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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this wedding invitation would annoy you?

262 replies

Limita · 04/02/2022 18:53

The invitation is to a wedding 2.5 hours away from where most guests live, and will require an overnight stay. The save the date went out months ago, and accommodation was booked. The invitations have now gone out to say that only the bride and groom's immediate family will be invited to the ceremony, and the rest of the guests are invited to join them for a party afterwards.

Would this bother you?

YABU - this is rude and guests should have been told earlier
YANBU - getting married is a personal experience and it's the party people care about attending

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 04/02/2022 20:22

Yeah I’d have wanted to know when the save the date cards went out. I’d be interested to know why they don’t want their guests at their actual wedding ceremony. Seems weird they are inviting people to a wedding that’s not close to home for many and then de-inviting them to the ceremony. You either want to celebrate your wedding with your family and friends or you don’t. Odd decision I think

Grasping · 04/02/2022 20:23

Yes, it would, and I’m not easily annoyed

However, one of the best weddings I’ve been to was when I was invited to ceremony and then evening only. We went into the city with other friends, had dinner, a good catchup, got hammered and then went back for the party

MaizeAmaze · 04/02/2022 20:23

The ceremony has to be open to the public.
So, if there is no wedding breakfast, you could actually go to it all.
Sounds a bit strange tho.

Original poster
Limita · 04/02/2022 20:24

@ChicCroissant

I also think the OP is the bride who wants to do this - if I was a guest who received this I'd want to cancel tbh. Has something changed for the bride and groom between sending out the save the date cards and the invitations? I've never had a save the date for anything other than the ceremony and the wedding breakfast/reception (I don't mind evening only invitations either if they are local).
I'm not the bride. Nothing has changed.
OP posts:
Grasping · 04/02/2022 20:24

I would expect a ‘save the date’ for an evening invite tbh.

shouldistop · 04/02/2022 20:25

Only if it’s in a church… I’m assuming here it’s a civil ceremony at the same venue as the night do. Perhaps OP can clarify

I'm pretty sure all wedding ceremonies have to be open to the public?

Original poster
Limita · 04/02/2022 20:26

@MaizeAmaze

The ceremony has to be open to the public. So, if there is no wedding breakfast, you could actually go to it all. Sounds a bit strange tho.
I think this is just for church weddings. It isn't at a church. Not that I would gatecrash anyway.
OP posts:
OkThenJustChill · 04/02/2022 20:26

I wouldn't bother attending for a party.

Bellyups · 04/02/2022 20:27

If save the dates weren’t clear it was party only I’d cancel going. 2.5 hours for a party? Nope.
You send save the dates to people invited to the whole day. So they can get time off/sort logistics. To then be told it’s evening only is weird as fuck

Persephone89 · 04/02/2022 20:29

I don't think they were unreasonable at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ceremony could be very short, and the party is the celebration with friends and family - not everyone likes talking in front of huge groups of people, some people have large families, and not everyone can afford a venue big enough for more than immediate family.

I would travel 2.5hrs (and stay overnight) to celebrate a friend getting married without a second thought, and think saying you wouldn't travel 2.5 hours for 'a party' as if it's a random birthday is pretty disingenuous. Plus who wants a 2.5 hour drive back after a party?

And to be honest I've never known people to book accomodation until receiving the proper invite anyway - save the dates aren't as final as the proper invite and I thought the whole point was that something might change (whether that's COVID related or not).

Lucked · 04/02/2022 20:30

I am not sure I would travel 2.5hours for an event that didn’t start until evening and wasn’t a proper sit down meal but I would consider it if properly informed. A save the date and then a half invite would piss me off.

I enjoy all parts of a wedding I think it would feel a bit flat if all the guests were just getting involved at 7pm. Usually by then all guest have relaxed and let their hair down.

Personally I have never been to a wedding with a free bar and I have been to dozens - all middle class professionals. Drink on arrival, wine for the table and fizz for the toasts at all of them but never a free bar.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/02/2022 20:30

A save the date for an evening invitation only sounds like the couple have gone a bit Etsy daft. I've only ever had a save the date for the whole day, ceremony and reception.

MaizeAmaze · 04/02/2022 20:31

Nope, the ceremony has to be open to the public. So anyone who might object can turn up - which is also why notice has to be given and intent to marry 'advertised' - banns in church or posted at the registers office.

RampantIvy · 04/02/2022 20:31

I think it will be a very small party.

Is the wedding taking place near where the couple live, or have they chosen a destination in preference to making it easy for guests to attend?

toomuchlaundry · 04/02/2022 20:34

How do you feel @Limita?

Henlie · 04/02/2022 20:34

I’ve been to one event like this, where it was a second marriage for both the bridge and groom. They had a civil marriage the day before with just their parents and children. And then had a party in a hotel the next day. But the bride & groom were sensitive to the fact that people had traveled quite far and many were staying over. They put on a lavish buffet, with free wine, beer and soft drinks all night. They properly hosted the event.

I do think that in this instance where there’s no Wedding breakfast etc and people are travelling/staying the bride/groom need to up the anti a bit and feed and water their guests properly. I think a paying bar in this situation would just be adding insult to injury.

burnoutbabe · 04/02/2022 20:37

Would I attend a wedding then evening reception 2 1/2 hours away. Maybe, depends how close I am. Lots Less likely than if it was wedding, sit down meal and then buffet thing.

And then just an invite to the evening buffet? Probably not unless very close.

toppkatz · 04/02/2022 20:38

The invitation is to a wedding 2.5 hours away from where most guests live, and will require an overnight stay

That in itself would irritate me and put me off attending, to be honest.

Original poster
Limita · 04/02/2022 20:38

I think it will be a very small party. There are over 100 guests.

Is the wedding taking place near where the couple live, or have they chosen a destination in preference to making it easy for guests to attend? Destination in preference to ease (which I don't mind).

OP posts:
Original poster
Limita · 04/02/2022 20:40

@toomuchlaundry

How do you feel *@Limita*?
I think it's rude as fuck and cannot believe they didn't tell guests that they weren't invited to the ceremony before people booked accommodation.
OP posts:
Grumpsy · 04/02/2022 20:41

Personally if I wasn’t considered close enough to go to the actual ceremony I wouldn’t bother driving that far for a party

Henlie · 04/02/2022 20:44

@Limita - are you able to cancel your accommodation or is it non refundable?

As an aside, is it a first marriage for both the bride & groom?

And just out of interest was there a gift expectation, like department store gift list and/or ‘money poem’?

Wnkingawalrus · 04/02/2022 20:45

Incredibly poor form to expect people attending the evening reception to stay over night.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/02/2022 20:46

I wouldnt mind doing it for someone who lived a way away, par for the course especially if I was the one who moved! But they picked somewhere hours away just because its insta-pretty and then expected guests to stump up to attend, thats bad enough (and no I wouldnt be giving a gift in that circumstance). But to then find that upon attending there will be no actual wedding just a few plates of butties and buying over priced shite wine.....err no thank you!

Original poster
Limita · 04/02/2022 20:46

[quote Henlie]@Limita - are you able to cancel your accommodation or is it non refundable?

As an aside, is it a first marriage for both the bride & groom?

And just out of interest was there a gift expectation, like department store gift list and/or ‘money poem’?[/quote]
It's a first marriage for both, and yes, very much a gift expectation.

OP posts:
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