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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are being rude?

283 replies

englishsongbird · 06/02/2022 12:42

DP and I have been together nearly 4 years (late 20s) and bought a house last year.

His parents live 1 hour away from us, mine live 5 hours away. Mine are coming for 3 days in Feb half term (I'm a teacher). They've never met his. They're a bit reclusive at the best of times - live in a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere with 2 dogs who are basically their substitute children since I left home.

DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart. I suggested to my parents that, when they come to stay, his should also come round to our house and we all go for a walk. My parents seemed very reluctant and when I asked why, my mum said it isn't normal or necessary for the two sets of parents to meet before their children are married and they don't see the point of meeting two people who they might not have anything in common with. I explained that I really want them to meet because it would be frankly weird for them to meet for the first time at our wedding and DP and I shouldn't be keeping our families separate. The response was that they will be too tired after their long journey and really just want to see me and DP.

DP is offended and angry at what he sees as rudeness towards his family and I happen to agree, but for all I know their perspective is normal and we're all being a bit sensitive. AIBU?

OP posts:
SmithofSilver · 06/02/2022 13:20

My parents have only met dhs parents twice maybe and we have been together for 20 years. The first time was at the birth of our first child. My parents live hours away so it has just never really been a thing. I've never actually thought about it or thought that it was weird? They aren't really anything to do with each other and they are very different people who would never be friends or anything.

diddl · 06/02/2022 13:22

"DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart."

Hmm

Why are they so desperate to meet up?

How often do they think that they'll be meeting up such that they "need" to meet now?

TatianaBis · 06/02/2022 13:22

They're obviously just very antisocial people and can't cope with socialising. I would explain that to your DP some people are just introverted and awkward & find socialising hard - with more life experience he would get it.

That said, it's only a walk, they could just pull their finger out.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/02/2022 13:22

My parents and in-laws have only met once - for about three hours on our wedding day.

That was three and a half years ago and they've never seen or spoken to each other since Grin they only live about 40 minutes apart, too.

That's normal to me. I'd find it much stranger if they wanted to all hang out and have coffee together, lol.

godmum56 · 06/02/2022 13:23

I don't think they mean to be rude although it could look that way....the thing is even if you do get a meeting sorted somehow and it goes ok, its not going to change who they are. I think your partner needs to accept that your parents and his parents are not the same and need dealing with differently.

HMG107 · 06/02/2022 13:23

I agree with @IcicleIcicle post.

Could your parents have social anxiety and have put their walls up to protect themselves? If they are in protection mode its hardly surprising - a lot of people, as this thread has shown, take social anxiety or a preference to keep themselves to themselves as a sign of rudeness or rejection, which just escalates the issue.

I've been married almost three years my in laws have never met my parents.

RedskyThisNight · 06/02/2022 13:23

OP - why do you think it's weird that the 2 families won't meet before the wedding when they live so far away?

Why is it so important to you that they meet when you know your parents don't want to?

Doomscrolling · 06/02/2022 13:23

YABU

They aren't rude, they're antisocial. Some people like to mix, some very much don't.That's OK. It would be unkind to force them to socialise with strangers when they're having a 10 hour round trip to see you.

Be upfront with your DP's parents - "Mum and Dad pretty much keep to themselves and aren't comfortable meeting new people. They don't mean to be insulting, they're just very private."

Cherrysoup · 06/02/2022 13:23

My parents travelled 5/6 hours to meet my fiancé’s parents when we were in pil’s hometown. I didn’t see the point, tbh, they were never going to have a relationship given the distance between them. I’m with your parents, I don’t see why they’d want to meet your pils.

Balaboostah · 06/02/2022 13:24

I think it's rude. Nothing in common? Apart from you and your DP! They don't have to be bosom buddies but since the invitation was extended, it would be only polite and respectful to accept. They are not random strangers but your inlaws! If you're planning kids, they'll have them in common too. I thought parents meeting when things get serious was pretty standard. I wonder if your gps ever met before your parents got married? I bet they did!

maggiecate · 06/02/2022 13:24

TBH I think his parents are being a bit rude by pushing the issue.

Your parents are introverts who prefer to keep themselves to themselves so I can’t think of anything more off putting for them than “DPs parents have been nagging us about meeting you.” They probably feel like they’re going to be interrogated or forced to give more of themselves than they’re comfortable with. Whether you agree with them or not they’re entitled to say we’d rather take things at our own pace.

His parents are the ones making this into a thing by pressing you both - whilst it’s lovely that they want to get to know your side of the family not everyone feels the need and they should accept that.

Twopandemicpregnancies · 06/02/2022 13:24

YANBU but it might not be that unusual. I have been with DP for almost 5 years and we have 1 toddler and am about to give birth to her sibling. Our DPs have never met each other. There hasn’t been a reason like a wedding or christening. They are like chalk and cheese so I see no reason to bring them together for a day of awkward small talk. Maybe we should though for the toddler’s birthday next month?

Dixiechickonhols · 06/02/2022 13:26

I think your parents sound socially awkward and it’s not an unreasonable request. They don’t have to have anything in common just be polite. I do think it comes over as rude.
Can you explain to parents that you see you and dp as long term and they will be occasionally together eg engagement party, wedding, christening, childrens parties and it would be nice if they met briefly informally - a walk or a coffee sounds low key.
Presumably you mention them to his parents and vice versa so nice to put a name to a face do to speak. Eg mil says she’s going to x place and you say my mum went last year and loved it.

Freebus · 06/02/2022 13:27

Mine met up a couple of times before our wedding. They didn't really get on. There was an argument btw the inlaws and my mum and stepdad. Not met since the wedding.

TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 06/02/2022 13:27

We’ve been married over 20 years and our parents have never met! No funniness or rudeness involved, just big distances and no massive urge on either side.

kritigirl · 06/02/2022 13:28

I think your parents are being rude. As adults we all have to do things we don't want to do sometimes. Also, we all do things for the people we love sometimes, that we don't want to do. It really isn't asking a lot to meet your partner's parents for an hour or so!

TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 06/02/2022 13:29

Out of the two sets of parents I’d actually find your DPs ruder. The pressure and trying to twist the story is unpleasant.

NoSquirrels · 06/02/2022 13:29

I think it’s the circumstances that are making it feel forced - you’ve made it all about the meeting being the thing, rather than them getting together at a social occasion that’s not all about them.

What you want is a nice birthday BBQ that lots of people, including future in-laws, are invited to.

Scbchl · 06/02/2022 13:31

Yeah they are being rude. I personally can't understand why they wouldn't want to meet people who are now part of your life and will eventually become your family if you marry.

StationaryMagpie · 06/02/2022 13:31

i think your parents are being a bit rude, but equally, its not on for his parents to be trying to force the issue either...

My parents never met my exH's until the wedding, and my brothers in-laws weren't in the picture til his fiance had a big birthday and both families were invited.

We certainly never facilitated a meeting just because, which seems to be what his parents are expecting.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/02/2022 13:32

I think it is very peculiar behaviour. Nobody is asking them to go clubbing or on holiday together, just to show their faces and say hello.

The responses on this thread surprise me, and I wonder if this is one of those English things that make no sense at all to Irish people.

ADisgruntledPelican · 06/02/2022 13:33

Does your DP need his parents' approval to marry you? Are they with-holding it until they meet your parents and decide your family is suitable? Because otherwise it's bizarre and rude that they are being so pushy when you hardly have any time with your parents.

littlebluetrain · 06/02/2022 13:34

I'm not sure why so many people are equating introversion with social anxiety. It is possible to be intoverted and sociable.

For whatever reason, it sounds like your parents are fearful.

Chickychoccyegg · 06/02/2022 13:35

I dont see why the parents have to meet.
Your parents are not being rude, they just have a different opinion, one that is completely valid.
My parents met my mil when i got engaged, then at our wedding, and that's it, that was over 20 years ago and they live in the same town, they are nothing to do with each other really, they send each other a Christmas card each year though.

lemmein · 06/02/2022 13:35

I wouldn't want to do this either so can totally relate to your mum - I hate forced meetings. If you force the issue she's likely to get 'covid' and cancel the visit altogether.

Just leave them be. I've been with my DP for 27 years and our parents have never met.