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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my parents are being rude?

283 replies

englishsongbird · 06/02/2022 12:42

DP and I have been together nearly 4 years (late 20s) and bought a house last year.

His parents live 1 hour away from us, mine live 5 hours away. Mine are coming for 3 days in Feb half term (I'm a teacher). They've never met his. They're a bit reclusive at the best of times - live in a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere with 2 dogs who are basically their substitute children since I left home.

DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart. I suggested to my parents that, when they come to stay, his should also come round to our house and we all go for a walk. My parents seemed very reluctant and when I asked why, my mum said it isn't normal or necessary for the two sets of parents to meet before their children are married and they don't see the point of meeting two people who they might not have anything in common with. I explained that I really want them to meet because it would be frankly weird for them to meet for the first time at our wedding and DP and I shouldn't be keeping our families separate. The response was that they will be too tired after their long journey and really just want to see me and DP.

DP is offended and angry at what he sees as rudeness towards his family and I happen to agree, but for all I know their perspective is normal and we're all being a bit sensitive. AIBU?

OP posts:

greenlynx · 06/02/2022 12:59

I think @irene9 is right plus Covid on top.
I would leave it for a bit until summer, maybe a barbecue outside. My parents haven’t met DH’s parents until the wedding. They met him though.
Tell your partner do his parents want to check yours? They’ve met you and it’s fine.

Shadappayourface · 06/02/2022 13:00

Wow I'm really surprised by the number of people saying their parents never met the other parents until births or weddings.

I would think this very strange of your parents OP as they seem to be actively avoiding meeting his parents. In my opinion it's always nice for them to meet and get to know each other. Whilst my parents (liberal) are very different to his (conservative) they have a lot in common and get on really well. They even go for meals together. It really does make a difference if they get to know each other.

ughstress · 06/02/2022 13:00

I'd invite DPs parents round when yours are there, tough they are being extremely rude.

bigbluebus · 06/02/2022 13:01

My parents and DH's only met a few months before our wedding, at the wedding and then probably only a couple of times after that. They did exchange Christmas cards every year though and condolence cards as they died off. It was geography that kept them apart rather than an unwillingness to meet - although they were very different people so would never have been close friends.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 06/02/2022 13:01

@Shadappayourface

Wow I'm really surprised by the number of people saying their parents never met the other parents until births or weddings.

For a lot of people this just isn’t possible due to distance between them. My DH’s parents live in Spain, so they didn’t meet my parents until the wedding.

CeleriacOfTheNight · 06/02/2022 13:01

They probably don't mean to be rude, but I can see why your DP is offended.

I wouldn't force the walk, but I'd definitely invite his parents round for a coffee at some point (with windows open etc for the Covid thing).

ajandjjmum · 06/02/2022 13:03

A quick coffee in a coffee shop somewhere would be the way to go IMO. My DP invited DH's parents to theirs for a weekend (we were young and didn't have a home!!!), and although it was no doubt effort from both, it meant that they all had an OK relationship throughout, and were more comfortable with each other at our wedding, christenings etc.

They were very different people and would never have been close friends, but they rubbed along happily.

girlmom21 · 06/02/2022 13:04

Your parents aren't rude IMO.
I'd be annoyed if I travelled 5 hours to see my daughter and she then insisted I spent a third of my time with her partners parents.

My parents met MIL when DP parked outside their house taking her to a hospital appointment (my parents live a 5 min walk from the hospital) and met FIL when we went for a baby scan at a private clinic.

I don't see why they need to meet if your parents don't want to.

taxidermissy · 06/02/2022 13:05

My parents only meet my in-laws at our wedding and for lunch the next day. My mother and MIL have met once since after my first baby was born and that was 12 yrs ago !

Dishwashersaurous · 06/02/2022 13:09

Another one saying didn't meet until the wedding. Met twice in maybe twenty years.

Just no need. But if the others have actively wanted to then a brief coffee outside would surely be OK.

But if they don't want to then you can't make them

WimpoleHat · 06/02/2022 13:09

It’s not odd for them to have met - but not is it odd that they haven’t, if you see what I mean? But what is odd is to make a big deal of not wanting to meet them when what sounds like a natural opportunity has arisen (even if that is because DH’s parents are keen to meet up). So I do have some sympathy with your DH here.

Parpophone · 06/02/2022 13:11

@irene9

Your mother is socially anxious and is frightened out of her wits at having to meet his parents. That's is what's going on there. She has to make up bullshit to cover it up. Either that or she's ashamed of your Dad or worried he'll say the wrong thing and embarrass her in front of DHs parents.

@irene9 You have stated this as fact. How do you actually know this?

RosesAndHellebores · 06/02/2022 13:12

I think your parents are being both rude and odd. Mine met FIL and MIL when we were engaged. Admittedly they are 100s of miles apart and only saw each other at christenings and funerals after the wedding but yes they should meet.

DS is getting married this year. It was perfectly normal to meet the parents when they got engaged. We have met them since. I do think it's a relationship that requires boundaries though.

FrownedUpon · 06/02/2022 13:13

Just leave it be. I don’t see the need for them to meet. They obviously feel awkward & uncomfortable about it, so it’s unlikely to be a successful meet up.

IcicleIcicle · 06/02/2022 13:13

I've been married 18 years and my in-laws still haven't met my parents! We didn't have a wedding as such, just us and two witnesses at the registry office and didn't have DC christened so no events that would have brought them together and in-laws lived 200 miles away until recently so it's just never happened. I just think you and DP have parents at opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of how much contact they want/think is 'normal', neither are wrong, they're just very different.

Not sure how you handle it though, I'm pretty open with my in-laws and would probably just tell the truth, that your parents are very introverted, live a very isolated life and you think it would just be uncomfortable for everyone, which it sounds like it would be. You and DP obviously come from very different families and I don't think it's fair to label your parents rude because they don't conform to DP's family's way of doing things. I can be a little introverted and being forced into a meeting I didn't feel comfortable with would probably make me dread the whole visit, it would be a shame if this ended up spoiling your parents chance to spend time with you. Part of being married is accepting each other's families and all their quirks and I would be expecting a bit more understanding from your DP that not everyone is the same.

girlmom21 · 06/02/2022 13:14

It was perfectly normal to meet the parents when they got engaged.

But they're not engaged.

Cocomarine · 06/02/2022 13:14

In terms of what’s normal, actually I don’t know anyone who has made a point of introducing parents to each other before marriage. For many it’s happening naturally along the way - but no deliberate setting up. Some where there’s been a distance have down a “dinner before the wedding”, but most of my friends consider that oddly formal and forced these days.

They don’t need to meet each other, and as your parents clearly don’t want to, it’s your boyfriend who is being rude having a strop over it.

Gizacluethen · 06/02/2022 13:15

I keep coming back to this because I totally feel them.

They are being a bit rude. But also, everyone else is being rude to force them into doing something they don't want to.

Why is it always introverts that are being rude for not feeling comfortable and standing up for themselves. They don't want to do it, they won't enjoy it. Why should they?
It's rude to make someone do something they're not comfortable with.

PinkSyCo · 06/02/2022 13:15

My mum ( dad had already died) only met my (ex) in-laws once ( they did live 300 odd miles away mind you) over dinner and to be honest it was a little bit awkward-everyone on their best behaviour kinda thing, not fully relaxed, so I do understand why your parents are reluctant if they’re introverts and I think it’s unfair to push them. Let them relax and enjoy their wee break.

ADisgruntledPelican · 06/02/2022 13:15

They live 5 hours away. They're coming for 3 days. Of course they don't want to spend some of that with strangers. It's quite selfish of your DP and his family to ask and to try to intrude on your time together. Presumably DP's parents get to see you more frequently. They should allow your parents to have uninterrupted time with you. And I'd be concerned at your DP calling them 'rude'. Does he often kick off is people have their own boundaries ?

Fwiw the point of hen nights and show of presents was that the two families got to meet before the wedding. And I agree with your DPs that you aren't married or committed to marry, why should they spend time meeting people who (bluntly) are nothing to them?

A580Hojas · 06/02/2022 13:16

@Shadappayourface

Wow I'm really surprised by the number of people saying their parents never met the other parents until births or weddings.

It's not at all unusual if the couple come from different parts of the country (or different countries) and then settle somewhere else again. Why are you surprised? Presumably your parents and your inlaws live in the same area and you live there too.

Many young people choose to broaden their horizons.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2022 13:17

@CeleriacOfTheNight

They probably don't mean to be rude, but I can see why your DP is offended.

I wouldn't force the walk, but I'd definitely invite his parents round for a coffee at some point (with windows open etc for the Covid thing).

Even though the OP's parents, who have been invited to stay, will feel uncomfortable?

@englishsongbird Why the instance on meeting? If you get married, other than the wedding, how often are they likely to see each other?

We met the other in-laws when the children got engaged. We meet one set quite regularly (they are very sociable) the others, not seen more than a couple of times.
My parents met DH's on the eve of our wedding. It did not go well (long story and they didn't know!)

Lesperance · 06/02/2022 13:18

It would be good manners on their part to agree to meet your in laws. A sign of acceptance of your DP. I can see why he would be upset at their refusal.

girlmom21 · 06/02/2022 13:19

Out of curiosity, OP, how much effort does DP make with your parents?

Merryoldgoat · 06/02/2022 13:20

I don’t really understand why they need to meet. My family and DH family only met randomly as both sets came to see us in a play and then at our wedding.

Caught each other at visits for new arrivals but otherwise no need really.

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