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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex has thrown cat litter on me when asked to leave tonight

182 replies

Nightowl1989 · 04/02/2022 00:03

I allowed my Ex who I had been friends with since the break up a year ago, to stay in my spare room for the last two weeks as he has recently become homeless. I have a 2 year old daughter who went to bed tonight at 18:30, at 10pm I said I was going to bed and he said I'm gonna go to my bed too he goes upstairs I'm cleaning up (more of his mess) all he does is lay on his bed most of the day and go down for food and leave a mess (doesn't work he's far too lazy for that) I'd been at work got home and tidied it all up, anyway he started singing really really loud! I said X stop singing please your going to wake my DD up he started shouting and singing louder, I shouted up to him "shut up" which probably isn't the nicest thing to say but I just feel he has no respect for me my house or my daughter and he said "eww fuck off you fat cow" under his breath but I heard it so I asked him to get out of my house and he proceeded to throw a dirty cat litter box full contents all down stairs and on me at the bottom, then told me he was "on his dad's grave" (very immature thing for a 32 year old to say) going to smash my window and car tonight. He left after calling me some more names and I have reported it to the police but I feel so bad for some reason because I asked him to leave at 10pm and he doesn't have any where else to go he's just so snappy and can be nasty and makes me feel like I'm walking on egg shells in my own home and I don't want my daughter around him to be honest. I gave him a set of rules when I allowed him to stay such as don't smoke in the house don't be too loud don't go to sleep with lights on tidy up after yourself and don't slob around on my sofa all day and night and since he stayed he's smoked in my house left his stuff everywhere woke us up at half 4 in the morning yesterday being so loud and sitting in my front room watching stupid YouTube stuff not allowing me time to relax after either work or looking after my daughter all day.
Abiu for asking him to leave at 10pm for shouting and singing upstairs when my daughter is asleep?
Sorry if it doesn't read very well due to bad grammar I'm just so angry!

OP posts:
PurplePansy05 · 04/02/2022 07:35

Christ, OP. Your self esteem is on the floor! And it really shouldn't be! You're clearly vulnerable and sensitive, and also too kind - and unfortunately when you mix up with the wrong crowd, they'll soon sense it and they will prey on you to abuse you. Partners in particular, and they will assert power over you in relationships.

You need to work on your outlook, self-esteem and assertiveness. You'll see that your priorities will change, you will focus on your daughter and yourself and get rid of people like this in your life. Understand that you are worth so, so much more than you think now. And so is your 'no' - it's a strong and powerful word. You need to learn to build and mantain healthy boundaries for your child and your own sake.

Sorry you've met such shit people and had such a terrible treatment from them. And that you're feeling scared now - I would too. You're doing all the right things though, so keep at it Flowers I'm guessing there's no easy way for you to move to have a fresh start and for that idiot not to access you?

Dutchesss · 04/02/2022 07:41

YABU for allowing a homeless ex in your house with your young daughter. Change the locks and don't make the same mistake again.

Suzanne999 · 04/02/2022 07:42

@Nightowl1989

I'm just kicking myself as he beat me up last year and for some stupid reason i made "friends"with him as I guess I felt sorry for him so you could say it's my own fault and I abiu because I should have seen it coming!
He’s your ex for a reason. Do not feel sorry for him. He’s 32, an adult and makes his own choices. His behaviour is a terrible example to your child. Do you really want her to experience this abusive behaviour? He is using you and will assault you again ( with cat litter or more seriously) Cut him out of your life, zero contact, block him on everything and get your locks changed if he has a key.
VelvetChairGirl · 04/02/2022 07:44

No wonder he's homeless, get rid of him call the local council and find out if they can shove him in a B&B or something call shelter for advice.

he needs to be gone now.

PicklePied · 04/02/2022 07:47

You need to be careful here unless you want SS on your doorstep. You have a young child and shouldn't be allowing homeless violent men in her home

Anniegetyourgun · 04/02/2022 07:50

I think it's disgusting when some people take advantage of others' decency. You are a kind and caring person and yet you are the one who is made to feel like (and been covered in!) shit. Every good decision you make to care for your child is being undermined and thrown back in your face.

I would never urge you to stop caring about others, that is a virtue, but that doesn't mean you let them over your threshold, especially when they've already proved they can't be trusted. It's like a dog with rabies, or one of those zombie movies. He couldn't help being infected, but since he is, you cannot let him in or he will destroy you. It's not a question of whether it's his fault or not. You didn't break him and you can't fix him. Bung some money to a homeless charity if you feel guilty. Lots of people have had a hard life, poor upbringing, alcoholic parents etc yet have not ended up violent, lazy or unpleasant.

Caiti19 · 04/02/2022 07:52

@Babyvenusplant

Please never speak to him again Flowers
This
Scianel · 04/02/2022 07:55

OP as kindly as possible, you have a very small, vulnerable child. It should have been unthinkable that a man who beat you even crossed the threshold onto your child's home.

Mummytobe93 · 04/02/2022 07:55

I’d be going to prison for murder it that was me - there’s not many things in the world that disgust me more than dirty cat litter! I’m lost for words!

Get rid off him OP, don’t ever look back.

Mellowyellow222 · 04/02/2022 07:57

You let a violent man stay in your home with your two year old.

You need to wise up and protect your child.

Doggydreaming · 04/02/2022 07:59

You are not being unreasonable to have thrown him out OP.

You absolutely so not deserve to be treated like this. Well done you on having the strength to tell him where to go, even though he used violence against you before. I bet that took some balls.

Do not feel guilty or responsible for the fact that he has nowhere to go. He is he one that is responsible for his situation. Any time you start feeling sorry for him.or what you think you owe him, think instead of what you owe yourself (and your Daughter): a safe, calm home environment where everyone is treated with respect). Keep your eye on the future - what will it feel like to be free of this man and stop feeling like your are walking in eggshells in your own house?

Best of luck x

ImInStealthMode · 04/02/2022 08:05

I'm glad he went and you're safe now but for goodness sake OP! You do not let a Man who beat you up back into your home to live with your small child!! What on earth were you thinking??

You're not at all unreasonable for throwing him out but very much so for having him there in the first place.

Raise your standards for 'friends' as well as partners and start protecting your daughter.

AgentJohnson · 04/02/2022 08:05

This man physically assaulted you and you let him stay in the same house as your child, WTAF! Whatever the thought process behind the very poor decision to let him back into your life, it needs a thorough investigation with the support of a counselling because ‘I felt sorry for him’, is an excuse for a much deeper problem.

I’m glad the Police were supportive.

Winday · 04/02/2022 08:13

Wishing you all the best OP. I hope you're getting support now to break free of this sort of man. It's not what you or your DD deserve.

Bananarama21 · 04/02/2022 08:13

Social services could easily get involved if they were aware of you living with a man who beat you up. He could potentially harm your child. Many stories of people harming their step children. You need to keep this man well away. If I was the other parent I'd be fuming you let this man near my child tbh.

Mellowyellow222 · 04/02/2022 08:13

‘ His behaviour is a terrible example to your child. Do you really want her to experience this abusive behaviour?’

The problem is OPs behaviour. She is showing her child that she shouldn’t have boundaries or standards. That if a man wants to sleep in her house that is ok - regardless of his passed behaviour.

That men are more important to her mother than her own safety.

This man is a violent, nasty individual. But OP brought him into her home, accepted and forgave his abhorrent behaviour putting her child at risk.

It is that behaviour this child will be watching and learning from.

It’s really sad, and you can see how children who grow up in chaotic homes repeat the cycle. Where do they learn self worth or their parents don’t have any- and don’t value their safety over their own adult reltionships

DrSbaitso · 04/02/2022 08:15

OP, do you really, truly, deep down think you're being unreasonable here?

RantyAunty · 04/02/2022 08:16

Well done on kicking him out and logging everything with the police.

I agree with PP to see out some counseling to learn about boundaries and improve self-esteem.

With men, giving them the benefit of the doubt and seeing the best in them to start out seldom ends well.

People, especially men, should be allowed in your life because they earned a place there.

With men, it's best to think of them as liars and predatory until they prove over time they aren't. My life has certainly changed for the better once I began to look at it that way instead of being a doormat for every broken bird that came along.

Iamnotamermaid · 04/02/2022 08:25

This is entirely on him. He chose to behave like a total arse, disrespect and insult you so being kicked out at 10pm (quite rightly) is on him, not you. He could not expect to stay in your home after behaving like that. A hotel would not put up with this behaviour.

Do not let him back, throw his stuff out (can you send it to a third party like his parents/friends?) with a message that the police are aware and will be involved if he ever shows his face at your door. Never have anything to do with him again.

MaitreKarlsson · 04/02/2022 08:31

Change the locks, today. This situation could escalate.

And OP, you must have more self-respect. Don't let anyone speak to you dismissively, treat you unkindly, or God forbid, physically hurt you.

There are a lot of shit men out there and you need to start protecting yourself and your daughter. No excuses.

Hoppinggreen · 04/02/2022 08:32

@Nightowl1989

I'm just kicking myself as he beat me up last year and for some stupid reason i made "friends"with him as I guess I felt sorry for him so you could say it's my own fault and I abiu because I should have seen it coming!
Christ almighty woman please work on your self respect and self esteem. He was abusive when you were together and still is. Why are you surprised when he acts like the Dickhead he is? You deserve much better than this horrible man and so does your DD
StrawberryLollipops · 04/02/2022 08:37

I just always try my hardest to see the good in people

You really don't need to do this. You need to try your hardest to look out for yourself and your DD. It's only your female socialization that says you need to look for the teeniest tiniest speck of good in the worst people. You really don't need to do that.

Zeewest · 04/02/2022 08:38

If he has keys to your house change the locks ASAP

cupofdecaf · 04/02/2022 08:38

OP it's not my intention to make you feel worse but I've been the kid with an abusive step dad. Your daughter likely heard even if you think she didn't. As she gets older she'll understand more as well.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 04/02/2022 08:46

It sounds like you have had a really bad run of bad luck with men love.

But just to echo PPs you need to raise your standards! There are good men out there (I promise) but you need to start by working on you.

I'm so glad you were strong enough to make him leave. You should also look at the freedom project, it will help you to establish some boundaries and understand why you are attracted to total wasters!

And please change the locks.