Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex has thrown cat litter on me when asked to leave tonight

182 replies

Nightowl1989 · 04/02/2022 00:03

I allowed my Ex who I had been friends with since the break up a year ago, to stay in my spare room for the last two weeks as he has recently become homeless. I have a 2 year old daughter who went to bed tonight at 18:30, at 10pm I said I was going to bed and he said I'm gonna go to my bed too he goes upstairs I'm cleaning up (more of his mess) all he does is lay on his bed most of the day and go down for food and leave a mess (doesn't work he's far too lazy for that) I'd been at work got home and tidied it all up, anyway he started singing really really loud! I said X stop singing please your going to wake my DD up he started shouting and singing louder, I shouted up to him "shut up" which probably isn't the nicest thing to say but I just feel he has no respect for me my house or my daughter and he said "eww fuck off you fat cow" under his breath but I heard it so I asked him to get out of my house and he proceeded to throw a dirty cat litter box full contents all down stairs and on me at the bottom, then told me he was "on his dad's grave" (very immature thing for a 32 year old to say) going to smash my window and car tonight. He left after calling me some more names and I have reported it to the police but I feel so bad for some reason because I asked him to leave at 10pm and he doesn't have any where else to go he's just so snappy and can be nasty and makes me feel like I'm walking on egg shells in my own home and I don't want my daughter around him to be honest. I gave him a set of rules when I allowed him to stay such as don't smoke in the house don't be too loud don't go to sleep with lights on tidy up after yourself and don't slob around on my sofa all day and night and since he stayed he's smoked in my house left his stuff everywhere woke us up at half 4 in the morning yesterday being so loud and sitting in my front room watching stupid YouTube stuff not allowing me time to relax after either work or looking after my daughter all day.
Abiu for asking him to leave at 10pm for shouting and singing upstairs when my daughter is asleep?
Sorry if it doesn't read very well due to bad grammar I'm just so angry!

OP posts:
OliviaEva · 04/02/2022 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

BunnyRuddington · 04/02/2022 08:51

Raise your standards! You don’t owe him a home or a bed. Change your locks and tell him to fuck off

My first thought was to get the locks changed as well.

You also need people around you abs your DD who are positive influences in your lives Thanks

RedCandyApple · 04/02/2022 08:53

I was hoping that this wasn’t real as this is madness. Who on earth would let their violent ex partner stay in their home with their 2 year old baby? Seriously read the news there are many many stories of these men killing their exes and their child. Never see this man again.

SocialConnection · 04/02/2022 08:58

Hey, OP, how are you this morning?

Last night you did three brave, wise things in taking control, removing him from your home and your daughter's life, and calling in the professionals to support you.

👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐

You've had it all thrown at you. Exposure in early childhood to people whose behaviour shaped your view of the world. Violent bullying men who ill treated you and abandoned you. A weak man who denies and ignores his own child. The cat litter was the catalyst - the thing that triggered the change.

None of this is your fault. But this is all you've ever known - and now your own childhood is being replayed for your daughter who was being made to live with toxic influences.

Your actions last night were old patterns being broken, which is very frightening to do, but MUST be done to make a better future for you both.

My best advice? Step away from men for a while. You only get involved with the bad ones because they're all you've ever known. There are good, kind, decent, loving men out there. But getting on with healing yourself with some of the therapy and support you can access without any more damaged and damaging influences in the way is essential. You and your daughter are the most important relationship you have.

NotNowAlan · 04/02/2022 08:59

I just always try my hardest to see the good in people , you need to stop doing that. You need to be wary of people until you have really got to know them. Boundaries are healthy, you need to learn some and encourage your daughter to have them as she grows. I taught my daughters to know their worth, and as adults they take no shit.

It's so interesting that your parents fostered. I have a friend whose parents ran a foster home and she's like you, bends over backwards for everyone, always puts her own needs last, sees the best in everyone. It's so frustrating because she gets used and taken advantage of all the time. I'm always amazed that she's surprised and upset when obviously horrible people are horrible to her.

Stay away from men for a good long while. Your daughter is very vulnerable and you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

Smackthepony · 04/02/2022 09:00

Also OP, he sounds like the kind of ‘man’ who won’t be intimidated by the threat of police so please get a ring/video doorbell. That way you have evidence of any violent behaviour or damage to your property, especially as he has to come back to collect his stuff. It’s a bit of an expense but so worth it under the circumstances.

Jakie7700 · 04/02/2022 09:04

Just to make you aware a social services referral would have been made if you have reported this to the police. Tbh I think they should be as regardless of how you feel you have let a known violent ex back into your child's home to abuse you again. Stop thinking of you and start taking steps to protect and safeguard your child she should be your only concern.

pickingdaisies · 04/02/2022 09:04

@SocialConnection

Hey, OP, how are you this morning?

Last night you did three brave, wise things in taking control, removing him from your home and your daughter's life, and calling in the professionals to support you.

👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐

You've had it all thrown at you. Exposure in early childhood to people whose behaviour shaped your view of the world. Violent bullying men who ill treated you and abandoned you. A weak man who denies and ignores his own child. The cat litter was the catalyst - the thing that triggered the change.

None of this is your fault. But this is all you've ever known - and now your own childhood is being replayed for your daughter who was being made to live with toxic influences.

Your actions last night were old patterns being broken, which is very frightening to do, but MUST be done to make a better future for you both.

My best advice? Step away from men for a while. You only get involved with the bad ones because they're all you've ever known. There are good, kind, decent, loving men out there. But getting on with healing yourself with some of the therapy and support you can access without any more damaged and damaging influences in the way is essential. You and your daughter are the most important relationship you have.

All of this. And OP, please ignore the hordes of posters who have plopped all over the thread with their "What were you thinking/Well I wouldn't have let him in" regurgitated repeated thoughtless nonsense. They either haven't bothered to read all your posts or they haven't understood what you have been through. Flowers
RedCandyApple · 04/02/2022 09:13

Please don’t meet another man either I’m sorry but I agree with the other posters not to meet another man for a long time just concentrate on your little girl.

Bumpy23 · 04/02/2022 09:14

Sorry- but he saw you coming and thought he could get away with it. You owe him nothing, it's 100% his own making that he's homeless, clearly demonstrated by his crazy ass behaviour. You gave him a platform and opportunity to sort his shit out, he didn't- he threw a box of cat litter at you.
You did the right thing, don't tolerate people like that.
Keep strong op. Show your daughter that if people don't treat you with respect, they can piss off.

irene9 · 04/02/2022 09:14

You are not a shit mum. Also, you are whole and complete and you are not broken or weak. This feeling sorry for him is a learned pattern of responding. It's a dynamic of behavior that can be unlearned. It's not you as a person.
"I just always try my hardest to see the good in people" another way to look at that sentence is that you have Rescuer tendencies.
That means you look for part of the person that is fragile so you will feel needed and good about yourself for 'saving' them. BUT and a very big BUT this can also make those of us out there who are like that also ignore or deny the person's bad treatment of us. We turn a blind eye to it because we only want to see the vulnerable part of the other person not the aggressive rude and violent part.
We won't allow ourselves to see it because our vision of ourselves as a rescuer had to be maintained. Because we get an emotional payoff from that. It makes our own emotional 'stuff' go away for a while.
This is a dynamic that we get stuck in until we can notice those feelings and understand why we are doing it and continue to do it.

The person who treats us badly turns on the 'you have to save me' speech then that triggers the 'I need to save someone' switch in you.
It's not your responsibility to save everyone.

Save yourself and your daughter that's enough.

Your Ex is a grown man, he's managed fine before he met you. You don't have special powers to change him. Best of luck you are doing great.

CatDogMonkeyPOW · 04/02/2022 09:15

Hi OP, I hope you had a good night's sleep in the end.

I work for Adult Social Services and I thought I'd add that it's likely that the police will make a referral to social services, for your daughter but also possibly for yourself as a safeguarding concern. I want to let you know that you shouldn't worry about this. You've already shown that you are protecting your daughter. Be honest with any professionals that visit. They will want to help you and not punish you for your actions. It might be worth asking any social worker if they have health and wellbeing coaches in your area that you could be referred to, as they can work with you to make improvements to your life and help you with your self esteem.

NoResolutionsHere · 04/02/2022 09:17

Why have you let an abusive man back into your home?? You have a small child, seriously what the hell were you thinking here?? He beat you up and you invited him back into your home?? Seriously raise your standards and focus on protecting yourself and your daughter. Is there anyone you can have come and stay with you if you are worried about retaliation?

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 04/02/2022 09:18

Well done on all the positive actions you took last night, @Nightowl1989. You sound like a lovely, kind, person and I hope you continue to take steps to look after yourself and your daughter so that you are able to live without fear.
I am horrified at the people lacking in empathy on this thread who are hurling abuse at you. As bad as your ex.
Good luck, I hope you have a better day today.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 04/02/2022 09:25

@CatDogMonkeyPOW

Hi OP, I hope you had a good night's sleep in the end.

I work for Adult Social Services and I thought I'd add that it's likely that the police will make a referral to social services, for your daughter but also possibly for yourself as a safeguarding concern. I want to let you know that you shouldn't worry about this. You've already shown that you are protecting your daughter. Be honest with any professionals that visit. They will want to help you and not punish you for your actions. It might be worth asking any social worker if they have health and wellbeing coaches in your area that you could be referred to, as they can work with you to make improvements to your life and help you with your self esteem.

@CatDogMonkeyPOW that's a really kind post.

That's correct as well, when I called the police about my abusive ex around the time we split up, a referral was immediately put into MASH, which is a standard with children involved (and absolutely the right thing to do). It isn't anything to worry about- I found them to be really helpful. They basically wanted to know that the relationship was over and that I was acting on the advice of the police etc- there was never even a hint of it actually being referred to social services.

Tell them that you want to do the freedom programme, that you are taking advice from the police, and accept any help on offer- work with all the agencies and you and your daughter will be so much better off with their help.

I found womens aid to be so so kind as supportive as well op. I think you should give them a call.

Sedai · 04/02/2022 09:32

OP it's actually really upsetting to read you feel you have done something wrong by making him leave.
Please don't let this scumbag back near you or your daughter. You don't want your daughter thinking this is an OK way to be treated. I'm sorry you have gone through this, and you owe this man absolutely nothing .

tkwal · 04/02/2022 09:34

You don't look like a stupid idiot but possibly you need to consider things for a bit longer before making decisions , especially when your actions will impact your child. He was your ex for a reason.

VestaTilley · 04/02/2022 09:38

YANBU.

Do not let him back in to your house, or your lives. He’s a disrespectful shit who will frighten your daughter and is abusing you.

Keep in touch with the police, don’t feel sorry for him and don’t let him worm his way back in.

No way would I let a man like that be in the house with me or my child.

Georgeskitchen · 04/02/2022 09:40

Does he have a key to your property? If so get the locks changed ASAP and some extra bolts added

Butteryflakycrust83 · 04/02/2022 09:44

Feel sorry for yourself and your daughter, not him.

chilling19 · 04/02/2022 09:45

Well done OP. This is the first step to a much better life. Take all the help you are offered.

hardboiledeggs · 04/02/2022 09:47

What a knob he is. He deserves everything he gets. Steer clear OP.

Gilly12345 · 04/02/2022 09:54

You need to have no contact with him, this shouldn’t be difficult as he is not your daughters father.

You sound like a nice person but he doesn’t and you and your Daughter deserve better.

It is about time he grows up and acts like an adult and that means getting a job and a place to live of his own.

Move on and have your best life.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 04/02/2022 09:55

See it as him doing you a favour. Throwing the cat litter at you was the kick up the arse you needed you throw him out. If he hadn't done it you'd still have him in your house dragging you and your daughter down into the gutter with him.

Yoyokitten · 04/02/2022 10:02

Misty85
"He's an animal"
God, this drives me mad!!
Animals are not sick cruel and manipulative like that!!
Sorry night owl for hijacking your thread, but expressions like that are ridiculous.
You are not a bad Mum, probably too kind and trusting.
Please don't believe him if he comes back to you in tears and apologising. He doesn't mean it.It will escalate and get worse. Harden your heart against him after what he has done to you.
If your daughter came to you with this story, what would you tell her? Exactly, you would be horrified.
Be kind to yourself, you've had a hard time on here, but also some good advice. Take care and good luck 💐

Swipe left for the next trending thread