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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this wedding invitation would annoy you?

262 replies

Limita · 04/02/2022 18:53

The invitation is to a wedding 2.5 hours away from where most guests live, and will require an overnight stay. The save the date went out months ago, and accommodation was booked. The invitations have now gone out to say that only the bride and groom's immediate family will be invited to the ceremony, and the rest of the guests are invited to join them for a party afterwards.

Would this bother you?

YABU - this is rude and guests should have been told earlier
YANBU - getting married is a personal experience and it's the party people care about attending

OP posts:
saraclara · 04/02/2022 20:50

They're is only one reception. It's not like the usual wedding do where family and close friends are in tier 1 and other friends just invited to the evening.

Only a tiny few are at the ceremony, and then everyone comes to the reception. I'd have absolutely no problem with that.

I think you're being over sensitive. I'd be frustrated to get a save the date for an event that had two receptions and I was only at the evening. But this is very different. There is only one party, and it just happens to be in the evening..

appleturnovers · 04/02/2022 20:51

I'd still go for the reception, but I would find it very odd and poor form to have not made it clear initially.

Frannibananni · 04/02/2022 20:52

I think it’s rude to have a destination wedding and have guests pay for their own drinks on top. I don’t really care about ceremony in this case - it’s only immediate family but if it was the tiered system and I missed out I wouldn’t go. I’m not going to spend heaps on money on a acquaintance.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 04/02/2022 20:52

You could print out your hotel bill and frame it for them...it would be a lasting memento for them to treasure. 😻

SmithofSilver · 04/02/2022 20:53

I have to say I am very surprised by the grabby attitudes on this thread, mumsnet is very anti-grabby usually so all of the I wouldn't go if there is no meal, no free drinks, what's in it for me attitude is surprising.
Mumsnet can be weird about weddings though. For me I want my friends to have the wedding they want so if that is a small private ceremony and a celebration with all of their friends afterward I'd be there. If it is cash instead of a toaster then I'd give the cash. I like my friends and want to see them happy and if they aren't friends then I wouldn't be going n the first place.

Frannibananni · 04/02/2022 20:53

I also think it’s rude and grabby to expect gifts at a destination wedding if guests are paying their own accommodations

Fink · 04/02/2022 20:56

I think it depends a lot on how far away the wedding still is. Save the date went out months ago doesn't mean much if the wedding itself is still several months away. If the guests still have plenty of time to book accommodation and make arrangements, then I think it's ok. If the wedding is now only a few weeks away and people have already had to make arrangements based only on a save the date, that is emphatically not ok.

I personally don't get the point of inviting people to a party but not to the actual wedding, but I don't think the B&G would be unreasonable to do so as long as they gave enough notice.

saraclara · 04/02/2022 20:58

The invitations have now gone out to say that only the bride and groom's immediate family will be invited to the ceremony

Have people actually read this bit of the OP?
Do you really think that because the couple have opted for an immediate family only ceremony, they shouldn't expect anyone to come to their single reception? That any friend should consider themselves on a par with their parents and siblings?

This is mad. I've happily booked accommodation and travelled more than three hours for a secondary evening reception. We liked the people, we wanted to celebrate with them. We weren't arrogant enough to take offence at not being family or their very closest friends.

In the case of the OP, even the bride and groom's very best friends are being treated in the same way as OP.

Seriously, get over yourselves. It's not all about you.

RampantIvy · 04/02/2022 20:58

I think it will be a very small party. There are over 100 guests.

I meant that the party will be small because I think several guests will drop out. I would be scaling back a wedding gift.

But they picked somewhere hours away just because its insta-pretty and then expected guests to stump up to attend, thats bad enough (and no I wouldnt be giving a gift in that circumstance). But to then find that upon attending there will be no actual wedding just a few plates of butties and buying over priced shite wine

Well summed up.

PegasusReturns · 04/02/2022 21:05

I wouldn’t be too worried about missing the ceremony, usually then reception/ party is the best bit IMO.

But an evening buffet and a paying bar is not much to travel for.

Doodar · 04/02/2022 21:08

one of the best weddings I've been to has been like this. close family to the ceremony then big bash after, great food, drinks etc. like a regular wedding but no boring ceremony.

burnoutbabe · 04/02/2022 21:10

Bit it's different from being invited to sn evening only event and thinking yes it will be fun, you want to attend and know what you are getting.

To thinking you are attending a full on wedding/reception/evening so you book accommodation and then find out it's just an evening party. Your hosts think your worth a few sausage rolls and a pork pie!

Tiredmummy2014 · 04/02/2022 21:12

I've had something very similar. We were invited to a wedding about 3/4hrs drive from ours so involved a 2 night stay with our LG (3 at the time). Went to the ceremony, which was lovely, and headed off to the venue for the rest of the wedding only to find out it was immediate family/bridal party for the meal (couldn't find our names on the table plan) and could go back for the party which started about 7. This venue was 30 minutes from where we were staying and there was nothing nearby. To say we were annoyed would be an understatement!!

Scout2016 · 04/02/2022 21:15

Did you go to the hen / stag do, and if so how much cost and effort were involved? If you went I would consider the wedding celebrated and don't need to go to another party for it.

But either way yes, I'd be pissed off about this.

ladycarlotta · 04/02/2022 21:17

Am I the only person who thinks this is fine? Looking back almost all the weddings I've been to over the last five years or so did not have a ceremony - there was a little registry office do that few attended, and the event itself was just the reception/party. At some there was an informal change of personal vows but not all.

Honestly, I wouldn't be offended at all. You won't be missing out on anything.

saraclara · 04/02/2022 21:20

@Tiredmummy2014

I've had something very similar. We were invited to a wedding about 3/4hrs drive from ours so involved a 2 night stay with our LG (3 at the time). Went to the ceremony, which was lovely, and headed off to the venue for the rest of the wedding only to find out it was immediate family/bridal party for the meal (couldn't find our names on the table plan) and could go back for the party which started about 7. This venue was 30 minutes from where we were staying and there was nothing nearby. To say we were annoyed would be an understatement!!
That's not very similar at all. OP has been invited to the main reception. The only reception. The main event that celebrates the nuptials.

The only thing that she's missing (along with every guest other than the couple's parents and siblings) is the actual marriage ceremony.

Original poster
Limita · 04/02/2022 21:21

@Scout2016

Did you go to the hen / stag do, and if so how much cost and effort were involved? If you went I would consider the wedding celebrated and don't need to go to another party for it.

But either way yes, I'd be pissed off about this.

I organised it - a long weekend abroad (at bride's request).
OP posts:
saraclara · 04/02/2022 21:23

@burnoutbabe

Bit it's different from being invited to sn evening only event and thinking yes it will be fun, you want to attend and know what you are getting.

To thinking you are attending a full on wedding/reception/evening so you book accommodation and then find out it's just an evening party. Your hosts think your worth a few sausage rolls and a pork pie!

It's not an evening reception, following a ceremony and a wedding breakfast. It's the ONLY event outside the ceremony. I very much doubt it's a sausage roll and pork pie event. It's the only wedding reception, it just happens to be being held in the evening.
Nokiding · 04/02/2022 21:23

I would much prefer it. The ceremonies are usually painful.

annlee3817 · 04/02/2022 21:25

We travelled 2.5 hours for a friend's 40th and paid to stay at a hotel, it was great to celebrate with them and catch up, I'd do the same for a wedding

MeSanniesareBrannies · 04/02/2022 21:25

@MaizeAmaze

Nope, the ceremony has to be open to the public. So anyone who might object can turn up - which is also why notice has to be given and intent to marry 'advertised' - banns in church or posted at the registers office.
Do you have a link to say that ceremonies must be open to the public? I’ve had a look online and can’t find anything.
burnoutbabe · 04/02/2022 21:28

@saraclara

But when you get the save the date I assume it's not clear it's just an evening party. You'd assume a full day of stuff? And decide to go and incur costs oh that basis.

Maybe op can confirm if it was always clear it would just be one party?

museumum · 04/02/2022 21:32

It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s not just “a party” it’s their one and only wedding celebration. I’m not religious and really don’t need to see the church bit to want to celebrate my friends marriage.

WeAreTheHeroes · 04/02/2022 21:33

Yes - I wouldn't go and didn't go to a friend's wedding when she sent me an evening invitation when I would have had to travel over two hours and stay at the expensive venue in the middle of nowhere. It killed our friendship.

Original poster
Limita · 04/02/2022 21:33

[quote burnoutbabe]@saraclara

But when you get the save the date I assume it's not clear it's just an evening party. You'd assume a full day of stuff? And decide to go and incur costs oh that basis.

Maybe op can confirm if it was always clear it would just be one party? [/quote]
No, not clear. Some people who haven't yet received their invitation don't know it's an evening event either.

OP posts: