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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex has thrown cat litter on me when asked to leave tonight

182 replies

Nightowl1989 · 04/02/2022 00:03

I allowed my Ex who I had been friends with since the break up a year ago, to stay in my spare room for the last two weeks as he has recently become homeless. I have a 2 year old daughter who went to bed tonight at 18:30, at 10pm I said I was going to bed and he said I'm gonna go to my bed too he goes upstairs I'm cleaning up (more of his mess) all he does is lay on his bed most of the day and go down for food and leave a mess (doesn't work he's far too lazy for that) I'd been at work got home and tidied it all up, anyway he started singing really really loud! I said X stop singing please your going to wake my DD up he started shouting and singing louder, I shouted up to him "shut up" which probably isn't the nicest thing to say but I just feel he has no respect for me my house or my daughter and he said "eww fuck off you fat cow" under his breath but I heard it so I asked him to get out of my house and he proceeded to throw a dirty cat litter box full contents all down stairs and on me at the bottom, then told me he was "on his dad's grave" (very immature thing for a 32 year old to say) going to smash my window and car tonight. He left after calling me some more names and I have reported it to the police but I feel so bad for some reason because I asked him to leave at 10pm and he doesn't have any where else to go he's just so snappy and can be nasty and makes me feel like I'm walking on egg shells in my own home and I don't want my daughter around him to be honest. I gave him a set of rules when I allowed him to stay such as don't smoke in the house don't be too loud don't go to sleep with lights on tidy up after yourself and don't slob around on my sofa all day and night and since he stayed he's smoked in my house left his stuff everywhere woke us up at half 4 in the morning yesterday being so loud and sitting in my front room watching stupid YouTube stuff not allowing me time to relax after either work or looking after my daughter all day.
Abiu for asking him to leave at 10pm for shouting and singing upstairs when my daughter is asleep?
Sorry if it doesn't read very well due to bad grammar I'm just so angry!

OP posts:

MaitreKarlsson · 04/02/2022 19:05

Well done OP - you're turning it around You've got lots of support here

BunnyRuddington · 04/02/2022 19:06

You've done brilliantly for both yourself and your DD. The absolute scum bag calling you names when he realised you weren't going to let him back in. Please try not to give him, or his nasty little comments any headspace.

hpdiehard · 04/02/2022 19:18

@Nightowl1989 you're showing your strength and are a great mum I'm sure. Please don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're overreacting or crazy- he's just pathetic! Now his stuff is gone, block his number and maybe also get a ring doorbell? So sorry this has happened to you x

StrawberryLollipops · 04/02/2022 21:48

Congratulations OP! Well done
Stay strong and keep yourself and your daughter safe.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 04/02/2022 22:33

@Nightowl1989

Just an update he did try coming back today saying he was sorry and he'd have never smashed my window, I did NOT let him in and when I asked him to step to the end of the garden and wait there till I'd put his bin bags of smelly clothes and crusty socks 🤮 out and locked my door again he actually had the audacity to call me a "freak" and "dramatic" (it's that sort of thing that makes me question whether I am just being dramatic, either way I don't want to see him again) I'm just so glad he's gone. Next door have CCTV cameras up and have turned one to face me house at the front and at the back and have said that if I ever have any trouble to ring them as they will be there quicker than the police. Thank you to everyone who was really nice and got me through the night as I was really worried. To those not being so nice I think unless someone has completely worn you down hurt you feelings and confidence you will never know how hard it is to shut the door on them for good even if you don't actually want to be with them anymore.

Good on you. You should feel so proud to have stood up for yourself and your daughter. And hurray for lovely neighbours!

Don't read the vipers nest responses. Some people just like to find fault in literally everything.

Newestname002 · 04/02/2022 22:58

@Nightowl1989

Well done, @Nightowl1989 - he's really illustrating the how much of a scumbag he is, isn't he?

You dealt with returning his belongings well and safely and what lovely, kind neighbours you have. 🌹

Lollipity · 04/02/2022 23:59

Well done, that's a great result.

His response confirms your choice. He is still not recognising that his appalling behaviour has led to this consequence.

Now block him on everything and never speak to him again.

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 00:05

@Nightowl1989 haven’t read the full thread but this really hit home for me

I'm just kicking myself as he beat me up last year and for some stupid reason i made "friends"with him as I guess I felt sorry for him so you could say it's my own fault and I abiu because I should have seen it coming!

I did the same thing. I felt guilty. I am now living in a refuge for abused women and children hours away from my home. There’s been social services and police involvement. My son (not my ex’s) has left his school and his friends.

Do NOT let it get to this point.
You have done nothing wrong. Put his things outside, If he shows up ring the police, if he does anything ring the police. If he texts/rings/messages just log it and don’t respond. Please don’t end up in a situation like me.

FurbleSocks · 05/02/2022 00:08

Oh Nightowl! You are none of those things he calls you. He's lashing out with words because he wants to hurt you. The police made the bags suggestion so it's not even you he's really calling dramatic or a freak. It's the trained professional whose advice you took. You sound like you've got good values you just need to believe in the power of you more. The Freedom programme will help you with that.

Iwonderifiwonderwhy · 05/02/2022 00:14

Please never allow this horrible man back in your life. Well done for throwing him out 👏 👏 👏

I suspect he’s too lazy too actually do anything to your car but it’s good you called police.

mathanxiety · 05/02/2022 00:42

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LET THIS MAN GO NEAR YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTER EVER AGAIN.

mathanxiety · 05/02/2022 00:44

It never ends well for little girls whose mothers let violent men into their homes.

SocialConnection · 05/02/2022 00:52

Well done!

And I love your line ' he actually had the audacity to call me a "freak" and "dramatic" ' - that's the spirit, you're angry and scornful about him and his attitude now, not self-critical or uncertain any more.

And great neighbours, too - you're rallying your supporters round you, now!

Suzi888 · 05/02/2022 00:56

Well good riddance to bad rubbish as my nan would say.
Jesus set your standards higher😣 get some self respect! You can do better than this!!!!

Quirkyme · 05/02/2022 01:04

You need to get out of this situation.

Jacopo · 05/02/2022 01:10

You’ve done brilliantly OP. All the best for the future.

QuinnMovesOn · 05/02/2022 05:32

Well done!!! Now just hold that line (and call the police if he shows up again and tries to step across it.)

And please consider counseling for yourself, I think it could help you a lot with self esteem and learning to set boundaries.

Twiglets1 · 05/02/2022 05:46

He manipulated you because you are kind. It’s a shame it all kicked off at night as that does make it seem worse to throw him out but remember, he chose to behave like that. He could have chosen to behave decently and then he would still be living at yours. At the end of the day, you did the right thing.

MissMogwai · 05/02/2022 06:36

Well done OP. He sounds fucking awful (understatement).

I'm sure he'll be in touch again with another sob story - keep strong. He won't change.

Think how good your life will be now, and how free you'll be. Your home will be how you want it, no lazy fucker swanning about making you feel anxious and pissed off.

Onwards and upwards 🥂

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 05/02/2022 07:26

Nothing to add but YANBU. Don't let him back in.

ApolloandDaphne · 05/02/2022 07:55

Well done for getting him out. Now you need to keep him out.

CristinaYangismySpiritAnimal · 05/02/2022 07:58

YABU to have ever met him in your house. You have a (very young) child to protect and she should be coming first. Stop letting awful men in her home.

5keletor · 05/02/2022 08:19

Great result, and sounds like you have very supportive neighbours too!
Him calling you names for following police advice just further proves that he uses insults to put you down and erode your self-worth. It is a common tactic for abusers and unfortunately can be easy to believe it, but it sounds like you're quite rightly blocking him out completely now.

liveforsummer · 05/02/2022 10:11

Don't beat yourself up OP. It's understandable to believe someone has changed when they can be so very convincing and need help in the way this man did.I've made a similar mistake, I think sometimes you need that final eye opener but once you've had it those boundaries will be so strong from now on - not just with this man but with everyone other one that comes in to your life from now on. It certainly has done for me

billy1966 · 05/02/2022 11:09

Well done OP.

If he attempts to contact you again, tell him you logged his assault with the police and you will call them again if he comes near you again.

Stop being kind, if it puts you at risk.

Your obligation is to your daughter and yourself.

Keep yourself safe.

Throwing that cat litter at you was assault.

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