To be confused as to why I am excluded?

[yesitssea]

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

I think the 'no thank you, I hope you enjoyed your birthday celebrations. Take care' suggestion is pretty perfect

Grey rock her.

Don’t explain, give any details, apologise, be interesting in anyway. Try and be as interesting to her as a grey rock,

Boring polite generic response.

“ Thank you for your message, But no thank you I am not able to go for dinner with you. “

I wouldn’t mention the birthday in any reply…not even a breezy ‘hope you enjoyed your 50th’. Don’t give any indication that it’s still playing on your mind. She knows what the issue is…you don’t need to refer to it because you’ve already moved on.

“Um…depends when, give me a couple of dates and I’ll let you know.”
Then of course, you won’t.

‘No that doesn’t work for me’

'Sorry I'm not available. Hope you enjoyed your birthday. Take care'

@yesitssea

Sorry if it wasn't clear- I didn't actually say 'no'

I haven't actually replied yet.

I want to keep her hanging for a bit then decline.

I think some of the other posters are right when they suggested that she is trying to make it appear that we are all good.

No doubt I'd be tagged in a picture if I did attend. I also think she would be prepared to gaslight me into thinking that I did actually say I was busy.

I don't really know what to say.

Good for you, keep her waiting! I also suspect she might have been called out by some of your group who she lied to by saying you were unable to attend. She’s trying to smooth things over by showing that you are good, and yes, I expect she’ll be all over SM saying what a fab time she’s having with her good friend.

Keep her waiting, but look out for yourself and do not pander to her plans as she will just be using you. Give her the cold shoulder that she’s so fond of giving others, she might think twice the next time she wants to play Queen Bee.

I think I'd be tempted to say I am busy (this is assuming she hasn't suggested any dates) and when she replies and says I haven't said when reply and say I know

@yesitssea do you want still want a friendship with? Just curious about how you feel?

@TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil

I wouldnt actually say anything. Just ghost her, it will piss her off even more.....Ignore her and carry on with your life.

I'd do this (as well as block her). I couldn't be dealing with the drama at all.

@matthancockslovechild

'Sorry I'm not available. Hope you enjoyed your birthday. Take care'

Absolutely this

Am I the only cynical one that thinks the OP will say 'No' or 'I'm busy' and the QB will screenshot it in isolation to prove to everyone the OP said she couldnt make the birthday weekend......

It's easy to screenshot out dates etc

@SortingItOut

Am I the only cynical one that thinks the OP will say 'No' or 'I'm busy' and the QB will screenshot it in isolation to prove to everyone the OP said she couldnt make the birthday weekend......

It's easy to screenshot out dates etc

This is exactly the plan.

It’s a trap!!!!!

@pictish

Ask her what date she was thinking. Be busy that day. Ask for another…be busy on that day too. Ask for a third. Tell her you’ll check and get back to her. Never get back to her. Rinse and repeat until she understands that you have left the building. Always be pleasant. But that is all.

This....every time and twice on Sundays!

Do let us know how you get on @yesitssea

This is from another thread - but I think the dynamics are relevant here:

“Many habitual liars paint themselves into a corner and, back against the wall, will still maintain black is white. I don't know why when, to most of us, such behaviour just looks deranged but plenty of people do it and feel very offended if forced to look at reality. I guess she's one of those and nasty with it.”

Yes. In general, habitual liars double down and react with outrage when somebody has clear evidence of their lies. They never accept it and some notable people just manage to keep on going, even in remarkably senior and public positions.

They enjoy their power to state nonsense and have others compelled to accept it because there are no enforceable mechanisms for accountability.

Or finally agree after giving her the runaround and once she is sat in a restaurant text to say you are running 15 mins late …. and then text to say soz you just remembered that you have to stay home and clip your toenails.

No one has ever directly called her out before and you’ve got nothing to lose. I’d go with…

“Hi, just thought I’d put this on record, if you had actually asked me, I was free for your birthday celebration with the group. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t ask me, but you really should be honest about it instead of telling porkies. And with that in mind, I’ll be honest here, I’m not going to be free for dinner. All the best.

I would pesonally just cut contact, say nothing and organize something yourself without her to make the point. Time to move on. If she comes back and says anything just tell her why, ditto other people. She didn't accidentally forget you, she deliberately excluded you. I'd say she's playing some sort of unpleasent hardball game and you're better off out of it. Others may not have realised why you weren't there and if they know, they might feel the same way about her.

I'm sure she wants to collect her birthday present from you. 😁

I've had this too! 7 years ago. Excluded from the girls brunch one day and that was it. She was the queen bee and the link between us all. She wants to be friends now. Always messages, asks to meet up. She can fucking do one. Bitch.

I would just say

Hi xx its as you told everyone at your party, I have another work commitment

Nothing more

Busy right now. Such a nice idea. Anyone else going? Vague, non committal, potential to tease.

Chloe reply is great. Op call her out on that behaviour. Terrible

“No thanks, I actually am going to be busy this time”.
If she hasn’t told you the date yet, the same still applies.

I just wouldn't reply. Ever.

Screaing narcissist - better of without.