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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are being rude?

283 replies

englishsongbird · 06/02/2022 12:42

DP and I have been together nearly 4 years (late 20s) and bought a house last year.

His parents live 1 hour away from us, mine live 5 hours away. Mine are coming for 3 days in Feb half term (I'm a teacher). They've never met his. They're a bit reclusive at the best of times - live in a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere with 2 dogs who are basically their substitute children since I left home.

DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart. I suggested to my parents that, when they come to stay, his should also come round to our house and we all go for a walk. My parents seemed very reluctant and when I asked why, my mum said it isn't normal or necessary for the two sets of parents to meet before their children are married and they don't see the point of meeting two people who they might not have anything in common with. I explained that I really want them to meet because it would be frankly weird for them to meet for the first time at our wedding and DP and I shouldn't be keeping our families separate. The response was that they will be too tired after their long journey and really just want to see me and DP.

DP is offended and angry at what he sees as rudeness towards his family and I happen to agree, but for all I know their perspective is normal and we're all being a bit sensitive. AIBU?

OP posts:
Thehop · 06/02/2022 14:00

I’m with your parents. No need for them to meet. Especially if it would make your parents feel awkward. Leave it a while.

Whydoesthecatalwaysdothat · 06/02/2022 14:05

@littlebluetrain

I'm not sure why so many people are equating introversion with social anxiety. It is possible to be intoverted and sociable.

For whatever reason, it sounds like your parents are fearful.

^ this

Introverts gain energy by spending time alone. Too much socialising is draining. It doesn't mean they can't spend time with people or are shy.

I'm an introvert but according to your definition you would assume I am an extrovert. I'm not.

BluebellsGreenbells · 06/02/2022 14:06

What difference is an hours walk going to make in the scheme of things?

Leave them alone, they don’t need to be involved in his family.

Honeyroar · 06/02/2022 14:07

I think they’re being a bit rude and pathetic. I can see why your partner is offended. They might be coming a long way and wanting to spend time with you, but they can’t sit through a meal with you OH’s parents and make a little small talk?? If I was your OH I wouldn’t be putting much effort into your parents anymore!

diddl · 06/02/2022 14:07

I have a circle of friends that I'm happy with & not bothered about adding to it.

So if I could get on well enough with my kid's SO's parents when we happened to meet up, that would do me.

I wouldn't be bothered abut a forced meet up though.

Coyoacan · 06/02/2022 14:08

Why do they have to meet?

My dd has had different boyfriends that, for her sake, I've made friends with and then when they fall out I'm not allowed to continue the friendship with them.

Adult children seem to think we should be friends with whoever they want us to be friends with and give up those friendships at the drop of a hat. Sod that for a game of soldiers

thecatsthecats · 06/02/2022 14:08

Given that people move a lot these days and marriages are no longer a contractual exchange of property, I think it's fairly normal for in laws not to meet.

Mine and DH's exchange Christmas cards these days, but that's about it. Much preferable to my sister's situation, where unbeknownst to her, my parents and her in laws trade complaints about her and her husband behind her back! (they are terrible time keepers)

We wouldn't want our parents to be close anyway. They're very different kinds of people, both kinds probably finding the other quite mad. For example, DH parents are constantly asking us if we watch Gogglebox, whilst I had to explain the concept to mine. Apart from breathing oxygen and living on food and water, they have nothing in common, and it would be hard work for all concerned to arrange a day that suited them all.

Coffeeshopcake · 06/02/2022 14:10

Personally I see no reason why they ought to meet other than faux politeness.

Our parents only met when we married and never have since. They have nothing in common, don't live nearby, have their own friends. Dh and I married each other, it doesn't mean that our families need become friends.

Dhs parents are friendly with bils family and spend the whole time slagging them off.

What's the point?

Rosebel · 06/02/2022 14:11

I don't think it's rude. Your parents don't want to meet up, why should they?
My parents met ILs just before my DD was born. Since then they have met up at our wedding and kids birthdays.
Just let them be.

CoastalWave · 06/02/2022 14:11

Meh. Mine have only met once - at our wedding.

Really don't see the issue!

You're trying to force some huge extended family. Your folks are introverted as you said. Leave them alone!

diddl · 06/02/2022 14:12

I think your partner is weird for being offended & angry.

Does he realise that not everyone is interested in your parents?

MaudieandMe · 06/02/2022 14:13

It’s not Eastenders. There’s zero need for the parents of adult DC to meet up in my opinion, unless they really want to. Let your parents visit you in peace without foisting an unnecessary meeting with complete strangers onto them.

I met oldest adult DC’s in-laws when he got married. I met second adult DC in-laws when his girlfriend graduated as I was working at the same University and arranged for them to have VIP seats at the graduation. I’ve not seen her dad since then. However, her parents are divorced and remarried and I’ve never met either of the in-laws new partners and DC and partner have been living together for about 12 years now. I get on well with her mum though and we WhatsApp each other occasionally.

Bagelsandbrie · 06/02/2022 14:15

I can almost imagine my own dd writing this post about me and dh in the future. Blush

I don’t like meeting people. I like my dh and my family and that’s it and I am too old and too introverted to worry what others think of me. So no I wouldn’t want to meet the other parents. I’d want to spend time with my dd- and her partner as I would accept he’s part of the package but there would be no reason to try and be friends with his parents.

Blossomtoes · 06/02/2022 14:16

We didn’t meet our DiL’s parents until they were engaged. There was no need and nobody expected it. We dodge her mother as much as possible now, she’s an absolute Pita.

JennieLee · 06/02/2022 14:16

My parents did not meet my sister in law's parents until the night before my brother's wedding.

Later SIL told me that her parents were so appalled by my father that they checked with her, as to whether she really wanted to go through with the wedding, assuring her it wasn't too late to cancel.

I could absolutely see where her parents were coming from.

FlasherMcGruff · 06/02/2022 14:17

It is rude / unfriendly of them but clearly they are introverted and the prospect is causing them a lot of stress. They’ve already imagined a scenario where they have nothing to say / nothing in common and it sounds like they are worried it will all fall flat and be uncomfortable.

That said, extreme introverts can’t always hide behind avoidance and this is one situation where it’s quite clear that their discomfort is causing offence to others.

Can you explain the situation to your PIL? Can you help your parents by equipping them with topics that they can discuss or arrange for the meeting to take place where there are other distractions? I think walks are actually quite socially intense for introverts as once the scenery is commented on there are few distractions and silences are very pronounced.

Powaqa · 06/02/2022 14:17

Our parents met each other on our wedding day and have never interacted since then . I dont feel that that is either wrong or unusual.
I have seen my GDs other grandmother twice , once when she was born and the second time at my GDs birthday party. Both occasions were in my own home and she didn't acknowledge me at all.
Some people are just not very sociable and it shouldn't be forced.

bellsbuss · 06/02/2022 14:17

I find it unusual but only because from the start DH and I would invite both families to our birthday celebrations and other occasions. I thought that was normal but all families are different.

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/02/2022 14:18

My grandparents met at my parents wedding. Pil have never met my parents.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/02/2022 14:19

How old are your parents? 'Back in my day' it was pretty 'usual' that the parents didn't meet until the engagement was announced. I'm talking about parents who were born in in the late-teens through the early-thirties, still quite a 'traditional' generation. It was usually quite a 'thing' with the groom-to-be's parents hosting the bride's parents at dinner. My parents didn't meet my exH's parents until we were engaged in the early 70s, however they met now DH's parents early in our relationship in the early '80s, so I guess things have moved on.

Of course this was before living together was really socially acceptable, and is probably a pretty antiquated notion these days. It would be pretty silly now to not meet a live-in partner's parents.

That being said, if your parents don't want to meet DP's parents for whatever reason you shouldn't force it. I'd probably just tell DP's parents that it was nothing personal, it's just the way your parents are.

Mrstwiddle · 06/02/2022 14:19

I think it’s perfectly reasonable on your parents part, they’re coming to see you, not people who are essentially strangers.

Lolabray · 06/02/2022 14:20

That seems quite a selfish attitude from your parents to be honest.

marqueses · 06/02/2022 14:21

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I think it is very peculiar behaviour. Nobody is asking them to go clubbing or on holiday together, just to show their faces and say hello.

The responses on this thread surprise me, and I wonder if this is one of those English things that make no sense at all to Irish people.

Surely there are rude, shy and anti-social people in Ireland, you aren't all stereotypes of drunken uncles are you? Grin

Horses for courses, some people like to meet new people, others don't neither is right or wrong.

Your DP is being a bit precious to be offended, it's not like they met them once and said never again or are happily making plans to meet other strangers. Why is he making your parents anti social behaviour about him and his parents?

PrincessNutella · 06/02/2022 14:21

Yes, I do think they are being rude.

MintJulia · 06/02/2022 14:26

Your mum is obviously not the most confident person socially and she doesn't want to be pressured into a situation she is uncomfortable with.

I don't blame her. When she's ready and there's a reason to meet, I'm sure they will. Your DP is being a bit bullying and that's not very kind or understanding of him.

Give your mum the support she deserves.