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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exs mum cut my daughter's hair!!

169 replies

Singlemum90 · 06/02/2022 20:50

I have 2 DC's with ex. He lives with his parents and has children 1 night a week-so they stay in his parents house with him. He has lived there since we split years ago. The rest of the time children are with me and DH and our youngest child.

So ex had the kids his night this weekend and daughter returns with her hair cut! I'd say 6 inches of her beautiful long blonde hair all gone. I was obviously shocked and asked had he taken her to the hairdresser. Nope, his mum had decided she needed a hair cut, booked an appointment for DD, and told the hairdresser she wanted it all chopped off. Previously long hair is now shoulder length. DD isn't upset but doesn't like it as it was shorter than she wanted but granny had the final say. Her hair had not been cut in a year but I had literally just booked her brother in for a haircut the day before and had planned me & my DD would get booked in this week as we could both use a trim. She had lovely thick long blonde hair so was in no way bad looking or stragily-i assume his mum just didn't like the length.

He can't understand why I am absolutely fuming!! Neither can his mum by the sounds of it. AIBU to think that his mum had no right to take my daughter without my permission to get her hair cut !?! I asked DD had she asked to have her hair cut and she said no but his mum said she needed it done. Why would she think thats her decision!? It's so much shorter! I really don't like it, she looks so different. Ex wasn't there as had taken other DC out for the day so it was all his mum. Apparently she had booked the appointment a few weeks ago so had plenty of opportunity to ask if I was ok with it or what way she should have it done or if I wanted to take her myself but nope, she just completely bypassed me!!

OP posts:
sweetbellyhigh · 07/02/2022 17:07

You don't have to justify yourself in here with explanations about the quality of your daughter's hair or that you'd booked a haircut.

You have every right to feel angry. It is so inappropriate of the woman to have done this.

You are the primary parent, of course you should have been consulted.

I cannot contemplate having someone else's child's hair cut. She's the grandmother and yes maybe your ex agreed with her plan but it was disrespectful and actually controlling. He also sounds like a twat for allowing this.

CrinklyCraggy · 07/02/2022 17:07

It makes me really uncomfortable when parents are so concerned about their daughter's hair .

It's hair that will grow. Of all the things you're teaching your DD to care about, don't let her hair be the biggest. What else have you got this excited about?

DolphinFC · 07/02/2022 17:08

@GrannytoaUnicorn

She wouldn't be seeing her EVERRRRR again off it were my DD
You would have no right to stop her.
sweetbellyhigh · 07/02/2022 17:08

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo

Would you check with ex before taking your kids to the hairdresser?

Your ex is an equal parent. Ideally he should have spoken to you about a haircut, but you are overreacting IMO. It's only hair.

Her ex is very far from an equal parent. He has the children for a paltry night a week and palms them off to his mum. Pathetic.
Radziwill · 07/02/2022 17:20

"Abusive behaviour"?

"Report her to 101"?

I sometimes wonder if MN is a parallel universe.

DolphinFC · 07/02/2022 17:29

@Radziwill

"Abusive behaviour"?

"Report her to 101"?

I sometimes wonder if MN is a parallel universe.

Only on MN!Smile
sweetbellyhigh · 07/02/2022 17:33

@CrinklyCraggy

It makes me really uncomfortable when parents are so concerned about their daughter's hair .

It's hair that will grow. Of all the things you're teaching your DD to care about, don't let her hair be the biggest. What else have you got this excited about?

That's quite a strange comment imo.

It is normal for parents to see that their children's hair is cared for. What is not normal is for a grandmother to assume the role of managing the child's hair.

Big issue of consent here with the child's and the mother's wishes being ignored.

MajorCarolDanvers · 07/02/2022 17:34

I get why you are upset but if Dad gave permission then there's nothing you can do.

Did you seek Dad's permission for the hair cut you had planned?

CrinklyCraggy · 07/02/2022 17:34

I just think of all the things that cause a drama in this child's life, it's not good for her if her hair is one of the biggest.

TheChip · 07/02/2022 17:38

Dad did not give consent. He didn't know until after the hair had been cut.

The issue is a grandparent taking it upon themselves to decide when and how to cut OPs dd hair.

BatshitBanshee · 07/02/2022 17:38

There's a difference between the parent (exDH) making an appt and then the exMIL making an appointment because she decided to, not that she made the appointment after both parents agreeing to it. I wouldn't be trusting my DD in her care again.

A trim is one thing but six inches? Yeah I'd let exMIL have it. She's not a guardian and she is not the one sharing custody.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 07/02/2022 17:45

I wouldn't be trusting my DD in her care again

You’d have to stop her seeing her dad to make sure she was never in mil’s care.

Very much doubt a judge would allow contact to be cut because a child had a hair cut mum didn’t agree to.

BatshitBanshee · 07/02/2022 17:52

@Nomoreusernames1244

I wouldn't be trusting my DD in her care again

You’d have to stop her seeing her dad to make sure she was never in mil’s care.

Very much doubt a judge would allow contact to be cut because a child had a hair cut mum didn’t agree to.

I would put a stop to her taking DD out on her own. Just because exDH lives at the property and has the kids once a week for an overnight doesn't give her rights to access. Access is for him. Not his mother.
Nanny0gg · 07/02/2022 17:56

@MajorCarolDanvers

I get why you are upset but if Dad gave permission then there's nothing you can do.

Did you seek Dad's permission for the hair cut you had planned?

HE WASN'T ASKED

For the umpteenth time

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2022 17:57

@CrinklyCraggy

I just think of all the things that cause a drama in this child's life, it's not good for her if her hair is one of the biggest.
What if her long hair was her pride and joy?
CrinklyCraggy · 07/02/2022 18:02

What if her long hair was her pride and joy?

Well that's my point. Why would you teach your daughter that her biggest "pride" is the way she looks?

TulipsTwoLips · 07/02/2022 18:07

@badg3r

I think the biggest issue is that her gran put her own opinions first and dictated that your DD did something she didn't want to.
I agree with this.
AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 07/02/2022 18:08

Yes to be honest I agree with @KylieKoKo; agreement from your ex about his DD's life is just as valid a permission as agreement from you.

It's just because you don't like it short that it's an issue. Does your ExH not get a say?

Dillydollydingdong · 07/02/2022 18:08

You're being ridiculous, OP. The hair will grow again. It's not as though your dd came home with tattoos or piercings.
And as other pps have said, would you expect to have to get the father's consent before you got dd's hair cut? No, of course not!

Purple777 · 07/02/2022 18:41

YANBU. EX MIL is definitely overstepping the boundaries here. She booked the appointment and took the child, and then decided how much to have cut off. Very disrespectful to the mother and the child. It's not the grandparents job to get the kids hair cut, that is a parental role! I'd be fuming OP and would be making it clear it shouldn't be repeated.

cheninblanc · 07/02/2022 18:43

I think the thing that stands out most for me is that as a family her father and his mum have had your dd hair cut, and in your original post your quick to point out he does nothing. So they've done something, a job, cared for her and your still unhappy. They've had her hair cut, they've cared for the child, it certainly isn't abuse as some have suggested

cheninblanc · 07/02/2022 18:47

NannyOgg of course my husband is happy with it, it's a job done and the child is happy. I've no idea why her mum doesn't do it, but I do and it needs to be done so it is. It certainly doesn't create such drama with claims of abuse and if it is because of money its one less thing she has to worry about, and I sort it because I care for the child. Maybe that's all the grandmother saw, a child with unkempt hair that needed a cut and she had it done?

ZoeCM · 07/02/2022 19:53

You want to do something that drives the point home to her? Report her to 101 and ask their advice.

I'm not sure what advice the police would give on haircuts.

I'd like to see the 101 operator's face when they hear the words "My daughter's grandmother gave her a haircut."

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/02/2022 20:08

@NSA2103

CPGyellowwallpaper's comment is spot on. Chill out. I think it's good for grannie to do something like with her granddaughter. No harm done.
If this was a trim and a 'day out, both get our hair done' type experience and importantly, if the DC in question WANTED her hair cut... yeah.

That isn't what happened, the OP's DD was subjected to a hair cut she was not expecting, did not want, that went against her wishes, and thats before you get to the 'without the OP's permission' part, where she wilfully withheld the plan from the OP..

Thats not nice. Thats controlling and manipulative. Kids have very little control over their lives, length of their own hair is within reason, something they can have, surely!

Suzi888 · 07/02/2022 20:11

I’d hate it. I’d tell her never to do that again. Not her place.

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