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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex has thrown cat litter on me when asked to leave tonight

182 replies

Nightowl1989 · 04/02/2022 00:03

I allowed my Ex who I had been friends with since the break up a year ago, to stay in my spare room for the last two weeks as he has recently become homeless. I have a 2 year old daughter who went to bed tonight at 18:30, at 10pm I said I was going to bed and he said I'm gonna go to my bed too he goes upstairs I'm cleaning up (more of his mess) all he does is lay on his bed most of the day and go down for food and leave a mess (doesn't work he's far too lazy for that) I'd been at work got home and tidied it all up, anyway he started singing really really loud! I said X stop singing please your going to wake my DD up he started shouting and singing louder, I shouted up to him "shut up" which probably isn't the nicest thing to say but I just feel he has no respect for me my house or my daughter and he said "eww fuck off you fat cow" under his breath but I heard it so I asked him to get out of my house and he proceeded to throw a dirty cat litter box full contents all down stairs and on me at the bottom, then told me he was "on his dad's grave" (very immature thing for a 32 year old to say) going to smash my window and car tonight. He left after calling me some more names and I have reported it to the police but I feel so bad for some reason because I asked him to leave at 10pm and he doesn't have any where else to go he's just so snappy and can be nasty and makes me feel like I'm walking on egg shells in my own home and I don't want my daughter around him to be honest. I gave him a set of rules when I allowed him to stay such as don't smoke in the house don't be too loud don't go to sleep with lights on tidy up after yourself and don't slob around on my sofa all day and night and since he stayed he's smoked in my house left his stuff everywhere woke us up at half 4 in the morning yesterday being so loud and sitting in my front room watching stupid YouTube stuff not allowing me time to relax after either work or looking after my daughter all day.
Abiu for asking him to leave at 10pm for shouting and singing upstairs when my daughter is asleep?
Sorry if it doesn't read very well due to bad grammar I'm just so angry!

OP posts:
Herewearestar · 04/02/2022 01:35

A friend got a police officer to attend when she collected goods from her ex’s property. They have offered this option to women in the past.

I’d phone and ask the police to attend when he collects his stuff from yours if you are worried about your and your daughter’s safety. Worth enquiring at least.

Notimeforaname · 04/02/2022 01:37

I have just had the police contact me to make an appointment to come speak to me to help safeguard me and my daughter from him they're coming Sunday they have advised me to pack his things up and have them near the door and tell him to ring when he gets there and that I can then put them out side the house and shut the door and he can get them.

Ah fantastic op. Ask them for every service they know of that may be of use to you and your daughter .

You're both extremely vulnerable and need all the support you can get.

Original poster
Nightowl1989 · 04/02/2022 01:39

@SocialConnection

Posted too soon! If it does get damaged it could trigger more.

Is it three exes now who have treated you like shit? I wonder if this is something you observed in your own childhood? The thing is your own daughter is observing and learning it now. Time to break the pattern.

You mentioned just hearing his voice makes your heart race - it's a learned response to stress and can be bad for your health, and for hers, too.

You're talking the first steps to taking control over your life.

Now - do you have any binbags or cardboard boxes?

Two relationships like this, my mum used to foster and it made me feel sorry for people with terrible upbringings and I feel sorry for them then they just shit all over you, or throw shit all over you 🤣 I've been single a fair while now, and plan to remain single for a fair while longer as I want to work on my own self esteem and also just enjoy it being me and my daughter. I have bin bags :)
OP posts:
BellatrixOnABadDay · 04/02/2022 01:47

So glad the police called you OP. Please take up anything they suggest, and self-refer to womens aid as well.

You aren't stupid or a bad mum, not one bit. Just see this as the turning point, the catalyst for you to really protect yourself, build your boundaries and model the kind of self respect that you want your DD to have for herself.

misty85 · 04/02/2022 01:50

I understand it’s not easy when you feel scared, but look at it from another angle. Imagine your daughter was grown and had someone in her home treating her like that? You would be furious..
He has absolutely no respect for you and your little 1.
He is a disgrace I can’t even call that a man.
He’s in this position because of his own actions.. I would definitely get some sort of injunction in place so he can’t come near you or your little 1. I really hope you can get this settled with minimal dramas. Good luck…. He’s an animal I hope he gets the awakening he’s well overdue.
P.s Take no shit from anyone 💪🏽

Lollipity · 04/02/2022 01:55

You sound like you've now made some progress with your attitude towards him.

I had some terrible relationships on the back of feeling sorry for ex-partners life circumstances when I was younger. This has led me to a situation where I've had to bring up two children with no maintenance or support from their father (and a lot of harassment thrown in to the mix for good measure). I'm doing well now as I managed to keep a career through it all, but look back and can see that I was so deperately naive.

It is so important for women to be aware that some men that come with a sob story will use this to garner your sympathy, while taking absolutely no steps in taking responsibility for their own lives or actions or abusive behaviours.

Get someone else to give him the bags, and never speak to him again. Do not get drawn into any debate or conversation with him as he will only try to either intimidate you, or make excuses and try to capture your sympathy again.

Etak123 · 04/02/2022 01:56

He’s been gaslighting you, making you feel like you are bad and making you doubt yourself. That’s how manipulation works. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT X
This is mental abuse and starting physical abuse. Please never let him back into your life, if he carries on call the police and get a restraining order.
I wish you well and maybe try and get some counselling, it might help you to realise none of this is your fault and how to recovery and recognise any behaviour towards you like this in the future xxx
Good luck with everything.

Gilead · 04/02/2022 03:21

Bless you, you’ve done the right thing. He came to you knowing he could control you and that you’re a soft touch, but you’ve seen the light and established boundaries and he’s peed off with you. He’ll be at a mates drinking and the further away from you the better.
I bet you’re a great mum. 💐

WorstXmasEver · 04/02/2022 03:24

I have 2 girls & I'd never let that type of person around a child.

QuinnMovesOn · 04/02/2022 03:43

Well done on bringing in the police and sorting out how to deal with this. Your previous choices do not make you a bad person or mum. You just have to stand firm and block the asshat and make sure he never comes back into your life.

Then please try to work on your self esteem with a therapist. It will take a lot of work but it is worth it. You are worth it!

TheCurrywurstPrion · 04/02/2022 04:11

Good luck, OP. You sound like a lovely person. I hope you get the help you need.

Kuachui · 04/02/2022 04:19

sorry you have a daughter who is not his and youvket some guy that beat you up stay in your house? Listen...

You need to protect your child. its your duty to have a safe environment for your kid, and thats not safe.

doesnt matter if you feel bad, he brought it on himself, imagine how bad youd feel if he turns around on your kid? he sounds unpredictable.

MimiDaisy11 · 04/02/2022 05:15

Never have someone like that around your child again. You really need to work on making better decisions. It’s not normal to have someone who beat you up come stay with you and your daughter. He’s not your responsibility. Best of luck in improving your self confidence and esteem. You can do it!

Rodion · 04/02/2022 05:18

Echoing everything everyone else has already said, but I just wanted to add:

Please don't feel bad thinking you kicked him out at 10pm and he had nowhere to go. He did have somewhere to go, someone who'd taken him in - you. He knew the rules but had no respect for them or you. Then he behaved like a naughty toddler when you pointed that out. You literally couldn't have done more for him. He chose to back you into such a tight corner that the only way to provide your daughter with a safe home was to get him to leave. The entire thing was his set of decisions, not yours, so don't frame it as something you did to him. It was something he did to himself that you had no control over. The end Flowers

Lemonsandlemonade · 04/02/2022 05:47

Hi OP just wanted to say you’re not a bad mum at all but you’ve made bad choices. He has abused and gaslit you.

Being empathetic towards other peoples struggles is not a bad thing but that doesn’t mean you should get into relationships with them or indeed take any form of abuse off them.

mytwocats · 04/02/2022 06:07

He’s your X &!he did that to you show him the doo he does not belong in your house

Beautiful3 · 04/02/2022 06:40

Honestly, your child comes first. You don't welcome a man who beat you up last year, into your daughter's home. This isn't just about you, consider what kind of role models are around her and the safety of her home.i think you've behaved appallingly. Why would you put the needs of a violent ex, over those of your daughter?

GreetingsAndSalutations · 04/02/2022 06:48

He’s a nasty cunt and on top of that, a dangerous one as he’s already beaten you up. Needless to say, never let him back, stay the fuck away from him. I’m really sorry this has happened to you.

Iwab82 · 04/02/2022 06:53

The only thing you should be feeling guilty about is putting your daughter at risk, not chucking your ex out.

eldora · 04/02/2022 06:54

It’s not great that the police expect you to call him about his stuff.

Are they not even going to call him?

When my brother was abusive to me, the police took his number to call him.

RachaelN · 04/02/2022 07:17

Please cut this person out of your life completely. He thinks he has control over you.

crazyjinglist · 04/02/2022 07:25

You are worth more than this, OP. You need to think about what made you feel sorry for and try to be friends with someone who beat you up and regularly insulted you. And why you allowed a man you knew was violent to stay in a house with your young daughter.

Marshmelllo · 04/02/2022 07:29

@Nightowl1989

I'm just kicking myself as he beat me up last year and for some stupid reason i made "friends"with him as I guess I felt sorry for him so you could say it's my own fault and I abiu because I should have seen it coming!
He beat you up?

I'm so glad you let him go last night.

It's very hard after an abusive relationship. You become so conditioned to facilitating him and minimising his bad behaviour, because basically you are scared of the repercussions if you stand up to him.

You guys rid of him a year ago but your soft heart got the better of you when you saw him homeless. Also there's a part of you that always feels better when it's on the right side of him, so you do things you hope will get his approval and co-operation.

You did well last night. You do have to wash your hands of this person. It is not your fault.

Marshmelllo · 04/02/2022 07:31

And yes you need some support, some counselling, because you should never have let him in the house if he's been violent. You have a young child.

Beamur · 04/02/2022 07:34

You've made 2 good strong decisions tonight. You kicked this lazy scrounger out and called the police.
He's not your friend and don't feel sorry for him again.
Have empathy for people having a tough time, but don't feel the need to rescue them.