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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not all men..

479 replies

Jenna19871 · 05/02/2022 23:18

Spoke to DH about this tonight and he said ‘it’s not all men though is it?’

He’s right. It’s not all men. But I have experienced so much shit that wouldn’t be accepted nowadays (not tragic shit but just not acceptable)

At 19 my drink was drugged with rohypnol in the local night club, thankfully I didn’t drink it as it tasted ‘sour’. It was caught on CCTV. The man was banned for 2 weeks. 2 weeks!!!

I’ve taken the tube and had men put their hands on my butt/legs etc with me trying to move away. I didn’t shout, I should have!

None of these are awful stories but it just goes to show that when people say it’s not all men...but it is most women.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Youarefakenews · 13/02/2022 19:49

@cuno

OK I misunderstood. I have my boss rubbing his crotch up against me. Just like you, I don't like it. What should anyone else in the office do about it? They haven't seen it.

Who said they haven't seen it??

Read the original post from Bumper. There is no mention of anyone else seeing it.
Pumperthepumper · 13/02/2022 19:49

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Youarefakenews

Ask anyone who has interfered in a couples interactions, especially where alcohol is involved and they will tell you what a stupid move that is. It invariably ends up in both parties turning on you.

Ask "anyone"? My other half would be pleased someone was checking I was ok.

PP said their other half wouldn't be annoyed either.

Don't judge others by how you would react to something. I think it's clear that you'd be doing a 'I'm not like that, how dare you accuse me' type rant if someone asked your wife if she was alright as they weren't sure whether you were a stranger bothering her or not. [/quote]
That’s exactly what I thought. I’d put money on your wife saying something different.

Pumperthepumper · 13/02/2022 19:50

@Youarefakenews

One last time: what do you want Good Man (at the bar, in your office (fully aware)) to do about it?

Youarefakenews · 13/02/2022 19:52

[quote Pumperthepumper]@Youarefakenews

One last time: what do you want Good Man (at the bar, in your office (fully aware)) to do about it?[/quote]
And for the final time. Does that Good man know it made me uncomfortable and if so, How did he know?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2022 19:53

You're being obtuse @Youarefakenews but let's try a new way of asking:

Your female colleague is showing your male boss some work. The boss is close behind her and you can see his crotch is pressed against her back.

Someone at work has photoshopped your female colleague's face on a body getting fucked and you've been shown it.

What would you honestly do in these situations?

Pumperthepumper · 13/02/2022 19:53

@Youarefakenews

Why does that matter? You are scared, intimidated and anxious: what do you want him to do?

Youarefakenews · 13/02/2022 19:54

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Youarefakenews

Ask anyone who has interfered in a couples interactions, especially where alcohol is involved and they will tell you what a stupid move that is. It invariably ends up in both parties turning on you.

Ask "anyone"? My other half would be pleased someone was checking I was ok.

PP said their other half wouldn't be annoyed either.

Don't judge others by how you would react to something. I think it's clear that you'd be doing a 'I'm not like that, how dare you accuse me' type rant if someone asked your wife if she was alright as they weren't sure whether you were a stranger bothering her or not. [/quote]
Totally incorrect. My partner has experienced the backlash of enquiring to a man and woman who were having a row. They both turned on her calling her a nosy bitch.

Youarefakenews · 13/02/2022 19:55

[quote Pumperthepumper]@Youarefakenews

Why does that matter? You are scared, intimidated and anxious: what do you want him to do?[/quote]
How does he know I am all of those things????

Pumperthepumper · 13/02/2022 19:55

@Youarefakenews

Your female partner stepped in when she thought a woman was the recipient of unwanted attention?

Are you not worried that makes her more of a Good Man than you, an actual man?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2022 19:55

@Youarefakenews

And for the final time. Does that Good man know it made me uncomfortable and if so, How did he know?

The good man doesn't know if you're uncomfortable. He thinks you might be (perhaps due to body language or just a gut reaction) but obviously he isn't sure because he isn't a mind reader.

What do you want him to do in that scenario?

5128gap · 13/02/2022 19:56

@Youarefakenews

It's not difficult in the slightest Pumper. I am not the one on the forum saying that men need to stick up for me or change what they do.

I am asking for you all to list what you feel is unreasonable behaviour.

Coming on to a thread where women are discussing a serious issue, posting questions that at best aim are an immature attempt at attention seeking, and at worst aim to provide you with an opportunity to belittle them.
Pumperthepumper · 13/02/2022 19:56

@Youarefakenews

But you do! What do you want him to do?

Pumperthepumper · 13/02/2022 19:57

Also saying it’s ridiculous for anyone to step in, then admitting his female partner did exactly that 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Youarefakenews · 13/02/2022 19:57

Tell you what, tomorrow morning you and a friend go into town. One of you lie on the ground with a half empty sider bottle nearby. See how many people stop and ask after you. We all make split second decisions on what we see. We assume in that case you are drunk and fell over. The reality is you may have collapsed and the empty bottle has nothing to do with you.

Exdonkeylover · 13/02/2022 19:57

There are other that surround this. 2/3rds of murder victims are men, 2/3rds of Violent crime victims are men, 3/4 quarters of robbery victims are men. Its not all men, (70% of the above offences are committed by men, I decided to have a Google) but the men that don't do it, sometimes fear the men that do. Having dealt with men that stood up for women in the pub over something, then become the victim of the men that do, (usually a violent action) I can see why some men don't step in.

Teaching men to not be violent to women is a step forward, teaching them not to be violent all would be better for everyone.

Youarefakenews · 13/02/2022 20:00

@Pumperthepumper

Also saying it’s ridiculous for anyone to step in, then admitting his female partner did exactly that 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Well given that when she did step in she was the one ending up with hassle from both of them, did that make it a sensible thing to do?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2022 20:00

Totally incorrect

The arrogance! I'm not incorrect about my own experiences and relationship dynamic thanks, @Youarefakenews and the fact that your anecdata shows some couples would respond in a spiteful way doesn't mean that all would. I would rather be wrong and have a couple tell me to fuck off than be right and have done nothing to help the woman in question.

You're on a predominantly female forum telling women they are wrong to want men, who are statistically bigger and stronger than them, to step in when they're being harassed or assaulted. Giving excuses as to why men shouldn't do so as it may have a downside for them. Do you never wonder if you might be fighting on the wrong side of this one?

Pumperthepumper · 13/02/2022 20:01

@Youarefakenews

It absolutely did. She’s a Good Man. Lucky for you, she probably would step in when you’re getting felt up by a much bigger man at the bar. Shame you wouldn’t do the same for her.

cuno · 13/02/2022 20:02

@Exdonkeylover

There are other that surround this. 2/3rds of murder victims are men, 2/3rds of Violent crime victims are men, 3/4 quarters of robbery victims are men. Its not all men, (70% of the above offences are committed by men, I decided to have a Google) but the men that don't do it, sometimes fear the men that do. Having dealt with men that stood up for women in the pub over something, then become the victim of the men that do, (usually a violent action) I can see why some men don't step in.

Teaching men to not be violent to women is a step forward, teaching them not to be violent all would be better for everyone.

How do you propose we teach men not to be violent without calling out bad behaviour when they see it? If we all turn a blind eye, what does that teach?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2022 20:03

@Youarefakenews

Well given that when she did step in she was the one ending up with hassle from both of them, did that make it a sensible thing to do?

And probably hassle from you. I'm sure you gave her a good talking to afterwards telling her exactly what she should have done and exactly why "ladies" shouldn't behave in such a manner.

Being brave means not always doing the 'sensible' thing by the way.

And if your attitude on the thread is indicative of your attitude in the relationship then I'm not surprised she's the one who has to step up when needed. Then get a bollocking from The Man afterwards for being so silly.

Youarefakenews · 13/02/2022 20:07

[quote Pumperthepumper]@Youarefakenews

It absolutely did. She’s a Good Man. Lucky for you, she probably would step in when you’re getting felt up by a much bigger man at the bar. Shame you wouldn’t do the same for her.[/quote]
Which brings us back to my major point and the major flaw in your desiring help. In the vast majority of these interactions, the person witnessing it does not know there is anything untoward going on. If you feel you are being touched innaproproiately jump up and down and let someone know. The reality is that most Women don't let anyone know during the assault.

Oh and no after that she said herself she wouldn't intervene in a similar situation.

cuno · 13/02/2022 20:08

@Exdonkeylover
Also, I just googled, 93% of murderers are men, 85% of violent crime committed by men, can't see the statistic for robbery with a quick search right now, but your figures are way off suggesting 70% of these crimes committed by men.

Pumperthepumper · 13/02/2022 20:09

@Youarefakenews

Is that what you would do when your boss’s erection was pressed against your arse? You never said.

Youarefakenews · 13/02/2022 20:10

[quote cuno]@Exdonkeylover
Also, I just googled, 93% of murderers are men, 85% of violent crime committed by men, can't see the statistic for robbery with a quick search right now, but your figures are way off suggesting 70% of these crimes committed by men.[/quote]
How many of those murdered were also men? How many of those assaulted were also men?

Pumperthepumper · 13/02/2022 20:10

The reality is that most Women don't let anyone know during the assault.

Absolutely, categorically false.