To ask if this wedding invitation would annoy you?

[Limita]

The invitation is to a wedding 2.5 hours away from where most guests live, and will require an overnight stay. The save the date went out months ago, and accommodation was booked. The invitations have now gone out to say that only the bride and groom's immediate family will be invited to the ceremony, and the rest of the guests are invited to join them for a party afterwards.

Would this bother you?

YABU - this is rude and guests should have been told earlier
YANBU - getting married is a personal experience and it's the party people care about attending

@toomuchlaundry I like the ceremony too, but I also think it's completely fine if the couple prefer that to be private. I wouldn't want to be there if they wouldn't feel comfortable having guests there, it would feel like prying to me. I think that's what I find so odd about this general MN attitude (not you) - it's like someone feeling they have a right to insist on being a part of something that could be a very private thing for the B&G, some people wouldn't feel comfortable making those vows in front of a large audience - so in that case why would you be angry at not being there? Wouldn't you want to accept their choice and join them afterwards to celebrate? I find it all a bit odd, the angry part.

By all means people can do it their way but in the circumstances on this thread the party is separate from the marriage and really ought to be treated as a more casual affair which is absolutely fine if that's what the couple want. However expectations needed to be clear from the start.

@RosesAndHellebores completely agree with you here

I think the anger @Cavagirl is that they weren't invited to a party to celebrate a wedding. They thought they'd been invited to a wedding.

I've been to lots of marriage celebration parties and they've been lovely. But I've never been sent a save the date and expected to book accommodation in advance for a one.

I wouldn't bother, I wouldn't waste the time and money.

@Cavagirl people are angry because they assumed they would be going for more than an evening party, hence booking the accommodation. The hen wasn’t too shy in demanding a hen do abroad

My cousin did this, and it was fine, although clear from the outset that it would only be immediate family at the ceremony. We had a great time at the party!

I think this is the thing though - if the ceremony is more private and I'm only invited to the reception, in my view - I'm still going to their wedding.

Agree that hen dos abroad, late reception start, other specifics to this OP would annoy me. But the general rage about a couple keeping their ceremony private I'll never understand!!

@Henlie

So is it a sit down meal you’re all going to *@Limita* with drinks provided etc? Or a buffet with a paying bar?

Yes, that would make a big difference to me too. Haven't read to the end, but we are talking about a buffet here, aren't we.

So I was right, buffet and a bar where you buy you're own drinks. Not really good enough, is it? I hope that will be made clear to the guests.

I would only go if it was local. If it involved a long journey and an overnight stay I would decline politely and wish you well.

My DS is getting married this year. I am getting over invested in wedding threads and the associated horrors. I am hoping to avoid them all.

Yes @RosesAndHellebores, these OTT wedding threads are very enlightening and so very different from the low key wedding that DH and I had 40 years ago. We took into account that some of our guests had to travel (my family and DH's family lived 300 miles apart), and timed our wedding accordingly.

I'd rather watch the ceremony than go to party after.

@RampantIvy, I am relieved our DS and GF are being sensible and have a similar approach to frippery and caring about their guests as us.

DH and I had a modest country wedding over 30 years ago with about 100 guests, but cake and flowers from the village etc and using family cars. No save the dates, no dramas, a late wedding and early evening reception that lasted into the night. We served sparkling wine, pimms and beer (and soft drinks). The pimms and beer were a late addition as the temperature hit 90°.

@Chely

I'd rather watch the ceremony than go to party after.

I think this is the issue, we all differ. I’d rather go to thr party than watch the ceremony, I find them tedious. And I’d totally respect the brides wish to do it in private.

My wedding was like this. We got married in a small estate chapel with just family and were piped into the hall for a champagne reception, dinner and dancing with 100 other guests straight after. We had an open bar and bought so much champagne and wine we were still drinking months later. Looking back a bottle of white, red and champagne per guest including children was a bit much. We also had pimms; beer, cider and whisky.

and @taxidermissy, that IS hosting. You have provided guests with a nice meal/drinks etc for them to celebrate with you.

Not just a half hearted buffet and get your own drinks. Thats not hosting anyone, or thanking them for attending your special day.

Make it all clear whats happening up front and people won't be upset. Hide it until people have already committed costs and they get annoyed and feel misled.

Its far easier to politely decline an invite if you know upfront its a buffet/no drinks. However now they have probably said they are going/have booked accomodation so to decline now also looks strange and awkward.

So I'd be equally annoyed my choice was taken away from me via a "bait and switch" of pretending to offer one thing and actually its something else.

@saraclara

I don't know when weddings became so transactional.

What is it that makes a wedding party different from any other party? Do you refuse to travel for a 40th birthday party because you weren't there with the immediate family on the birthday morning? Or because the party food is a buffet?

We've twice driven up and stayed over to attend secondary evening wedding receptions. Never gave it a moment's resentment. We liked the couples, we had lots of mutual friends, they were great nights and we had fun.

I'm glad it's not just me who thinks this. I've agreed it's rude they didn't make clear on save the dates what the deal was, but I don't understand the general mumsnet horror of evening dos, paid bars and buffets. A buffet can be just as nice as a sit down meal, often nicer because more choice, and in this instance if it's the only meal for the bridal party too I doubt it will be a very basic one. I've never not wanted to go to an event because of the food served unless there would be no food at all.

I've also never been to a wedding with a free bar. Yes often some wine on the table or arrivals drinks but that's usually only a few glasses across a whole day event, and anyone who didn't like wine would be paying for all their drinks - perfectly normal for any event I've been to. Getting pissed isn't obligatory if you are on a budget.

I know people are saying a wedding isn't the same as a birthday party but why not? At a birthday party I'd expect to buy my own drinks, take a present and be happy with a buffet. And if I was close to the host and fancied a weekend away / could use it to catch up with other friends and family I'd pay for accommodation, and if I wasn't I would politely decline. How is any if that different from a wedding evening party? I know some people are mentioning new outfits and more expensive presents but that's up to you. Most people already own an outfit smart enough for an evening do so it's on you if you are the type not to wear same outfit again. And there are no laws on how much to spend on a gift as long as you give something to be polite.

Actually, I've just declined a wedding partly because ironically it starts too early - its several hours away and I can't stay the night before, so it would be too stressful to be sure I was there on time for ceremony. I might have been more likely to go if it has been an evening! That's an unusual case though.

I agree in this case they have been unreasonable with the save the dates, but I don't agree with all the comments about the rest of the plan.

I would say that an evening do where most of the guest as just there for the eve, or its completely separate from the main wedding, have usually been the most fun I've been to as everyone is up for a party rather than tired and winding down after the main event. So hopefully it will be fun.

@taxidermissy

My wedding was like this. We got married in a small estate chapel with just family and were piped into the hall for a champagne reception, dinner and dancing with 100 other guests straight after. We had an open bar and bought so much champagne and wine we were still drinking months later. Looking back a bottle of white, red and champagne per guest including children was a bit much. We also had pimms; beer, cider and whisky.

So your wedding was nothing at all like this one where the guests are being asked to travel 2.5 hours for an evening buffet and a pay bar.

And did you make it clear to your guests when you sent out the accommodation info that they weren't invited to the ceremony?

Its a bit odd of them to not have made that clear from the start . However I would be quite pleased to not have to attend the boring bit and lets face it most people only booked accommodation so they could have a drink at the reception and nothing has changed that!

I would much prefer to attend a reception in a village hall with a buffet and barrels and some wine laid on within the couple's budget than attend a schmancy wedding industry do whereby the couple have the glitzy bells and whistles but can't afford to entertain their guests nicely and equally.

It's all turned into champagne tastes fir beer money. It's sad that the wedding industry has spoilt the meaning of the marriage and the fact it welcomes two families and sets of friends into one community. Too often the reality of people's community is out of touch with their aspirations and it's rather sad.

I'd rather go to a simple reception with French bread and good cheese and pate with modest alcohol in a modest venue given freely and with love sans dramas than go to a schmancy do people are in debt for.

This couple have decided to have their simple reception in a venue 2.5 hours way in a destination venue.

Yes a simple reception in the local village hall is lovely, but to make people travel for just an evening party seems a bit much, especially when not specified early on. They have gone to the expense of save the date cards, hen do abroad, special venue, this is not about saving money

This thread has been a very interesting read.

I am going to the ceremony, and I have known for several months that only immediate family and witnesses were invited to it. I thought it was a bit weird, frankly, but that's the couple's decision.

It was only this week that the bride had mentioned that X and her DH had booked so and so a place near to the venue, and Y couldn't get an Air B&B because there were none left etc., and I asked whether other guests were planning to meet up during the day before the reception. Anyway, from there I realised that she hadn't told any of the 100+ guests that it was not a day time affair when they'd be fed twice, and that they weren't invited to the ceremony.

So I told her I thought she had to get the invitations in the post ASAP to clarify matters. She thinks it's fine, I think it's absolutely not. There seems to be a balanced opinion in the comments if not the voting.

Etiquette question for anyone who sees this!!

If your only invited to the party, do you still have to bring present?

For this wedding I would say yes @CupOfNiceTea as it is the only part of the wedding guests are going to. When you are only an evening guest of an all day affair, I’m not so sure. But when I have been invited to just the evening it’s normally a work colleague’s wedding so would have bought a present via the collection at work

@CupOfNiceTea

Etiquette question for anyone who sees this!!

If your only invited to the party, do you still have to bring present?

It's definitely expected.