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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exs mum cut my daughter's hair!!

169 replies

Singlemum90 · 06/02/2022 20:50

I have 2 DC's with ex. He lives with his parents and has children 1 night a week-so they stay in his parents house with him. He has lived there since we split years ago. The rest of the time children are with me and DH and our youngest child.

So ex had the kids his night this weekend and daughter returns with her hair cut! I'd say 6 inches of her beautiful long blonde hair all gone. I was obviously shocked and asked had he taken her to the hairdresser. Nope, his mum had decided she needed a hair cut, booked an appointment for DD, and told the hairdresser she wanted it all chopped off. Previously long hair is now shoulder length. DD isn't upset but doesn't like it as it was shorter than she wanted but granny had the final say. Her hair had not been cut in a year but I had literally just booked her brother in for a haircut the day before and had planned me & my DD would get booked in this week as we could both use a trim. She had lovely thick long blonde hair so was in no way bad looking or stragily-i assume his mum just didn't like the length.

He can't understand why I am absolutely fuming!! Neither can his mum by the sounds of it. AIBU to think that his mum had no right to take my daughter without my permission to get her hair cut !?! I asked DD had she asked to have her hair cut and she said no but his mum said she needed it done. Why would she think thats her decision!? It's so much shorter! I really don't like it, she looks so different. Ex wasn't there as had taken other DC out for the day so it was all his mum. Apparently she had booked the appointment a few weeks ago so had plenty of opportunity to ask if I was ok with it or what way she should have it done or if I wanted to take her myself but nope, she just completely bypassed me!!

OP posts:
CPGyellowwallpaper · 06/02/2022 21:35

I'm a single mum of a dd and I think you are massively overreacting.

Do you ask your ex before you take your dd to the hairdresser? I certainly don't ask my ex before either take our dd.

Presumably your exmil asked your ex. Be has clearly given the ok. He may only have them 1 night a week but he is still their parent so is equally capable of making decisions without checking with you.

Ultimately it is hair. It will grow back. It is t like she went out and got her tattooed

Bambi7 · 06/02/2022 21:38

I would go mental.

Poetrypatty · 06/02/2022 21:38

It's one thing the ex taking her though and another the MIL making such a decision.

C152 · 06/02/2022 21:38

YANBU to be angry and upset - I would be too. Also, it is way out of line for your ex's mum to have any sort of say over your DDs hair, let alone take it upon herself to take her to the hairdresser. That being said, if her dad had taken her, although still a shit thing to do, it wouldn't have been unreasonable, as he is responsible for DD when she is with him. You could perhaps have a chat about his mother over-stepping, but I suspect that would fall on totally deaf ears and may cause an unecessary argument between the two of you...so you'll just have to seethe silently, I'm afraid.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 06/02/2022 21:42

@Inspectorslack

I’m sorry but if your ex was ok with it there’s nothing you can do. I’d be raging too but it’ll grow.
Why?! Is he the only parent?!????
GrannytoaUnicorn · 06/02/2022 21:43

She wouldn't be seeing her EVERRRRR again off it were my DD

PurpleDaisies5 · 06/02/2022 21:43

I would also be raging.

Totally overstepping boundaries.

Original poster
Singlemum90 · 06/02/2022 21:43

I do understand it is hair and will regrow.
We are not equal parents in that he doesn't want to be. He defaults all work and decisions, expenses and time to me. He doesn't do decisions, doctors, hospital visits, dentists, hair, parent meetings, school plays, musical instruments, etc etc. That is me & my husband. It is sad for the children as they want him to be more involved but I cannot force him, so no I don't think he deserves equal say in a parenting decision (and neither does he normally! He will always say decisions are up to me) he is fun 1 night per week babysitter & he agrees on this. Thankfully normally we have a good relationship and I won't let this affect that but I am annoyed

OP posts:
Isthatthebestyoucando · 06/02/2022 21:43

People saying it will grow back are very naive, people behave like this as a power move, it will only grow back if the woman doesn't keep taking the little girl to have her hair cut over and over when the child is with her Dad.

Like the OP said it was booked weeks ago, it's a very big change and no one ran it past her in all of that time. That was obviously deliberately done.

SweetPetrichor · 06/02/2022 21:44

It’s hair, it’ll grow back. The obsession with girls long hair is always a bit creepy.

Original poster
Singlemum90 · 06/02/2022 21:46

Also ex was not asked by his mum either, told after the fact that it was arranged & didn't disagree, just didn't care either way

OP posts:
Isthatthebestyoucando · 06/02/2022 21:47

@SweetPetrichor

It’s hair, it’ll grow back. The obsession with girls long hair is always a bit creepy.
No it isn't, most little girls like their hair long did you miss this bit-

DD isn't upset but doesn't like it as it was shorter than she wanted but granny had the final say.

FredBair · 06/02/2022 21:49

No major decisions without first consulting you
A haircut is hardly a major decision. Choice of school perhaps but a haircut Confused.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 06/02/2022 21:49

@Singlemum90

I do understand it is hair and will regrow. We are not equal parents in that he doesn't want to be. He defaults all work and decisions, expenses and time to me. He doesn't do decisions, doctors, hospital visits, dentists, hair, parent meetings, school plays, musical instruments, etc etc. That is me & my husband. It is sad for the children as they want him to be more involved but I cannot force him, so no I don't think he deserves equal say in a parenting decision (and neither does he normally! He will always say decisions are up to me) he is fun 1 night per week babysitter & he agrees on this. Thankfully normally we have a good relationship and I won't let this affect that but I am annoyed
Please do not let that woman anywhere near your DD again. She sounds emotionally unstable & damaging. Your ex doesn't sound far off. What kind of example is he setting for your children by living with his parents?! What kind of example of men is this showing your DD?? That it's perfectly normal (& therefore acceptable) for men to be co-dependant & pretty useless??
ivykaty44 · 06/02/2022 21:50

What is concerning is that granny had the final say, the child should be able to make decisions about her personal appearance. To be treated in this way is unkind & not acceptable behaviour

Thecazelets · 06/02/2022 21:51

I'd be absolutely outraged too. It was not done innocently, and no-one cuts off a child's long hair without realising it's a big deal.

Original poster
Singlemum90 · 06/02/2022 21:52

A few people have said it's overstepping and the boundaries and that's it. It's just not her place in my head!

OP posts:
Shitfuckcommaetc · 06/02/2022 21:53

How old is DD? Is there any chance she wanted it shorted but didn't want to tell you?

MizzFizz · 06/02/2022 21:54

Ack that is awful - huge boundary stomp on your exMIL's part, but unfortunately I don't know if there's much you can do.

Try to focus on the reality of the situation - your ex doesn't see this kind of thing as an issue (and may never), so you don't have much control of these types of things during his 1 day a week. It's hair and will grow. You can say something but they may not agree and it's not going to help anyone to have a strained relationship over something like this which you can't control.

Your daughter is getting older... when you feel she's ready, I would have conversations with her about how she is allowed to say no to her grandmother (for age appropriate things) and to set boundaries...

Sorry, it really sucks OP... I'd be mad too....

Booboobibles · 06/02/2022 21:55

I’d be furious too. Those saying it’s just hair maybe haven’t had long hair themselves. I often have nightmares about mine being cut off.

It isn’t ok for your ex to make the decision because men aren’t usually bothered. His mum made the decision by herself and was disrespectful towards you.

It’s not like getting a boys hair cut, because (unless they like having long hair) that’s done so that it looks smart. Cutting off six inches of thick, healthy blonde hair is not going to improve it in any way and it’s a weird thing to do.

ivykaty44 · 06/02/2022 21:57

Booboobibles I can relate to dreams of having my long hair cut off, I had similar on occasions

EllaB22 · 06/02/2022 21:57

Given your ex also did not know about it I think it is a boundary overstep on his mums part.

SaySomethingMan · 06/02/2022 21:57

Not sure why you’d to tell us twice about how long and blonde her hair is. Even if it was short and dark, the answer would be the same.

If your ex was aware and gave consent and DD said at the time that she was happy with it, then yabu.

If mil just went off and cut it without asking your ex or DD, yanbu.
It’s only hair and will grow back. By all means speak out about boundaries crossed, if they’ve been but no point dragging it out.

HelloPanda12 · 06/02/2022 21:58

I’ll be honest I’d be losing my shit. If she took her for a trim then fair enough but to have your daughter returned to you with 80% less hair than you sent her with without being consulted first. And the poor girl doesn’t even like it so it’s unfair on her and a slap in the face for OP.

My dads ex girlfriend cut all of my long hair practically up to my chin when I was a kid without my mum knowing and my mum lost it in the middle of the street with my dad and as I was so upset and didn’t want her to cut it because I absolutely loved my hair my mum stopped him from seeing me for a few months until I wanted to go there again. I was distraught and it later came out when my dad and her were splitting up that she’d cut my hair out of spite for my mother and so I would look ugly. Charming woman.

NSA2103 · 06/02/2022 21:58

CPGyellowwallpaper's comment is spot on. Chill out. I think it's good for grannie to do something like with her granddaughter. No harm done.

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