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Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
ThanksItHasPockets · 12/02/2022 14:44

Folk will start posting all sorts of revenge fantasies now, OP. Obviously you shouldn’t do any of them.

I’d just reply, ‘no thank you. I hope you had a nice birthday and I wish you well for the future.’ Be civil and polite when you bump into her, but otherwise that’s it. No more.

PosyBoo · 12/02/2022 14:55

@ThanksItHasPockets

Folk will start posting all sorts of revenge fantasies now, OP. Obviously you shouldn’t do any of them.

I’d just reply, ‘no thank you. I hope you had a nice birthday and I wish you well for the future.’ Be civil and polite when you bump into her, but otherwise that’s it. No more.

^^This!! It will piss her off and bother her far more and for far longer then any “revenge plan”. She we only use something like that to justify to herself why she was so awful to you in the first place. By being the bigger person you won’t make it awkward for yourself but you’ll make it bloody awkward her!!
MalcolmTuckersBollockingface · 12/02/2022 14:56

For what it is worth, I wouldn’t go either because she will be quite the thing (with a side order of denial and gaslighting) during the dinner. However, once you are back in the fold and attend a group event she will likely mug you off in some way, publicly.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 12/02/2022 15:01

I agree with @ThanksItHasPockets. Polite but making your thoughts very clear, without creating any further drama.

As tempting as the revenge fantasies are, I’d rise above it and keep them as fantasies.

Original poster
yesitssea · 12/02/2022 15:12

Sorry if it wasn't clear- I didn't actually say 'no'

I haven't actually replied yet.

I want to keep her hanging for a bit then decline.

I think some of the other posters are right when they suggested that she is trying to make it appear that we are all good.

No doubt I'd be tagged in a picture if I did attend. I also think she would be prepared to gaslight me into thinking that I did actually say I was busy.

I don't really know what to say.

OP posts:
dangerrabbit · 12/02/2022 15:24

I agree with PPs that you should just politely decline and also decline to give a reason. Be polite but vague and give short answers that shut down any further communication. If you see her around at group events, be civil but don't engage and glide past.

affairsofdragons · 12/02/2022 15:32

I think under the circumstances, I do agree with a previous poster.

Just tell her you hope she enjoyed celebrating her 50th, you wish her well in future, but you're not interested in continuing the friendship.

PickAndChooseMe · 12/02/2022 15:35

I don't really know what to say.

You don’t have to say much, just no thank you.

surreygirl1987 · 12/02/2022 15:38

I agree with other posters. A simple 'no thank you' and 'I hope you enjoyed your 50th. Take care'.

DustyDood · 12/02/2022 15:40

She wants to gauge your reaction to check she still has power over you. Your response so far has thrown her a bit as it’s not how her exclusion game usually plays out.
She has sent the dinner invite hoping you will lap it up, desperate to be one of the chosen few again following the bday bash exclusion, that’s what usually happens right?
As others have said you should politely decline but don’t apologise for not being able to make it. Something like “I can’t do dinner then but maybe another time”. That puts the power firmly in your hands, you’re making it clear her game hasn’t worked with you and unless she changes her behaviour you have no interest in keeping the friendship going.

Theblacksheepandme · 12/02/2022 15:46

UserBot9to5
"I think that every time you're excluded it ends up making you stronger, eventually.... after the pain fades"

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius
I disagree. I was bullied for five full years at senior school - some of it was name calling, but some was exclusion - I was an outsider from the point where we moved to a rural village when I was 10 and went to the local primary, and it continued throughout my time at the local* comprehensive, and only stopped when we went to sixth form college

Im 57 years old now, and I still cannot get rid of the deeply ingrained belief that no-one really likes me or wants to be my friend - and I trace that back to being excluded for so long.*

Maybe if I had had some support (from my parents or the school), it might have made me stronger, but I didn’t have any support, and so it broke me. I’m not sure it can be fixed.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius it most definitely can be fixed. It is a slow process but it can. I thought exactly the same as you at one stage. I am 46 now and finished my counselling s couple of months ago.. I went to two others before this one but it didn't feel right. I spent years being a very angry person. Do you have support now?

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 12/02/2022 15:47

I wouldnt actually say anything. Just ghost her, it will piss her off even more.....Ignore her and carry on with your life.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/02/2022 15:50

"I don't really know what to say."

If "No thanks" is too brief, then try "sorry, that doesn't work for me".
Other options:
"Sorry, can't do lunch"
"Sorry, too busy to meet up"
(Of course, you can just leave out the 'sorry')
"Too busy just now - I'll let you know when I'm free" (and then don't)

I can see the fun in keep on booking and cancelling but that's giving her too much headspace - just say that you can't make it at all, or take back the control so that you will call her when you're ready - except you won't.

Mooloolabababy · 12/02/2022 15:51

@surreygirl1987

I agree with other posters. A simple 'no thank you' and 'I hope you enjoyed your 50th. Take care'.
Ooh yes, this is perfect. Straight to the point, it's clear why you don't want to go, without adding any emotion that she can turn around on to you to make you seem 'irrational'. Short and concise!
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/02/2022 15:52

Then there's the ever-hilarious (Hmm) option of "New phone - who is this?"

Staggersaurus · 12/02/2022 15:56

You have to send the answer that @surreygirl1987 wrote, it’s perfect, polite and pointed.

A simple 'no thank you' and 'I hope you enjoyed your 50th. Take care

IVflytrap · 12/02/2022 15:58

Seeing as she apparently decided you had a previous commitment on her birthday without consulting you, I would be tempted to tell her you can't make the dinner because you believe she has a previous commitment. Grin

In reality, I would probably leave her hanging and/put her off with vague excuses until she gives up.

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 16:05

Sorry it's depleted you @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius it took me a long time to start finding a way through it. I was obsessing over the bullies' own motivations for years (whether you call them bullies or narcs). It's only since my therapist got me in to self-compassion and I've been really working at that on my own as well that I'm making progress. At 51! I feared self-compassion for a long time as I'm a bit of an under-achiever, well, in my family's eyes. No degree, no husband! But.... I am a decent self-aware human being. I am being a lot kinder and more supportive to me now. I'm actually practicing it, consciously and deliberately. It makes you stronger but not overnight. I still have a lot to learn and I'm keeping going with it. After I've finished Kristin Neff phd and christopher germer phd 's work book about self-compassion I'm going to look in to the ying and the yang of self-compassion which is about the protective sides of self-compassion as well as the soothing sides. Probably ties in a bit with re-fathering and re-mothering.

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 16:08

@surreygirl1987

I agree with other posters. A simple 'no thank you' and 'I hope you enjoyed your 50th. Take care'.
I agree with this text from @surreygirl1987.

I liked what Pictish suggested but that involves getting drawn into a dialogue and you can't control how that goes.

Smallkeys · 12/02/2022 16:09

@pictish has some sensible things to say as she did to me when I was having some similar issues with a group. As she said it’s a mystery why the controlling horrible person wields the power they will always be picked by the group. These same girls I see at a club I go to they literally ignore me or I get a sheepish hello if the Queen B not there . Weird AF

ZippyZap · 12/02/2022 16:17

I'd just say 'sorry it's all a bit busy at the moment with most weekends booked up (this will piss her off as it looks like you don't need her as have plenty of other friends) but I'll get back to you when a free date pops up'

SunnySideDownBriefly · 12/02/2022 16:22

Wow - she's got some front. And I bet she's doing it to make people think everything is cool between you.

Are you brave enough to front up to her and ask why she didn't invite you? Do you want to have a friendship with her?

Gilly12345 · 12/02/2022 16:23

I would have a conversation with her about exclusion.

I hope you haven’t bought her an expensive present.

Otherwise treat her how she treats people and organise some nights out and ‘forget’ to invite her, I’m not childish but she may change her behaviour when she sees how it feels.

LovedayCL · 12/02/2022 16:23

‘I have ‘other commitments.’ should work nicely.

Toottooot · 12/02/2022 16:27

Did you buy her a gift? Maybe she wants to meet you so you can hand it over. 💁🏻‍♀️