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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this wedding invitation would annoy you?

262 replies

Limita · 04/02/2022 18:53

The invitation is to a wedding 2.5 hours away from where most guests live, and will require an overnight stay. The save the date went out months ago, and accommodation was booked. The invitations have now gone out to say that only the bride and groom's immediate family will be invited to the ceremony, and the rest of the guests are invited to join them for a party afterwards.

Would this bother you?

YABU - this is rude and guests should have been told earlier
YANBU - getting married is a personal experience and it's the party people care about attending

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 04/02/2022 19:12

Yabu . That would piss me off. All that travelling and paying for a room overnight for a evening do? No way.

Stupid to tell people to save a whole 24 hours for evening food and drinks.

Cuddlemuffin · 04/02/2022 19:12

Wedding Breakfast is just the term used for first meal after the wedding. Honestly I would be a little bit miffed at not being told earlier but at the same time PP are right in saying the ceremony is the boring bit. Unless you're a very close friend I wouldn't worry too much x

RevolutionRadio · 04/02/2022 19:14

Yabu, it should have been made clear originally what people were invited to.

I wouldn't travel that far for a party unless it was close family.

sadpapercourtesan · 04/02/2022 19:15

I'd think the B&G were shockingly self-absorbed and oblivious.

I wouldn't go, and I'd be fucking pissed off if I couldn't get refunds on the travel/clothing/gift/accommodation I'd already shelled out for.

This crazy syndrome of treating wedding guests like inanimate chess pieces has got to stop. There is no such thing as "your day". You are inviting your loved ones and friends to celebrate what is an important event for you. They are paying and giving up time to do this. It is nice of them. You need to be considerate and treat them with respect.

TheHoptimist · 04/02/2022 19:17

The ceremony is the only part I enjoy
The rest is usually a bit of a bore

MiddleClassProblem · 04/02/2022 19:17

I’d feel a bit miffed if I had missed the wedding breakfast but if there isn’t one and it’s only the ceremony missing I’d probably be in ok.

Although it’s a long way to go for just an evening do so I may retract my booking as I get tired quite with cfs. But if it was somewhere nice to visit, nice hotel then maybe I’d be fine! Disco nap. Stop wittering on MCP.

Henlie · 04/02/2022 19:19

So is it a sit down meal you’re all going to @Limita with drinks provided etc? Or a buffet with a paying bar?

WinterSpringSummerorFall · 04/02/2022 19:20

Yep, rude IMO

Tricked2003 · 04/02/2022 19:20

I wouldn't want to travel and pay for an overnight hotel in those circumstances. It seems wrong to send out save the date cards and not invite the person to the marriage ceremony!

LethargicActress · 04/02/2022 19:21

To ask people to basically come to an evening party 2 and a half hours away, without even letting them see the ceremony, is a lot to ask. Especially if they’ve booked expensive wedding venue accommodation.

Mothermorph · 04/02/2022 19:22

As far as MN are concerned all types of wedding invitation are unreasonable!!

Traumdeuter · 04/02/2022 19:22

Wording is key. Did the Save the Date say “wedding” or “wedding reception /party/etc”?

Bananarama21 · 04/02/2022 19:23

So they cut costs for having a wedding breakfast
(sit down meal) and having a later ceremony and evening do with buffet. I wouldn't entertain attending travelling and spending money on accommodation for an evening do. I attended a later wedding in the next town to us at 2 o'clock we didn't end up eating until 8.30/9 everyone was starving and there was not enough auderves for the guests when we got there , no drinks on the table minus a luke warm toast of cheap wine. Was one of the worse wedding we went to, weddings should be enjoyable.

LazJaz · 04/02/2022 19:26

Never understood the two tier guest arrangement. Have always felt this was rude TBH. It’s not usual in the culture I grew up around.

My view is that if they are good enough friends for you to pay over £50/head (conservative estimate of food, drink, venue) then surely you like them enough to ask them to see the vows?

What has been more usual in my group is for people to do the legal ceremonies elsewhere and have a different ceremony at the event that everyone is invited to. This might be a repeat of vow-esq things from B&G, or readings/similar from friends. This seems to satisfy guests. Could you consider this?

WorriedGiraffe · 04/02/2022 19:26

I’d be annoyed. It probably wouldn’t be as bad if the ceremony was early on, and then the reception was a proper wedding reception straight after, but 2.5 hours to an evening party that most likely has a buffet is just not worth the same amount of effort when the guests arnt actually invited to the wedding.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 04/02/2022 19:26

I would be a bit miffed, the save the date should have mentioned so people could decide whether to attend and book and pay for accommodation.

CornishGem1975 · 04/02/2022 19:28

I'm normally on the side of 'it's their wedding' blah blah blah, but no, this is pretty rude and there's no way I would travel 2.5 hours for a party.

Simplelobsterhat · 04/02/2022 19:29

We did similar for our wedding but we were upfront as soon as we told anyone the date, so no one booked accommodation expecting more. Most of our evening guests were local anyway, but several who weren't were happy to book accommodation, and I know I've attended evening parties (not necessarily weddings) for some of them and booked hotel so I didn't feel too bad. A few didn't come, probably because they thought it was too far for an evening, which is fair enough to be honest - invitation not a summons and all that.

I would be annoyed if I'd booked accommodation thinking it was for the whole event though. I'd want to decide whether to go or not with all the info. Unless there was a good reason for scaling back eg covid restrictions.

PeakyBlender · 04/02/2022 19:31

Yes.

toastofthetown · 04/02/2022 19:31

Are they planning any kind of humanist ceremony or similar in the evening? I know a lot of Mumsnet dislike being invited to a wedding where the legal marriage has happened previously but I've been to wedding like that where it is lovely.

I don't think it's rude though. They've been upfront now and they might not have realised that people would care. Personally seeing the ceremony wouldn't be deciding to if I would attend or not, and it seems that it was always planned for an evening event.

MajorCarolDanvers · 04/02/2022 19:32

Wouldn't bother me.

The party is the fun bit.

Original poster
Limita · 04/02/2022 19:35

@Henlie

So is it a sit down meal you’re all going to *@Limita* with drinks provided etc? Or a buffet with a paying bar?
It's a (nice) buffet and pay bar.
OP posts:
Westerman · 04/02/2022 19:37

YABVU. It should have been made clear from the outset.

TheCanyon · 04/02/2022 19:38

I went to a wedding like this, except no one was told until at the venue. It's weird and rude as fuck.

We had essentially travelled from Glasgow (where the groom was from so most his friends/family doing the same) to yorkshire and paid for a two night stay for a party.

merrymelodies · 04/02/2022 19:38

A PAY bar?! Wow. Nope. I wouldn't travel all that way and stay in paying accommodation for a wedding reception where, en plus, I had to pay for my drinks. How tacky of the bride and groom!

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