Ex has thrown cat litter on me when asked to leave tonight

[Nightowl1989]

I allowed my Ex who I had been friends with since the break up a year ago, to stay in my spare room for the last two weeks as he has recently become homeless. I have a 2 year old daughter who went to bed tonight at 18:30, at 10pm I said I was going to bed and he said I'm gonna go to my bed too he goes upstairs I'm cleaning up (more of his mess) all he does is lay on his bed most of the day and go down for food and leave a mess (doesn't work he's far too lazy for that) I'd been at work got home and tidied it all up, anyway he started singing really really loud! I said X stop singing please your going to wake my DD up he started shouting and singing louder, I shouted up to him "shut up" which probably isn't the nicest thing to say but I just feel he has no respect for me my house or my daughter and he said "eww fuck off you fat cow" under his breath but I heard it so I asked him to get out of my house and he proceeded to throw a dirty cat litter box full contents all down stairs and on me at the bottom, then told me he was "on his dad's grave" (very immature thing for a 32 year old to say) going to smash my window and car tonight. He left after calling me some more names and I have reported it to the police but I feel so bad for some reason because I asked him to leave at 10pm and he doesn't have any where else to go he's just so snappy and can be nasty and makes me feel like I'm walking on egg shells in my own home and I don't want my daughter around him to be honest. I gave him a set of rules when I allowed him to stay such as don't smoke in the house don't be too loud don't go to sleep with lights on tidy up after yourself and don't slob around on my sofa all day and night and since he stayed he's smoked in my house left his stuff everywhere woke us up at half 4 in the morning yesterday being so loud and sitting in my front room watching stupid YouTube stuff not allowing me time to relax after either work or looking after my daughter all day.
Abiu for asking him to leave at 10pm for shouting and singing upstairs when my daughter is asleep?
Sorry if it doesn't read very well due to bad grammar I'm just so angry!

@Nightowl1989 I think you really need to speak to the police again or at least to womens aid because I'm really concerned about what this scumbag could do in retaliation to you. Your posts are honestly terrifying- you need to do the freedom programme and learn about boundaries as a matter of urgency.

When I split up with my ex I was given info about taking out a non molestation order- please look at this now:

www.ncdv.org.uk/are-you-suffering-domestic-abuse/how-the-law-can-protect-you/

Please call the police again and say you urgently need advice on protecting yourself from this piece of shit! You have to protect your DD as well.

I had a twat of an ex, and a lot of people couldn't understand why I stayed with him. I thought he needed me! That's all it was. I worried what would become of him without me and my help. Best thing I ever did was stop caring.

He doesn't need you. He will be just fine. If he has a bad few nights, he'll survive. He'll find someone else to make miserable.

I had nightmares for years that I got back together with my ex. It's like my brain still can't make sense of how I was involved with such a truly awful person and why I put myself through such a shit life.

You'll be thinking about him smoking in your house with your daughter for years. Put a stop to it now so there's nothing more to regret.

Does your child's father have any say in this? I get the feeling you have had some shit experiences in your life. But please think of your child first - her and your own safety are your first responsibility. Not a grown man who is violent and disrespectful to women.

He has to learn that actions have consequences. If the consequence of his actions tonight means he has to sleep in a shop doorway then so be it.

You've received some of that Mumsnet speciality, 'tough love', tonight!

And bloody well done for reporting it. Talking to people with authority in real life is a great step to freeing yourself from being a doormat and protecting your daughter from being around it all.

What you've written is great because it's helped you organise your thinking and put it into words.

Hope you sleep well tonight. 👏👏👏

My DD dad refuses to see her as his new P doesn't want him to.
My ex and a previous ex have seriously lowered my self esteem to the point I feel very worthless like I almost deserve it even though I know I don't if that makes sense. But he does scare me very much I just forgot how much when he raises his voice my heartbeat races.
He obviously will go to his mum's or something but I don't actually care now. I just can't sleep thinking about how I should handle getting his stuff back Im going to pack it all up and I want to put it outside but I'm scared it will get damaged and he will get agressive but I don't want to see him either. I'm just so scared.

Never speak to him again.
Contact womens aid and look into the freedom program.

Block all lines of contact so you dont get sucked back in.

I'm a bit concerned about why you are focussing on the cat litter box, the guy is a twat and total loser!

Reading your posts, he has treated you badly all the way, before and now.

Clearly, he should never have been inside at yours to begin with, let alone stay over in the spare room.

Do not ever interact with him again! If he pops around to apologize (read this as sucking up) shut the door (or don't even open it to start with). Do not engage with him in any way. He can trot along.

Do you have friends or family you can call tonight?

OP, if you're still awake, you should call an emergency locksmith out now. I know it's expensive but he could have a key. You don't want him back in your house under any circumstances, but especially as he's threatened you tonight, has history of violence towards you and you're scared he'll retaliate. You absolutely don't have to allow him entry to collect his stuff. Bag it up and put it outside.

He doesn't need to come into your home again for any reason whatsoever. Don't let him in out of fear of what he'll do if you don't, just call the police if he shows up and does anything other than quietly collect his stuff from outside and go again.

If you're asleep now then get the locksmith tomorrow before you go to work. If he gains entry before you return you could lose a lot more than a day's wages, so beg time off if your manager is sympathetic or else call in sick if you have to.

You aren't worthless @Nightowl1989 💐

Please, please contact woman's aid? Can you call them ASAP to ask for advice on keeping yourself safe immediately, and also about doing the freedom programme?

You're wasting your time trying to see the good in him. There isn't any.

He is clearly demonstrating to you who he is, and he isn't a nice person. He's a shit. Believe him and do not let him back in.

I hope he hasn't got a key. If he has then you need to urgently get your locks changed tomorrow. For now pull something heavy across the inside of the door to block him.

@Aquamarine1029

I'm sorry, op, but your judgement is absolutely appalling. How could you possibly allow this fucking maniac into your home, where your child is? What on earth were you thinking? You need professional help to learn about healthy boundaries and standards.

i was about to post this. fucking hell OP, your poor daughter. You’re supposed to protect her

@WildPoinsettia

OP, if you're still awake, you should call an emergency locksmith out now. I know it's expensive but he could have a key. You don't want him back in your house under any circumstances, but especially as he's threatened you tonight, has history of violence towards you and you're scared he'll retaliate. You absolutely don't have to allow him entry to collect his stuff. Bag it up and put it outside.

He doesn't need to come into your home again for any reason whatsoever. Don't let him in out of fear of what he'll do if you don't, just call the police if he shows up and does anything other than quietly collect his stuff from outside and go again.

If you're asleep now then get the locksmith tomorrow before you go to work. If he gains entry before you return you could lose a lot more than a day's wages, so beg time off if your manager is sympathetic or else call in sick if you have to.

He's not moved off my sofa or the bed in the spare room for two weeks he 100% does not have a key to my house thank god, both the back door and front door keys are on my set of keys and he's not been near them.

I just always try my hardest to see the good in people

And that's exactly where you're falling down, along with lack of boundaries...

Stop looking for the good in people that simply isn't there, this is how you're getting conned...

Pack his stuff up and you could ask his mother to collect it. I'm quite concerned that it he comes back to collect it, and turns on the crocodile tears, you'll let him back in.

Are you secure in your place right now? Locks, etc?

If you can't sleep and your mind is racing, you might find that getting on with the collecting and packing it all up right now instead of thinking of the worst can help.

It will get the job done while your resolve is strong, so in the morning it will all be ready to go.

It will give you something that you can control to focus your mind on.

The physical activity will give the adrenaline which is causing you to feel agitated something to do.

You say he'll go to his mother - so he's not helpless. Can you contact her in the morning and arrange a time for his stuff to be collected? And ensure you have someone, a relative, friend or neighbour to be there then? You're right not to just leave it outside.

@Nightowl1989

I'm just kicking myself as he beat me up last year and for some stupid reason i made "friends"with him as I guess I felt sorry for him so you could say it's my own fault and I abiu because I should have seen it coming!

Oh, bless you. This is not your fault! I totally understand though as I always put everyone before me. But I am slowly learning about boundaries and that my own self-care and boundaries are not selfish.

@betwixtlives I understand what your saying, and it was very poor judgement. Having said that she did remain asleep thru it all and I honestly don't think she's ever heard an argument in her life, hence why he thinks I make her afraid of people as I don't argue Infront of her or let her gear shouting and he thinks she needs to or she will always be weary of strangers.
But yes totally agree I'm a shit mum and shouldn't have let him in

I would also strongly advise you not to date or get into any more relationships with anyone until you've sorted out your self worth.

Without it you're vunerable, and a walking target for men like him.

[quote Nightowl1989]@betwixtlives I understand what your saying, and it was very poor judgement. Having said that she did remain asleep thru it all and I honestly don't think she's ever heard an argument in her life, hence why he thinks I make her afraid of people as I don't argue Infront of her or let her gear shouting and he thinks she needs to or she will always be weary of strangers.
But yes totally agree I'm a shit mum and shouldn't have let him in[/quote]
You aren't a shit mum but you need to step up NOW and make sure you protect both of you. Your first priority is your immediate safety. Please OP, will you call the police again, or womens aid at least? And find out if you can take out a non molestation order?

Your next step after getting shot of that pond life is doing the freedom programme, you really would benefit from it.

I don't have a way of contacting his mum, he comes from a shit upbringing probs why I felt sorry for him his mum is a heavy drug user and doesn't even have a phone and tbh I don't think I'd contact her if she did.
I have just had the police contact me to make an appointment to come speak to me to help safeguard me and my daughter from him they're coming Sunday they have advised me to pack his things up and have them near the door and tell him to ring when he gets there and that I can then put them out side the house and shut the door and he can get them.
I really hope people don't think I let him in because I wanted to get back together with him because I really really did not it was genuinely because he was crying at my door that he was homeless. I know how stupid I sound

Posted too soon! If it does get damaged it could trigger more.

Is it three exes now who have treated you like shit? I wonder if this is something you observed in your own childhood? The thing is your own daughter is observing and learning it now. Time to break the pattern.

You mentioned just hearing his voice makes your heart race - it's a learned response to stress and can be bad for your health, and for hers, too.

You're talking the first steps to taking control over your life.

Now - do you have any binbags or cardboard boxes?

You're not stupid - you've done a wise and brave thing tonight in awful circumstances. Re him coming to collect - I really recommend having someone there with you when he comes.

I'm going to look into the freedom project as alot of you have mentioned this so it must be of some benefit.
I feel I am safe right now I have the special clips top and bottom of my doors and they are on and the police have rang back and have everything logged and that all I need to do is ring 999 and someone will come straight out.

You're not a shit mum op.

You've just made some shit decisions... but you're very aware of them now and asking for advice here, it shows you're willing to look at yourself and make a change That's a good person .

Its clear you care a great deal about your daughter and love her very much.

You just need lots of help and support here as pps have said, with boundaries,self esteem and better judgement.

Have a search for services around your area and make sure you get some support and counselling.