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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this wedding invitation would annoy you?

262 replies

Limita · 04/02/2022 18:53

The invitation is to a wedding 2.5 hours away from where most guests live, and will require an overnight stay. The save the date went out months ago, and accommodation was booked. The invitations have now gone out to say that only the bride and groom's immediate family will be invited to the ceremony, and the rest of the guests are invited to join them for a party afterwards.

Would this bother you?

YABU - this is rude and guests should have been told earlier
YANBU - getting married is a personal experience and it's the party people care about attending

OP posts:
Sockpile · 04/02/2022 19:59

I would hope that the accommodation is refundable as evening only invite with a pay bar would make me reconsider staying over!

PinkSyCo · 04/02/2022 19:59

Yes it would bother me. If I’m not good enough to come to the actual ceremony then kindly tell me this before I fork out for presents and accommodation.

feellikeanalien · 04/02/2022 19:59

@RG2468

I once travelled 3 freaking hours for a ceremony and not invited to the meal then invited to the party after. What a stupid idea for a wedding. Personally if you can’t invite everyone for the whole day then just say it’s a small intimate wedding from the start!

I’ve never understood the only evening do invite

It wasn't in Hertfordshire in the 80s was it?
Thethreecs · 04/02/2022 20:01

For me the party after is much better and I rather go to that than the church. The church part I find very boring.

I'm not in the UK, but reading replies here is it common practice for a free bar? I've never been to a wedding with a free bar, it's not common practice in Ireland. Usually it's, church, hotel for sit down meal, then band/dj dancing.

I'd actually like a buffet, you can choose what you like, I also like staying over so that I can stay up late, walk a few feet to my room and fall into bed.

YesILikeItToo · 04/02/2022 20:03

This was my situation. The registry office could accommodate only a certain number of guests. I decided that I wouldn’t choose between ‘ceremony’ and ‘party’ guests, because I thought that was invidious. So only family and the witnesses came to the ceremony and everyone else came to the party. Really, really good friends didn’t come to see the marriage, because of what I thought was the politest thing to do. Maybe they resented it more than I thought?

Fennellathewitch · 04/02/2022 20:03

Love a party, happy to stay overnight and maybe just a northern thing but I love an evening only invite. Never been to a wedding yet with a free bar all evening and I love a buffet and a dance.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 04/02/2022 20:03

@RosesAndHellebores

The usual misunderstanding between a marriage and a party. I thought the ceremony was always a public occasion that didn't require invitations. If it's a save the date I'd be expecting a traditional invitation to the whole shebang.
Only if it’s in a church… I’m assuming here it’s a civil ceremony at the same venue as the night do. Perhaps OP can clarify?
hopeso · 04/02/2022 20:05

Definitely unreasonable. And rude. I wouldn't go. At least if the couple were paying for the bar in this instance it would be a softener. And a meal or something planned for the next day.

Hubby and I once got invited to a church wedding and then the evening do. Not the wedding breakfast. There was a several hours gap between the wedding and the evening reception. The wedding was four hours away from us. Of course we didn't go. I still get annoyed when I think about it and it was years ago.

hopeso · 04/02/2022 20:06

Oh, and I think Limita must be the bride...

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/02/2022 20:07

Rude as fuck and I wouldn’t come

FindmeuptheFarawaytree · 04/02/2022 20:08

I wouldn't bother going, for me the ceremony is the meaningful part of a wedding as I'm not interested in the party/drinks part. However, some people I know would be happy to go as long as it had bee clear from the outset.

FidoRido · 04/02/2022 20:08

Doesn’t it depend on what the “party” is like? I’ve been to loads of weddings where the main celebration was the “party” (and the ceremony was a non-fancy quick ceremony somewhere to just do the legal bit). They were great and i would definitely travel and stay over for that.

If you mean that the party is more of a secondary event and the ceremony is the main celebration then perhaps people might feel miffed.

shouldistop · 04/02/2022 20:09

I feel like this thread might be moved to 30 days only or deleted for 'privacy reasons'. I've just clocked that it must be the ops wedding as how would a guest know it was a 'nice' buffet.

Somebodylikeyew · 04/02/2022 20:10

This is your wedding.

It’s very unreasonable to ask this of your guests.

Nottogetapenny · 04/02/2022 20:10

A friend of mine invited my husband and I to her son’s wedding, which was a 2.5 hours drive away. So we booked the hotel where the wedding, was going to be held which was really expensive! We were total to go to the church for 1 o’clock for the ceremony on the invitation. After the ceremony we were expecting to go back to the hotel for a wedding breakfast! It was announced at the ceremony that the bride and groom, with their immediate family, would see the guest later! Their was no mention of this on the invitation! We meet up at 7 o clock at the hotel, I foolishly though ok this is different but a nice meal now or a lovely buffet would be nice! We got nothing!
Was I expecting to much? And it’s not because they are short of money!

HeyBlaby · 04/02/2022 20:12

I wouldn't be attending and would be peeved at having already booked accommodation.

Briarshollow · 04/02/2022 20:12

All of the party, none of the boring shit bit at the beginning. Perfect!

blyn72 · 04/02/2022 20:12

@FawnFrenchieMum

Guests should have been told, but let’s be honest, the ceremony part is boring for anyone but the bride & groom and we all go for the party afterwards
Yes.

It wouldn't bother me at all. However you don't have to go if you don't want to. I think it is nice to have an excuse to get away, even for one night.

Ohpulltheotherone · 04/02/2022 20:12

I would personally travel 2.5 hours for a party yes.

I would also stay overnight if I wanted to have a drink and make an event of it.

I mean, a much loved friend or family members milestone birthday for instance - doesn’t seem a big deal to travel a couple of hours for say your very good friends 50th birthday (if they didn’t live close by).

So on that basis I wouldn’t necessarily have an issue travelling and staying over at all - assuming someone I loved and cared about (probs wouldn’t do it for a casual acquaintance or work mate)

I think the wedding aspect changed it slight bc wedding receptions are pretty rubbish at the best of times so it feels a right faff to go to all that expense for a few hours making small talk with random people you may or may not know.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to take this approach but they should have been clear with the save the date that it was a reception only event. They could have easily sent two types - one for the day and one for the reception evening do

Partyatnumberten · 04/02/2022 20:13

It sounds perfect to me. Skip the boring part & cut straight to the party.

thatsnotabadger · 04/02/2022 20:18

I've had this. The wedding party was tiny, one bridesmaid, parents, one sibling. Then there was 100+ of us for drinks, speeches, a meal and a party. It was great!

Original poster
Limita · 04/02/2022 20:18

Only if it’s in a church… I’m assuming here it’s a civil ceremony at the same venue as the night do. Perhaps OP can clarify?

Yes, that's it exactly.

For those accusing asking, no, I'm not the bride. I did word the OP in a way in which I hoped it wouldn't be clear which 'side' I was on so as to not influence the responses.

OP posts:
tearinghairout · 04/02/2022 20:19

For me the actual ceremony is the special part. I would be pretty upset at this. I hate the making a distinction between the favoured few and everyone else.

Fennellathewitch · 04/02/2022 20:20

I just go because I like the couple, and want to celebrate with them. All the free bar expectations seem a bit grabby. I understand that not everyone can attend the ceremony and let's face it that's the boring part. Also I love the whole multi generational let's invite who we want party, yes children , grandma, aunty, uncle and the next door neighbour and the maybe our postman on the dancefloor.
I'll just grab my coat now....

ChicCroissant · 04/02/2022 20:20

I also think the OP is the bride who wants to do this - if I was a guest who received this I'd want to cancel tbh. Has something changed for the bride and groom between sending out the save the date cards and the invitations? I've never had a save the date for anything other than the ceremony and the wedding breakfast/reception (I don't mind evening only invitations either if they are local).

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