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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are being rude?

283 replies

englishsongbird · 06/02/2022 12:42

DP and I have been together nearly 4 years (late 20s) and bought a house last year.

His parents live 1 hour away from us, mine live 5 hours away. Mine are coming for 3 days in Feb half term (I'm a teacher). They've never met his. They're a bit reclusive at the best of times - live in a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere with 2 dogs who are basically their substitute children since I left home.

DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart. I suggested to my parents that, when they come to stay, his should also come round to our house and we all go for a walk. My parents seemed very reluctant and when I asked why, my mum said it isn't normal or necessary for the two sets of parents to meet before their children are married and they don't see the point of meeting two people who they might not have anything in common with. I explained that I really want them to meet because it would be frankly weird for them to meet for the first time at our wedding and DP and I shouldn't be keeping our families separate. The response was that they will be too tired after their long journey and really just want to see me and DP.

DP is offended and angry at what he sees as rudeness towards his family and I happen to agree, but for all I know their perspective is normal and we're all being a bit sensitive. AIBU?

OP posts:
Himawarigirl · 06/02/2022 14:26

It is rude but my parents are the same. My in laws would love to spend more time with my them but my parents, although outwardly pretty normal, can be such odd fish and make casual social invitations into something much more complicated. So I’ve just told my dh to leave it and fortunately his parents don’t push it. My in laws are wonderful but quite eccentric and I think my mum in particular is intimidated by them and everything just gets more stressful in her head than it needs to as a result. That said, they did make an effort to meet up before we got married and I think it would be odd for them to only meet at your wedding for the first time. Their visit does sounds like the ideal opportunity from that point of view.

ajandjjmum · 06/02/2022 14:28

@JennieLee

My parents did not meet my sister in law's parents until the night before my brother's wedding.

Later SIL told me that her parents were so appalled by my father that they checked with her, as to whether she really wanted to go through with the wedding, assuring her it wasn't too late to cancel.

I could absolutely see where her parents were coming from.

That's sad, but obviously a very valid reason for them not to meet earlier.
SeptemberAlexandra · 06/02/2022 14:28

YABU

They aren't rude, they're antisocial. Some people like to mix, some very much don't.That's OK. It would be unkind to force them to socialise with strangers when they're having a 10 hour round trip to see you.

Be upfront with your DP's parents - "Mum and Dad pretty much keep to themselves and aren't comfortable meeting new people. They don't mean to be insulting, they're just very private."

^ 100% agree with this.

You are being rude and unfair to your parents when all they want to do is visit you. You seem more concerned about keeping your pushy future in laws and DP happy and are happy to throw your parents under the bus by calling them rude.

MatildaJayne · 06/02/2022 14:29

My PIL met my parents at my wedding and then never again! They only live 3 miles apart but they had nothing in common. I wouldn’t force it.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2022 14:29

@JennieLee

My parents did not meet my sister in law's parents until the night before my brother's wedding.

Later SIL told me that her parents were so appalled by my father that they checked with her, as to whether she really wanted to go through with the wedding, assuring her it wasn't too late to cancel.

I could absolutely see where her parents were coming from.

Did your SIL's parents think that she was marrying your father? 🙄

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

sadpapercourtesan · 06/02/2022 14:31

I think it's your DP's parents who need to knock it off tbh. They're nagging about it and accusing your DP of keeping the families separate? They sound insufferable.

You and your DP are the ones in the relationship. Not your parents. They owe your DP's family nothing and I would stop badgering them about it.

Monopolyiscrap · 06/02/2022 14:36

Just a bit of advice. Life is easier if both you and DP can treat the way both sets of parents are, as their own eccentricities. Getting angry, branding someone rude, and making these things into a big deal, will not help your family life.
I suspect the disconnect comes from very different ideas of family. Your DPs parents may see your parents as a family now. While your parents don't see your in-laws as their family.

Qwill · 06/02/2022 14:36

Married, bought a house, had a baby and our parents have still not met!! They don’t live near each other so it’s never happened organically. Nobody has even mentioned it, I wouldn’t have thought about it either until this post!

FredWinnie · 06/02/2022 14:38

YABU
Your DH sounds very unreasonable
Agree with PP that DH's parents sound difficult
Your parents aren't being rude; they're asserting healthy boundaries
You and DH on the other hand sound a little bit overbearing, needy and clingy

(Sorry but I'm speaking from a similar experience here)

noirchatsdeux · 06/02/2022 14:38

My ex ILs never met my mother (my father has been out of our lives for 30 years).

I know they expected her to travel to the UK for our wedding - my mother lives in Australia - but my mother wasn't actually invited to the wedding. It's a long story, but I didn't want her there for good reasons and my ex H fully supported me. Sometimes my late MIL would mention saying hello to my mother on the phone when I called her at Christmas, but it never actually happened.

My now partner's father has made some comments regarding my lack of involvement with both my parents...like I told my partner, it's none of his fucking business. I'd suggest your DP and his parents need to be reminded of that as well.

TatianaBis · 06/02/2022 14:38

@Monopolyiscrap

Just a bit of advice. Life is easier if both you and DP can treat the way both sets of parents are, as their own eccentricities. Getting angry, branding someone rude, and making these things into a big deal, will not help your family life. I suspect the disconnect comes from very different ideas of family. Your DPs parents may see your parents as a family now. While your parents don't see your in-laws as their family.
Equally different ideas of life - one family is sociable and sees reluctance to socialise as a snub; the other family is very introverted and sees pressure to socialise as stressful and seeks to avoid.
Monopolyiscrap · 06/02/2022 14:38

And my parents and the in-laws had nothing really to do with each other. They are VERY different. My parents are a bit alternative, my DPs parents are very old fashioned and traditional. I think his parents were probably a bit horrified at my parents. Both sets of parents are in reality kids people. But they had zero in common apart from talk about the GC and the weather.

diddl · 06/02/2022 14:40

Is your partner getting grief from his parents Op?

Why are both of you thinking that your parents should capitulate to appease his?

Monopolyiscrap · 06/02/2022 14:40

@TatianaBis That is a good point.
You have to learn to roll with this kind of stuff to have a nice life. Getting worked up about very different ideas around family and ways of living is a one way street to unnecessary drama.

stuntbubbles · 06/02/2022 14:41

I’m with your mum. Why do they need to meet? You’re going out with him so you have to meet his parents; they don’t.

My parents have never met DP’s parents and we’ve been together seven years and have a child. Don’t live in the same area so they’d all have to travel specially to meet – but can’t see why it would be necessary to arrange that.

LondonWolf · 06/02/2022 14:43

I don't think it's necessary or particularly unusual tbh. Some families do it some don't 🤷🏼‍♀️

Suprima · 06/02/2022 14:45

His parents seem like absolute nags- ‘separating the families’. It’s very common for families to meet once a wedding is announced.

Their DS should be popping the question if they want the families to ‘come together’ tbh. Based on what your mum has said, I imagine she is probably wondering if it will ever happen.

diddl · 06/02/2022 14:47

When I was younger I used to think how nice it would be to be married & have my parents & his parents for Christmas & all one big "happy family".

Then I met my (now) ILs & realised it was never going to happen!

luckylavender · 06/02/2022 14:49

I don't think your parents are rude at all. They just don't see the need. Each to his own. Don't force them.

MsWalterMitty · 06/02/2022 14:54

I’ve been with dh for 18yrs and our parents have only ever met once… when our eldest had his 1st birthday party. Even then it was by coincidence.

There’s no point if they don’t want to

Juletide · 06/02/2022 14:56

They're unsociable, not antisocial, very different meanings.

I'm with them, stop ruining their visit.

Laiste · 06/02/2022 14:56

I think it's a bit rude, if people have expressed that they want to meet you (as have the DPs parents) to have basically said no! Hmm

Having said that it will probably be weird despite everyone's best intentions. We had to introduce my 'always imitates the queen when meeting strangers' DM to my DHs very easy going down to earth parents and it was strange and stressful (i had warned PILs to be but still ... Hmm ugh).

debwong · 06/02/2022 14:57

It seems rude to me, yes, and a bit odd. Meeting DP's parents is only a social courtesy. We all have to do things we don't particularly want to do from time to time and this should not be difficult.

AuntEater · 06/02/2022 14:57

No they are not being rude, they are coming to see you not DHs parents.

teatime9999 · 06/02/2022 14:59

My parents and in-laws make an effort, but they'll never be close because they have absolutely nothing in common. If there were introverts in either set, it would be mean to force them to socialise together. Your parents sound like they're really only used to being around each other, so they could be very uncomfortable. I'm not introverted but can empathise.

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