To think my parents are being rude?

[englishsongbird]

DP and I have been together nearly 4 years (late 20s) and bought a house last year.

His parents live 1 hour away from us, mine live 5 hours away. Mine are coming for 3 days in Feb half term (I'm a teacher). They've never met his. They're a bit reclusive at the best of times - live in a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere with 2 dogs who are basically their substitute children since I left home.

DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart. I suggested to my parents that, when they come to stay, his should also come round to our house and we all go for a walk. My parents seemed very reluctant and when I asked why, my mum said it isn't normal or necessary for the two sets of parents to meet before their children are married and they don't see the point of meeting two people who they might not have anything in common with. I explained that I really want them to meet because it would be frankly weird for them to meet for the first time at our wedding and DP and I shouldn't be keeping our families separate. The response was that they will be too tired after their long journey and really just want to see me and DP.

DP is offended and angry at what he sees as rudeness towards his family and I happen to agree, but for all I know their perspective is normal and we're all being a bit sensitive. AIBU?

Sorry but they're not in-laws. They are boyfriend's parents. The OP didn't mention being engaged let alone married.

Is it rude not to want to spend time with people that you haven't met?

We used to see my in-laws about twice a year, once being the Summer in Spain (they lived there half the year).

MIL wanted to invite friends over for dinner while we were there and asked if I minded. I said that I'd much rather not.

We hadn't seen them for months, weren't there for long and I'd rather not spend one of our few nights making small talk. Could she not invite them over once we'd gone.

Was that rude? She did ask my opinion so I gave it.

@LovePoppy - Declining an invite because you don't want to meet people is not a polite excuse. They have caused others to feel upset due to being impolite. It's basically the dictionary definition of rude.

My parents & Inlaws didn't meet until we got married 10 years into our relationship. Stop forcing it.

Your mother is socially anxious and is frightened out of her wits at having to meet his parents. That's is what's going on there. She has to make up bullshit to cover it up.

This

Why haven’t you explained their social anxiety to your bf? Corona has provided a legitimate excuse not to socialise and not everyone saw that as a negative. In the absence of an explanation or context their behaviour does appear rude. So explain. Your DP and his parents don’t have to like it but forcing the issue is in no one’s best interest. Are you ashamed by their social awkwardness?

I honestly don't think this is at all unusual! I mean...why are you forcing grown adults into a meeting that they don't want? Are you even engaged OP?

I wouldn't want this myself...I abhor small talk with strangers! Hate 'walking' in these kind of forced jolly circumstances! They won't actually chat on this forced walk! Your parents will branch off and his parents will feel affronted, you and your DH will end up rowing about it all later! It's not going to go well 🤷‍♀️

Introverts can't just change because someone wants them to.

In 20 years of being together my parents have met DPs parents once. That was briefly at DCs first birthday party. They are very different people and don't really have anything in common.

That said, if they thought it was important to me they would definitely go for a walk or similar with them. But as it is I don't really see the point of them spending time together.

Your poor parents. I hate all this forcing you to do something you don't want to do, in the name of etiquette or whatever. They don't want to. Live and let live.

[quote JustUseTheDoorSanta]@LovePoppy - Declining an invite because you don't want to meet people is not a polite excuse. They have caused others to feel upset due to being impolite. It's basically the dictionary definition of rude.[/quote]
So they need to put themselves in an uncomfortable position to be “polite”??

Who does that serve?

By that standard the partners parents should stop asking because they are making her parents feel bad

If the OH's DP keep on asking after they get a reasonable explanation, then yes that would also be rude. The problem is that they didn't actually get a reasonable explanation yet. Some equate it with being asked to meet random friends or neighbours, as though someone's parents are meaningless and worthless. If you come from a close family where it's normal to spend time together, then it suggests either they don't like the OH (offensive), don't think it will last (offensive), or don't think family matters (troubling because they raised OP). They are trying to find the least offensive response that it's their DS who isn't setting it up yet, rather than acknowledge that these people think they have no value, because they don't have the context about these people staying home in their quiet village seeing nobody. If OP explains to them that her parents are recluses who are anxious meeting anyone new, so leave it to another time, then that should be enough for them.

If you come from a close family where it's normal to spend time together, then it suggests either they don't like the OH (offensive), don't think it will last (offensive), or don't think family matters (troubling because they raised OP)

That's just not true @JustUseTheDoorSanta

There is no evidence that OPs parents don't value family time or their dd's partner and their relationship.

Perhaps like many others they simply don't see that family connection extending to the wider family of their dd's "in laws".

Why is it rude not to want to meet them?
Unkind? Perhaps. But not rude?
We don’t owe other people our time

“We don’t really have the time” = Not rude

“I have no desire to/can’t be bothered to/ just don’t want to meet these people” = Rude.

So they need to put themselves in an uncomfortable position to be “polite”??

Yes. As adults we are expected to do things like this all the time.

But why @BoredZelda? In this particular scenario. One set of parents want to meet, one don't. Why does the parents who want to meet trump the others?

How many times does it need repeating? OP's parents have said that unless it's a wedding they aren't interested. It doesn't matter to them that it's important to OP, nor her OH, nor his parents. To some people, family is an important concept, suggesting the OH's parents do not matter is rude because it's intentionally hurtful. They won't be damaged by a half hour walk or coffee, but they've chosen to needlessly upset 4 people instead.

My parents and Inlaws don't even speak the same language and have met plenty. I find this strange. Why wouldn't you want to meet your daughter's partner's parents???

Who defines “reasonable explanation”?

I think their explanation is reasonable. As do others.

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

How many times does it need repeating? OP's parents have said that unless it's a wedding they aren't interested. It doesn't matter to them that it's important to OP, nor her OH, nor his parents. To some people, family is an important concept, suggesting the OH's parents do not matter is rude because it's intentionally hurtful. They won't be damaged by a half hour walk or coffee, but they've chosen to needlessly upset 4 people instead.

Family can still be important without meeting your child’s partners parents.

I lived with an ex for 4 years. Our families lived in the same city. They never met. There was never a need. Our families were important to us, but they weren’t family to each other.

I think they should meet. My and my husband's parents did, snd my parents lived abroad most of the year!
I think it's odd your parents can't give up two hours to meet the parents of the man you plan to marry. Introverts or not, surely it would make the wedding celebrations easier? And the covid thing is just sn excuse.

If your DC's partner would like you to meet his/her parents, then it's polite and considerate to facilitate this.

I don't understand why so many people are placing a DC's de facto PILs way below just about any new people that life or work has you meeting.
Most of us come across any number of new people over the space of a year. But the parents-in-law of your child should be lucky if you give them five minutes a decade. And then probably only at the wedding or something.

I can understand that you want them to meet but it does sound as if they don't have any choice.

Your partners family are making little digs at him?
Doesn't sound very nice.

Your partner is very angry?

Doesn't sound very nice.

I think a little bit of kindness and understanding of your parents would go along way.

I would be far more concerned at your partner being so angry.

Now that sounds very off to me.

I d ask them what the would feel comfortable doing. It would be nice for them to meet But If your folks aren't sociable I think understand why they would not want to. Being out of their comfort zone is probably a lot to begin with.

@Dishwashersaurous

Another one saying didn't meet until the wedding. Met twice in maybe twenty years.

Just no need. But if the others have actively wanted to then a brief coffee outside would surely be OK.

But if they don't want to then you can't make them

Exactly the same for us. We have no kids so there hasn’t been a big occasion to all get together for since we were married nearly 20 years ago, and they met once before that so they wouldn’t be strangers on the day. We are the only thing they have in common - all lovely people but very different and wouldn’t normally find each other in the same social situations, so it would be very unnatural to force it.

I met DDs in laws at the wedding, and never met them since. Just never had cause to.
Younger d’s dp’s parents I’ve met twice, once intentionally , once accidentally. Again, not really bothered if we meet again. Will be polite and jolly if we do but I don’t want to be best mates with them.

I can see your parents really don’t seem to want other people in their lives but as they’re visiting you it’s a bit rude not to accept an invitation to meet your dp’s parents. If your dps aren’t into walking could you arrange a meal at home, pub meal or afternoon tea somewhere?

I don't know why you're getting stick from posters here. Your PILs and DP sound lovely. My parents are like yours and a bit introverted and unsocial. I'd just explain truth to PIL. Its not personal against them.

I think it is odd not to meet the other set of parents. Unless logistics prevent it.

My parents and PIL met at our engagement and at other times throughout the intervening years. It doesn't have to be a great or intense friendship, but politeness and cordiality cost nothing and oil the wheels of any family.

We have carried this on with our own children and their inlaws.

I can't really see what the issue is, you meet up, you chat, you have then fulfilled the 'obligation'. Surely anyone who is an adult can manage such a low level of social interaction?