Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are being rude?

283 replies

englishsongbird · 06/02/2022 12:42

DP and I have been together nearly 4 years (late 20s) and bought a house last year.

His parents live 1 hour away from us, mine live 5 hours away. Mine are coming for 3 days in Feb half term (I'm a teacher). They've never met his. They're a bit reclusive at the best of times - live in a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere with 2 dogs who are basically their substitute children since I left home.

DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart. I suggested to my parents that, when they come to stay, his should also come round to our house and we all go for a walk. My parents seemed very reluctant and when I asked why, my mum said it isn't normal or necessary for the two sets of parents to meet before their children are married and they don't see the point of meeting two people who they might not have anything in common with. I explained that I really want them to meet because it would be frankly weird for them to meet for the first time at our wedding and DP and I shouldn't be keeping our families separate. The response was that they will be too tired after their long journey and really just want to see me and DP.

DP is offended and angry at what he sees as rudeness towards his family and I happen to agree, but for all I know their perspective is normal and we're all being a bit sensitive. AIBU?

OP posts:
bigbeatmanifesto · 06/02/2022 12:44

My mum didn't meet DH's parents until we were in the hospital at the birth of our first child.
I kind of see where they are coming from but in your circumstances with the distance between it could be nice to maybe organise a dinner for you all.

username1293948 · 06/02/2022 12:45

Are they somewhat introverted?

Mamamia7962 · 06/02/2022 12:47

Yes they are being a bit rude, you're only going for a walk together. You could do it on the second day of their visit. Do you think it could be more that they're nervous but don't want to admit it?

Gizacluethen · 06/02/2022 12:47

Tbh I do agree with them. But it would be polite of them to agree to meet. It's one of those "I really don't want to and really don't see the point but it'd be rude to say no" type situations.
Our parents met at birthday celebrations a few times. They've barely spoken to eachother though, there's really no point.

Original poster
englishsongbird · 06/02/2022 12:48

Yes, they are introverted.

I have suggested that I cook a nice meal for everyone but the response to that is that because of Covid they aren't willing to be inside the house with DP's parents (despite the fact that I teach dozens of teenagers a day and DP works at a university)

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2022 12:48

I think it seems pretty normal and if they don’t want to meet someone then you shouldn’t force it. I don’t think they are being rude
If you get engaged etc then they can meet

Gizacluethen · 06/02/2022 12:48

Could you do a dinner instead of a walk?

WhatNoRaisins · 06/02/2022 12:48

I'd say antisocial rather than rude. This is normal for some families I think.

Sunnyday321 · 06/02/2022 12:49

Families , who'd have them !
When our two sets of parents met , it was at his parents. My dad was usually an ok man , but over tried to impress and became a little obnoxious , my poor mum say there fairly quiet so she looked 100% under the thumb.
I wouldn't say it was a great first meet !
Could you arrange to meet up in a coffee shop and make a pact with your dp that it will only last about an hour.Tell your parents they are not doing it for them , they would be doing it for you.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 06/02/2022 12:49

I don’t think my parents met DH’s parents until the night before our wedding which I don’t think is massively unusual. The opportunity just wasn’t there.
However it does seem a bit off that you’ve suggested a meet up and they’re refusing. It’s a walk, not a 2 week holiday in Benidorm together.

SartresSoul · 06/02/2022 12:49

They are being rude. Having said that, my Mum has only met IL’s at our wedding and they haven’t spent any time with one another since. Every family is different I guess, for us it’s normal to see my Mum and DH’s parents at separate times.

Gizacluethen · 06/02/2022 12:49

Sorry missed that. Honestly just leave them be I think. Do you think it'll go well if you force them to go on a walk they don't want to go on with people they've no interest meeting?

Coronado2 · 06/02/2022 12:50

I think they are being rude. His parents are asking to meetx they are visiting, refusing to do so is rude.

irene9 · 06/02/2022 12:50

Your mother is socially anxious and is frightened out of her wits at having to meet his parents. That's is what's going on there. She has to make up bullshit to cover it up.
Either that or she's ashamed of your Dad or worried he'll say the wrong thing and embarrass her in front of DHs parents.

QforCucumber · 06/02/2022 12:50

Dh and I have been together 11 years, married for 3, our parents didn’t meet each other until we had our first child 5 years ago - there was just no reason for them to have to meet and it didn’t happen organically, I’d hate to be forced into meeting with someone if I wasn’t really feeling I needed to.

GaspingGekko · 06/02/2022 12:51

We arranged a meeting for our parents in the run up to our wedding, just so the wedding wouldn't be the first time they met.
We've been married 11 years now and by chance my DM met DFIL just before xmas. But that's the only meeting since the wedding.

So from my perspective they aren't wrong. But equally it wouldn't hurt them to make an effort to meet them now. Do they get on with your DP? Do they have reason to think that your relationship won't last?

ScrumptiousBears · 06/02/2022 12:52

DP and I won't be getting married. Our DM (DF both died) have met but on his side reluctantly. She's a bit of a recluse and isn't massively interested in mixing. In fact twice now she's been so late for the DDS family birthday parties everyone had left by the time she arrived. 🤣

Dillydollydingdong · 06/02/2022 12:52

It takes all sorts, and your parents aren't the sociable type. That's fine, especially as they aren't likely to ever live close enough to be friends with your dp's parents. They'll meet at the wedding. They can't really get out of that, can they? Try not to make a big issue out of it.

Hankunamatata · 06/02/2022 12:53

Talk to dp parents and explain your parents are a bit unusual, it's just how they are.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/02/2022 12:54

I’d also be a bit upset OP but if they are introverts then they are probably very anxious about meeting them. I think covid has made introverts even more socially anxious now they are allowed to mix again. Not sure what the solution is though.

My parents met my in laws loads of times before and after we were married … looking back I think it must have been quite an ordeal for my lovely dad as he was a very shy man.

RedskyThisNight · 06/02/2022 12:55

There's no particular need for your parents to meet DP's parents if they don't want to.

And tbh assuming they don't see you very often because of the distance, they probably don't want to "waste" this time having to make small talk with total strangers.

shoofly · 06/02/2022 12:55

Honestly I think your parents are being rude. They may be introverted, they may not see the point, but you and your DP have bought a home together which means it's a serious relationship.
They don't have to become great friends and live in each others pockets, but their children are planning a life together so it's not at all unreasonable for them to meet.
I actually think they should just get on with it, ask them to suggest the least stressful way to get through this and then you can arrange it.

Hankunamatata · 06/02/2022 12:56

Would dp parents be amiable to come down, go out for lunch with your dp (you stay with your parents) and then meet them for coffee after. Explain to your parents its literally 30min coffee. They can leave coffee shop when they like.

TooWicked · 06/02/2022 12:58

I don’t think it’s that unusual these days for “in-laws” not to meet each other until circumstances, such as a wedding, force a meeting.

It’s a little strange for your folks to object to a short meeting while they are there for 3 days so I’d guess some kind of social anxiety, extreme introverts, perhaps by planning it you’ve made it seem a bigger event to them than it actually is.

With hindsight it might have been better for your boyfriends parents to have ‘unexpectedly’ called in for a quick coffee while they were passing.

SickAndTiredAgain · 06/02/2022 12:58

I think they’re being a little rude to actively avoid it when you’ve asked.

But I don’t think it’s that necessary for them to meet, and in your position I wouldn’t have suggested it. In fact, I didn’t, and they met at the wedding and it was fine.

Swipe left for the next trending thread