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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exs mum cut my daughter's hair!!

169 replies

Singlemum90 · 06/02/2022 20:50

I have 2 DC's with ex. He lives with his parents and has children 1 night a week-so they stay in his parents house with him. He has lived there since we split years ago. The rest of the time children are with me and DH and our youngest child.

So ex had the kids his night this weekend and daughter returns with her hair cut! I'd say 6 inches of her beautiful long blonde hair all gone. I was obviously shocked and asked had he taken her to the hairdresser. Nope, his mum had decided she needed a hair cut, booked an appointment for DD, and told the hairdresser she wanted it all chopped off. Previously long hair is now shoulder length. DD isn't upset but doesn't like it as it was shorter than she wanted but granny had the final say. Her hair had not been cut in a year but I had literally just booked her brother in for a haircut the day before and had planned me & my DD would get booked in this week as we could both use a trim. She had lovely thick long blonde hair so was in no way bad looking or stragily-i assume his mum just didn't like the length.

He can't understand why I am absolutely fuming!! Neither can his mum by the sounds of it. AIBU to think that his mum had no right to take my daughter without my permission to get her hair cut !?! I asked DD had she asked to have her hair cut and she said no but his mum said she needed it done. Why would she think thats her decision!? It's so much shorter! I really don't like it, she looks so different. Ex wasn't there as had taken other DC out for the day so it was all his mum. Apparently she had booked the appointment a few weeks ago so had plenty of opportunity to ask if I was ok with it or what way she should have it done or if I wanted to take her myself but nope, she just completely bypassed me!!

OP posts:
cheninblanc · 07/02/2022 09:27

If it hadn't been cut in a year it most likely needed cutting and this is why she did it probably. I always have my sd hair cut, her mum would leave it but it's messy and dead at the ends so I book and pay for it. Mum objected once but didn't really have a argument given her hair hadn't been cut in six months and was a mess. It's hair, it needed cutting and now it's been done, maybe not to your taste but it'll grow. If your ex had agreed he's as much an equal right to say as you

Westfacing · 07/02/2022 09:38

Just because the ex as the father has the right to get the child's hair cut, it's surely not the right of his mother to take it upon herself - the father is unlikely to have instigated the cut.

I'm always taken aback on threads like this when posters think an OP is being unreasonable - most mothers would be upset at their child coming back with 6 inches off their hair!

There was a recent thread where the ex was still in bed at noon and the 8 year old was having to amuse herself while the lazy arse snoozed. Not a problem according to some posters!

AliceS1994 · 07/02/2022 10:02

Your ex is an equal parent and so it wouldn't think it's necessarily critical that he has your permission to have her hair cut- you wouldn't expect to have to ask him first, right?

That being said, it is really rude and as a courtesy I would expect this to be run by your first!

phoenixrosehere · 07/02/2022 10:06

It also really frustrates me when some MNers completely fail to read even the most basic information. The OP made it perfectly clear on several occasions that her ex didn’t instigate the haircut; his mother did. Yet still people trot out ‘Why shouldn’t her dad have a say in his daughter’s hair?!’ Is it really too difficult to just read?

For far too many it is despite the option to read all of OP posts. They might as well take it away considering the number of people who can’t be bothered to use it.

Blossomtoes · 07/02/2022 12:15

@SartresSoul

YANBU, this sounds like abusive behaviour. If it were just a small trim then fair enough but she’s totally changed the style against your DD’s wishes. Very wrong, I’d be fuming too.
Only on MN could a haircut be classified as abuse. So tone deaf and disrespectful to people experiencing actual abuse.
Frazzled2207 · 07/02/2022 12:23

I’d be fuming too and agree she’s overstepped but as pp have said any decisions while she’s in the care of her df are his responsibility

I would say as diplomatically as possible to her dp “seeing as I am her primary carer please do let me know if you are planning on getting your mum to cut her hair again so that we can discuss it first”.
I would also expect an apology from the MiL.

Eleganz · 07/02/2022 12:51

Given the continuing debate does OP clear up whether her ex was happy for his mother to do this? Given he is not bother sounds like he was.

There has been a lot of hyperbole on this thread into what amounts to an slightly over enthusiastic trim that the parent who was looking after the child appeared to be okay with. It is annoying and probably suggests that communication between the parents needs to improve, but it is not abusive, it is not some kind of breach of anyone's rights and it is not some irreversible change.

I think a lot of people on her assume that primary carer means you have some ability to demand consultation and trump the other parent's decisions about their child while they are with them. Yes, there are certain circumstances where clear agreement between both parents is advised or required but a haircut isn't one of them. Beyond that it is a matter of agreement and compromise or you are going to spend a lot of your life pissed off.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 07/02/2022 12:58

I'm always taken aback on threads like this when posters think an OP is being unreasonable - most mothers would be upset at their child coming back with 6 inches off their hair!

Why though? I wouldn’t, because it’s only hair. Why are mothers so invested in their daughters hair?

Monopolyiscrap · 07/02/2022 13:18

@Eleganz

Given the continuing debate does OP clear up whether her ex was happy for his mother to do this? Given he is not bother sounds like he was.

There has been a lot of hyperbole on this thread into what amounts to an slightly over enthusiastic trim that the parent who was looking after the child appeared to be okay with. It is annoying and probably suggests that communication between the parents needs to improve, but it is not abusive, it is not some kind of breach of anyone's rights and it is not some irreversible change.

I think a lot of people on her assume that primary carer means you have some ability to demand consultation and trump the other parent's decisions about their child while they are with them. Yes, there are certain circumstances where clear agreement between both parents is advised or required but a haircut isn't one of them. Beyond that it is a matter of agreement and compromise or you are going to spend a lot of your life pissed off.

I agree with this. I would be pleased it had saved me a job.
Blueberryflavour · 07/02/2022 13:40

As a grandma I wouldn’t dream of doing something like this, it would be totally over stepping. I am wondering though how much of the parenting of your DD is her dad leaving his mother to do during their contact time with their dad. If he’s expecting her to look after them, feed them, wash their clothes etc just to make his life easier, maybe the boundaries have become a little blurred esp as he didn’t really care about the hair cut til you raised the issue. She still shouldn’t have done it though.

billy1966 · 07/02/2022 13:50

So both parents didn't know or agree to this?

And your 8 year old child didn't want it?

To say I would be apoplectic, is putting it mildly.

You want to do something that drives the point home to her?

Report her to 101 and ask their advice.

Your 8 year old didn't want this done but she insisted.

What an awful woman.

I wouldn't dream of cutting a 5 year olds hair if they didn't want it cut.

I think she was very wrong to do this.

No respect for her granddaughter and no respect for her parents.

She is an absolute disgrace.

billy1966 · 07/02/2022 13:52

This is NOT about long hair.

This is about doing something a child didn't want and the parents didn't know about, and didn't agree to.

WomanStanleyWoman · 07/02/2022 14:39

I would be pleased it had saved me a job.

But it didn’t save the OP a job, did it? To have saved her a job, the MIL would have to have done something the OP was planning to do herself. If she’d been planning to cut six inches off her daughter’s hair, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

If you’d been thinking about painting the walls green and you came home to find your ex-MIL had painted them yellow, would you think ‘Ooh, saved me a job!’? Would you buggery!

onedayoranother · 07/02/2022 15:16

Fir those who say you are overreacting /he's an equal parent etc - but he didn't do it did he? Would he have thought to take them? Probably not, and if he did he should have passed it by you.
His mother, who apparently decided and took her there, made the decision and she had no right to. And I don't care about this equal parenting bit - you should have been asked.

phoenixrosehere · 07/02/2022 15:20

Why though? I wouldn’t, because it’s only hair. Why are mothers so invested in their daughters hair?

It’s more than just the hair. Did you read the OP’s posts?

MIL planned this weeks ago without either parent or the child knowing. The child didn’t ask for this and was told by MIL she was getting her hair cut because it was necessary and MIL decided on how SHE felt ger granddaughter should look.

Would you really accept someone doing something to your child without either you or their father’s permission that alters their appearance?

I would not and I have sons with curly, long hair.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 07/02/2022 16:20

Would you really accept someone doing something to your child without either you or their father’s permission that alters their appearance?

Yes, if they had my child’s consent. The issue here is that the child didn’t want it.

Which brings me back to why hairdressers cut hair according to the (female) with the child, and don’t ask the child.

I had a whole childhood of haircuts I hated, because my mum booked and insisted I had it how she wanted. I actually hated the hairdresser more than the dentist, and quite often found it more painful.

phoenixrosehere · 07/02/2022 16:33

Yes, if they had my child’s consent. The issue here is that the child didn’t want it.

I agree.

whysoserious123 · 07/02/2022 16:40

Dad said yes then there is no issue

Dad has rights too

Veryworried22 · 07/02/2022 16:42

The hair itself wouldn't bother me. I'd be more upset that the child didn't actually want it done but their autonomy wasn't respected. That's disgraceful.

Frazzled2207 · 07/02/2022 16:49

@Veryworried22

The hair itself wouldn't bother me. I'd be more upset that the child didn't actually want it done but their autonomy wasn't respected. That's disgraceful.
But many kids never want their hair cut. Does that mean we never take them for a haircut unless they actively want one?
HailAdrian · 07/02/2022 16:50

It really only matters that your dd feels able to say 'yes' or 'no' regarding her own hair..

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2022 16:59

@cheninblanc

If it hadn't been cut in a year it most likely needed cutting and this is why she did it probably. I always have my sd hair cut, her mum would leave it but it's messy and dead at the ends so I book and pay for it. Mum objected once but didn't really have a argument given her hair hadn't been cut in six months and was a mess. It's hair, it needed cutting and now it's been done, maybe not to your taste but it'll grow. If your ex had agreed he's as much an equal right to say as you
Was your SD and her father happy with the cut? How old is she?

Was it because of cost that her mother didn't get it done?

Otherwise, boundaries way overstepped.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2022 17:00

@whysoserious123

Dad said yes then there is no issue

Dad has rights too

Dad said Yes AFTER THE EVENT

So it would have been tough shit if he'd objected, wouldn't it. The woman didn't ask!

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2022 17:04

@Nomoreusernames1244

I'm always taken aback on threads like this when posters think an OP is being unreasonable - most mothers would be upset at their child coming back with 6 inches off their hair!

Why though? I wouldn’t, because it’s only hair. Why are mothers so invested in their daughters hair?

Because most mothers (not all) dress their children in a certain way and style their hair in a certain way. Either because they like it, or ease of wear/practicality or they think it suits the child.

MiL overruled that.

Do you just dress your child in any old random stuff or clothes you and they like?

bigbeatmanifesto · 07/02/2022 17:06

No I am with you on this very weird to not have asked both parents how they felt about it and then too cut so much off!
A trim fine but 6 inches is just taking the piss.