Page 10 | To ask if this wedding invitation would annoy you?

burnoutbabe · 05/02/2022 13:17

@CupOfNiceTea

Etiquette question for anyone who sees this!!

If your only invited to the party, do you still have to bring present?

this sort of night time buffet thing? maybe £20 voucher in a card. or maybe just a nice card.

I0NA · 05/02/2022 13:18

@CupOfNiceTea

Etiquette question for anyone who sees this!!

If your only invited to the party, do you still have to bring present?

B list guests bring B list gifts 🎁

Henlie · 05/02/2022 13:23

@Limita - can I ask, is said wedding going to be held in a hotel, with hotel priced drinks? Or is it more of a village hall type venue? And has bride explicitly said that no drinks will be provided in any shape or form?
Have any of your friends received their invites yet and mentioned their surprise of what’s being expected of them?!

I0NA · 05/02/2022 13:32

@Limita

This thread has been a very interesting read.

I am going to the ceremony, and I have known for several months that only immediate family and witnesses were invited to it. I thought it was a bit weird, frankly, but that's the couple's decision.

It was only this week that the bride had mentioned that X and her DH had booked so and so a place near to the venue, and Y couldn't get an Air B&B because there were none left etc., and I asked whether other guests were planning to meet up during the day before the reception. Anyway, from there I realised that she hadn't told any of the 100+ guests that it was not a day time affair when they'd be fed twice, and that they weren't invited to the ceremony.

So I told her I thought she had to get the invitations in the post ASAP to clarify matters. She thinks it's fine, I think it's absolutely not. There seems to be a balanced opinion in the comments if not the voting.

Im a bit confused @Limita

Are you saying that the B guests have reveivwd an invitation that gives a starting time of eg 5pm , but when they arrrive at 5pm they will be told

“ Oh you’re not invited to this part of the day, come back at 7pm”.

Or do they have invitations that say 7pm and when they arrive for the marriage ceremony they will be told

“ Sorry you’ve missed it, it was at 5pm and you weren’t invited . You are only invited for the reception which is now at 7pm”.

1FootInTheRave · 05/02/2022 13:40

They've been lured into booking an overnight stay under false pretences.

I'd be livid.

I love an evening do, but wouldn't travel nor stay over for one.

chaosrabbitland · 05/02/2022 13:41

i think they should have let people know they were only invited to the party and i also think its a bit of a pisstake to still expect presents and gifts from people all the guests who are only inviteted to the party

that said though i find weddings to be the most tedious boring things so i would have been delighted with this late turn of events as a reason not to go , not that i wouldnt have been declining even if id been invited to the wedding itself , if i did attend the party i wouldnt be bringing a gift if i then had to pay out for accomadation though

Joxster · 05/02/2022 13:54

I’m going to a friend’s wedding this year. Evening only. Other end of country. Overnight required. I’m happy to do this, and they were very clear when inviting us that we were 7pm-11pm guests. It’ll be a good party and a chance to catch up with friends. Drive up that morning and stay just one night.

HOWEVER.

If they had sent me a save the date I would have assumed an invite to the whole day. Given the distance, I would then have had to book two nights accommodation, and only arranged for breakfast that morning. Probably a half or whole day off work Friday to travel up.

If I then found out last minute I was only an evening guest, could have halved the cost of my trip and had now shelled out for two nights rather than one and would on top of that have to pay to eat out at lunch and find something to do to entertain myself during the day of the wedding, I’d be pissed off. Not to mention a wasted day of annual leave.

The couple may have wasted money and time of their guests. Nothing wrong with just an evening invite but be clear from the outset!!

Clymene · 05/02/2022 13:54

[quote Henlie]@Limita - can I ask, is said wedding going to be held in a hotel, with hotel priced drinks? Or is it more of a village hall type venue? And has bride explicitly said that no drinks will be provided in any shape or form?
Have any of your friends received their invites yet and mentioned their surprise of what’s being expected of them?![/quote]
I'm guessing it's a destination that is going to look lovely in the photos. I can't see anyone choosing a village hall that's 2.5 hours from where they live!

saraclara · 05/02/2022 13:58

If there's any chance that people might unnecessarily book accommodation for the night before, then I agree that the save the date card should have given the time of the wedding.

I think the only problem with that is that, judging by the responses on here, people are unable to register the difference between one reception for all guests, that happens to be in the evening, and what people think of as a B list second evening reception, so would wilfully not save the date.

Personally I'm not precious enough to find a second evening reception unworthy of my presence. But it seems I'm in the minority here.

Marvellousmadness · 05/02/2022 14:04

Just dont go
Easy :)

You sound angry that you got overlooked to go to the ceremony as you organised her hens. Fair enough. But i think it's time to get over it. Just go and enjoy. The ceremony is 20 minutes of yawn anyway

toomuchlaundry · 05/02/2022 14:05

@I0NA I don’t think they have received an invitation yet just a save a date, which you normally get for the full wedding. As it is a fair distance away some guests have already booked their accommodation, which some wouldn’t bother doing if they are only going for a few hours in the evening (and might not bother going at all)

Clymene · 05/02/2022 14:06

You would make a 5 hour round trip and book accommodation for a buffet @saraclara? More fool you!

saraclara · 05/02/2022 14:15

@Clymene

You would make a 5 hour round trip and book accommodation for a buffet *@saraclara*? More fool you!

Are you serious?

I booked accommodation and made eight hour return trips, for two separate evening wedding dos. The food never factored into that decision. The people did.

As I asked earlier, when did weddings become so transactional? When did friends become less important than the type of meal served?
The food served at both buffets was lovely, actually. But that was just a bonus.

Simplelobsterhat · 05/02/2022 14:18

@Clymene

You would make a 5 hour round trip and book accommodation for a buffet *@saraclara*? More fool you!

I imagine she'd be doing it to see friends / family, maybe have a dance, and probably have some time before or next day to look around a new place or do further catching up with other guests, rather than for a buffet! I thought my family liked our food but i don't think we've ever been to a celebration 'for' the food alone. Its genuinely news to me that that's how some people would see it.

Plus, a buffet can mean many different things so in some cases can be really nice (often more so than set meals in the reception).

Original poster

Limita · 05/02/2022 14:47

@Marvellousmadness

Just dont go Easy :)

You sound angry that you got overlooked to go to the ceremony as you organised her hens. Fair enough. But i think it's time to get over it. Just go and enjoy. The ceremony is 20 minutes of yawn anyway

I haven't been overlooked. RTFT.

OP posts:

Original poster

Limita · 05/02/2022 14:50

Im a bit confused @Limita**

Are you saying that the B guests have reveivwd an invitation that gives a starting time of eg 5pm , but when they arrrive at 5pm they will be told

“Oh you’re not invited to this part of the day, come back at 7pm”.

Or do they have invitations that say 7pm and when they arrive for the marriage ceremony they will be told

“Sorry you’ve missed it, it was at 5pm and you weren’t invited . You are only invited for the reception which is now at 7pm”.

The guests have received a Save the Date card with the date and location on, and a link to nearby accommodation, and nothing else. The invitations are now going out to say that only immediate family are invited to the ceremony and other guests can arrive at X time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Limita · 05/02/2022 14:50

[quote Henlie]@Limita - can I ask, is said wedding going to be held in a hotel, with hotel priced drinks? Or is it more of a village hall type venue? And has bride explicitly said that no drinks will be provided in any shape or form?
Have any of your friends received their invites yet and mentioned their surprise of what’s being expected of them?![/quote]
Not a hotel. A country house.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 05/02/2022 14:58

I think it’s incredibly rude to have people think they’re going to the ceremony and that’s not the case.

I’ve been to two weddings similar set up to this. One was fine as it was very clear and open from the beginning and there was a reason for the very tiny ceremony. The second was more like your example and some of the relationships never recovered after it. In particular the Bride and a very close friend who was asked to be with the bride as she was getting ready as she had no bridesmaids or the likes. She was then expected to fuck off and come back later with everyone else.

Echobelly · 05/02/2022 15:02

The ceremony is the most important part for me personally as a guest; I would expect to be told the invite was just for a party.

It's totally fair enough for couple to want a small ceremony and then a party, but if doing that I think the party should be held somewhere convenient for most guests where don't have to book a hotel.

RosesAndHellebores · 05/02/2022 15:05

DS's save the dates are along the lines of: the marriage service will start at 3.30pm. It will be followed by the reception at 6pm. Drinks and canapés will be served between the service and reception to allow photographs to be taken.

If you already have arrangements we will be grateful if you can let us know ASAP.

Invitations will be sent to arrive in early July

I'm going to ask them to add "if you have received this save the date, you will be formally invited to the wedding". as a result of this thread.

I still feel on the fence about "save the dates". It used to be a question of the invites going out a couple of months before the wedding. This way opens the way for embarrassment when relationships of friends break in the meantime. I had a two week window when reserves were invited when others declined. Only 4 did and due to booked hols. There was much less opportunity for offence.

JustLyra · 05/02/2022 15:25

@RosesAndHellebores

DS's save the dates are along the lines of: the marriage service will start at 3.30pm. It will be followed by the reception at 6pm. Drinks and canapés will be served between the service and reception to allow photographs to be taken.

If you already have arrangements we will be grateful if you can let us know ASAP.

Invitations will be sent to arrive in early July

I'm going to ask them to add "if you have received this save the date, you will be formally invited to the wedding". as a result of this thread.

I still feel on the fence about "save the dates". It used to be a question of the invites going out a couple of months before the wedding. This way opens the way for embarrassment when relationships of friends break in the meantime. I had a two week window when reserves were invited when others declined. Only 4 did and due to booked hols. There was much less opportunity for offence.

That save the date is perfectly clear to me.

The issue would be if they sent all that detail but people weren’t invited to the 3.30 part.

RosesAndHellebores · 05/02/2022 15:32

I think guests will be advised to take their seats by 3.15!

RosesAndHellebores · 05/02/2022 15:37

I'm just pleased they are keeping me in the loop and passing stuff by me as the MoG. It's very exciting. MoB and GF are wedding dress shopping this week. I have a feeling it will be a relaxed and natural floaty frock rather than anything tailored and too princessy.

Kite22 · 05/02/2022 16:38

There seems to be a balanced opinion in the comments if not the voting.

I think people are answering 2 different questions.
Some people are commenting on the reasonableness (or not) of what she has planned, others feel the real issue is not what the arrangements are, but the fact that the Bride hasn't communicated that to anyone, so, as so many posters have highlighted, people have received the Save the Date, and made arrangements naturally assuming they are invited to an afternoon or lunchtime wedding, afternoon reception and then on into the evening.

@Cavagirl The ceremony might not be important to you but it is to many, many people. I've gone to witness the ceremonies of people where I wasn't invited to the Reception. For a lot of people, the bride and groom standing up and expressing their love for each other in public is the wedding.
I totally agree with @RosesAndHellebores that this is about the poor communication from the B&G, rather than the arrangements though. If guests had been given the information / detail then each of the guests can decided if they want to go or not.

Clymene · 05/02/2022 17:05

Yes I'm absolutely serious @saraclara! Whenever I've had a party or held a celebration of any kind, my goal has been to make sure that my guests had the best time possible within my available budget.

This is not what this couple are doing. They're having a wedding where most of their budget is on the gorgeous location and a very small portion on their guests. That's not what friends do. And it's not what weddings should be like. They should be about the occasion rather than whether the B&G are going to look good in photos