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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Integrity7 · 12/02/2022 19:57

"screaming"

LovedayCL · 12/02/2022 20:15

Or ‘Oh they already sent me the invite for that, thanks, see you there.’

Get her thinking Grin

Bumpy23 · 12/02/2022 20:44

I'd just completely blank her. She wants you to engage one way or another.
Don't, it'll enrage her more that you clearly do need or want to be manipulated by her.

Bumpy23 · 12/02/2022 20:45

*do not!!

CatonaHotTinWoof · 12/02/2022 20:52

If that behaviour has never been presented, relayed back to her, or discussed, your friend might not be aware of the impact. And I totally get how awkward confrontations are, especially spelling out behaviour that you’re the recipient of.

However, the fact that you’re genuinely feeling hurt and upset, means its time to assess the value of said friendship and weigh up pros and cons.

There’s obviously a somewhat vindictive insecure streak that makes her want to spell out to various people “hey look, I don’t need you to be happy!’ which she’d probably be unable to even articulate to herself. The source is usually jealousy of sort borne of some kind of insecurity.

An option is to explain (next time you see her face to face) how it made you feel, everything, from seeing the FB posts, and to it how made you doubt and question yourself. If people are really insecure or feel worthless inside- it doesn’t occur to them that people could be hurt by their actions and omissions.

MrsTrumpton · 12/02/2022 21:03

Don’t mention her birthday as PP have suggested when you decline the invite, it sounds petulant and will play into her hands.

I’d leave it a couple of days then reply with a breezy “sorry, life’s a bit manic at the moment. Can’t do dinner but see you soon.” Then just grey rock/withdraw.

whysonasty · 12/02/2022 21:03

@surreygirl1987

I agree with other posters. A simple 'no thank you' and 'I hope you enjoyed your 50th. Take care'.
I’d say this. It’s the sort of reply I’ve given before (different reason). It’s polite and unemotional, yet makes it clear you’re done with it now.

Don’t get drawn into back and forths with her, OP. You both know what’s going on and it may not be beneath her to carry on the facade but it’s beneath you. Just give her that then end communication for good. If you see her out, polite and neutral “hi, how are you” then walk away. Once you cut her out you’ll wonder why you bothered with her for so long. Hopefully it will inspire others to do the same and finally end that ridiculous woman’s power trip for good.

something2say · 12/02/2022 21:06

It's so sad isn't it. Why can't the message be...Hi, I'm a bit surprised to receive your message after you had a party but didn't invite me. Why are you now trying to invite me somewhere after slighting me?

At least that is straight forward and true.

But it leads to awkwardness socially, which they caused and you now have to deal with! And yes, the crowd goes to the one with the greater social value. I hate crap like this.

TarpaulinEyes · 12/02/2022 21:17

Reply to her, 'Work very busy at the moment, lots of commitments, get back to you when less mad' then don't

NotTerfNorCis · 12/02/2022 21:20

Ignore and block. It's what she deserves.

UniversalAunt · 12/02/2022 21:26

🎶 You say it best when you say nothing at all 🎶

Glitterygreen · 12/02/2022 21:34

@yesitssea

Sorry if it wasn't clear- I didn't actually say 'no'

I haven't actually replied yet.

I want to keep her hanging for a bit then decline.

I think some of the other posters are right when they suggested that she is trying to make it appear that we are all good.

No doubt I'd be tagged in a picture if I did attend. I also think she would be prepared to gaslight me into thinking that I did actually say I was busy.

I don't really know what to say.

Hope you said no OP!!

I'd just say I was busy...no more info. And I'd do that every time so she doesn't get the satisfaction of feeling things are OK and can't post a pic.

Thehappygardener · 12/02/2022 21:54

I’m so sorry that this has happened, it’s awful when someone excludes you, but you’ve had loads of good advice here and I won’t add any more.

But just to say that I found out by accident recently that I had been excluded from several events organised by some colleagues who I had thought were friends, they had been on holidays and dinner several times together, and it had been kept secret from me.

Obviously they can go wherever they want, with whoever they want, but I was confused by the secrecy and subterfuge. Reading some of the replies to your post has made me see this group of ‘friends’ in a new light, and that they were following one fairly narcissistic woman who had always found me annoying or/and threatening, not really sure which!

Looking forward to hearing how your friend deals with your response to her dinner invitation, which was, frankly, too little, too late! 🌺

Watchamocauli · 12/02/2022 21:56

I would rile her up. Grin Either say

“Busy with some new girlfriends”
Or
“Not without a grovelling apology”

AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 21:57

The very best revenge in divorce, or women friends being bitches or whatever is a brilliant life. No need for anything more. Carry on with your life. If she sees what you are doing then fine , if she doesn't it doesn't matter, you are having too much fun to care whether she inhabits the earth or not .

AngelinaFibres · 12/02/2022 22:10

A quote popped up on pinterest this afternoon .
"Some people just love drama.....you are not obliged to attend the performance ".
Have a beautiful life Op, probably without her in it.

Thehappygardener · 12/02/2022 22:16

And a message from, I think, Twitter …

To be confused as to why I am excluded?
Happyasahedgehog · 12/02/2022 22:38

"Living well is the best revenge" Move on and enjoy life without her! You deserve real friends who treat you better.

honeyrider · 12/02/2022 23:46

If she lives close enough be prepared in case she turns up unexpectedly at your home which she may well do if she's frustrated that she's not getting the opportunity to reel you in and win you over.

Babyvenusplant · 13/02/2022 00:02

I wouldn't reply, it's not worth the wasted minutes typing out a message

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/02/2022 01:26

Hmmmmm - interesting take that she could be planning to use any "No sorry, I'm busy" message as "Proof" that you were busy the weekend of her 50th.

The way to get round that is to be specific that you are refusing her dinner invitation:
"Too busy to meet you for dinner/lunch [whichever it was] in the next few weeks - I'll let you know when I'm free" and then don't.

Integrity7 · 13/02/2022 02:29

or they have been encouraged not to

Integrity7 · 13/02/2022 03:08

(encouraged like you) my sister and several so called "friends" did the same years ago, my best friend from school and bridesmaid / maid of honour at my wedding came to Daughter's Christening. My ex did not as he is not Christian. she sent bd cards for years but was not particularly objective or empathtic during conversations about my (narcisstic) family,

I went through an incredibly tough times for years alone and unsupported even by official depts who are supposed to help and had to live on disability benefits (I have MS which is stupidly bad at times and has left me bed bound - during much of which I was caring alone for a child) unaided, she sent a card one year with a picture of a woman in a deckchair drinking which implied I was doing nothing. She and my other so called friends knew I had done an MA and worked stupidly hard (12 hour shifts unpaid inc at night while staying at her place, a lone parent working weekends in another job and paying childcare unaided to try and get work). For years I was trying to get written work published or work in fields I can while being insulted and abused locally by narcissists, my mixed race child suffering denial of vital services and being constantly referred to a crooked social services system with no reason. At her primary schools I was excluded from cliques (small town).

When I challenged her about the card.She implied I had lost my sense of humour.

There were also comments online so eventually I blocked people.

I have had multiple thefts from my home inc all my own and child's childhood photos.For over a decade - which the police have not investigated.

I was recently called (on my own 50th) by her sister of to ask if I had photos for her 50th (which I was not invited to)... Writing about it now I realise I was never invited to a significant birthday of either hers or my sister yet she / they were invited and came to my 18th, my 30th, my wedding and my child's Christening etc. My sister has been poisoning people against me for years.

Integrity7 · 13/02/2022 03:13

I'm not bed bound at the moment and meant at times. The local council has not helped with funds for care during these times when my sister visited in hospital and implied on the ward loudly that I did not understand what it is like to work freelance (having been freelance for years).

Integrity7 · 13/02/2022 03:14

So get rid, block and call mutuals and challenge them and if needed repeat.