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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking older son into the ladies?

358 replies

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 16:14

He’s severely autistic, incontinent, anxious etc hes 12 but looks a lot older

There’s been two occasions where he’s gone into the men’s loos that ended up with me asking a random man to check they were empty and keep guard so I could sort my son out. We have a disability key and use that when we can but sometimes there’s not a disabled toilet.

I know he looks like teenager and it’s not nice for women using the loo and I do try to explain but there’s been a couple of toilet emergencies recently where I’ve been shouted at because he’s in the ladies with me. But I can’t go into the men’s?
WWYD?

OP posts:
Walkoflife · 06/02/2022 01:42

I have a 13 year old son with severe autism and we tend to use the disabled toilet but if there wasn’t one available I take him into the ladies with me.
He is usually wearing a sunflower lanyard so people can see he has a disability.
I have never had anyone shout or say anything to me about taking him in to ladies toilet though

Leilala · 06/02/2022 01:50

It’s really upsetting there aren’t the appropriate facilities for you.

Of course disabled if you can. If you can’t then I don’t see why he can’t go into the ladies with you. It’s not as though women are exposed and urinating outside of cubicles??! Surely if he can’t manage himself in the men’s alone it’s worse for you to go in there given the potential for urinals! Also from a safeguarding view point not sure I would let him go alone into the men’s anyway.

Not sure what women are doing that needs privacy outside of the cubicles? He is a vulnerable child that needs your help and that should come first regardless.

bythere · 06/02/2022 02:03

"Men use urinals because they don't mind being seen peeing."

By other males (men, boys of any age, or possibly a very young girl with her father). But they generally wouldn't want adult women in there just as many women wouldn't want a man in the women's with his DD. The level of distress might be different in the two situations but men should still be entitled to privacy as well.

viques · 06/02/2022 03:19

@modgepodge

I have to say I find these replies interesting, with the vast majority saying it’s fine to go in the ladies. Yet when someone posts about their 8 year old going swimming they’re told he must be in the men’s by himself, showering and changing completely independently as it’s unacceptable for an 8 year old boy to be in the women’s. Mumsnet is so unpredictable at times!

Clearly the answer is To use the disabled, and to complain if there isn’t one (unacceptable in this day and age). As someone else said, a sunflower landward might prevent shouting and unkindness if you really do have to use the women’s.

Not the same situation at all, not many women take their clothes off in toilets, whereas they do in swimming pool changing rooms.
sinpola · 06/02/2022 03:51

I'd take him into the ladies. If he's accompanied by a woman I can't see any reason any woman would object at all. If they didn't need to be in a womens loo they wouldn't be there. And it's all private cubicals aswell so unless he's crawling under a door then no one should have a problem at all x

SquirrelG · 06/02/2022 04:09

What is wrong with people? I wouldn't bat an eyelid at you taking him to the women's loo OP, and agree that he shouldn't have to go into the men's alone. The lack of disabled toilets is a concern however.

GreenUp · 06/02/2022 04:22

It wouldn't bother me to see a mother accompanying her disabled son in the ladies. I'm sorry you've been shouted at and I'm sorry you've got so much on your plate. I hope things get easier for you.

I used to work with a grown man with incontinence and learning disabilities and when there wasn't a disabled toilet available I'd accompany him into the men's toilets. I operated from the position that it was my job to facilitate him to live the life he'd ordinarily live if he didn't have a disability so using the men's toilets seemed most appropriate from that perspective.

As long as you look away from the urinals and don't make eye contact, there should be no issue from the men. A majority of men don't want to start chatting in the toilet, they just get in and out so they pretend not to notice you.

NightfeedsandNetflix · 06/02/2022 04:45

@AtLeastPretendToCare

Why do you assume you can’t go into the mens? Why is this worse than him being in the ladies?
Women don't have their bits out in urinals? Everything a women needs is usually behind a closed door in a individual cubicle.
NightfeedsandNetflix · 06/02/2022 04:49

This would make me feel uncomfortable and look out of the norm, however seeing your boy accompanied would make me think there's a valid explanation and would then make me mind my own business.

Feel sorry for you having to manage this situation it's hard to please everyone whilst meeting the needs of your son

bedheadedzombie · 06/02/2022 04:49

I don't think that there is an ideal solution here. Traumatised women should be taken equally serious in this matter. I do think that once he starts looking adult you need to resort to diapers. By then it's more probable that he'll never learn continence.

countrygirl99 · 06/02/2022 04:56

@Roselilly36

Use the disabled loo, buy a radar key.
Read the post
nolongersurprised · 06/02/2022 05:02

I wouldn’t care but my daughters would, especially if they were cleaning up after getting their period unexpectedly and didn’t expect to encounter a male of pubertal age in their female space.

nolongersurprised · 06/02/2022 05:03

They wouldn’t shout at you though, they’re old enough to understand.

HappyDays40 · 06/02/2022 05:14

@bedheadedzombie OP has said that this is when continence pads leak so......
He is not likely to suddenly become continent when older.

nolongersurprised · 06/02/2022 05:19

Not sure what women are doing that needs privacy outside of the cubicles?

Washing blood off their clothes/hands? My teen DD helped her friend essentially strip down to underpants in the female toilets to clean off blood on the back of a school skirt. There aren’t basins in the cubicles

LadyPropane · 06/02/2022 05:23

Honestly my gut reaction would be to be a bit uncomfortable with him being in there if he looks as old as you say, however I have a brain in my head so I'm sure if I saw him in there with you looking after him I'd click that he needed your help to use the toilet. I certainly wouldn't scream at you in that scenario.

Hollywolly1 · 06/02/2022 05:51

People who shout at you trying to help your disabled child? Like just how cruel are they---you are doing your best can people not see that.

Hugasauras · 06/02/2022 06:32

YANBU, OP. I feel for anyone who would find it difficult finding a disabled teenage boy and his mum in a public toilet, but disabled people have enough challenges without adding not being able to access toilet facilities. Public toilets aren't a sacred space; they are there to cater to people who need to use them, and in this case a disabled child and his mum need to use them.

It strikes me as interesting that so many seem happy to further curtail the lives and access to opportunities of disabled people, but would be shocked at any suggestion that they maybe not use a public toilets themselves if something like this is likely to upset them.

strawberrrycheeesecake · 06/02/2022 06:58

Honestly, if I were in that position I would think bollocks to everyone else and do what I needed to do for my son.

He is vulnerable and unable to use the toilet unsupervised. What else can you do?

I'd rather not risk walking in on men using urinals, that isn't fair on anybody. Use the ladies toilet where you won't risk seeing anyone exposed and can use a locked cubicle. And if anyone looks concerned just explain briefly and get him in and out as quickly as possible.

I'm sure nobody else would be willing to take on the day to day challenges that having a child with autism brings, I'm sure they can cope with a male child being in a room with locked cubicles for privacy for a few minutes.

Spikeyball · 06/02/2022 07:10

As a last resort it is fine. I have a profoundly disabled teenage son myself and on the rare occasion did this myself and it is only past tense because he now cannot go out without 2:1 support so my DH has to be there.

tackling · 06/02/2022 07:22

At the risk of being shouted at by all of mumsnet, what happens when he's 13? 15? 21? Where's the cut off point?

Wouldn't it be better to practice taking him into the mens while he's still youngish, rather than making more women uncomfortable over time?

BABAHOTEL · 06/02/2022 07:23

@Sablemablelable

I can't believe that in this day and age there isn't always a disabled toilet available. Or is it that it's being used by a perfectly able bodied male who couldn't possibly take his shit in the cubicles in the men's? They also like to use the baby change and family toilets lots too.
Never notified this, but yes let's change this into a male bashing thread. When In fact the OP was talking about the unkindness of women.

OP use whichever you and your son feel more comfortable with. Although I think using the make toilets may make men using the urinals very uncomfortable.

tackling · 06/02/2022 07:24

It's interesting that most posters think women should be kind and told to shut up and get over any hang ups, but men shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable

strawberrrycheeesecake · 06/02/2022 07:24

Not sure what women are doing that needs privacy outside of the cubicles?

Washing blood off their clothes/hands? My teen DD helped her friend essentially strip down to underpants in the female toilets to clean off blood on the back of a school skirt. There aren’t basins in the cubicles

While I appreciate this can and does happen to some women, in all my years I've never seen someone covered in menstrual blood in their underwear at the basin of a public toilet.

Sirzy · 06/02/2022 07:27

@tackling

At the risk of being shouted at by all of mumsnet, what happens when he's 13? 15? 21? Where's the cut off point?

Wouldn't it be better to practice taking him into the mens while he's still youngish, rather than making more women uncomfortable over time?

The cut off point is when places have proper disabled facilties.

Some people no matter how much you practise will always need the support

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