardising. Her loss.

Child is not a dress up doll for mum or gran. She's a person and priority right now is helping her see the upsides of her new do, reassuring her that if she prefers it longer 6 inches will grow back in a year, and letting her know it's her choice and in future she can say no to gran or hairdresser or mum herself if she doesn't want a trim.

LonglostWeasley · 08/02/2022 10:34

I don’t understand all the posters carping on about parents getting equal say. In our house the people who get a say in the kids hair are the people who have to deal with the upkeep and daily styling of the hair and the people who’s hair it is. DP struggles with coordination in his hands so hairstyling is down to me. DDs hair needs to stay up for school, this works best either bob length when little tidy pigtails stay in or long so that it can be plaited or put in a bun or pony tail. At in between lengths it doesn’t look as tidy or stay up the same and it’s hard work because then we get more nits and DD hates it. The final say is down to DD though because it’s her hair so she gets to choose between the styles that work. DS deals with his own hair daily as he is a bit older now so as long as it can be tidy for school it’s up to him how he wants it.

If OP is dealing with all the daily styling and they aren’t taking into account her DDs opinion either then I really don’t think they should get to make decisions like that just because ex is her DDs parent too.

Wednesdayafternoon · 08/02/2022 13:44

@LonglostWeasley

I don’t understand all the posters carping on about parents getting equal say. In our house the people who get a say in the kids hair are the people who have to deal with the upkeep and daily styling of the hair and the people who’s hair it is. DP struggles with coordination in his hands so hairstyling is down to me. DDs hair needs to stay up for school, this works best either bob length when little tidy pigtails stay in or long so that it can be plaited or put in a bun or pony tail. At in between lengths it doesn’t look as tidy or stay up the same and it’s hard work because then we get more nits and DD hates it. The final say is down to DD though because it’s her hair so she gets to choose between the styles that work. DS deals with his own hair daily as he is a bit older now so as long as it can be tidy for school it’s up to him how he wants it.

If OP is dealing with all the daily styling and they aren’t taking into account her DDs opinion either then I really don’t think they should get to make decisions like that just because ex is her DDs parent too.

EXACTLY

Why would a dad who had the child 1 NIGHT A WEEK make such a massive decision.
It isn't even equal say, equal say would be talking about it and coming to an agreement. He has just done what he wanted!
Absolute bullshit!!!!!

WarmWinterSun · 08/02/2022 13:50

I would be annoyed too. But I think it’s a little worrying that you say you don’t like how her hair looks now and are explaining how beautiful it was before. This seems a little unhealthy. She isn’t a doll…

Dishwashersaurous · 08/02/2022 14:15

Isn't the most concerning thing that the daughter didn't feel able to say no.

There must have been a conversation with the hairdresser about what to do, and the eight year old should have felt able to say. I only want a little bit cut off.

Doratheexploret · 08/02/2022 14:39

I’d be absolutely livid! She had absolutely no right to do that without asking you regardless of whether their dad said it was ok.

thatsnotmyslimfast · 08/02/2022 23:01

YANBU - she shouldn’t even take her for a trim without asking you first. But 6 inches, whoa, there’s crossing the line and there’s being so far past the line that I don’t even know how your ex or her can’t understand why you have reacted the way you have. What gave her the right to make that decision?

For those saying it’s only hair and it’s not a big deal, that’s a year’s worth of hair growth chopped off in one go against the daughter’s wishes and without consulting the mum. Bang out of order!

It’s a power thing!

My dad would take me to the hairdressers and tell the hairdresser to chop under reasonably large amounts off and would say things like “it needed a good cut”, when it clearly didn’t, he was just doing it to be an arse. And then he started dating a woman who was a hairdresser and she said she was just going to trim my hair, but chopped it off to my collarbone, but she had already made the few few snips before I realised, so it was too late!

I’ve been that kid, and now as a level headed adult, I know it was a power complex. Your daughter will remember all these things, believe me, and she will hold it against them.