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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this wedding invitation would annoy you?

262 replies

Limita · 04/02/2022 18:53

The invitation is to a wedding 2.5 hours away from where most guests live, and will require an overnight stay. The save the date went out months ago, and accommodation was booked. The invitations have now gone out to say that only the bride and groom's immediate family will be invited to the ceremony, and the rest of the guests are invited to join them for a party afterwards.

Would this bother you?

YABU - this is rude and guests should have been told earlier
YANBU - getting married is a personal experience and it's the party people care about attending

OP posts:
Theblacksheepandme · 05/02/2022 08:56

Nottogetapenny
A friend of mine invited my husband and I to her son’s wedding, which was a 2.5 hours drive away. So we booked the hotel where the wedding, was going to be held which was really expensive! We were total to go to the church for 1 o’clock for the ceremony on the invitation. After the ceremony we were expecting to go back to the hotel for a wedding breakfast! It was announced at the ceremony that the bride and groom, with their immediate family, would see the guest later! Their was no mention of this on the invitation! We meet up at 7 o clock at the hotel, I foolishly though ok this is different but a nice meal now or a lovely buffet would be nice! We got nothing!
Was I expecting to much? And it’s not because they are short of money!

I would have been absolutely fuming if that happened me. What did other guests say?

HappilyHadesBound · 05/02/2022 09:05

I'm getting married soon (too soon, not ready!!!) and in all honesty, the ceremony will be about ten minutes! I doubt people will even remember that part of the day much!

Theblacksheepandme · 05/02/2022 09:10

MaizeAmaze
Nope, the ceremony has to be open to the public. So anyone who might object can turn up - which is also why notice has to be given and intent to marry 'advertised' - banns in church or posted at the registers office.*

Not sure about what you're saying is correct. When we got married at registry office we would have liked to have had more people attend. We were told the room was too small and we were only allowed 2 people. The 2 people were the witnesses. We certainly didn't advertise anything.

seekinglondonlife · 05/02/2022 09:10

There's no way I'd drive 2.5 hours and have an overnight stay for a buffet.

Fairylightsongs · 05/02/2022 09:13

This would be perfect for me, more than happy to celebrate a friends wedding, don’t feel the need to intrude snd be there at the ceremony if they want something private.

Fairylightsongs · 05/02/2022 09:16

@seekinglondonlife

There's no way I'd drive 2.5 hours and have an overnight stay for a buffet.
This response made me laugh, it honestly reads like you’re only going for the food 😂
toomuchlaundry · 05/02/2022 09:20

A buffet in the evening sounds like the second half of a wedding, something you would have after the ceremony and wedding reception.

If I was only invited to the evening part of a wedding I would only go if it was local to me, I certainly wouldn’t go somewhere if I would have to stay and pay for accommodation.

BIL is doing the whole getting legally married and then having celebrations the week after. This will involve travel and accommodation costs. They’ve even managed to have 2 tier guests on their celebration day too.

It just seems a lot of fuss when they don’t want anyone to see them actually get married. Doesn’t help that this is his second marriage and there is likely to be a third one in a few years time the way he treats relationships

seekinglondonlife · 05/02/2022 09:22

@Fairylightsongs the food is my favourite part of a wedding Blush

TrashyPanda · 05/02/2022 09:23

Can you cancel the accommodation?
Wouldn’t travel all that way, and stay over just for a party.
Far too expensive.

RockinHorseShit · 05/02/2022 09:24

It's very rude & guests should have been made aware of what exactly they were invited to from the offset, definitely before expectations to book any hotel. I don't think many would travel that far& overnight too, just for the evening do. We certainly wouldn't.

I'd cancel altogether tbh

Henlie · 05/02/2022 09:25

I think the issue here is the amount of effort guests are expected to make, balanced with the amount of hosting the wedding couple are actually doing.

It isn’t about not being invited to the Civil ceremony, but more about the expectation from the wedding couple that people should travel over 2.5hours, book a hotel room, buy a gift etc for what if effectively a buffet party with no drinks provided (quoting what Op said in one of her posts).

After receiving the invite, I’m wondering how many guests will politely decline now!

toomuchlaundry · 05/02/2022 09:30

For most wedding receptions you get a drink on arrival and bottles on the table. Anything else and especially in the evening you may have to pay for. Sounds as if you are not even getting that.

As @Henlie is saying sounds like the guests are having to put more effort in than the hosts are

saraclara · 05/02/2022 09:33

I don't know when weddings became so transactional.

What is it that makes a wedding party different from any other party? Do you refuse to travel for a 40th birthday party because you weren't there with the immediate family on the birthday morning? Or because the party food is a buffet?

We've twice driven up and stayed over to attend secondary evening wedding receptions. Never gave it a moment's resentment. We liked the couples, we had lots of mutual friends, they were great nights and we had fun.

grey12 · 05/02/2022 09:35

I would talk to the bride and groom 😕 that is not fair on you

Pyewhacket · 05/02/2022 09:36

@nocoolnamesleft

Poor form. If not invited to the actual wedding, I wouldn't want to travel 2.5 hours and have to pay to stay. Just for a party.
Me neither. Too much of a faff, just for a few beers and an egg-n-cress sarni.
toomuchlaundry · 05/02/2022 09:37

@saraclara because everything is getting so expensive. Accommodation isn’t cheap.

OP already has had to shell out for a hen do abroad. The wedding isn’t local it’s at a destination venue, so more costs.

Clymene · 05/02/2022 09:38

@saraclara

I don't know when weddings became so transactional.

What is it that makes a wedding party different from any other party? Do you refuse to travel for a 40th birthday party because you weren't there with the immediate family on the birthday morning? Or because the party food is a buffet?

We've twice driven up and stayed over to attend secondary evening wedding receptions. Never gave it a moment's resentment. We liked the couples, we had lots of mutual friends, they were great nights and we had fun.

In your examples, you knew you were not invited to the wedding and just the party. And chose to attend on that basis. Great!

The point the OP is making is that she thought she was invited to a wedding but she's not, she's invited to a party (where she has to buy her own drinks).

Can you really not see the difference?

I0NA · 05/02/2022 09:43

@AllOfUsAreDead

You're only invited for the presents basically. That's why they aren't spending much money on you, the buffet is the cheap part after all.

They are completely unreasonable, rude as fuck and weird as hell.

I agree. It’s not even a party, is it? If I went to a party I’d expect food and drink, although I’d bring a bottle. And if it was a birthday / engagement etc I’d take a small gift.

I’d not expect to buy my own drinks AND travel 2.5 hours AND have to stay overnight in an expensive hotel AND bring an expensive present AND buy a whole new outfit.

It’s a no thank you from me.

I think the B and G have only invited all the B list guests to fill the hotel and keep their own costs down.

StripyHorse · 05/02/2022 09:48

It's very entitled behaviour of the bride and groom to expect people to 'save the date' for an evening reception.

Save the date should be sent only to those people you are inviting to the full thing.

Larryyourwaiter · 05/02/2022 09:59

The problem is you don’t know what other plans people have turned down to go just to an evening do. Travelling and staying in a hotel might be a lot for some of people, and they might not just do it to go somewhere for an evening thing. That’s the bit they might hate (loud music etc).

Also there’s a huge variation in buffets I find. I’ve been to evening dos where there’s virtually been nothing to eat.

LookItsMeAgain · 05/02/2022 10:06

Guests are not being invited to the wedding though so it really depends on whether the invitations were to a wedding or a wedding reception/party.

I think the guests should have been informed before the accommodation was being booked that they weren't invited to the wedding itself but the reception/party only.

ISmellBurnings · 05/02/2022 10:14

I think it's rude as fuck and cannot believe they didn't tell guests that they weren't invited to the ceremony before people booked accommodation.

I think you’ve summed it up.

Especially after the long hen weekend abroad.

Cavagirl · 05/02/2022 10:19

I will never understand MN's obsession with being at the wedding ceremony. Or worse if people have the legal part separate to a religious/humanist ceremony "it's a fake wedding!!!" bollocks. It's so odd, no one I know IRL would bat an eyelid if the couple wanted a private ceremony with just close family and guests at the reception.

The party is the best part!!!

toomuchlaundry · 05/02/2022 10:25

But then it is just a party @Cavagirl.

I like to see people say their vows, gives me a warm fuzzy glow. Don’t quite get that glow seeing loads of people getting drunk at the evening do

RosesAndHellebores · 05/02/2022 10:25

@cavagirl because it's the difference between a marriage and a wedding. A marriage bonds two families for life. It is an important rite of passage. The reception is the natural celebration afterwards.

By all means people can do it their way but in the circumstances on this thread the party is separate from the marriage and really ought to be treated as a more casual affair which is absolutely fine if that's what the couple want. However expectations needed to be clear from the start.

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