To be confused as to why I am excluded?

[yesitssea]

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

I would probably be more upfront
I have observed over the years how you exclude people and you have now done it to me and I don't want you in my life

OP your 'friend' sounds like a 'friend' my teen daughter has in school. She loves bombs other girls and then cuts them off. I googled manipulative personalities and picked up tips on how to deal with it.
She sounds like she has trauma in her childhood that has either triggered some personality issues or she has inherited some personality issues. I suspect she is jealous of you. Unless she gets counselling for her issues she is never going to change - you have said it yourself she does this regularly its just the spotlight has fallen on you. I personally wouldn't mention the 50th - she might twist it to escalate your relationship drama and then somehow blame you and bad mouth you to others. I personally would draw a line in the sand and not reply or at least give something wishy washy to put her off. Unfort you need to appear strong to her like you don't care as bullies pick on people they see as weak.

I would say something like

You deliberately excluded me from your birthday celebrations. I'll not bother with dinner, thanks.

@yesitssea

UPDATE: she's asked me out for dinner.

Hahahahahahaha

No.

Say yes & don't turn up?

When she asks tell her you said no?

Probably would make you too much like her!

"thanks for the invite. Please let me know when I'm free"

When she replies "Eh? How do I know when you're free?"

"Surely by using the same diary you used when telling others I couldn't make your 50th"

I like a simple “No thank you”

That’s it. Then you can’t be accused of ignoring her or lying. Either that or “oh I think I’ve already RSVP that invite from the girls so I’ll see you there” then don’t respond to anything else. It keeps her guessing if she’s been left out but suitably vague :)

@TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes

"thanks for the invite. Please let me know when I'm free"

When she replies "Eh? How do I know when you're free?"

"Surely by using the same diary you used when telling others I couldn't make your 50th"

This ^^ is brilliant

I love @TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes response :) that’s brilliant!

The ''let me know when I'm free'' response is genius! But I'd love to know how many of the group @yesitssea wants to keep as friends. I'd get ahead of her next narrative that you're petty and unforgiving now. I'd calmly tell a couple of friends (if you're talking to them) that she's asked you out for dinner and you're really uncertain how to respond to that. She deliberately excluded you and now she's asking you out ??

I think it's important to present yourself as confused by her machiavellian manoeuvres because if you respond with any of these clever funny responses you'll be branded petty and unforgiving and vengeful and determined to get revenge....

@TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes

"thanks for the invite. Please let me know when I'm free"

When she replies "Eh? How do I know when you're free?"

"Surely by using the same diary you used when telling others I couldn't make your 50th"

😂😂😂😂😂😂 Genius!

@SortingItOut

Am I the only cynical one that thinks the OP will say 'No' or 'I'm busy' and the QB will screenshot it in isolation to prove to everyone the OP said she couldnt make the birthday weekend......

It's easy to screenshot out dates etc

My thoughts exactly!

Interesting points re screenshotting! W8th that in mind, I'd definitely just ignore. Ignore, block and move on from her. Nobody likes being ignored so that will wind her up more than anything!

Ah yes. Screenshots - the ability to twist any conversation.

Reply: no thanks I believe the friendship is over.

No sorry I have to work.

I'd post under the pictures on SM 'raging I had other plans, hope u all enjoyed!'
She'll drive herself mad thinking that you managed to get invited by someone and then still didn't even go, she won't be able to correct u either without looking like (more of) a loon

I am not sure I would not be able to say something to her about the lack of invite to the party. I would probably say 'I don't think so, given the fact you didn't invite me to your 50th and lied to everyone about why i wasn't there'. Then leave it at that.

People treat others like shit because they are allowed to.

Why do people do this shit?! I definitely wouldn't accept the dinner invitation that's for sure!

@TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes

"thanks for the invite. Please let me know when I'm free"

When she replies "Eh? How do I know when you're free?"

"Surely by using the same diary you used when telling others I couldn't make your 50th"

Genius!

Great replies. Thanks feel bit deflated was excluded from last plans. Thats the approach I took before. Then I blocked lol.

No it’s not. It’s peevish and playing right into her hands. She knows what she did. Don’t lower yourself by sniping about it. It’s beyond that.

I wonder if you just keep not replying will she chase you? In which case you can say "So sorry, I intended to reply and then completely forgot." But don't say anything about the dinner invite. So she will probably message back to ask about meeting for dinner, and you can ignore that for a few weeks too.

@Theblacksheepandme and @mUserBot9to5t - hank you for your encouragement! I do have support now - dh is great, and I have lovely friends - and I know I am my own worst enemy. As you said, @UserBot9to5, I need to practise self compassion - I did have over a year of CBT, and one of the first things the therapist said to me was how unkind I was, in the way I talked to/about myself.

@PugInTheHouse

I am not sure I would not be able to say something to her about the lack of invite to the party. I would probably say 'I don't think so, given the fact you didn't invite me to your 50th and lied to everyone about why i wasn't there'. Then leave it at that.

People treat others like shit because they are allowed to.

Actually I like this - I'd do this too!