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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exs mum cut my daughter's hair!!

169 replies

Singlemum90 · 06/02/2022 20:50

I have 2 DC's with ex. He lives with his parents and has children 1 night a week-so they stay in his parents house with him. He has lived there since we split years ago. The rest of the time children are with me and DH and our youngest child.

So ex had the kids his night this weekend and daughter returns with her hair cut! I'd say 6 inches of her beautiful long blonde hair all gone. I was obviously shocked and asked had he taken her to the hairdresser. Nope, his mum had decided she needed a hair cut, booked an appointment for DD, and told the hairdresser she wanted it all chopped off. Previously long hair is now shoulder length. DD isn't upset but doesn't like it as it was shorter than she wanted but granny had the final say. Her hair had not been cut in a year but I had literally just booked her brother in for a haircut the day before and had planned me & my DD would get booked in this week as we could both use a trim. She had lovely thick long blonde hair so was in no way bad looking or stragily-i assume his mum just didn't like the length.

He can't understand why I am absolutely fuming!! Neither can his mum by the sounds of it. AIBU to think that his mum had no right to take my daughter without my permission to get her hair cut !?! I asked DD had she asked to have her hair cut and she said no but his mum said she needed it done. Why would she think thats her decision!? It's so much shorter! I really don't like it, she looks so different. Ex wasn't there as had taken other DC out for the day so it was all his mum. Apparently she had booked the appointment a few weeks ago so had plenty of opportunity to ask if I was ok with it or what way she should have it done or if I wanted to take her myself but nope, she just completely bypassed me!!

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 06/02/2022 22:03

I bet that the MIL didnt consult with the XH before she made the appointment. I bet she just took her and then pronounced it as a done deed and the XH was not fussed either way.

I side quite often with in laws on these sorts of threads but on this, I'm with the OP

The MIL had no need to cut the hair. No one asked her to do so and she wasn't doing anyone a favour. She just doesn't like long hair and wanted to impose her will over the OP's on some sort of power trip. I know it's only hair, but if the DD had lovely long hair in good condition, it's such a shame to cut it short.

I would make it clear that you don't expect this sort of thing to happen again.

Tulips21 · 06/02/2022 22:04

My DGM did this to me actually..
I was 12 & had long hair haf way down my back.
She took me and had it cut above my shoulders- neither of my parents knew she had booked the appt.
My parents are married- they were furious.
I remember being really upset.

WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 22:07

It’s up to you or her dad whether she has her haircut not her grandma.

But considering it’s been booked for a while she could have had her sons consent.

I would be annoyed but I would drop it as you said yourself you were planning on getting it trimmed and the hairdressers always take off more than you want so and the hair will grow back so no harms been done.

StScholastica · 06/02/2022 22:07

That is outrageous and I imagine she is trying to assert some sort of suthority of control over her DGD.
She is completely mad and U guess you just have yo be grateful that it will grow back and its not a tattoo stating "I love my Granny".

toomuchlaundry · 06/02/2022 22:11

I think the issue is more that DD didn't want her hair cutting that short and her Grandma didn't listen to her

Ginger1982 · 06/02/2022 22:12

Massively overstepping in the circumstances you've described. I would have to say something. How do you get on with her normally?

Theunamedcat · 06/02/2022 22:14

@Cissyandflora

Are you asking your ex for permission to cut your son’s hair? You mentioned booking the appointment.

Also hair is just dead keratin. More will grow.

Nan didn't ask him for permission either
yikesanotherbooboo · 06/02/2022 22:29

DMil got one of my toddler DSea hairs cut. She knew I didn't wNt it as did DH but she was sure that she knew best. Arguing after the fact was pointless. Hair grows.
I am just saying this as I know how you feel. OTOH in this case your ex DMil may have felt she had permission and your ex is an equal parent so you need to be careful that you are not acting as if your parental decisions are the only ones that count.
It isn't an issue that is worth a fight.

Greyhare · 06/02/2022 22:30

Did your daughter maybe ask or say she wanted her cut to her gran but is too scared to tell you as she doesn't like it and thinks it's too short.

Midlifemusings · 06/02/2022 22:45

I guess it depends on how you function. You said you made an appointment to get DS's hair cut. Did you discuss that with your ex? If you normally discuss the kids hair cuts with each other - then he was out of line. It sounds like DD was okay with the cut although given your anger she may realize you want her to side with you against dad / grandma. If dad and DD had discussed cut and grandma took care of logistics, then not much you can do.

Original poster
Singlemum90 · 06/02/2022 22:46

No I did ask DD had she wanted her hair cut as it was ok if she had asked her gran and she said no. Gran just told her it needed cut & she was taking her

OP posts:
Original poster
Singlemum90 · 06/02/2022 22:52

Don't have much to do with her normally but has been issues of controlling/overstepping when I was with ex many moons ago.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 06/02/2022 22:54

How old is DD?

Original poster
Singlemum90 · 06/02/2022 22:57

DD is 8

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 06/02/2022 23:02

Utterly bizarre for your ex-mil to do this, massive, massive overstep.

Soontobe60 · 06/02/2022 23:06

I can imagine that as a result of your reaction, your DD may well be saying she didn’t want it cut so that you didn’t shout at her!
If her granny had permission of your ex, then there’s nothing you can do. Let it go.

ChargingBuck · 06/02/2022 23:08

Her hair had not been cut in a year but I had literally just booked her brother in for a haircut the day before

Did you ask your ex's permission to leave DD's hair to grow long?
Did you contact him before booking DS's haircut, to ask if it was ok with him?
Or did you just assume that you are Boss Parent & completely bypass him?

Cattitudes · 06/02/2022 23:14

I would be having more discussions with dd about bodily autonomy and that another time if granny says she is having anything done to her hair/body like that or ears pierced etc. and she is not happy then she needs to tell whoever is doing it that she doesn't want it and they do not have your permission.

I would be so tempted to get extensions, obviously I wouldn't due to the cost and the confusion for dd, but just imagining MIL's face seeing the hair long again would cheer me up!

Could it be that exH gets MIL to brush dd hair and she complains about knots? I can imagine that might be a reason why she decided to go for it. I used to keep suggesting a hair cut to one of mine for years because of the hassle of brushing it.

SmellinOfTroy · 06/02/2022 23:17

@Cryalot2

I would be fuming . Yes it is only hair and will grow. But I think clear rules must be laid down. Certainly gran should have no say in anything.

If your ex thinks her hair needs cut then he tells you and you can take her to her normal hairdresser.

No major decisions without first consulting you.

Is op allowed to get dds hair cut without asking ex?
Mintfullness · 06/02/2022 23:18

Let's see the fuck up job

BadHairDayExpert · 06/02/2022 23:24

Title misleading - should be ''Gran took granddaughter to hairdressers without permission''

AliceMcK · 06/02/2022 23:24

The biggest issue is the mil ignored her granddaughter’s wishes, she had no right to cut off the child’s hair against her wishes. I don’t even do that with my own DDs, they have always consented to hair cuts even from a young age. I’d be fuming especially as at 8 years old girls know how they want to look.

Catra · 06/02/2022 23:40

YANBU.

My mum decided to cut my 3 year old's fringe back in after 6 months of growing it out. God knows how she managed to get my daughter to sit still for long enough - the reason we grew it out in the first place was that she had epic meltdowns every time we approached her with the hairdressing scissors. When I asked Mum why she'd done it, she replied: 'well, I think she looks better with a fringe'! We grew the damn thing out again, but I was seething!

It was the first time Mum has ever looked after DD (I had a job interview and was desperate for childcare). I daren't ask her again, in case DD comes back with a mullet next time.

Namenic · 06/02/2022 23:43

It’s only hair. Your daughter is not upset.

Frazzled50yrold · 07/02/2022 00:05

I'd be furious, she planned this over a period of weeks but couldn't mention it to you.
It's about exerting control really, make it clear this can never happen again , neither can anything else which is image changing such as ear piercing.