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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are being rude?

283 replies

englishsongbird · 06/02/2022 12:42

DP and I have been together nearly 4 years (late 20s) and bought a house last year.

His parents live 1 hour away from us, mine live 5 hours away. Mine are coming for 3 days in Feb half term (I'm a teacher). They've never met his. They're a bit reclusive at the best of times - live in a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere with 2 dogs who are basically their substitute children since I left home.

DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart. I suggested to my parents that, when they come to stay, his should also come round to our house and we all go for a walk. My parents seemed very reluctant and when I asked why, my mum said it isn't normal or necessary for the two sets of parents to meet before their children are married and they don't see the point of meeting two people who they might not have anything in common with. I explained that I really want them to meet because it would be frankly weird for them to meet for the first time at our wedding and DP and I shouldn't be keeping our families separate. The response was that they will be too tired after their long journey and really just want to see me and DP.

DP is offended and angry at what he sees as rudeness towards his family and I happen to agree, but for all I know their perspective is normal and we're all being a bit sensitive. AIBU?

OP posts:
SueSaid · 06/02/2022 13:35

Oh op chill out and give your parents a break. Tbh I wouldn't be impressed with your dp being so huffy and 'angry' about it, it doesn't bode well if he's so touchy.

Pils tend to meet the other parents at combined family dos, big birthdays weddings etc. There's really no need to force what would be an awkward walk as you know your parents are introverted.

dondon23 · 06/02/2022 13:37

You're not being unreasonable in the slightest. It's a walk, not a fortnight's holiday at the other side of the world.

It would be a common courtesy for them to respect your wishes and have a quick meet and greet - do they not like your partner?

How on earth will your parents cope at the wedding!

godmum56 · 06/02/2022 13:37

@TheViewFromTheCheapSeats

Out of the two sets of parents I’d actually find your DPs ruder. The pressure and trying to twist the story is unpleasant.
yes this.....I also wonder if DP's parents are also socially anxious but in a different way and think their son is ashamed of them?
Marmm · 06/02/2022 13:38

Your parents are clearly not big socialisers. I expect your pressure to meet is actually making it a lot harder if they are anxious about it. Maybe they want to see where your relationship goes before they meet his parents.

averythinline · 06/02/2022 13:39

I think you are being rude by trying to foist a situation on your parents they don't want...... they will have travelled 5 hours to see you.... and your dp not anyone else
Wtf makes your dp furious with them..! .. I think you are both quite lacking in empathy here.....
I can understand why they don't want to meet inside for dinner either...much higher risk....
they are already increasing their risk profile in terms of contact with you and your dp..... adding more people increases that and adding indoors adds more...
I know lots of people that are managing their exposure.... which is their choice....the rate is still 1000's/100000 in most areas ....just because bj says all well doesn't mean a thing...

Personally our parents met at our wedding and never again...many of my friends parents have never met

Marmm · 06/02/2022 13:39

@englishsongbird

Yes, they are introverted.

I have suggested that I cook a nice meal for everyone but the response to that is that because of Covid they aren't willing to be inside the house with DP's parents (despite the fact that I teach dozens of teenagers a day and DP works at a university)

That seems fair enough tbh. They aren't in a room with the teenagers are they just you their daughter
Crossornot · 06/02/2022 13:39

Your boyfriend’s parents obviously enjoy meeting new people (/being nosy…), and your parents obviously do not. That doesn’t make your parents rude, and in fact I think that your boyfriend and his parents’ pushiness is much ruder.

Give your mum and dad a break - and stand up for them!!

Goooglebox · 06/02/2022 13:40

Perhaps they think this is their time with you and they genuinely find it stressful to think of meeting new people. Perhaps they're hoping you won't end up with your partner and don't want to further cement the bond with pseudo wider family ties.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2022 13:41

Why are his parents so pushy and insistent on meeting yours? They are the ones being rude, imo. Then making this out to be such a big deal with the guilt trip. There is no reason whatsoever that your parents need to meet his. They are never going to be friends, and it's not as though your relationship depends on them meeting and liking each other. This whole situation is just weird. My parents didn't meet my in-laws until after I had been married for over two years.

ancientgran · 06/02/2022 13:41

I can sort of see both sides. I've got 4 adult children, I've met their partners parents but in all honesty the only thing we have in common is GC and I'm not doing the pick the granny competition which has been the situation at previous meetings, (thinking of one GF who almost knocked me over when I was picking up crying baby GC and he rushed over and shoved me out of the way.)

Having said that if I was staying with one of my DC and they said they were inviting someone over for a meal I'd go along with that.

The main pain about acquiring these new people is they started sending Christmas and birthday cards so I felt I should do the same. Now some have started with Christmas presents. Honestly I don't really know them and can't see the need.

usernotfound0000 · 06/02/2022 13:42

Mine and DHs parents only met before we got married once, then again on the wedding day and have never met again. Just no need for their paths to cross.

Goooglebox · 06/02/2022 13:42

I wouldn't feel like meeting someone I didn't want to meet just to stop them suggesting there was an elaborate plot to prevent us from meeting. I would feel...coerced and aggravated.

DuckonaBike · 06/02/2022 13:44

YANBU, it’s weird to refuse to meet. It’s just unfriendly, and it’s good to be friendly to people who matter to others in your family. They should make the effort.

I’m quite surprised at the number of people who think it’s OK. I will say for MN, it’s good for making me realise that how ever weird my own parents are, some other people are much weirder.

DDivaStar · 06/02/2022 13:44

I don't think its unusual to meet before a wedding, after all not everyone plans to marry. Sounds like your parents aren't used to.socialising much and are still pretty carefully covid wise.

It does sound rude to refuse the meet now its been suggested and of course you make a very valid point about covid risk. However if you insist on the meeting it could be very awkward.....

irene9 · 06/02/2022 13:44

People aren't 'rude' just to be intentionally rude. They act in a rude way because of something else bothering them. If your mother is anxious then what helps is to offer a meeting that has time limits and has a way to escape. So a walk sounds good. Tell her it's important to you that they meet.

Marmm · 06/02/2022 13:45

Maybe they don't like your boyfriend and assume his parents will be like him

RitaFires · 06/02/2022 13:46

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I think it is very peculiar behaviour. Nobody is asking them to go clubbing or on holiday together, just to show their faces and say hello.

The responses on this thread surprise me, and I wonder if this is one of those English things that make no sense at all to Irish people.

I'm Irish and I don't understand why her parents should have to spend part of their three day visit to their daughter with her partners parents.

It sounds like they're not sociable and it's a 5 hour journey, why not wait for an occasion or a do a more casual meet up at another time. It seems much ruder to try and force them to spend time with each other against their will. They might also see it as the partner's parents being unwilling to allow them anytime with the couple alone, and lording how much more time they get to spend with them over them. If his parents see them very regularly it's not really very nice to muscle in one of the rare occasions her parents get to visit.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/02/2022 13:47

Not rude, just introverted

I have no desire to meet strangers unless I absolutely had to - if DD's partner wanted me to meet her parents I'd likely go along with it but I'd hate it and would try everything to get out of it

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/02/2022 13:48

Give your mum and dad a break - and stand up for them!

I wouldn't be standing up for my parents if they were behaving so oddly. I would be disappointed in them tbh.

Cocolapew · 06/02/2022 13:49

Our parents didn't meet until the wedding and we all live in the same town. They never met again and we've been married 27 years.

FredBair · 06/02/2022 13:51

If it were my DC I'd be nervous but happy to meet them. DH would hate it but reluctantly agree.
I imagine your parents are like DH who has become even more reclusive since covid.
All you are asking is that everyone goes for a walk together, it's not as if they are all going to be staying overnight. I think your parents should bend a little and agree to it. I hope your DH hasn't told his parents about their reluctance as they may feel offended and it will all be very uncomfortable.

Emsie1987 · 06/02/2022 13:56

Me and my husband were together 14 years (met at 18) before we got married and our parents never met apart from a wave in the distance until we got married. They are not the same type of people, don't spend anytime together unless it's a party that we have hosted like for our son. No one takes offence. It would be nice to hAve one of those big nice happy families but it can't be forced. I would maybe ask why is it necessary to meet? What benefits do you think it will create? It seems from their views already meeting they are polo opposite so the meeting will unlikely draw them closer. I
Wouldnt consider your parents rude they just don't see the need to meet.

TidyDancer · 06/02/2022 13:57

I think your DP's parents are actually ruder here for trying to insist on the meeting. A very short meeting isn't unreasonable but there's no real need for it that I can see.

My DM has met my DP's DM (both dads are long dead) a fair few times but they live less than 15 miles apart and both quite chatty and sociable. DP's family generally are a bit more extroverted so tend to engineer the contact but it's comfortable on both sides and that's what's key.

I don't think this should be forced. It doesn't make for a good future relationship.

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/02/2022 13:58

DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart.

This is weird on their side.

While my mum and the in-laws met before we married.
My mum and I laws had no interest in meeting it was more it happened as my mum lives very near us.

QuirkyTurtle · 06/02/2022 13:59

My parents didn't think it was important to meet my SO's parents before we were at least engaged either. They weren't super pumped about it when I suggested it. But it was important to me and therefore they did it, and even drove to another country to do so (I'm an immigrant in the UK).

Ask yourself how important this is to you that you'd want to make your parents uncomfortable.

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